Monday, October 1, 2018

Not feeling elegant or blessed...



Feeling angry. Enraged. Furious. 


One in 5 women will be raped at some point in their lives. 1 in 71 men will be. 81% of women who experienced sexual assault suffer from post traumatic stress syndrome and other  short and long term impacts. 
  • The prevalence of false reporting is low between 2% and 10%. For example, a study of eight U.S. communities, which included 2,059 cases of sexual assault, found a 7.1% rate of false reports (i). A study of 136 sexual assault cases in Boston found a 5.9% rate of false reports (h). Researchers studied 812 reports of sexual assault from 2000-2003 and found a 2.1% rate of false reports (g).
  • Rape is the most under-reported crime; 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police (m)

  I am walking around like a time bomb. I'm not the only one. Every time I hear one more stupid thing come out of Washington DC I want to scream.  And now with the investigation into Brett Kavanaugh and the accusations of rape by 3 different women (so far)... I can barely control myself.  In case you don't understand what is happening, let me clue you in.  When you have been the victim of sexual assault, it sears into your psyche like you've been branded. With a burn that never heals. And sometimes you can walk around in your life for a long time, pushing it down, ignoring it and distracting yourself enough that it isn't in the front of your brain. But all it takes is a little ignorant remark, a smell, a sound... and you are right back in it like it happened this morning. And the nature of post traumatic stress is that it consumes you. It takes you over.  It disconnects you from the present and sends you right back down to the hell that you found yourself in when you were assaulted. 

  I am in that hell now. And I  cannot seem to shake it off this time.  And it is dressing itself up as rage. I am so angry...at everyone. At everything.  I am screaming and crying and generally losing my shit. And it's scaring me to death. 

  I have always prided myself on not playing a victim. Of anything... of fate, of circumstance.  But lately I am feeling like a victim. The word HATE keeps spewing out of my mouth.  I am swearing and  screaming in the car. I am getting so angry at inconsequential things that I am shaking. And I'm not sure what to do.

  I am afraid. 

  I am afraid that everything we have accomplished in the realm of women's rights is being lost. I am afraid that all has been for nothing. I am afraid that violent men are being encouraged and rewarded for their abhorrent behavior by the fact that we have a serial sexual assaulter in the highest government of this country who thinks he can do anything he likes to women because he is a [rich] man.  And in all the levels of government as well. And when these men and the things they say are in the most public arena and it is declared that "Boys will be boys"  the vile acts of predators and rapists are considered acceptable.  Well, it is NOT acceptable. Not to me and not to the millions of women in this country who have been raped and assaulted. 

  I am afraid that I do not matter, in the end. Because when these acts are trivialized and ignored, you are telling me that I don't matter. And it triggers the rage that I am experiencing right now. In case you don't know it, rage and anger save me from my fear. They empower me and lift me up. And they exhaust me. Because like drinking those energy drinks or using cocaine, at some point you have to crash. The anger and rage are not sustainable and the crash is inevitable. And that's when the real trouble begins.

  The deck is stacked.  And we are on the losing side. And it scares the hell out of me, because we are playing for keeps here.  I need to speak my truth. I need to face my fears head on. I need to stop telling myself that I was responsible for the things that happened to me.  I need to stop believing the giant lie that this culture perpetuates when it makes it too hard to report and prosecute these events.  When it marginalizes the victims of sexual assault.  I was 9  the first time, molested for a couple of years.  There is no way that it could have remotely been my fault, yet everything was swept under the rug and I was told I was exaggerating or making it up.  I was 14 the next time. At a party drinking. And I believed that it was my fault then too... I shouldn't have been at the party. I shouldn't have been drinking. Me Me Me. And in my early 20's I was violently assaulted and raped by a complete stranger.  Again,  I somehow believed that my behavior was partly responsible because I have heard this shit all my life.. "She shouldn't have been THERE.  She shouldn't have been doing That. Look at how she dresses--she's asking for it. " And a million other inane ridiculous things people say. Like so many wrong things I have heard all my life, I internalized them, and after my experiences at 9 years old, I NEVER TOLD ANYONE AGAIN. I never asked anyone for help.  And now, at almost 66 years old, I am about to implode.

  No More.  I know there are decent men. I know not every man is a sexual predator. But when I am in the middle of a melt down of this proportion, you all look alike to me. It isn't fair I guess. But you will never understand that you have been making the rules regarding me and my body and my psyche my whole life, and that makes you guilty. I can no longer sit here on my hands and not speak. This society of ours constantly tells women that we are not enough (look at national advertising). That we are not worth as much as men (look at pay scales). That we do not have anything to say in the way laws are made and this country is run  (look at the disproportionate numbers of men vs women in our government offices). Yes, I am angry. And I can't tell you how many times I have been told growing up that it...isn't very ladylike to be so angry...to get angry... and I have pictures of me as a child where I looked so enraged that it scared the adult me. This anger is not new. And I have been very angry and very scared for the past 2 years, as I have watched and heard unbelievable shit come out of the mouth of that man  that sits in the White House (and seemingly decent people just laughed it off, or looked a tad embarrassed and averted their eyes. But still endorsed him). As I have watched  again and again as men in the government are being charged with sex crimes of one kind or another. Ministers, Priests... when does it stop ?  When do you stop looking the other way?  When it's YOUR daughter ?? YOUR sister ?  YOUR mother ?  When ??

