Almost old as dirt...

 

 

   It's Sunday June 2nd. It's a beautiful day with lots of sun after a week of off and on stupid amounts of rain.  I have puttered about and done a bit of laundering, a bit of critter care and a bit of fooding. It's 3 PM now, and considering I didn't go to bed last night until after 2:30 and then didn't get up until almost noon... I'd say I've acccomplished a lot.  lol   Or certainly enough for a Sunday.  I'm such a heathen... about the only thing I have taken from Christianity is their " Sunday Day of Rest" thingee.  lol  And Love one another. Which I do a better job of some days than others.  Oh well.   It's all a matter of perspective. Such is life. 

  I am looking at all the things that need doing around here and are not getting done, things I CAN and CANNOT do myself.  It's disheartening. My little front [guest] bathroom has the floor falling in for about 5 months now, a little worse every day. Haven't been using it all .  My son is going to fix it next week, he brought most of the materials in today while we were having tuna salad sandwiches for lunch. I tried other avenues but couldn't get anyone, so he said he's do it.  He's on vacation this week.  Every time he offers to do something, someone in this house gets their panties in a bunch, even though that person has no intention of doing any of it.  Today it pissed me off. I'm pretty sure I told him it was happening, but he doesn't remember.  So after slamming about a bit, I came back here to offer some prayers and meditations to whatever gods might be listening. I got the kitchen cleaned up. I have a small basket of his work clothes on the table to be folded. Peeled the rest of the medium boiled eggs that didn't go in the tuna salad.  Still clenching my teeth and muttering.  So... Bless him and change me. Bless him and change me.  Bless him and change me. 

  It's gotten me thinking about the life I live and the spiritual growth I have barely managed so far in my 71.5 years on the planet.  Almost 34 of those years sober.  You'd think I'd be better than this by now.  I'd hoped I'd be better than this by now. But as with most things, it is what it is and I better get used to it. Or change it.  So what can I do to change the things I can ?   Talk to someone else about it to get a clearer view. Pray for everyone involved, and that includes me. Start taking steps to clarify my intentions, no matter what anyone else thinks they know.  Considering the amount of stress and physical and neurological changes going on here due to health issues and AGE, (and certain character defects) it might help to write things down and post them on the refrigerator or somewhere.  So there's no argument about what was or wasn't said.  And I guess I'm done with this rant. My blood pressure feels lower and I am breathing quietly and the noise inside my head has stopped. Mostly.

  So, Sunday. I have more things to do, one of which is getting back to reading another Michael Connelly book I started called Dark Sacred Night. It's a Hieronymous Bosch detective book.  Always good stuff.  I may or may not give that man a haircut. He looks like raggedy man and has been very passive aggressive about not getting it cut. I HATE doing it. Mostly because it's not my area. I am not and have never had any training in the barber arts.  He asked me to do it and I didn't want to. That really amped up the srgument.  lol  

  That might be it for the news at Honeysuckle Hill.  Nothing exciting, lots of ridiculous and mostly just a couple of bozos trying to wind their way through a life road filled with potholes.

   Whatcha gonna do ??

The Time has come, the walrus said....

.........To talk of many things--of shoes-- and ships-- and sealing wax and cabbages and kings. Of why the seas are boiling hot -- and whether pigs have wings.

  I woke up in a melancholy state this morning. Not sure what triggered it, except that I am hurting again today and railing against the confines of a 71 year old body that has been rode hard and put away wet. (So what did I expect to happen by now ?)  Sigh... perhaps it was the memories of my dad this past Memorial Day weekend. Perhaps it was just time, in a Universe I neither understand or control.  It started out with a crying jag, just some sobbing really. And feelings of pain and loss and abandonment and being tossed aside by people in my life. And it has washed over me randomly throughout this morning. 

 Yuck. Almost 34 years sober and I still don't cope well with my emotions. Maybe that's part of it. (Cell memory)  Almost 2 weeks to my sober anniversary. I haven't gotten too squirrely the last few years around this, but I certainly did in the past.  And maybe it's a culmination of things. Feeling thrown away by 2 women in my life. Closing doors and all that... new ones have opened as well and that is always good.  But it doesn't change the loss of friendships.  And I don't know that I should mourn these losses... or even want to.  I want to trust that [eventually] all things happen for the best. I want to believe that my Soul Journey knows exactly where it's headed and why. I want to believe that everything is not about me, that perhaps my part has just been a catalyst in someone else's journey and now my part is done.  I can live with that.  But the old childhood traumas are etched deep in my psyche. And sometimes they interfere with my growth as a spiritual being. 

