Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Truly Tuesday

It was one of those days when you are grateful to be sober.

A day when more than once, I found myself staying in the moment and being mindful of the things and events around me. Savoring. What a rich and delightful experience it is to live this way. If I could figure out (or remember?) how to do this more often, it would indeed be a wondrous thing.

I have been thinking about how much I learn from nature. From the trees and the flowers and from the critters all around me. From the unconditional love I have from my pets to the learning to bend in the wind from the willows. From the rebirth of the world every spring, to the quiet rest of winter. In class last night, we were discussing (among other things) the way some people seem to take a personal affront to the weather every day. Like it's a contest of wills...or a punishment. I have a hard time seeing things in a black and white way anymore. I'm not so sure there's really good and bad...maybe it's all just experiences that we get to learn something from. It is what it is. I guess that sounds incredibly simplistic and naive to some, but it's how I view my world. I have very few unpleasant experiences in my life and I'm sure it's because of the my perspective. Always something to learn...what to do, or what NOT to do. Always 2 sides to every coin. It leaves lots of room for speculation, I guess.

All I know is that I might be one of the happier people I know. My worldview has been shaped and polished by my experiences on the planet so far. So many ways to look at things, and so little time. lol

I'm off to bed. Getting up early to keep the car. Have a date with a bunch of drunks at noon and then off to pick up about a hundred "hens and chicks" the succulent plants and 5 Rhubarb plants. Gotta love Craig's List !!!!

Blessed to be feeling the serenity of my humble little abode today. Blessed to have had a great conversation with my Creator this morning and the feelings of peace that came as a result of it. Blessed, especially, to be here now and having the wherewithal to be grateful for it all.

Sleep well, bloggers....


Saturday, March 28, 2009

Saturday in the Park

[ Frankie Figgs, sleeping on a cold winter's afternoon]

It's been cold and blustery all day. Grandson is here for the weekend, going home tomorrow. Since it was a rainy cold day, we decided to go to the movies to see Monsters VS Aliens. The matinee prices in Litchfield are only 3.50 apiece, and afterwards we went to the Ponderosa for the lunch buffet. We had a good time and it was a fun movie. Then we came home and putzed around for the evening, until right about 9 PM, when the power went out. Then we lit candles and made hot chocolate and played some neverending hands of UNO. It was the lesser of 2 evils....his other choice was Monopoly. Arrgghhh......

Tonight was the Earth Hour, when lots of people turned off their lights for an hour from 8:30-9:30 PM. Wonder how that went? Our power went out all by itself. lol

In the morning we are taking Junior home and then hitting the 10 o'clock meeting. We m,ay be stopping by to pick up a newcomer, but she didn't call today, so ??? We'll see. I didn't go to the meeting I usually attend on Saturday mornings, since Tristan was here. But I was at one on Thursday, and then on Tuesday before that. I might just stay sober....

Mommie Katt and all the babies are asleep by the loveseat. They are so adorable, and are climbing and running and just too sweet. One of them climbs up my pantleg and onto my chest any time I am, sitting down. Then he/she snuggles all up under my chin and puts the little paws on my face. Awwww..... (I am such a sucker.)

Just learned that someone I know has decided to go the Marijuana Maintenance route. Jesus....do we never learn ? I want to just smack her. I have to speak my piece about this...I have seen so many people start like this and wind up dead. So many. You just can't do it. It's not the way this thing works, and that's all there is to it. I want to scream at her--"Quit fu(*%%ng around before you wind up on a slab....." Of all the people I know, who SHOULD know this thing is life and death for us...she's the one. It breaks my heart, that's all. I have watched way too many people die in the almost 19 years I have been here. I take this shit personally....

I need to hit the hay. 7:30 is gonna come mighty early and it's 1 AM now.

I'm blessed to know people who convinced me that I could be sober if I would put down all the crutches and stop looking for loopholes. I'm grateful that I believed them.

I'm blessed to have gotten here face down in the dirt.

I'm grateful for every shot, every drug, every man, everything I ever did...that brought me here.

I'm blessed that God watches out for fools and drunks, because I have been and still sometimes am--BOTH.

I'm grateful that I survived my life to get sober, even if my mom and dad never got to see it.

I'm blessed to have a husband and many friends that are sober and understand me...no matter how ridiculous I get.

I am grateful to have a spirit that sometimes sings....


Fabulous Friday

Blessings...of the Elegant Persuasion....

Plenty of Food
Living in the Moment
Rainy days
Sunshiney Days


Thursday, March 26, 2009

Thankful Thursday

Today was one of those days...gratitude everywhere I look. It started early this morning, listening to my neighbors across the pond fighting and screaming at one another. In all fairness to them, it's difficult to tell by their yelling if they're always fighting or not. It seems to be the way they communicate. But it sure sounded like something I'd just as soon avoid in my own life. He has lost his job of 25 years and they are scared, I know. And they are cutting down every other tree on their property, it seems like. I want to go over and take away their power tools....today they took out a snag that is home to many woodpeckers and other birds. The snag wasn't hurting anybody...husband says the result here is going to be more erosion along the banks of the pond and loss of wildlife habitat. One more example of how man never stops to consider nature...it makes me sad.

