In the great cosmic scheme of things...
6 planets in retrograde, eclipses, alignments... the heavens are crazy. Here on planet earth, I am crazy. Crazy things are happening. Birth, death, and all the time in between. I am at an age where the people who are my peers are starting to die and it's got me freaking out a little. I found out this morning that my high school pal that I reconnected with a couple of years ago has died. She was going in to the hospital for one last surgery, and was found unresponsive after she got home. We had just talked and were planning another of our famous "lunches" as soon as she was back on her feet. I will never get to hug her or laugh with her again. She had such a zest and joy for life. In my memory, that light will never be dimmed. Off to her next adventure... peace be with you, my darling girl.
I have been weepy all evening. I have been very angry the past few days. Angry at my husbandman and the dogs and everything that makes me work harder and more than I care to. Angry at myself for being so angry. Been sitting in meditation and praying and doing any and every thing I can think of to quell these emotions. Everything, that is, except trying to figure out what's triggering all this. It's a fact that I am tired. I am in the middle of my second week of being back at work after a 17 year hiatus. I haven't settled into a routine yet. My householding chores need organizing so I don't have to feel like I'm working 24/7. (I'm not- but it feels like it). Some days I am better than others. And it isn't work-- that is proving to be a good thing for the most part. I haven't gotten a paycheck yet, but will on the 24th. I only have to see my toughest client once this week, as I am going to a state conference for AA this coming weekend, and asked for Fri-Sun off. So, there's that. I have a friend who works in a bank which was robbed today. She is going through what anyone would after having been in that kind of traumatizing situation. My heart hurts for her... and then I realize that in 5 days (8/20) it will be the 33rd anniversary of my father's death. The year I became an orphan. Lots of cell memory there. I always react on a psychic emotional level to this every year when it comes around, and it is always a surprise when I realize that's what's going on. I will probably never understand it. I find a small comfort in knowing that it's the reason for my over reacting and my (sort of) misplaced grief. I seem to have a lot of people in my life right now with cancer. My father died of cancer. Another friend of mine just underwent surgery on Monday for cancer. Am waiting for her call... the daughter called and said it went well, and that her mom would call me in a few days. I am getting antsy, but trying not to call her because I have no idea what's going on over there. Her family is with her...I am not her family. I feel like I am in limbo... and that doesn't help things. So I try to just... breathe. And cry. And rail at death and all it's injustice. And sit in the quiet a little more. And try to make sense of my life and this world and all the stuff that goes with it.
It's nearing midnight and I need sleep. Have to get up at 6 to begin a long split workday tomorrow. Then I am off to the conference, where I will talk and be with like minded people, many of whom are probably going through their own brand of tragedies and fears and happinesses and successes. And I will just keep walking, trying to make sense of things that are truly beyond my ken and probably none of my business. I will keep trudging, and learning with each new day little life lessons that will prepare me for the days ahead. And even through my tears...through my anger... through my fear... I will try to be grateful for this life that's been given me. The grief I am experiencing will abate. (Until probably this time next year). My weeping will stop. And I will wake up to a new day...a little stronger and maybe even a little wiser.
(Hey-- it could happen.)