Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Really? 12 days later...

 I could blame it on the cold. God knows, it's been a relatively brutal winter here.

OR...I could blame it on the madness in the world, or the solar flares, or the complete and total lack of hormones in my system.

 Or...I could just get over myself and chalk it all up to the dreadful deficiencies of my character. I have been annoyed. I have been impatient. I have been unforgiving and critical and nasty-mouthed. 

  And it has made me miserable.  So, yesterday, I decided it was time to snap out of it and get back on the carousel that is my life. And here I am.

  I have been reading a great book by Margaret Atwood called The Year of the Flood. I love her work and this one is no exception. I also am reading  The Lincoln Lawyer, which they have just made a movie from, starring Matthew McConnaghey (sp??). On top of that...I have just received some books I ordered, by a woman named Jan Phillips, one called Marry Your Muse and the other titled Divining the Body. And then of course at the local Goodwill, I found several books...among them one called Accordian Crimes, by Annie Proulx who also wrote The Shipping News. So...I have plenty to read and keep me occupied for a while.

  In the meantime, the seed catalogs keep pouring in and my dreams are of grand gardens and abundant food. The big blizzard knocked part of a tree down in the backyard, smashing one of my trellises that didn't get taken down last fall. Once all this snow melts and the ground finally dries up, we are going to have a lot of work ahead of us. There are lots and lots of downed branches and tree limbs all over the place.

  I have decided to reclaim my little  studio apartment for my own studio again. We rented it out twice in the past 2 years, and I hated having people back there. The Irishman and I have agreed that unless we become destitute and absolutely HAVE to have the money, we will not rent it out again. So...I need to get back there and clean and paint...and definitely smudge the room with sage. And then I will make it my own again. I'm really looking forward to it. 

  I have an early appointment tomorrow so I need to get to bed. It's midnight already...sigh....there don't seem to be enough hours in the day anymore. Is this part of the aging process?????]


Friday, February 4, 2011

The 3 F's...(Friday February Fourth)...

 It's already been a long winter.  I have been snowed in here at the house since Sunday and will be venturing out today for the first time.  It has been heavenly. The opportunity to cook more and lounge around and actually eat meals with my husband for a change...divine! 

  This was the beginning of a storm that dumped about 3/4 of an inch of ice and a foot of snow. The winds were terrible, drifting the snow as much as 5 feet in places. It was beautiful though. There's something about the black and white beauty of the ice in winter that has always mesmerized me.

 This is my peach tree in the front yard. In honor of it's courage, I baked a peach pie with fruit from the freezer. Yum! The second round of it was not as bad. And now there's another one coming in Sunday or Monday, I guess. We are all set, though I may go buy some more utility candles today.  We only lost power for about an hour on one day, miraculously enough. The Irishman says it's because they had to put in so much new stuff the past few years.

This is one of my favorites of the pictures I have taken the past few days. Love the lighting...And of course, the eerie beauty of new fallen snow.


   I'm back o schedule starting today. After having put in a month of 8 hour / 7 days a week...I was ready for a break. Now the break is over. I haven't really accomplished much around the house like I thought I would. lol  But my brains feel better.

  Haven't been blogging or writing or doing much of anything lately. No inspiration or motivation or something. Don;'t like the way I'm feeling mostly, but haven't been hurting enough to do anything about it.  Unfortunately, that's how it often is with people like me. Feeling rather fed up with some things in my life, I have withdrawn and isolated  to the point of almost complete inactivity. Of course, I'm talking about AA..the fellowship, not the program itself. I realized last night the worst part of it all for me is that I have always been so in love with it all,  and now it seems that is gone. Maybe I am just growing up.  Maybe I've just finally come off that pink cloud after 20 years sober. Whatever it is, I am grieving the loss of it. A couple of people have tried to tritely tell me that I need to work on my resentment, but it isn't that at all. And I am sick of having shit parroted at me from the rooms. (That does sound a little resentful...but it's really worse than a resentment. It's a LOSS.)  At any rate, I am not worried about drinking, or killing myself or any other of the myriad things we could do to ourselves.  I just want to get to the other side of this, because frankly, it isn't fun.  If the landscape of my sobriety is going to change, and I'm pretty sure it is,  I'm ready for it to HURRY THE HELL UP.  lol  I have not darkened the doors of AA since last September, except for the uncomfortable hour I spent in a room for the Irishman's 30th  back in October.  I think he is a little concerned about me. Interestingly enough, the tables have turned and he is now up to his armpits in service work. He hadn't done anything for years. lol  There was quite a while when he didn't even go to meetings. So maybe this is all a part of what happens and I will be in a different place about it all soon.  Or not.  I am taking it ODAAT, and curious to see where this is all going. Even though I'm uncomfortable enough to be moved to tears from time to time, and sad...I'm still wading through the emotions behind all this.

   Quote for the day:

  "...any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out."  ~~Chekhov