I was thinking...how blessed am I to not have that kind of husband ? One who rages and yells and is angry all the time... instead, I have been blessed with this big gentle teddy bear of a guy. One who loves nature and reads poetry to me on picnics, and holds my hand when we are out together. One whose very spirit is about love, most of the time. I don't mean to imply that he is perfect, but he is sure a gift in my life. And he has a big heart and a willing hand to anyone needing help.

Then I had another sponsling come out this morning and we did some 1st step work and chatted and drank coffee. I was blessed. Tonight at the womens meeting we had 6 women with less than 3 months sobriety. The sharing was great and I felt that recovery was alive and well in this little corner of the world. I picked up a newcomer to carry to the meeting, and she has damaged herself to such an extent that I wonder if she can ever fully recover. But I have to have hope that it can happen. More importantly, I have to convince her that it is possible. To offer her all the hope I can m,uster. Even though she has an impressive record of relapse activity, I think this time she might be desperate enough to get this. And I realize all over again, just how blessed I am to have the gift of sobriety. To not have to fight these demons and these obsessions any more. To feel grateful that I can remember how it felt, and to be able to offer someone the truth of my experiences. Feels like holding out a rope to someone caught in quicksand.

The satellite computer is working like a charm. Only once have I experienced any kind of slowness, and that was while it was raining and the cloud cover was very thick. Otherwise....EUREKA !!!!!! lol

Time for me to go to bed. Big day tomorrow, lots to do, and then getting my grandson. Yippee!


Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Wistful Wednesday

The caption to this cartoon is "Dancing on thin ice"....lol

I was blessed to be in a meeting today where there was the gamut of life in recovery. A picture of humility. A surly long timer. Several scared shitless newcomers. 2 supposedly sobers that smelled like booze. A biker. A soccer mom. A chronic relapser. An art professor. A used car salesman. An arrogant and unconvinced factory worker, sent here by EAP. An angry person. And me, who laughed too much and said too much and made a couple of people mad and a couple of people happy. All in all, a good use of my time. I always said, I'd rather give a resentment than get a resentment, any day! lol

I was especially blessed to be in a room with all of the examples of drunkeness and recovery, each teaching me some important and valuable stuff. I want to live a life where everyone I meet teaches me something. What TO do, what NOT to do...something. And I feel rooted in my own recovery. I feel an unending gratitude for the old timers in my first homegroup (that place where I learned that you have to crawl before you walk, that time takes time, that I will never be perfect, so I may as well get over THAT. Where I learned that there is nothing so bad in my sober life, that a drink will make better. Where I learned that relapse is NOT a necessary part of recovery).

I looked around that room at all those blessed folks who may never get what I have. The odds for us are not particularly good... I look at my own family...generations of people who drank until they died, because they never got the gift of sobriety. I think of my own child, my precious baby boy...of his struggles and his triumphs and the miracle that he is today at 9 years sober. I think of The Universe, conspiring to give us the lives we want, if we can only get open and willing to get out of the way.

And I think of kittens, and daffodils and the blooming quince trees at the end of my driveway. And the bright yellow forsythias, whose branches are dotted with the brilliant red of cardinals, swaying, swaying in the breeze.
And all is right with the world, for now. For me.


Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Totally Tuesday

I am connected, baby..... LOL A very nice young man named Eli appeared at my door just when he said he would. The install that was supposed to take about two and a half hours wound up taking almost 6. He worked through a bad storm and winds and did everything...

When he first got here, he was looking around trying to figure out how to do this thing because, once again, so many trees... He said something, and I thought he wasn't going to be able to do it. So I said, well...who do I send this equipment back to? And he put his hands up and said .."Whoa, Mama Bear...Hold Up ! I just have to think about this a little more. We ARE hooking you up!"

And he did. And I am back online and so far tonight I have not had a bit of trouble on the internet. WooHoo!!!!!!!

In the Voluntary Simplicity class last night, one of the essays we read was about internet and tv usage and how it steals so much of your time. And everyone was nodding and agreeing that they spent way too much time online. I just sat there, grinning like an idiot. And I said, not me....I don't feel that way at all. And my darling husband piped up and said that he didn't spend much time online, but that I did. That just this morning I was "chatting " with a woman who lived in Australia and was going through some scarey medical stuff, and we talked away like we'd been best friends since childhood. And he talked about the friendships I have made with people all over the world, and how it has really expanded and enriched my life, and that he has benefitted from it as well. He talked about the gathering of people we host at our place in summer and how it really is a pretty cool thing for some people, but he doesn't have the patience to learn it.

