The Time has come, the walrus said....

.........To talk of many things--of shoes-- and ships-- and sealing wax and cabbages and kings. Of why the seas are boiling hot -- and whether pigs have wings.

  I woke up in a melancholy state this morning. Not sure what triggered it, except that I am hurting again today and railing against the confines of a 71 year old body that has been rode hard and put away wet. (So what did I expect to happen by now ?)  Sigh... perhaps it was the memories of my dad this past Memorial Day weekend. Perhaps it was just time, in a Universe I neither understand or control.  It started out with a crying jag, just some sobbing really. And feelings of pain and loss and abandonment and being tossed aside by people in my life. And it has washed over me randomly throughout this morning. 

 Yuck. Almost 34 years sober and I still don't cope well with my emotions. Maybe that's part of it. (Cell memory)  Almost 2 weeks to my sober anniversary. I haven't gotten too squirrely the last few years around this, but I certainly did in the past.  And maybe it's a culmination of things. Feeling thrown away by 2 women in my life. Closing doors and all that... new ones have opened as well and that is always good.  But it doesn't change the loss of friendships.  And I don't know that I should mourn these losses... or even want to.  I want to trust that [eventually] all things happen for the best. I want to believe that my Soul Journey knows exactly where it's headed and why. I want to believe that everything is not about me, that perhaps my part has just been a catalyst in someone else's journey and now my part is done.  I can live with that.  But the old childhood traumas are etched deep in my psyche. And sometimes they interfere with my growth as a spiritual being. 

  So.  Life continues happening around here.  lol  Not quite halfway through the chemo treatments, himself became deathly ill from a build up of the toxic drugs. He apparently has a deficiency in a particular enzyme (DPD).  This enzyme binds to and carries certain toxic chemo drugs out of the system. So his just built up until he was so dehydrated and starving and toxic he almost died. He couldn't eat. He lost 40 lbs in about 2 months.  He was hospitalized for over a week.  IV fluids 24/7, added potassium and other nutrients by IV.  It was very scary. They stopped all treatments and he got better.  Tomorrow we have a surgical consult. An MRI showed that the radiation and what chemo he had shrunk the tunmor markedly, so they're going to remove it.  Then we see.  Last week he went back to work part time.  lol  You wouldn't know anything was going on to look at him.  He's still more tired than usual, but has been working at building up his muscles and stamina.  It's been a rollercoaster, to say the least.

  Well, I cried through some of this writing. Sheesh. I used to be a tough old broad.  I don't know what happened.  lol  (Just kidding.  I know exactly what happened.)  Guess I'm going to have to make a dr appt and see about some pain management. This hip pain is not receding and it's been more than 3 days now.  Sigh... getting old ain't for sissies...