On a scale of 1 to 409,756,960....

  It's been a pretty good day. Remembering to stop and breathe...to understand that only a very few things are really that important anyway...and to mindfully take the day one bit at a time.  I had plans, of a sort, for the day, and not a single one of them worked out.  So, I took a breath and did something else. 

 I heard a wise woman say once that ..."if I start hitting roadblocks, then I change where I'm going."  It is a lot easier to do that than to get my knickers in a twist and be angry or resentful or frustrated.  Keeps the blood pressure down and keeps the song in my heart. Flexible.  That's the key...and keeping gratitude at the forefront of my mind helps me to remember that it's all a gift anyway.

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   The first part of the day was incredibly beautiful--sunny, 65 degrees when I woke up, blue skies. I absolutely reveled in it.  By late afternoon, the skies were getting dark and the wind was picking up and the clouds started rolling in.  There was thunder and lightning and not a lot of rain. Yet.  lol  It was so warm that when Roxie and I went in search of pine shavings for bedding for the chicks, I had to put the cars AC on. We went to 3 different places and found only cedar, which won't work. It's too strong for the babies...And since we were there, we went ahead and got the oil changed in the car and new windshield wipers put on. All ready for the big trip on Saturday.  I stopped and picked up a few groceries too and then we came home.

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  I have a big stockpot of vegetable tailings simmering away on the stove...been saving them in ziplock bags for making soup stock. I'll can it tomorrow, maybe. Although I'm thinking of freezing this batch.  So the house smells like cabbage and onions, lol, since there's a lot of cruciferous  vegetables being eaten around here lately.  Pat came in from work and said "Mmmm...what's cooking?"  lol

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  I didn't cook anything or bake anything today. I did make egg salad from the eggs I boiled yesterday. My lunch was a bit of leftover salad with an egg salad sandwich made on a whole wheat bagel.  It was really good and really satisfying.  The Irishman went off tonight to the shindig at the Jacoby Arts Center and I stayed at home. For supper I had a big soup bowl full of sauteed onion, Chinese cabbage and spinach with salt and pepper and a cup of leftover steamed vegetables on top. It was awesome.  

  Tomorrow I will sit with my neighbor's husband for about 4 hours so she can get away and have lunch with her friends. Then I'll come home and figure out what we're going to do for date night...usually dinner out and a movie. Then I' up early on Saturday morning to go pick up my cousin and my youngest sister and the three of us will take a trip to southern Missouri to meet (for the first time) my paternal grandfather's brother's family.  It's about 3 and a half hours from here.  We've chatted online, but none of us have ever met...

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  I need to get the flyer made for our family reunion in June and get that out. I want top get it made so that we can take some down to Missouri with us and hopefully some of these folks can come to the reunion and meet more of us crazy Morss'... Exciting stuff. 

   I have the day use site all reserved and paid for, so that's a done deal. I do this every year for the last too many and I think it's time somebody else took over. I'm putting it up for discussion at the Sunday noon meal at the reunion.  

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  Thinking today about all the things in my life I have to be grateful for... it's funny how we go through our lives and never even look around...only focusing on how bad we've got it, or how good we've got it..and not realizing that somewhere in the  middle is where all the good stuff is...in the days where we get a respite from pain, or from poverty or from tedium.  In the moments when someone calls and says "I've had you on my mind"...and we suddenly don't feel so lonely anymore.  Those times when we get to do something for someone else, even if it's just make them smile, or feel cared about, or fed.  I know people who don't feel like they matter, who think they are a waste of space.  I know people who are the opposite--who have SUCH high opinions of themselves that they set themselves apart from the rest and become lonely beyond comprehension.  