I am especially blessed to have a life that is full. A far cry from that existence of isolation and despair that claimed me. To be sober today and happy. And loved. To have my furry babies who make me laugh and cry and be responsible ...and who teach me every single day about unconditional love.

I am grateful to be back online and to be able to get back into my routines. To read emails and blogs and recovery forums. To play a word game or two to stave off the Altzheimers.

I'm taking the husband to work in the morning so I can get to a noon meeting and hook up with one of my sponslings. She has 14 years, and is moving within the month permanently to about 2 hours south of here, where she has gotten a good state job and her life is winging off into undreamed of bliss. She got engaged at Christmas and her life is taking a good turn these days. I just tell her....

"God's got a DEAL for drunks that don't drink."


Monday, March 23, 2009

Magickal Monday

(left to Right....Frankie, Lily and Caylee...having a winter's afternoon nap)

Home from the Voluntary Simplicity class and watched the last half of Saving Grace. Probably the last time I'll get to watch it, unless I can find it on the computer. lol If all goes well with the satellite installation tomorrow, I'll call and cancel our bundle service of telephone, tv and internet. WooHoo!!!!

It was a frustrating and interesting day today....I seemed to be the electrical appliance Terminator this morning. First, as I was vacuuming, it quit working right. I'm going to have to take it in for repairs. sigh...Then (and this was the worst part)..after cleaning about half of my living room carpet, I had to stop to refill the water tank (for like the 3rd time) and when I put it back in and turned it on it went 'Pfffft! and stopped. My routine when I clean the carpet in the LR is to do all the perimeter stuff first, in about a 3 ft swath, and then do the center of the rug and work my way out. So. I have a rug with a big giant dirty square in the center. Plus, where the cleaner was sitting when it quit, it leaked a whole bunch of water onto the rug. So it looks like Secretariat came in and took the biggest pee of his life. IN 2 places.

Naturally, I have a sponsling coming at 8 AM and the satellite guy at 11. And I nearly blew a gasket. But I called a friend and she talked me down, lol. Arghhhhh....this huosehold cannot live without it's own carpet shampooer. So, I guess that is next on the agenda...otherwise we will be overcome with cat and dog puke, hairball stains, and general dirt from the pond loving, poop rolling doglets.

It's a good life...if you don't look too close and you keep some windows open....

I had the wherewithal to stop and breathe and count some blessings and phone a friend.
In class tonight, we talked about what kind of life you would like to be living...and I got to say, well...I'm doing it.

I'd better post this list of unspoken and apparent blessings before the 'puter kicks off again.

It's ALL good....


Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Woeful Wednesday

Ah...I have just learned that one of my blogger friends has lost her husband almost 4 weeks ago...as I read her blog, the tears were streaming down my face. It was sudden and it ws quick. Thank God for that. She hadn't posted in a while...I thought they had taken a trip or something. I had no idea.

You know that my sponsor from NC recently passed. The week before that, my ex-father-in-law passed. 6 months ago, one of my sponsees lost her husband. All these deaths leaving a spouse to stay behind, trying to pick up the pieces of their lives. I don't know how you keep putting one foot in front of the other at these times. I don't know how you sleep in that bed ever again, or sit at that breakfast table. Or empty out those drawers and closets of clothes. Or walk past his shoes still sitting by the door, because you can't bear to move them...marking the truth of it all.

And yet the indomitable human spirit prevails...and one tiny step at a time, we go on. We manage to get out of bed and to brush our teeth. We are somehow able to get dressed. Somehow able to smile and say thank you to one more person who offers their sympathy and condolences, when what we really want to do is just scream. Time passes and we can choke down food again, getting it past that huge lump in our throat. We can wash the dishes and tidy up the house. And one day, we notice that spring has come again and the trees are starting to leaf out and the grass is greening up all over. And the times when we feel as though we have been physically punched in the gut come less and less. And we are able to be okay out in public. And somewhere down the road, we can go shopping and buy a new hat. Or a pair of gloves.

And life begins again.

But the hole in our heart never heals. And we put our grief away. like the medals from an already finished war. And we steadfastly and resolutely hold on to our famillies and our friends and our God...and we look at the world through new eyes. And we cherish every waking moment of our lives, forevermore.


Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Tickled Green on Tuesday

Happy St Paddy's to you all. If you ate corned beef and cabbage tonight, God help the person sleeping in your bed. LOL

Here's hoping you find your pot o' gold at the end of the rainbow, before the leprechauns snatch it away!

I have had a blessed day...time outside, working in the yard, time inside cleaning and cooking. Pets to love and care for, friends to love and care for, a great conversation with a nun. A nice meal with my beloved. 4 baby kittens, whose eyes are wide open...making them too adorable to even think of giving away...(oh no--I did not say that!)... my life is simple, but it is good. It is getting simpler all the time. I am happy and content. I have everything I need, and then some.