  Yes, I am angry.  And I am old.  And that is a very dangerous combination. 

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hear you and I'm glad you spoke up, Annie, This is what some of uslive with and it needs to be heard.

All love
Mary

Mama Pea said...

An elegant post, Annie. Not sure "elegant" is the most correct word to use. I do know your writing is beautiful (even though concerning an awful, ugly subject) and your emotions real and need to be heard.

Unknown said...

Thank you for sharing this. I agree and feel the same. I still struggle with being molested when I was nine and my parents didn't intetvine for me, my brother in law did when I was eleven. Just the other day I still told myself I was at fault for being raped when I was twenty and sexually assaulted at thirty five-both because "I was too drunk and high to defend myself". Which is bullshit. Thank you thank you thank you! Love and healing to you and the rest of us

Deb said...

You said what needed said...for every woman alive and those passed on. It has been going on for far to long. Thank you for sharing so eloquently.

Anonymous said...

Awww, my heart goes out to you, my beautiful (inside & out) sister...yet another thing we have in common. I sometime think I've "moved on" from the anger and hurt, but then there's a trigger and I'm in shambles. Sometimes life-changing shambles.
I can't remember when I last slept well.
I just keep praying.
Love you.

Anonymous said...

Painfully true, I couldn't listen to the court trials. I was sick, & empty. I am angry too! This sickness needs to be arrested, so people can live freely. I too have been where you are. God help our nation see the sick truth of these sex fiends. I'm thankful that the molester is dead & cannot hurt anyone else, but I still feel the pain, fear, sleeplessness,anger, & loathing all over again. Me too, praying for us all.

Unknown said...

I'm just so sick and tired of being sick and tired. 😕

Unknown said...

Thank you for this!!! Validates how I have been feeling as of late, thought I might be crazy! Happy to know I'm not the only one!!! Love and light to you sister, we will rise above the flames!!!!

Unknown said...

I am old too! And had over 46 years of abuse. But the number doesn't mean anything to me personally. I did learn to speak up and never shut up! No one will be here for you except you! That is what I do know. I wanted to say that I use the rage by transforming it in useful ways for myself and my immediate environment. Rage won't stop another persons behavior. We can't control others. Only how we respond. Our response it our outlet! Yes, I have screamed and cried in a primal rage to release the years of abuse . . . All the abuse! If I hadn't done this I would have done something very negative, which is NOT who I am. I don't trust others, I rely on myself so that I won't fall prey to anyone. I read an article once that convinced me that to see myself as the victim was to see myself as the prey. So I reversed the prey to predator. Not actively but in my thoughts so that I can survive reality. Yes, my PTSD has always been with me! And I have been told by professionals that I control my reactions. Reactionary behaviors make me vulnerable. Which is something I don't want, ever! To hash out the rage is the best way to wash the dirt from our souls. It is healthy when done with this in mind. Cleanse . . . talk . . . and beat that dead horse until you feel that you can look at yourself and know who you ARE again! The reactionary parts of us with PTSD won't ever go away, it's a part of who we are . . . So I'll take the scars, inside and out, and know I am enough! I say to women all the time this one sentence: "YOU ARE the ONE YOU have been waiting for!" It takes them a while to get this into their heads. A mantra for me that works when I feel like I am not whole. Ending this rant, Love to you All, Sista's

JoAnn ( Scene Through My Eyes) said...

So well said - you speak for so many of us. And please - don't let anyone tell you to use the anger for good - to take the anger and turn it around and make changes. Sometimes that feels to me the same as saying "well, it happened to you so you must make something good of it. There is NOTHING good of it - and feeling the anger is not good for any of us - but it is a truth and it is our reality. The answer is different for each of us - and I do feel that the community of women that is coming out of this will make for changes that we can't even imagine. Alongside the good men who stand with us and encourage us and keep us safe, we can form this community and make a difference.
I often find that I am incoherent with rage from the way we have been treated - the way we have been ignored and put down - I do hear your broken heart and I hope you find the soothing you need to deal with all this - I hope we all do.

Hope said...

I had a flashback while I was driving last week. 38 years after the fact. I felt so fucking angry while I sat in a parking lot waiting for someone to come get me because I couldn't drive. I feel totally off kilter now. So much so that I am pretty sure I will need to take time off work. Hugs to you.

Vera said...

I am 71 years old, and I have had a patch of being angry. I have never been raped, except in the marriage bed when I just let it happen because it was easier than having him hit me, but I have been fondled.......hand down my blouse by a church warden when I was 13, two episodes of men grabbing me when I was out in public, etc........just minor things but I never told anyone, just swallowed the upset.
So I do not know why I have become angry recently about the way our bodies are generally abused by men, and why mine has been in the past. Even my husband's attitude to me, and we have a good marriage and I would not want to be without him in my life, even his attitude can sometimes reflect the general disrespect that the male population has for the female form.
It has always been like this, one way or another, I think.
This was a good read, and made me think, and also made me put into words the fact that the abuse to my self that I had experienced in the past did upset me although I did not voice this at the time they happened. Thank you.