 There was a guy in the grocery store parking lot today that triggered some of this. He was sitting off to the edge of the lot, in a beat up old car that had definitely seen better days. When I was driving by, he had his head on the steering wheel, shoulders slumped and looked just..hopeless.  I circled around to see if he was okay, when I saw a woman and a little girl coming through the lot towards him. The mother had one small grocery bag in her hands and the little girl was skipping alongside as they made their way to the car. They got to the door the same time I pulled into the parking space beside them. At first they didn't notice me, and he was smiling as the little girl climbed in to the front seat with him. Then the little girl waved and I waved back...and rolled down my window and said "How are you guys today?"   The little girl excitedly said "We got bananas!!! "  I laughed and said "I got bananas too!"   He started the car and I watched them drive across the street to the little park.  I sat there thinking..I've sure been there. And once again, I was gobsmacked by a gratefulness so strong that it nearly knocked me over.  There isn't nearly as much gratitude in my daily life as there should be. Not nearly.  

   We don't have a lot, but we have everything we need.  We have a roof over our heads and two cars and enough food to keep us fed.  We have enough money to pay our bills and then some. And we have family and pets and books and computers and the list just goes on and on.  And like the little family in the beat up old car...we have love. And that, my friends, is one of the most precious commodities on this planet.

Namaste.

Saturday song

Blazing hot here today. I've been outside off and on...sweeping decks and burning papers and feeding chickens. But mostly I am inside. The heat index is horrific, like 105. I have done some housecleaning and pulled the stove out and cleaned it and behind and under it..one of those ugly jobs, since I rarely do it more than once a year. I am taking a break and cooling down after sweeping the front porch, and when I am done, I will take a shower.

  Did I say a COLD shower? Well, I meant to. The Irishman took the hot water plumbing apart yesterday to run hot water to the sink in the apartment and still has not finished it. Ran into problems (don't you always?) and had to leave it to go to my birthday celebration last night. This morning he was up and off to his usual Saturday regime and here we sit with still no hot water. At least there is running cold water....sigh....it will not get fixed tonight. We have to be somewhere at 5:30 and it's half an hour or more away. so by the time he gets back here and showers (in COLD water, complaining the whole time) it will be time to leave.

  I took some more garden pictures, just to compare. (lol)  I know you're all dying to see more (snicker) so here we go.  And (((Mary)))  I would love to exchange seeds with you. What do you have in mind???

  Cabbages mid May.

Cabbages late June

Peppers, mid May

Peppers, late June

Butternut Squash, mid May

Butternut squash, late June

  Okay, enough. You get the picture.   I'm off to the shower...brrrrr......lol

Namaste.

A beautiful Saturday...

  Today I woke up to a brilliantly sunny day, a husband kissing me and saying Happy Anniversary, sweetheart, and kittens yowling and howling and wanting their breakfast. Spoiled little buggers...

 On June 10, 1990 I had the last drink of my career. There's always a question of how us crazy alcoholics count these birthdays, but where I got sober, the emphasis was on celebrating the last drink you will ever have to take. And that's the way I do it.  I am grateful to know that I have a life that is possible only because I got willing to go to any lengths to stay sober.  And I continue to live that way and to always remember.  If they had told me to stand on my head on a streetcorner and spit nickels, I would have figured out a way, lol.

  So, today I celebrate 20 years of continuous sobriety.  20 years of doing a few simple things, one day at a time. 20 years of trusting that God has a plan for my life, whether I can see it or not.  20 years of learning to do everything a different way,  from cooking a turkey on Thanksgiving to calling a total stranger and talking about my fears.  From learning how to be honest with myself, to learning how to be honest with you.  From learning how to trust to learning how to be trusted.

  It's been a miraculous journey, for a woman who could not quit drinking on her own. I am grateful and humbled by the whole thing...the people in my family usually just drink until they die. I am the first to break the chain, and find a new way to live.  As a result of that, I have a son with 10 years of sobriety, because he watched his hopeless drunk of a mom find this new life in Alcoholics Anonymous.  And the miracle continues...

  Today we had a small celebration bbq at the home of a friend. Then we watched as friends renewed their wedding vows. Now we are home and settled in for the evening. Tomorrow is another birthday to celebrate, a very kind and wonderful man celebrating 36 years of recovery. Then another bbq at a friends house.  A full weekend here on the Prairie.