I have been taking a long look lately at the way my life has unfolded. Sobriety has been the best thing that ever happened to me. If it were not for sobriety, I would have no marriage to this wonderful man that I met at an AA birthday party. I would not have a comfortable home in the country, where I can sing and dance and pray and play to my heart's delight. None of you sober people would be such a huge part of my reality.

Wow. Gratitude is a gift I choose every day.

What a lucky duck I am!!


Monday, March 16, 2009

Maudlin Monday

Happy Soberversary, (((MaryLA))) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thought I'd give you a blue place to dance .... xoxoxoxo My life and my sobriety are richer having you in them. Thank you!!!!

Having said that...lol. I am so tired and wanting to sleep. Not a lot to say tonight and hoping I can get this to post..Having a terrible time with the internet connection. Has me pulling my hair out.

It was almost 75 degrees today and now at 11 is still 52. Hope the weather holds for a while. We need sunshine!!! The grey days of midwestern winter need to go away.

I didn't go to the class tonight...feeling a little yucky and just didn't want to go anywhere. Have a busy-ish week comiong down the pike...tomorrow the satellite internet guys are coming to do the site survey and hopefully hook me up. I also have a sponsling coming to do a 4th step she's been working on. Wednesday I am having lunch with my sister and sister-in-law and then going to pick up a new(ish) computer chair I found on Craig's List for twenty bucks. The one I have is killing my back. Thursday I have a doctor's appointment with a new doctor. Friday, I am working with a newbie on her 4th step. I am also going to try to help her set up a budget. Saturday we are going to a spring solstice celebration that starts at 4PM and I have to take a covered dish. That same morning, I am chairing the 10 o'clock meeting for the month of March. Whew....

I need to get some more work down in my yard too. And it's almost time to start my indoor flats of seedlings for the garden. Maybe next week. I am excited about that! I need to check on my potato order too...they haven't come yet and it's nearing time to get those in the ground. So much to do...

I am so grateful to be sober. And healthy. And to be useful and competent and compassionate (most of the time). I'm so blessed to have sober friends. And a family that loves me.

Life is good.


Sunday, March 15, 2009

Simply Sunday

Not a lot to write about tonight, just haven't been here. Dealing with the grief of losing my dear friend and sponsor and trying like the dickens to make my way there for the services. God has other plans for me, I guess.

Am taking the no-show to the detox tomorrow...hopefully. She sounds terrible, and I agreed to meet her tomorrow. SO we'll go there if she showes. If she doesn't, this will be it., and she will be on her own. It's an ordeal for me to go through all the gyrations of making myself available for this, as the place is over an hour from my house. But, we do what we can. Once. Or in this case, twice. :) But certainly not three times...surely....lol

I am emotionally exhausted and heading for bed. I have missed you all, and did do a little reading today. My internet provider keeps kicking off and on...I have made the arrangements for the rural ISP Speednet to come out here and survey the place and see if they can hook me up. Keep your fingers crossed for me. We will divest ourselves of this stupid phone comapny and their internet and phones that rarely work, as well as the satellite tv. Bye-Bye...television.

Alright....loving thoughts and blessings galore. Namaste.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

[Maureen-in yellow shirt]

I just got word that my old sponsor from North Carolina died this afternoon of a brain hemorrhage. She collapsed and never regained consciousness. Originally from New York, she was old school AA all the way. I believe that she had about 38 years in the program now.

She probably knew me better than anyone has ever or will ever know me. She guided me through some tough times with her wise and gentle sobriety. From the first time I met her, I wanted what she had. And she was surely the best example I have ever seen of giving back what has been so freely given...

I sit here with tears of grief and gratitude all mixed up together. I was truly blessed to have been a part of her life and to have her as part of mine. Since we had no family there, we spent many a holiday at their house and always felt like part of their big Irish Catholic family. She made the best NY Cheesecake I have ever eaten. And her Irish Soda Bread was outta this world.

They had a huge blended family, both of them in recovery when they first met and married, both widowed, he with 5 kids, her with 6 kids and then they had a baby together.

I am grateful for the women in AA who have shown me how to be a wife and mother and sister ...and especially, there will always be a piece of my heart that belongs only to this wonderful woman that I met at 6 years sober, who walked me through my marriage, through the industrial accident and medicating that happened as a result of that, and through each step of my sobriety for almost 9 years.

Rest in Peace, you angel....your journey takes you on new roads now...


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Whirligig Wednesday

Who comes up with words like whirligig ? Or fortuitous ?


Had a very relaxing day today...too cold to go outside and work, had to be here waiting for the guy to come repair the satellite dish, took a nap...all in all a nice day. Did a tiny bit of sponsee-talk. Did some reading. Watched some television with my darling husband. Loved up some dogs and ran a vacuum cleaner.

