Sunday, October 28, 2018

There's a visitor here...

A little dog that had to be pulled from the clutches of  Cruella de Vil to avoid being taken to the pound. A very unfortunate situation that I am peripherally involved in and could not just stay out of it. He's a little MinPin/Doxie mix, small, 3 years old.  It will most likely be an extended temporary situation. I am probably a fool for doing this, but it is what it is, and I couldn't just let it get killed.  He wants so badly to play with the other dogs, lol, and he and the Meemonster are doing okay, but the bigger dogs scare me. Molly is known to be a little snarky and Bella is so big that I don't trust her for a few days.  The other dogs are outside right now  and he is in here with me, whining to go back outside in the sunshine.
Myma keeps staring at him like she thinks it's her. lol  The big dogs are a little befuddled too because they do look a lot alike. lol He's about  2/3  Myma's size though, and every bit as annoying. lol

  Life has been a crazy whirlwind lately. I've been working  [too much], busy with other things, trying to keep my house clean [and failing]. Called off today because I haven't slept hardly at all last night and felt really crummy. I'm off tomorrow, so should be able to get myself back on track. Ran over around 8 AM and picked up this dog. Laying low for the rest of the day.

   Here's Myma:

  Here they are. laying together on a pillow by the computer..

And now it's days later. The little guy was rehomed to some very nice people, the proverbial shit has hit the fan at Cruella's house (it needed to) and lots of stuff in the air.    I have to leave for work in about 40 minutes, a young woman just came to the door and asked if it was my cows that were out at the bottom of the hill, and the dogs went bonkers when she came to the door. lol  There's never a dull moment around here.

  Yesterday there was a horrific shooting in a synagogue in Boston. There have been bombs being sent to Democratic leaders and outspoken critics of this current administration. There is so much hate in this country and unspeakable acts being perpetrated every day. This practice of hate and fear mongering is going to be the death of this democracy. The elections are coming up next week and I hope to God that we can shift the balance of power of this tyranny we live under.  I almost threw up yesterday when tRump said We must unify America...he is the one that has been stirring up all this hate in his base and in my opinion is the one responsible for anything that happens as a result of it. He has outspokenly blamed Democrats for everything under the sun. Even the caravan of migrants coming from Central America. Blaming the  media for anything they say about him or his policies as being fake news, even when it direct quotes ON FILM of things he has said. My guess is that he thought this was all very funny until it got so out of hand. Watch clips of him at his rallies. Listen to the words coming out of his mouth. Never in the history of America (except possibly Andrew Jackson) has there been a leader of this country with less dignity and integrity. The reputation of America has been ground into the mud in the past 2 years and I don't know if we will ever recover from it.

  I know a few people who truly believe in and defend this presidency, and I do not understand it.  If a lie is repeated enough times, it still is not the truth.   If America becomes a country that refuses to live by all it's basic tenets, then who are we ?  There is so much fear. This hatred, this living in fear...this is not who we are.  This is not who I am. 

Monday, October 1, 2018

Not feeling elegant or blessed...

Feeling angry. Enraged. Furious. 

One in 5 women will be raped at some point in their lives. 1 in 71 men will be. 81% of women who experienced sexual assault suffer from post traumatic stress syndrome and other  short and long term impacts. 
  • The prevalence of false reporting is low between 2% and 10%. For example, a study of eight U.S. communities, which included 2,059 cases of sexual assault, found a 7.1% rate of false reports (i). A study of 136 sexual assault cases in Boston found a 5.9% rate of false reports (h). Researchers studied 812 reports of sexual assault from 2000-2003 and found a 2.1% rate of false reports (g).
  • Rape is the most under-reported crime; 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police (m)

  I am walking around like a time bomb. I'm not the only one. Every time I hear one more stupid thing come out of Washington DC I want to scream.  And now with the investigation into Brett Kavanaugh and the accusations of rape by 3 different women (so far)... I can barely control myself.  In case you don't understand what is happening, let me clue you in.  When you have been the victim of sexual assault, it sears into your psyche like you've been branded. With a burn that never heals. And sometimes you can walk around in your life for a long time, pushing it down, ignoring it and distracting yourself enough that it isn't in the front of your brain. But all it takes is a little ignorant remark, a smell, a sound... and you are right back in it like it happened this morning. And the nature of post traumatic stress is that it consumes you. It takes you over.  It disconnects you from the present and sends you right back down to the hell that you found yourself in when you were assaulted. 