  Feeling really blessed tonight...

Namaste.

A Marvelous Monday

 

This has been  an absolutely perfect day.

I got up this morning and straightened the house, vacuumed...you know. Then I sat out on the back deck and listened to the birds.  I messed with the mower a bit, put some fuel additive in the tank and finally got 'er cranked up. I mowed the front and side yards, and that was about all I could manage. lol  The back isn't quite ready for mowing, but the front and side had big clumps of grass that I couldn't afford to let get much higher. This is a direct result of the way I have bought grass seed and sowed it every year since we moved here. Into the bare spots. When we bought this place 5 years ago, the place was a junkyard...they had cars parked everywhere, piles of half burned linoleum and carpet (partially buried), and it was all ruts and yuck. I have turned it into my own little paradise with a lot of hard work. And so far, it hasn't stopped...lol  Anyway, it looks much neater out front and I'm glad I did it.

Then I made myself a meatloaf sandwich and sliced a juicy red tomato and sat down outside and had lunch.

The I got busy planting the peas.It was easy--I had done all the hard parts of it yesterday and today I only had to rake it a little and plant the seed. 2-3 inches deep and 18 inches apart (the rows).  Good thing too....it was 82 degrees today.  Sweat city. As soon as I finished that, I hit the shower. 

I love gardening. I love the miracles of putting a seed in the ground and knowing that a plant will appear. I read somewhere that this is Faith. Perhaps it is.  I feel such a kinship with the earth every year when I plant. Growing my own food always feels like such an accomplishment.

The Jack Russell Terrorist (Molly) has appointed herself Guardian of the Wee Ones.  The 2 momma cats are leaving the kittens for longer and longer periods of time, and as soon as the little beggars start squealing, herself runs in to make sure everyone is alright. They sound like little piggies. lol  Today when the bigger ones started cruising the floor looking for their momma, she came in and gently nudged them back into their little hidey hole. They don't seem to be the least bit afraid of the dog either, and move right up to her and nuzzle her leg or her snout if she's sitting down. It's quite adorable. (I guess they haven't heard the stories about Miss Molly the Poodle mauler...)

  I am good and physically tired....the kind of tired you get from manual labor.  Thinking I'll reward myself with a short meditation time and then my big comfy bed, next to my big snuggly husband.

  Life is good.

Namaste.

Pax, Ashtee, Shanti, Mtendere,Shalom

 

   " We will comprehend the word, serenity, and we will know peace." pg83, BB

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I think a lot about the nature of serenity and peace in my life.  In the 60's and early 70's, I was all about peace signs and peace and love and the end of the war in VietNam. In the 80's the only peace I could find in my life was at the bottom of a bottle. In 1989, the Universe conspired to land me in a holding cell one night in early  November. I had been arrested for drunk driving and blew a .29 on the Richter scale.  lol  It felt like the Richter...Nothing in my life was ever the same after that.  Between the arrest and the preliminary hearing, I collapsed at work and was taken to the hospital, where I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. The ensuing months of surgery and treatment kept me out of court until May of 1990.  When I finally got there, the judge looked down at me and said that I was a lucky girl, and that he was going to save my life. He sentenced me to 10 AA meetings and fined me out the wazoo.  I was outraged.   My lawyer kept hissing at me to "shut up."   I didn't think he could make me go to AA....I said as much.  He looked at me again over those little glasses settling down his nose and said something to the effect that he could do anything he wanted...and that was that.  Powerless?  Looked like it.  lol

 I spent a lot of my life being filled with rage. rage at the way my life was. Rage at all the things I never got to do.  Rage at how unfair the world had been  to me.  Rage (unbeknownst to me) at the fact that I never got to be a kid after I was about 5 years old.  It was like I had this big soup pot setting on the back burner, simmering away. And it didn't take much at all, ever, to ratchet that burner up enough to send me into a boiling furious firestorm. I had anger issues long before it was  a labeled issue, lol.  I was hateful and spiteful and miserable for a long time.  Booze and drugs were the only thing that ever helped make my life manageable. To shut off the noise, turn down the fire, calm the storms.