The exciting life and times of Annie Kelley. Wow. Maybe I should write a book.

I have had some adventures in this life. I have had some terribly lonely times. I have been loved ferociously, hated venomously, and totally ignored. I have been kinda rich and very poor. I have been so dry I was about to burst into flames and so drunk that I couldn't stand myself. I have been married, single and anything in between. I have been a bride and a widow. I have travelled all over these United States and into a couple of other countries and to Hawaii. I have lots of places I would still like to go. I have been hungry and I have been fed and I have been so thirsty I thought I was going to die. I have had a child and lost that child for 9 years when he was kidnapped by his father. I have been a success at times and a failure at times and everything in between. I have analyzed my life and behaviors, I have deluded myself about my life and I have looked myself square in the eye. I have loved me and hated me.

And through it all, I managed to stay in the middle of my own life and not waiver. By a thread, sometimes. I am a survivor. A childhood violence survivor and a rape survivor and a drug abuse survivor and a drunken survivor. I was robbed of my childhood at an early age, and have been frantically making up for it ever since. I have gone twice as far, worked twice as hard and done twice as much of everything-to try to feel half as good as you. Those feelings of worthlessness fueled a lifetime of ambition.

I'm now past my middle fifties. I enjoy a modicum of balance and self restraint in my life today. I'm sober nearly 19 years. I'm happily married for nearly 17 of those years.

So, gentle readers...you can see the wellspring of blessings. I am a mosaic of every single experience I have ever had and today I am grateful for each piece of that puzzle. Some more than others, to be sure. From that 6 year old standing on a chair cooking dinner for her [then] 3 siblings because the person supposed to be doing that was drunk and passed out...to the funny happy old broken bodied lady that sits at this keyboard---it has certainly been a journey. From a confused and dazed teenager looking for any solution, any relief...to a dopeless hope fiend. A sober woman, walking the walk, one day at a time.


I AM especially blessed.


Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Tuesday's Trifles...

"Touch ze duck, and I keel you."


Oh me, oh my. Such a day I have had...

It was gorgeous here today. 75 degrees and overcast parts of the day, but so warm I worked outside in the yard a lot. Didn't get a whole lot done, lol, but I was out there....cleaning up the dead leftovers in several flower beds, namely the sedum and the hollyhocks and the rose of sharons. and the roses. I got out the trusty loppers and cut some stuff out. Errant trees that pop up here and there, that kind of stuff. I have a pile and a wheelbarrow full...so I guess I accomplished something.

Looking around my place, listening to the geese circling and coming in on the pond, hearing the chit-chit of the hundreds of bright red Cardinals and their olive and rust mates...hearing the bullfrogs starting their symphonic contributions to the ebbing of the day...it was heavenly out there. Made even more so by knowing that tonight is going to get cold and tomorrow and the next few days will be back down in the "typical" temperatures. So, I decided to make hay while the sun shines...lol

The past couple of days have really been an eye opener to me about my behavior sometimes and what a short fuse I still have, when provoked. Sigh...seeing it is half the battle I guess. A man was harrassing me about a key and wouldn't stop. I had just gone through the motions of getting up at 5AM to keep the car, making arrangements to be 30 miles away to pick up a woman and take her to a detox that was another 45 minutes from there and she didn't show, so I went to a meeting instead and there he was. It's a power trip really, and I just have this thing about these old white guys that think they rule the world. And after I tried to disarm him gracefully, (and unsuccessfully) I pretty much shouted at him to SHUT UP. I couldn't take one more stupid word out of his mouth. As I sat through the rest of the meeting with him alternately glaring at me and refusing to make eye contact... I was struck by how little tolerance I have when I don't feel well. (OR I am annoyed). And I have been on a 2 month binge of chronic pain. I left there thinking maybe I should just hibernate and not be around humans for awhile. lol The amazing thing (to me) is that after a few hours had passed, I was ready to quit the homegroup, shove the key up somebody's *** and never darken the doors of that club ever again. I mentally listed of all these people I was going to call and inform. And there it was... So~~I did nothing. LOL

Ah, my life is such a deal some days.

I'm grateful for the people in AA who constantly give me lessons.

I'm grateful that I don't have to immediately act on every thought that comes into my head.

I'm grateful to have the amends process in my life. (Which I may or may not use!) lol

I'm grateful to be sober, above all.

Life is good.

Monday March 9, 2009

Keep getting kicked off the computer --not even any storms....

