Sunday, March 27, 2016

Quiet Moments

    Sometimes...for some people...quiet moments can be hard to find.  Even out here on Honeysuckle Hill there is noise. Hunters shooting guns in the distance, 4 wheelers screaming down the road. Dogs barking. Coyotes howling. Owls calling across the pastures for their mates. Not all the noise is bad. And most of it is not all the time, sometimes even rarely.  And sometimes I react differently than other times.

    I can always tell when I am out of balance. My reactions are way over the top. Little things make me big crazy. I am restless and irritable. I am discontent. My brain goes into overdrive and I cannot think clearly, sleep well or pray or meditate.  Nothing suits me. People aggravate me. Everything is extreme. 

    I am a recovering alcoholic. You may or may not know this. You may or may not care.  One thing I have learned in my years on this planet is that NO one thinks as much about me as I do.  I have a sign on my fridge that says: " I may not be much, but I'm all I think about."  And another next to it that is a Maxine cartoon that says "Don't believe everything you think." That about sums it up.  Being an alcoholic or an addict...recovered or very much about being  a person of extremes. Top of the world or a waste of space. Genius or idiot. Super model or troll.  There are no in-betweens for us. Learning to live in the world without the aid of substances that make living bearable for us is a long sometimes excruciating business that never ends. I say that only so that you will understand that I will never be free of the disease of alcoholism and that, because the world never stops changing,  I am on a life long journey of figuring out how to stay one step ahead of the sense I have that says that I will never be okay.  And some days, I am okay. And other days, I am on the lookout for the loony wagon. 

  Before you start thinking that it's all hopeless and that you feel sorry for me, you should know  that I am living a life beyond anything I ever imagined possible.  I am married to a really great guy and have a perfectly suitable house and a place for gardens. I have a Honda with 209,456 miles on it that still runs like a champ. I have animals and family and friends. Because I am disabled since 2001 when I was in an industrial accident, I have lots of time to do things I always wanted to do but never could because I was on that merry go round  of work work work that left me exhausted and stressed and too depleted for anything but sleeping and eating and working some more.  Which I had to do because we had a mortgage and 2 new cars and  blah blah blah. And I know lots of people who live that life.  It's kind of the norm.  So when I was crushed by this big machine which tore me all up and made it impossible for me to ever work in any kind of work environment (for reasons which I will spare you--tmi)  it turned out that the worst thing that had ever happened to me became the best thing that ever happened to me. I had time for creative things like music and art and writing and gardening. I had time for friends. And when the lawsuit over it all  got knocked  from quite  a bit of money to very little money (because the workers comp. insurance company declared bankruptcy)...that turned out to be a blessing as well. Maybe. 

  Experiences which humble us change us. As much as most of us dislike change, it is good.  The world changes, people change.  Change is growth.  Learning to adapt is evolution. Loving the journey- that is joy. That is hope.  Living long enough to see the  changes in yourself is something else.  I don't always see them. More like short  flashes of something that later on make sense. 

  I am doing a 21 day meditation exercise right now. It's an Oprah and Deepak Chopra series on Shedding the Weight. Physical, mental and spiritual. It's about balance. It came just when I needed it, as these things are wont to do.  I've done several of the ones they've offered over the past few years and I have always come away with  good stuff.  Today was day 7 of this one, so it's only just begun. I am feeling the centering that regular meditation always gives me.  I am realizing once again that I have a very bad habit of not doing things that I know are good for me.  Things that I KNOW make me a better person, woman, friend.  Things that I KNOW enrich my life and make it easier for me to live in the world. 

  Old dogs. New tricks.  sigh...It's after 1 AM and I need to be asleep.  I walked about a quarter mile today as part of my knee rehab program and it went pretty well. I did take a nap this afternoon late and that's why I'm still up.  Spring is in the air here finally...thank goodness. I am ready.


Monday, March 21, 2016

Life love and everything...

  Just a catchy title. lol  What do I know about life , love, or anything--for that matter ??   Not so much. Or quite enough.  