  I only talk about this tonight, because I want to remember how little peace I had in my life. I seemed to have 2 speeds.  Furious and unconscious.

After I was around the rooms for a while (ok- a long while) I started learning to identify my feelings and pull things out of my head and look at them honestly.  I started to learn that I did not have to be at the mercy of my rage.  I found out that there were people in the world who understood how it was to be me...they had the same problems I had and they had found solutions to those problems. I started to have some hope that maybe, just maybe, this could work for me as well. By the time I was 5 years away from my last drink, I realized that the anger was dissipating and that I was having moments of peacefulness in my days.

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I am filled with gratitude that I have learned to pray and meditate, to be open to the wonders of the world. I feel an inner peace just looking at the wild geese on my pond, and knowing that their Creator and my Creator are one and the same.  I have many moments of peace and serenity throughout my day, no matter where I am or what I'm doing.  Peace is the rule rather than the exception for me today.

At church we sing, Let there be Peace on Earth, and let it begin with me....

It does begin with me today.  And I am forever grateful for that.

Namaste.

Saturday January 9, 2010

The Snowbringer. I swiped her from somewhere that evades me just now, because I thought she was so incredibly beautiful.

The mercury is registering ZERO degrees right now. It will get colder still before daylight. A friend of mine in Floriduh sent out a picture of a snowman she built yesterday. This is some crazy shit, dude. Today there was a 6.5 magnitude earthquake off the coast of my old stomping grounds. They are saying that there are some gas, sewer and water leaks, some traffic lights came down, minor injuries from breaking glass, but all in all...no major damage.I have to admit...I kinda miss earthquakes.


Heading south tomorrow to my brothers for my nieces 7th birthday party. Hard to believe--seems like she was just a baby, waiting to come home from the hospital. She had to stay a while, becasue she was a 7 month preemie and had lots of problems. BUt today she is a little hellraiser and constantly on the go. She had to have a lot of operations so she could walk, and the Shriners Hospital in St Louis were such a blessing to my family. It's one charity I never fail to support...they work miracles for families and children. Today she's one of the healthiest kids I know. (Thank you, God.)


Trying to get to bed early tonight, so I'm cutting this a little short. We watched 2 movies tonight, first Silence of the Lambs and then Hannibal. Had some wonderful Spaghetti and garlic bread for supper. A low key stay at home kind of Saturday. Nice..........


Grateful tonight to be sober and happy. Grateful that all my needs are met and all my wants are few. Grateful that I have a nice warm house to live in and that I have plenty of food to eat. That I can read and write and watch 2 movies in 1 night if I want to. That I have family who never turned their backs on me at any time during my alcoholism, even though they probably should have. That I have grandkids who have never seen me drunk.


That I can go to sleep, and wake up in the morning ready to face a new day, and be grateful for everything that comes.


Blessings and sweet dreams to all y'all....


Namaste.

Friday January 8, 2010

OOPs...forgot to take the birdbath down. Good thing it's about 200 pounds of concrete.


It snowed a good part of the day today, and even better than that, the winds kicked up and blew all the snow out of the fields and across our road. So, the road we drove home on was 10x more treacherous than the one we'd driven out on earlier in the morning. It aided in the decision to just stay in tonight. So, we both skipped our usual Friday night meetings.