  So.  Life continues happening around here.  lol  Not quite halfway through the chemo treatments, himself became deathly ill from a build up of the toxic drugs. He apparently has a deficiency in a particular enzyme (DPD).  This enzyme binds to and carries certain toxic chemo drugs out of the system. So his just built up until he was so dehydrated and starving and toxic he almost died. He couldn't eat. He lost 40 lbs in about 2 months.  He was hospitalized for over a week.  IV fluids 24/7, added potassium and other nutrients by IV.  It was very scary. They stopped all treatments and he got better.  Tomorrow we have a surgical consult. An MRI showed that the radiation and what chemo he had shrunk the tunmor markedly, so they're going to remove it.  Then we see.  Last week he went back to work part time.  lol  You wouldn't know anything was going on to look at him.  He's still more tired than usual, but has been working at building up his muscles and stamina.  It's been a rollercoaster, to say the least.

  Well, I cried through some of this writing. Sheesh. I used to be a tough old broad.  I don't know what happened.  lol  (Just kidding.  I know exactly what happened.)  Guess I'm going to have to make a dr appt and see about some pain management. This hip pain is not receding and it's been more than 3 days now.  Sigh... getting old ain't for sissies...

Sledge hammers and litterboxes

 

  This has been a rollercoaster of a few months.  I don't know  where to start.  I feel like I really need to get some things out of me and on paper, so I have chosen to blog about them, since this doesn't get read by many anyway.  I take full responsibility for that, as I am such a hit and miss blogger the past few years. It is past midnight and I am beyond tired.  This past summer one of my nephews died of a heroin overdose. A couple of years before that, HIS nephew died of a heroin overdose.  My heart breaks for the brother that these belong to. It is brutal and senseless and so unnecessary.  The one that died this summer lived with us for a while when he was in HS. His life has been nothing but grief to his family these last years and it was inevitable. I tried at one point to get him into a recovery program, hooked him up with a nice young man close to his age, but he didn't want any part of it. It's heartbreaking watching the havoc addiction wreaks on the lives of the addict and everyone who loves them. Then just before Thanksgiving, my husband was diagnosed with Stage 3 colon cancer.  We kept the news to ourselves for a while, as he tried to process it all. Then we told family members. I had confided in a couple of very close friends, but he was keeping it bottled up. Finally he told a few people and then it was out.  December was full of consults and dr appointmnets in St Louis and in the first full week of January, they started radiation treatments.  We're blessed to have one the nations top cancer centers here.  The medical care from the VA has been superb.  My husband has a great attitude and managed to work half days through the treatments.  After they were finished, the side effects began. He has missed the last week of work and is feeling really crappy.  (**it's weeks later now).  He missed another week and a half of work before he could go back.   He had a little down time before they started the chemo treatments, and on January 30th the first infusion was administered. The second one is coming up in 12 days. In between, he takes 2 weeks of chemo PILLS, one week off, then the next infusion.  Total of 4 infusions.  Then tests to see if they can do surgery yet to remove the tumor. He's had some strange side effects from the chemo, most are fleeting. He looks tired. He's worked 40 hours this week by the time he gets home. Last week he was able to work 20.  This stuff is not for the faint of heart.  Today is his 64th birthday. He doesn't want a celebration, but I'm making one of his favorite dinners of lemon chicken with rice and some vegetable.  He's lost about 8 pounds since this started, his appetite is different than normal.  I made some sugar free chocolate pudding with almond milk since he didn't want a cake. lol  The chicken is marinating right now. I've been a householding fool today, and managed to get a lot of things done, (like laundry and scrubbing out litterboxes). I have a little birthday bag for him with an Irish flag and a Celtic symbol on a chain that he'll probably never wear. But I liked it.  lol  

   So, in between all this, I had a bad diverticulitis attack that landed me in the ER.  They ran all kinds of stupid tests (as they are wont to do) and then ordered a post ER Ultrasound on my gall bladder. Seems I have developed gall stones. Sigh... not causing any real trouble yet, but they want to remove the thing before it does. Been a real clusterfork trying to get it scheduled because I need to do it around his treatment schedules and I want to do it half an hour from here instead of over an hour where they originally wanted to schedule it. It's all been frustrating. Oh, and did I mention that my brother also died rather unexpectedly in December, right before Xmas ?  At the same hospital they wanted to send me to ?  So...you can imagine my general state of mind. Top that with a new phone I got that will not work well...supposed to be "senior friendly" and I bought 2 and after much ado, am sending them both back and getting my $$ refunded.  Dropping calls, not opening apps, lousy reception and speakers.  Luckily I only set up the one to see how it worked. lol  So we still have one halfway dependable phone. 

  All in all, it's a wonder I haven't run screaming through the streets. But so far, I've been okay. We have lots of love and support around us and I am so thankful for everyone that has offered and done little things to help us. My friend Mary comes to mind, who said once... "Life comes at us like a sledgehammer sometimes.  No time to duck."  Whew.