Sunday, March 27, 2016
Sometimes...for some people...quiet moments can be hard to find. Even out here on Honeysuckle Hill there is noise. Hunters shooting guns in the distance, 4 wheelers screaming down the road. Dogs barking. Coyotes howling. Owls calling across the pastures for their mates. Not all the noise is bad. And most of it is not all the time, sometimes even rarely. And sometimes I react differently than other times.
I can always tell when I am out of balance. My reactions are way over the top. Little things make me big crazy. I am restless and irritable. I am discontent. My brain goes into overdrive and I cannot think clearly, sleep well or pray or meditate. Nothing suits me. People aggravate me. Everything is extreme.
I am a recovering alcoholic. You may or may not know this. You may or may not care. One thing I have learned in my years on this planet is that NO one thinks as much about me as I do. I have a sign on my fridge that says: " I may not be much, but I'm all I think about." And another next to it that is a Maxine cartoon that says "Don't believe everything you think." That about sums it up. Being an alcoholic or an addict...recovered or not...is very much about being a person of extremes. Top of the world or a waste of space. Genius or idiot. Super model or troll. There are no in-betweens for us. Learning to live in the world without the aid of substances that make living bearable for us is a long sometimes excruciating business that never ends. I say that only so that you will understand that I will never be free of the disease of alcoholism and that, because the world never stops changing, I am on a life long journey of figuring out how to stay one step ahead of the sense I have that says that I will never be okay. And some days, I am okay. And other days, I am on the lookout for the loony wagon.
Before you start thinking that it's all hopeless and that you feel sorry for me, you should know that I am living a life beyond anything I ever imagined possible. I am married to a really great guy and have a perfectly suitable house and a place for gardens. I have a Honda with 209,456 miles on it that still runs like a champ. I have animals and family and friends. Because I am disabled since 2001 when I was in an industrial accident, I have lots of time to do things I always wanted to do but never could because I was on that merry go round of work work work that left me exhausted and stressed and too depleted for anything but sleeping and eating and working some more. Which I had to do because we had a mortgage and 2 new cars and blah blah blah. And I know lots of people who live that life. It's kind of the norm. So when I was crushed by this big machine which tore me all up and made it impossible for me to ever work in any kind of work environment (for reasons which I will spare you--tmi) it turned out that the worst thing that had ever happened to me became the best thing that ever happened to me. I had time for creative things like music and art and writing and gardening. I had time for friends. And when the lawsuit over it all got knocked from quite a bit of money to very little money (because the workers comp. insurance company declared bankruptcy)...that turned out to be a blessing as well. Maybe.
Experiences which humble us change us. As much as most of us dislike change, it is good. The world changes, people change. Change is growth. Learning to adapt is evolution. Loving the journey- that is joy. That is hope. Living long enough to see the changes in yourself is something else. I don't always see them. More like short flashes of something that later on make sense.
I am doing a 21 day meditation exercise right now. It's an Oprah and Deepak Chopra series on Shedding the Weight. Physical, mental and spiritual. It's about balance. It came just when I needed it, as these things are wont to do. I've done several of the ones they've offered over the past few years and I have always come away with good stuff. Today was day 7 of this one, so it's only just begun. I am feeling the centering that regular meditation always gives me. I am realizing once again that I have a very bad habit of not doing things that I know are good for me. Things that I KNOW make me a better person, woman, friend. Things that I KNOW enrich my life and make it easier for me to live in the world.
Old dogs. New tricks. sigh...It's after 1 AM and I need to be asleep. I walked about a quarter mile today as part of my knee rehab program and it went pretty well. I did take a nap this afternoon late and that's why I'm still up. Spring is in the air here finally...thank goodness. I am ready.