This morning we left with all intentions of buying me a set of French Bread pans at the restaurant supply store, or at the Chef's store. Then we were getting some groceries and stopping for some lunch before coming back to the ranch. Luckily, I called the supply place first to make sure they were open. They were and the guy that answered the phone said he had never heard of French bread pans, and so was sure they didn't carry them. (???) Alrighty, then. The Chef's Store, on the other hand, carries them but are currently out (big Christmas item, apparently). We wandered around the store which is beautiful and ridiculously over-priced on every single item they carry (because they are a CHEF'S STORE). *snork The pans are my birthday present from husbandman. So he was all hung up on buying me something from this store, and I practically had to have him sedated and removed from the premises. I'm sorry, but I just cannot allow that. I think the only thing I have EVER bought from one of those stores was my brulee torch, and only because I couldn't find one anywhere else. I asked the store person how much the pans were, and she went into a big elaborate explanation of how they are Chicago blah,blah,blah...only the very best perforated nonstick pans, blah blah blah. I told her she could stop right there, because I wasn't buying anything nonstick, but thanks. She hollered after me as I left..."$32.95...they're only $32.95!!!!!"


Anyway, then we left and went to our favorite little Chinese place, The Orient, for lunch. We had a soup-for-two called Special Soup or something...it was marvelous. A rich broth with scallops, shrimp, crab, mushrooms, carrots and onions. We had a small order of fried dumplings. And we ordered the Seafood and Tofu Pot...a delightful covered dish of dark Hunan sauce full of chunks of braised tofu, crab, shrimp and scallops, and of course, steamed rice. We ate almost all of it...it was heavenly.

We came home and I went online and found exactly the pan I was looking for, Italian Bread Pan...for NINE dollars. Yup, nine dollars. plus shipping of course, which brought it up to about 15 dollars. So I am very happy, needless to say.


I grilled chicken breasts on my little Hamilton Beach grill (like a Foreman, only cheaper). I marinated them in an Italian dressing, in honor of the bread pans, and served them over a beautiful Caesar salad, with artichoke hearts and grilled onions on the side. Food fit for a king (of my heart).

We watched a movie tonight called "Things We Lost in The Fire" with Halle Berry and Benecio del Toro. It was a big time tear jerker and a beautiful love story. If you've not seen it, DO.

It's past time for me to be in bed. I have been f-ing around with Shelfari for an hour or more. I am so grateful for the miracle of love and of sobriety in my life. I am so grateful that I can read and am in a position to own books and get books. I am so blessed to be loved by a wonderful man who would walk through fire for me.

(See--when I am overly tired, I get all mushy about things like love...) lol.

It's 7 degrees with a minus 5 wind chill factor right now. I'm gonna go climb in that big bed, under that wonderful quilt and lay as close to my sweetheart as I can manage. And say a prayer for him and his happiness and his health and his welfare. I cannot imagine my life without him in it.



Namaste.

The Last Day of August, 2009

Oh, my.....just LOOK at all that water. Know where else you can find water?....In EVERY SINGLE FAUCET IN MY HOUSE!!!!! And the toilets. Oh my....it has happened. The city water is at my house as of about 6:30 this evening. And by "at my house" I mean every pipe is in the ground, every trench dug and covered, and water is flowing like manna from heaven RIGHT INTO MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!


Am I excited? (Oh yeah, you betcha). Finally, finally. Tonight I did the dishes, singing the whole time. It was so much less work than it has been that I actually enjoyed it. Paddy O'Kelley took a long hot shower after work. I filled dog and cat dishes. I washed my hands A LOT. I'm going to take a long hot shower too.

It wasn't that long ago in this country that showers and baths stopped being considered such a luxury. Now we take it all for granted.

As you can imagine, I am feeling particularly grateful today. I am blessed to be sober and alive. I am blessed to be blessed, and to KNOW that I am blessed.

I had a wonderful time at the Saturday night bbq and meeting up on the tip top of Pere Marquette State Park. It is incredibly beautiful up there, and was even more so this year. There lots of new "friends of Bill" to meet from across the river, one very nice couple from up Springfield way. When I got there, someone hollered "THERE she is!!!!" and I felt like the prom queen, lol. I was wearing my Expect A Miracle t-shirt too, just in case, lol It felt good to be there and see some people I don't get to see real often. The meeting topic was on humility, which seemed to fit perfectly. Lots of lovely honest shares, and it was good.