Can't take it !!!! Back tomorrow.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

A Sad Sunday

There was a catastrophic event 'round these parts today, when a gunman went into a church and shot and killed the senior pastor of a Baptist church about 40 miles from here. Several people were injured when members of the congregation wrestled him to the floor after he ran out of bullets and pulled a knife. I only just read about it a bit ago....my computer has been turned off and unplugged most of the day. We have had tornado watches and severe thunderstorms most of the day. A tornado touched down about 35 miles from here, and we had about 20 minutes of horrendous rain and wind, which blew away the storm for the most part. But the winds were 35-40 mph and gusting to 55....

I made a pot of french onion soup today, as I had some onions that needed using. Had that for lunch and for supper made fish tacos, with refried beans and spanish rice. Hubby went for a nice long hike along the watershed trail, and I stayed home and caught up laundry and vacuumed some.

The lady bugs are invading again. This warm weather brings them out of hiding, and they are everywhere. I have my little hand held cannister vac out and just keep sucking them up. The back bedroom always is the worst. And a couple of years ago when I repainted that room, I caulked all along the ceiling and anywhere I thought hey might sneak in. But this year they're especially prolific, and I'm blaming it on the weather.

I have to get up and take himself to work to keep the car. I am taking a woman to detox tomorrow at 1. She said she wants to "check it out and see it"....jezuz...but she may or may not check herself in. I can't believe I am even agreeing to go with her. But I feel sorry for her and I know it's hard. She said she would drive and I said ABSOLUTELY NOT. I don't drive with people who are drinking themselves to death. Period. Either I drive or she can go by herself.

I hadn't heard from her in 2 days, and I thought maybe the whole deal was off. But she called this afternoon and said, she has to go. She can't keep living like this.

There, but for the grace of God, go I.

I wonder sometimes about the insanity going on in the world...mostly I feel like we (as a species) are evolving into higher beings. I see proof of this all around me. And then something crazy happens, and I think wow....maybe not. But it could be that it's the incredible shift that's happening that is causing some of us to go so nutso. People whose spiritual fabric is being rent so completely that they are caught in a warp of insanity for a moment. Paradigm shifts are not always easy pills to swallow, as it were. And human beings do not respond well to limbo.

I am grateful today, to be part of a community of people who truly care for each other. Love is painted all over my life today...'tweren't always so. I have freedoms I could never have imagined, partly from being a sober human and partly from being a crone. The older I get, the more freedom I experience. It's pretty cool, really-- all except for the part of seeing this old woman in the mirror all the time. lol But even that, you know, beats the alternative.

I am grateful to be sober. I am grateful to be loved. I am grateful to have kittens that are trying to open their little eyes. I am grateful for 3 pups sleeping at my feet. I am grateful for the jumbo brown eggs my Rhode Island Reds are laying again.

I am grateful to be a connected, dependent part of a great whole...a member of the family of man, and to know these things. I am grateful for my Voluntary Simplicity class which meets tomorrow. The readings were particularly good for this week, all about consumerism and when is enough, enough? I am grateful to be teachable and flexible and lovable today.

It just doesn't get any better than this.


Saturday, March 7, 2009

A Satiated Saturday

[A Japanese Garden in Decatur.]

Too blessed to be Stressed.

~~So grateful for:

*A cozy evening at home with my husband
*A full stomach
*Windchimes on my porch that are tuned to the key of D
*Getting to listen to 2 relapsers who were struck drunk yesterday
*Knowing that if I do a few simple things, it won't have to happen to me
*The planning stages of the spring Gathering in June
*1 week old kittens who are fat as a tick
*The sunsets we have been enjoying, all purple and red and gold
*The awesome creation I see all around me
*Friends (You know who you are!)
*Being able to live, love and laugh
*For a nice soft bed to jump into--NOW!


Friday, March 6, 2009


[A Basket of Cat}

A long day, and I should be heading to bed, as I have to be up early. I am chairing the meeting at 10 Am, so I have to be there by 9 to set up, so I have to get up by 7:30 so that I can make breakfast and get dressed and drive the half hour to get there. Grandson is here spending the night...he fell asleep watching a movie at about 7:45. That means he'll be up at zero dark thirty. And he MUST have scrambled eggs and toast for his breakfast! lol He loves the idea of eating eggs that he carried in from the henhouse.

We had a lovely, though short day. When I picked him up, he said that he was hungry. I got him right off the school bus. He said that his dad is drinking again, and that last night he drank so much he passed out in the floor. When the youngster woke up this morning, he was still there. He said that after his dad passed out last night, he dumped all his beer down the sink and threw away all the cans. I guess he had a hard time getting him to wake up this morning, and he needed to eat a good breakfast because they had to take the ISAT's today. He was afraid he was going to miss school.

I watch this sweet boy and think-dammit! he shouldn't be having to play the punishing parent with this guy. He said his dad gets mad all the time and yells at him when he drinks. And he said he told him that if he didn't quit the drinking, he wasn't going to stay with him anymore. I hate what alcoholism does to our children.