  We have passed a couple of milestones since my sister died...first Valentine's Day, her birthday. St Patrick's Day.  All things that she took great pleasure in and had loads of fun doing.  The loss is still so close and I guess that's how it always goes...for me at least. When I don't expect it, something will make me cry. Or a memory will make me laugh. And it's all so incongruous. But everyone soldiers on, especially in the face of the things that we have absolutely no control over or cannot do a single thing about.  Brave, aren't we ?  Human, aren't we ?

  We've had some beautiful spring days, with threats of rains that barely appeared and threats of light snow showers that never appeared. Last night, however, the temps dropped into the low 30's and there is some frost out there.  Looks like that may be the end of it, according to the extended forecasts. But one never knows. For our part, we have begun cleaning up the garden beds, which mostly means trying to knock back the blackberry and raspberries that try to take over our garden beds. They are incorrigible. The Irishman did a lot of work out there on Friday, and even got 2 of the smaller beds turned over. I might be able to get out there this week, if it warms up enough, and rake some of it and at least get some kale in. We haven't bought any seed potatoes or onion sets yet either and I need to look through my seeds and see what I have and what I need to get. We'll get the garden journal out and start making a plan this week probably. Things have been a little busy around here the past few weeks, but finally are starting to settle down.  As always in our life, there are still things going on all the time, but we are getting better at picking and choosing.  The older I get, the more I do whatever I want to do and not so much what everybody else wants me to do. Ah...more freedoms of old age.  Awesome, innit ?

   The knee is healing, the muscles are feeling the tiniest bit better every day. Last night was better.  I only got up once and took some Tylenol and went back to bed. I find that if  I march around a bit when I get up it helps.  Lying too long or sitting too long and the muscles start tightening up again and it hurts. Not a bone curdling hurt..just a whimpery kind of hurt that wakes you up and is annoying.  I just want to wake up and feel good and have this part done.  I am now 1 month and 4 days post-op.  For heavens sake--how long does this healing stuff take ???  Patience is NOT my strong suit. Perhaps this is where I learn some. (Not.)  

  My chickens are eating eggs like crazy. I don't know what to do about it. I go out there often to try to catch it before it happens but not much luck.  And now someone wants to give me 20 chickens  (all,supposedly) under 3 years of age) and I don't know if I want them. I really don't know if I have room for that many.  I have had this egg eating dilemma in the past a few times, but never so consistently. It's maddening. Not to mention the fact that I am feeding them and getting nothing in return. This cannot continue, as you know, and once the weather warms up we'll see what happens.  Never thought I'd say it, but I'm almost tired of having chickens and dealing with all this stuff. Someone is pecking the hell out of another one too, all about her head they have pecked her until she's bald.  Sigh.... chicken behavior is so strange sometimes. We have 6 sweet (snork) little hens..and they cannot behave themselves it seems. I gave them more calcium (thinking the egg eating was dietary).  Nope.  I buy them kale in the winter so they still get plenty of greens. Nope. I threaten them, I beg and cajole. I sing to them. Nothing works. 

  Well...the dryer has shut off (his work clothes). I have a bit of a full day today...20 pounds of chicken quarters has been cooking away in the roaster all night (Found it yesterday for 19 cents/lb) and I have to pull the meat off the bone and either can or freeze it.  making a chicken pot pie for supper with some of it too.  Have a potluck meeting tonight that I have to bake a cake for and make some kind of appetizer, Also am squeezing physical therapy in the middle there at 2 o'clock.  Guess I'd better get moving.   Haven't loosed the chooks yet either, but it's only 30 degrees out there even though it's looking sunny.

  Heigh HO---here we go.  Hope you day is a fun filled productive one !!


Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Writing as a means of avoidance

  Today is destined for greatness. 

 lol   Temps in the mid to high 70's with NO rain. Sunshine.  Lilies are popping up everywhere, daffodils are blooming, the yards and fields around here are going green. That gorgeous rich spring green that makes your heart sing.  Today I will throw open the windows and turn on the ceiling fans and sweep and dust and then go meet an old friend for lunch. Then I'll pop in and vote on my way out of town to go buy chicken feed and shop at Aldi's (they're right across the street from one another). Then I'll come home, drop off the wheelchair I didn't use last weekend and take a nap probably. lol

  The conference  went off with only a few minor glitches, and although it pretty much used me up, I had a ball. Met lots of new people, re-connected with others I haven't seen in a while.  Had some good food and a bit of a spiritual experience. Not a bit. A major shifting of something inside me. I know I talked about feeling this happening last post (or before), but apparently this past Saturday I was exactly in the right place at the right time in the right frame of mind. I'm not ready to talk too much about it yet, but believe me, the time will come when I will.  Right now, I feel like one of my gallon jars of KimChi...sitting on the counter bubbling away.  When the fermentation time is right, it will roar out of me like a geyser.