Sunday was a bit of a laid back day, after the morning meeting. We came home and just lay around reading and puttering. Very restful, just the way it should be. I was asked to come tell my story at an Alanon meeting, so I did. It was good.

One of the girls I sponsor drank again. It breaks my heart to watch her. She is so arrogant and so sure she is "strong" and in control. And there's no talking to her...she bobs her head up and down, I know, I know...until I want to scream. People die from this stuff. It's not a joke, and it's not a game. I want to shake some sense into her....and yet I know that all I can do is keep the doors open so that when she finally is finished (if she lives) she can walk again into the sunlight of the Spirit. So I go sit in the quiet and ask for some guidance about what to say to her this time. And once again, I am so grateful to be me with my life and my troubles and my blessings.

Here are the 12 steps, in plain English:

1. Alcohol will kill me.
2. There's a power that wants me to live.
3. Do I want to live or die? (If you want to die, stop here.)
4. Write about how I got where I am.
5. Tell another person all about me (Let God listen).
6. Want to change.
7. Ask a power greater than me to help me change.
8. Write down who I hurt.
9. Fix what I can without hurting anyone else.
10. Accept that I'm human and will screw up. Fix it immediately.
11. Ask a power greater than me to show me how to live.
12. Keep doing 1-11...and pass it on.


Blessed Be!!!!

Monday is the One day...

The beautiful pipe organ at the St. Louis cathedral in New Orleans...
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I was thinking today of how blessed I am that I finally got to New Orleans. AND that I beat Katrina there. We were on our way back from Texas/Mexico in February of 2005 and took a day trip through on our way back to North Carolina. We rode one of the horse and carriage tours and that was alot of fun. We walked through parts of the French Quarter, and I remember thinking that I was kinda glad I never made it here at Mardis Gras. lol It was one of those mecca things that all drunks talk about doing, and I talked with the best of them, but never actually made it there. I would have either died there, or moved there. lol

Just finished cleaning up the kitchen. Lunch is made, his breakfast is made, and I am ready to put my feet up. I made a supper of pork steaks with red potatoes and steamed asparagus. Simple, but filling. I'm reading a mystery/thriller (Secret Prey) by John Sandford, and spent a lot today with my feet up and a glass of iced Earl Grey tea. As I am finishing up the book (about 2/3 of the way through it), I am thinking I've read it before. Doesn't matter- it's good and I'll probably finish it tonight. Then I'll be starting Duma Key by Stephen King. Sent to me by a friend,though I'm not a big voracious King reader, everything of his I have read I have enjoyed. Not sure why I don't read him more....curious.

I sat out in the yard this afternoon and thought about all the reasons I'm grateful to be living in this little ramshackle place with no running water. I looked at the flowers and the trees, and felt the clean cool breeze on my face. I listened for road noise, and there wasn't any. I listened for birdsong, and there was lots. My big wind chime (a birthday gift from one of my dearest friends) which is tuned to the key of D was playing a beautifully haunting melody in the front part of the house, and the sounds of it carried around the corners and over the roof of the house, and spilled over into the treetops. The chickens were scratching in the dirt and cluck-cluck-clucking softly. It was a symphony pulled together by the leaves of the trees gently playing their own percussion, tickled by the breeze. I thought about people who have never lived anywhere but cities and in apartments. Who would never know the love song that plays out here. Who had no idea what they were missing. lol

And then I was reminded of a song by Sweet Honey In The Rock, about "There were no mirrors in my nana's house...." and it talks about the sounds and smells of city/apartment life. And how..." the beauty of everything...was in her eyes...." It is one of the most beautiful songs by some of the most beautiful women I have ever known. If you aren't familiar with them, a great place to start is their cd Still On The Journey. Their music is almost all a capella, accompanied by some hand claps and such. Absolutely Amazing.