It's been a gorgeous day with temperatures in the low 80's...almost breaking a record set in 1956. Miss Caylee found the pond and has been throwing herself in it all day. I watched her come tearing through the back yard and fling herself into the water with reckless abandon. With a look of total and complete ecstacy on her little dog face. lol We can learn so much from our animal companions.

I have had so many opportunities today to be so filled with gratitude--I love it when I don't have to work too hard to find the beauty in my world. There have been so many things, from a beautiful sunrise, to a gaggle of Canadian geese out on the pond, to the cacophony of frogs down by the springs. From a kind word by a stranger, to the sight of a freaky young man helping his grandmother get out of the car, to the look on my husband's face when we tricked him about something tonight. From the sounds emanating from the new kitty box as the week old babies squirm and vie for the best feeding position, to watching my little dog run at breakneck speed around the house, after I thought she might never walk again. From watching my sick kitty recuperate with the magic of antibiotics, to reading my favorite bloggers and hearing what's going on in their worlds.

Especially blessed by the mundane routines of my life. Especially blessed by friendships near and far. Especially blessed to be here, now.


Thursday, March 5, 2009


And what a Thursday it was! 65 degrees here in the heartland, with promises of low 70's the rest of the weekend. Unbelievable...

My darling grandson is coming to spend the night on Friday and will be here through Sunday. We have such fun...and he gets his animal fix. He is so excited about the new kittens he can barely speak. lol He called me on Monday and said he didn't have school because it was a holiday for some guy. Cashmere Sweater. No, wait. Not Sweater, he said, giggling. Some Polish guy. Turns out it is Casimir Pulaski and it's got something to do with the Revolutionary War. Seems that the holiday came about because Chicago has the largest Polish population outside of Poland, and this guy was some big deal. Anyway, clown boy had me laughing...

Things are quiet here right now, the way I like it. Doggies are outside doing their final business before retiring for the nmight. Sick kitten is much better and having been thoroughly medicated for the night, has curled up on the ottoman. Assorted and sundry cats are napping wherever they please, and one little mama kat is making her babies cry as she settles down in the box to feed them. I pulled the little yellow guy out today, and he is fat as a tick. So, they seem to be eating well and healthy.

I am ready for sleep, lots of minor chores for tomorrow before going to pick up angel-boy at 3:15.

I was playing some really beautiful Native flute music today by Carlos Nakei...it soothed my soul, as native flutes always do. I'm grateful to have a spirit to comfort. And grateful to be able to sit and listen to great music.

Sweetest of dreams, all....


Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Wacky Wednesday

And thank goodness it's almost over. LOL

On the bright side, I found 2 pairs of jeans for hubby

at Goodwill, nice ones, Eddie Bauer, for 4 bucks a pair. Woohoo! They make great work jeans and it doesn't matter so much that they get all funky from making pipe. I also found one pair for me and a pair of almost new capris (almost time for those!!-today was 55 and tomorrow is gonna be 65!!) and a T shirt for hubby, and spent less than twenty dollars all together. I am ALL about the bargains, baby...

And I know what you're thinking....laa-dee-frickin'--da. Right? lol
After stopping off at my sisters house (post bone cruncher) I headed home and just stayed here til time to get himself from work. Sis gave me a really nice air purifier. I mentioned to her that I was going to start looking for an air cleaner to keep in this room wehere the computer is, and she said "I have one you can have." Seems she bought this thing and then her husband couldn't stand the way it smells --(all bleachy) he said. It's actually an air purifier and creates ozone. She paid over two hundred dollars for it, she said. I have it on top of the bookcase and we shall see if there is any discernable difference in the next couple of days. FREE. (I'm ALL about the bargain, baby).
I'm heading to bed, just wanted to stop in and say hey. Too tired tonight, and thankfully, tomoorw I get to sleep in and stay home. I have already made hubby's lunch and his breakfast (he likes egg sandwiches), the kitchen is all cleaned up, the critters are all in and everyone is fed. The sick little baby kat, I am relieved to report, is MUCH better. She has been medicated within an inch of her life, and the antibiotics seem to be working. Thank goodness. I was very concerned about her. But tonight she is sitting on my lap again and even purring through her congestion (probably a lot like our Pammie! lol). She's not fighting the medicating procss nearly as much either. Hallelujah!
Goodnight you princes (and princesses) of Maine, you Kings (and queens) of New England. Sweetest of dream time to you all....


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Too,Too Tuesday

[The famous sign on the way to hubby's work....]

Life is just full of mystery, isn't it? ROTFLMAO....

Took the baby cat to the vet and almost 350 dollars later, she seems no better this evening. We have antibiotics and eye goop and all sorts of various and sundry things to help her get better. The good news was, after $165.00 worth of xrays....she has no pneumonia. arrgghhhhhh.. I nearly laid a golden egg when the receptionist gave me the total...I was NOT my usual gracious self.