  I am in that hell now. And I  cannot seem to shake it off this time.  And it is dressing itself up as rage. I am so everyone. At everything.  I am screaming and crying and generally losing my shit. And it's scaring me to death. 

  I have always prided myself on not playing a victim. Of anything... of fate, of circumstance.  But lately I am feeling like a victim. The word HATE keeps spewing out of my mouth.  I am swearing and  screaming in the car. I am getting so angry at inconsequential things that I am shaking. And I'm not sure what to do.

  I am afraid. 

  I am afraid that everything we have accomplished in the realm of women's rights is being lost. I am afraid that all has been for nothing. I am afraid that violent men are being encouraged and rewarded for their abhorrent behavior by the fact that we have a serial sexual assaulter in the highest government of this country who thinks he can do anything he likes to women because he is a [rich] man.  And in all the levels of government as well. And when these men and the things they say are in the most public arena and it is declared that "Boys will be boys"  the vile acts of predators and rapists are considered acceptable.  Well, it is NOT acceptable. Not to me and not to the millions of women in this country who have been raped and assaulted. 

  I am afraid that I do not matter, in the end. Because when these acts are trivialized and ignored, you are telling me that I don't matter. And it triggers the rage that I am experiencing right now. In case you don't know it, rage and anger save me from my fear. They empower me and lift me up. And they exhaust me. Because like drinking those energy drinks or using cocaine, at some point you have to crash. The anger and rage are not sustainable and the crash is inevitable. And that's when the real trouble begins.

  The deck is stacked.  And we are on the losing side. And it scares the hell out of me, because we are playing for keeps here.  I need to speak my truth. I need to face my fears head on. I need to stop telling myself that I was responsible for the things that happened to me.  I need to stop believing the giant lie that this culture perpetuates when it makes it too hard to report and prosecute these events.  When it marginalizes the victims of sexual assault.  I was 9  the first time, molested for a couple of years.  There is no way that it could have remotely been my fault, yet everything was swept under the rug and I was told I was exaggerating or making it up.  I was 14 the next time. At a party drinking. And I believed that it was my fault then too... I shouldn't have been at the party. I shouldn't have been drinking. Me Me Me. And in my early 20's I was violently assaulted and raped by a complete stranger.  Again,  I somehow believed that my behavior was partly responsible because I have heard this shit all my life.. "She shouldn't have been THERE.  She shouldn't have been doing That. Look at how she dresses--she's asking for it. " And a million other inane ridiculous things people say. Like so many wrong things I have heard all my life, I internalized them, and after my experiences at 9 years old, I NEVER TOLD ANYONE AGAIN. I never asked anyone for help.  And now, at almost 66 years old, I am about to implode.

  No More.  I know there are decent men. I know not every man is a sexual predator. But when I am in the middle of a melt down of this proportion, you all look alike to me. It isn't fair I guess. But you will never understand that you have been making the rules regarding me and my body and my psyche my whole life, and that makes you guilty. I can no longer sit here on my hands and not speak. This society of ours constantly tells women that we are not enough (look at national advertising). That we are not worth as much as men (look at pay scales). That we do not have anything to say in the way laws are made and this country is run  (look at the disproportionate numbers of men vs women in our government offices). Yes, I am angry. And I can't tell you how many times I have been told growing up that it...isn't very ladylike to be so get angry... and I have pictures of me as a child where I looked so enraged that it scared the adult me. This anger is not new. And I have been very angry and very scared for the past 2 years, as I have watched and heard unbelievable shit come out of the mouth of that man  that sits in the White House (and seemingly decent people just laughed it off, or looked a tad embarrassed and averted their eyes. But still endorsed him). As I have watched  again and again as men in the government are being charged with sex crimes of one kind or another. Ministers, Priests... when does it stop ?  When do you stop looking the other way?  When it's YOUR daughter ?? YOUR sister ?  YOUR mother ?  When ??

  Yes, I am angry.  And I am old.  And that is a very dangerous combination.