So I guess really, it's all relative. Whether you live in the city or the country, in Africa or America...in a tenement or a mobile home or a farmhouse. Beauty lies within us. We only have to look within, and the journey will be short.

I am grateful to have a grateful heart. I am blessed to be blessed.

I am grateful to have a spirit which sometimes sings.


Namaste.

Mothers Day Sunday

Today I watched in fascination as people who were out and about celebrated a day set aside to honor their moms. There were little girls all dressed up carrying presents with ribbons streaming. There were young men standing in line buying hanging baskets full of colorful petunias and begonias and all sort and sundry flower combinations. There were young girls with babies on their hips, obviously enjoying their very first holiday. The restaurants were all filled to capacity.

All this for the women who gave us life. Who attended to our every need and whim for a whole lot of years. Who [hopefully] guided us and taught us and encouraged us. Seems like a small payment in return for a lifetime of service. lol

I have cried through a lot of Mothers Days in my time...either because of the situation with my own son or because of the loss of my own mother. It's one of those holidays that for me was always a double edged sword.

The past decade or so has seen a big change in my Mothers day, although it's surely never been as bad as I seem to remember. Mostly me, getting carried away in an emotional typhoon...

I'm blessed today to have a relationship with that son. A good relationship. And never mind that I don't get to see him as often as I would like...the time we do spend together is quality time, and I am seriously grateful for that. And I know I have AA to thank for it.

I'm blessed to have made peace with and forgiven my long dead alcoholic mother. Again--I have AA to thank for that.

I'm blessed to have a husband of 17 years who said to me one Mothers day, way back...I wish you were the mother of my children. (He has none). A husband who said to me a couple of days ago, Do I need to call your son and remind him it's MD ? I met this boy in an AA meeting and fell instantly head over heels in love with him. No wonder....

I realize that every thing good in my life is thanks to this blueprint for living we get in this Alcoholics Anonymous program. I thank my Creator and I thank you, all the members of these 12 Step Groups everywhere, for teaching me that I was lovable, and that I could repair the relationships in my life, and that I never had to live like that ever again...If I didn't want to. You truly loved me until I could love myself, and you took this drunk by the hand and walked her through her life, saying "If you want what we have, then do what we did." And by that grace that saves us all, I haven't had to pour booze into this hole in my face for a really long time.

Thank you for my life.


Namaste.

Friday is Fabulous!

While the rest of us fight our way upstream....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's been a lovely rainy Friday here on the Prairie. The power was off a couple of times this morning and I finished the Lawrence Block book I was reading, since I had to turn the power off to the computer. It's amazing how much reading I get done when my computer is either down or the power is off. lol

Block writes mystery thrillers about a main character Matt Scudder who is a recovering alcoholic. So the book is peppered with AA meetings and slogans and different things alluding to 12th step life. It's really pretty cool, and he is a great writer. I've been reading him for about 15 years.

I found some leftover turkey soup with homemade egg noodles in it in the freezer, and we had soup and peanut butter sandwiches for lunch. Rainy days are always good for soup, even if the temps are in the low 70's while it rains. Then we got cleaned up and went out to go to a meeting at a treatment center about 45 minutes away, but when we went to pick up the girl that wanted to go, she didn't have a babysitter, so we'll just go next week. Instead, himself and I went to a local park and walked for awhile, and then went to a meeting there in town. It was a lovely day all 'round.

I came away from the meeting tonight grateful one again to not be a newcomer. Listening to people talk about what it's like in the early days brings back memories that are becoming faint. I remember thinking "I NEVER want to go through that again!!!" Hearing some of the sharing tonight had me thinking that again...that not going throuigh that again is a great reason to not take a drink, even if I couldn't think of anything else.

Here's the list of things I have to be grateful for tonight, on a Friday in early spring:

* The hamster wheel has been put out of commision.
*I don't live in fear of getting drunk today.
*I don't have to look over my shoulder anymore.
*I feel REALLY good.
*I am no longer restless, irritable and discontent.
*I can make promises and keep them.
*I'm not afraid to walk into any AA meeting, anywhere.
*Most all the people around me are trustworthy.
*I am trustworthy.
*Life is good.
*I have gratitude and blessings in my life today...and I KNOW it.