I had to stop and take a picture of that sign above today. I have been meaning to do it for a couple of months, but never had the camera with me. Today for some reason I remembered and went into the house and grabbed it.

Just finished watching an episode of Saving Grace with Holly Hunter. I love that show and am so glad it's back on again. It was a new one, made in 2009. Also watched the new one with Eric McCormack in it, Trust Me. It was okay, but I don't think I would bend over backwards to watch it. I LOVE him too...but not this show so much.

I am tired and crabby and need to get some more sleep tonight. I have to get up and keep the car again in the morning, as I have a chiro appointment. I almost called today and rescheduled it...I still might. I am just so darn tired.... If I go to bed in the next 15 minutes, I might feel alot better in the morning. Novel idea, eh?

I'm going to try to give kitty a dose of Clavamox before I go to bed. Hubby and I wrestled her to put the antibiotic drops in her eyes and the ear mite stuff in her ears tonight. I swear, you'd think we were trying to kill her ! I feel so bad for her...she's just miserable.

I had 2 AA newcomer calls tonight. One is an older woman who's wanting to get into a detox, and they are few and far between around here. Is that true everywhere? The ones around here all lost their funding. I guess the really bad alkies just have to shake it out and die under bridges now. I finally found a place...and I pray she'll actually go. This is a woman who was once sober for a vey long time. She did all the things we know not to do, and then hasn't been able to get sober again. Or maybe it's better said that she hasn't wanted to badly enough yet. She sounds pretty desperate this time. I can only pray for her and I told her I will do anything I can to help her, but I can't do it for her. So I found a place, and gave her the phone number and told her she has to call them herself. There but for the grace of God go I...

I am so blessed to be sober. People in my family usually just drink until they die. I don't know why the grace fell on my head, or what plans Creator has for me. I only know I am thankful to the very core of my being.

I am so blessed to have 2 people in my life today that relapsed after having double digit sobriety as long as or longer than me. Because it puts a face on alcoholism that I cannot ignore. It puts a definite line right down the middle of the road for me. This side--you get this. That side-- you get that. The choice is mine, every single day of my life. Do I want to be drunk or do I want to be sober? Every morning I get to ask myself that question. And so far, every day the answer is the same. I want to be sober. I never want to live in that hell ever again.

Say goodnight, Gracie.


Monday, March 2, 2009

Manic Monday

It's been one of THESE kind of days....

I have a very sick kitty who is going to the vet tomorrow, and in the meantime I am cleaning up puke everywhere. Little bits of it, everywhere. And she is miserable and cranky and just generally yucky.
I have a husband who spent the end of this evening on my very last nerve. THE very last one. He emptied the dog food container without telling me, he ran the car almost out of gas, so when I had to go out at 10 PM to find dog food, I had to also gas up the car first, in 23 degree weather. My back is hurting, and this cold is nailing me to the wall. Of course, HE can't go get dog food, he needs to get to bed. No matter that I am also getting up at 5 AM to keep the car so I can take the cat to the vet.
ARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, all the way to the town (10 miles away) where there is someplace open that I can buy dogfood, I am counting to ten and meditating some and trying to listen to some beautiful music on our local jazz station. I am trying to talk myself out of this icky pissy place. On the way home, I have to come to a complete stop and let about 2 dozen deer make their way across the road, from one cornfield to the next soybean field. And as I watch them carefully step and prance, I am reminded that there is a lot of beauty in the world, and a lot to be extremely grateful for tonight. I am reminded in those few moments that I do love that man, flaws and all, and that most of the time he is considerate and loving and kind. And that I am tired and hurting and over-reacting to all this.
The Voluntary Simplicity class started tonight. It was good. There are about 10 people in the class, all of us different and unique and bringing a new perspective to the table. It was pretty awesome listening to everyone sharing their stories and ideas.
Grateful too for blogging, which helps me gain perspective and stretch my wings and fly.
Grateful for that big old bed I'm about to climb into!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Suddenly Sunday

Whew. A full day of Area Assembly and committee meetings and reports. Took a drive over to my brothers before coming home and a light supper with them. Stayed for only about 3 hours, since the drive home is over 2 hours and we l;eft all the dogs in as it was so cold today. The wind was brutal and the wind chill fractor for most of the day brought the temps down to single digits. Must say, when we finally got home, 14 hours later, no one had made a mess in the house, with the exception of a magazine Pat had left on the couch. (That just makes it his fault, right?) But I was impressed with the puppies and their amazing bladder control ! I had put some piddle pads down, but they didn't use them.

I am so exhausted I am going right to bed. But I wanted to stop in and say Happy March and send blessings and good wishes to all.

I am crabby and tired and my body hurts hurts hurts. It's hard for me to ride for too long and andall that sitting takes a toll too. BUt--it's done and all's well in my world...