   ...meanwhile, back at the

  I came home the other day and went out back to check on my chickens because they were acting a little funny. Not distressed really, but not quite right.  I got back there and on the other side of the run there were 2 gorgeous  wild (I guess??) turkeys. One white, one a rusty brown.  They are presently hanging out like they live's crazy.  I put some scratch grains out for them and they seem content to hang out and scrabble in the dirt. 

  The longer I sit here and write, the more I am avoiding all this stuff I need to do. lol  I need to pick up potato and onion sets as they need to be put in the ground soon. Looks like the temps are planning to stay in the 50's and 60's from here on out, so that means it's time for gardening plans to be put on the table. I was out there this morning and the chives are up. The trees are budding. The  world is shifting into grow mode. 

  Okay. It's after 9 and I am lunching at 11:30.  Time for action. Still having a bit of muscle and ligament pain. but have been discharged from all home health services. (It's my excuse for everything)  Yesterday I started PT with my guy in the next town over. 

  I have high hopes.  This is going to be a great summer....


Monday, March 7, 2016

Time Marches On...

 I am trying to stay awake later and later. I have gotten my sleep patterns all goofy because of the surgery pain and the pain medications and all that jazz. Everyone says "Go Slow"  and "Take it easy" and  I really have been...but the problem is that I am sleeping a lot and going to bed way early (for me) and then I am walking the floors at 3AM because I am awake and my muscles are cramping from laying too much and my brain is racing.  lol  Last night I stayed up til after 1...then for some reason I woke up at 3. And then went back to bed at 5 and got up at 7 because I had some places to go. Long story short, I was so freaking exhausted that when I did get home this afternoon, I lay down and slept the sleep of the dead for over 2 hours. And I am still tired. lol

  Life is slowly getting back to normal; A new normal. but nonetheless...

 Today (7th) was my darling girl's birthday. When she was alive, we always got together for her and my birthdays.   So many little things that change and sadden and tear your heart out when you lose a loved one.  I texted both her kids and said I love you. I know this will be hard for them. I hate it when you lose someone so close to holidays and birthdays and such. She passed on the 12th, and their Valentine's Day will always be marked by her passing... and so close to her birthday too (within a month).  I called my brother at home a few days ago to check on him and the answering machine picked up and it was her voice and I started bawling...felt like someone punched me in the gut. I could barely leave a message. All these things will ease with time, but time seems to be all warped for me right now.

  Had the PT at the house today and I was complaining that all this is taking so long and everything is going so slow...and she looked at me like I was nuts. She said--honey. You're only 3 weeks out of a major surgery. You're doing great. And I was---what ? Feels like it's been 3 months. The knee is doing great and the only pain I really have is the soft tissue damage from all the manipulating of muscle and tendon that they have to do to get knees in and knees out. It's almost more severe discomfort than pain, but I still don't like it. lol  I will be discharged from Home Health this week, do 8-10 weeks of outpatient PT  and get to working in my garden.  lol 

  Spring is showing itself around these parts. We supposedly have some serious rain coming the next 3-4 days.  It was almost 70 degrees today, but cloudy. Just enough sun to make you happy. lol  I opened up the house to blow the stink out and turned off the furnace.  At almost 1 AM it's still 58 degrees out there.  How weird is that.  I just looked and now they're saying no rain tomorrow, but moderate rain Wed-Thur-Fri.  We'll see,

  I'm going to head for bed here in a bit and see what happens. One of the local markets is having their big 10 for 10 sale and have both carrots (2 lb pkgs) and celery on sale. I need more dehydrated celery as I'm down to my last jar. And I was thinking about canning some carrots. So I'll be making a quick trip to the market in the morning I think.  We'll see how the night goes. Sometimes I get so little sleep that I wind up napping off and on for much of the day. That's a habit I need to break./ lol

  Alright. I'm outta here....