Time for me to lay this head down on a nice pillow, on my nice bed, and get some rest.

The Sandman beckons....


Namaste.

Fridays Furrows

The elusive blackberry lily.

I wasn't sure why it was called that until the end of the first summer I had planted them, when the flowers are gone, the seed pod emerges and it looks just like a blackberry! Cool beans.

I have a lot of gratitude for the nature I am constantly surrounded by. Our little piece of heaven has hickory and walnut trees. Lots of violets are sticking their heads up in the yard now, along with the little pink veined white flowers whose name I cannot remember. Any minute now the trillium will show her waxy leaves and the May Apples will start popping up. I've seen a few of those already...and the morel mushrooms often come up around where you find the May Apples, so this is a sign yhat the mushroom picking season is coming soon.

The nurseries and greenhouse are all overflowing and ready to start hawking their wares. Seeing landscaping companies' trucks all over and guys out mowing lawns. angels bending over every blade of grass, whispering..."Grow, Grow".

I love this time of year. Even with the surprise setbacks and returns of inclement weather, it's beautiful and magnificent. Last night we had severe thunderstorms and flash floods. Couldn't post my blog because I had to turn the computer off and unplug everything because of lightning. We had lots of flooding 'round these parts....my road was covered with water in a bunch of places.

Love of nature, gratitude for a sober life, the awe of the miracles of spring...all these combine to make a magical existence. I am especially blessed to be me today. A destination I never thought I would find, once upon a time.


Namaste.

Maudlin Monday

Happy Soberversary, (((MaryLA))) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thought I'd give you a blue place to dance .... xoxoxoxo My life and my sobriety are richer having you in them. Thank you!!!!

Having said that...lol. I am so tired and wanting to sleep. Not a lot to say tonight and hoping I can get this to post..Having a terrible time with the internet connection. Has me pulling my hair out.

It was almost 75 degrees today and now at 11 is still 52. Hope the weather holds for a while. We need sunshine!!! The grey days of midwestern winter need to go away.

I didn't go to the class tonight...feeling a little yucky and just didn't want to go anywhere. Have a busy-ish week comiong down the pike...tomorrow the satellite internet guys are coming to do the site survey and hopefully hook me up. I also have a sponsling coming to do a 4th step she's been working on. Wednesday I am having lunch with my sister and sister-in-law and then going to pick up a new(ish) computer chair I found on Craig's List for twenty bucks. The one I have is killing my back. Thursday I have a doctor's appointment with a new doctor. Friday, I am working with a newbie on her 4th step. I am also going to try to help her set up a budget. Saturday we are going to a spring solstice celebration that starts at 4PM and I have to take a covered dish. That same morning, I am chairing the 10 o'clock meeting for the month of March. Whew....

I need to get some more work down in my yard too. And it's almost time to start my indoor flats of seedlings for the garden. Maybe next week. I am excited about that! I need to check on my potato order too...they haven't come yet and it's nearing time to get those in the ground. So much to do...

I am so grateful to be sober. And healthy. And to be useful and competent and compassionate (most of the time). I'm so blessed to have sober friends. And a family that loves me.

Life is good.

Namaste.

Stunning Sunday

A stellar day all round....Sean Penn took home the Oscar for his portrayal of Harvey Milk. Slumdog Millionaire took away the most awards. And the gorgeous and talented Kate Winslet won Best Actress for The Reader.

Annie Kelley had a most relaxing and easy going day. lol

The neighbor dogs that we are caring for are getting very impatient fo9r their mom and dad to get home. They arrive on Tuesday, so it won't be much longer. We play with them and pet them when we're there to feed them, and even go over a little extra just to love them up a little. But you can tell they're missing them. The longest we've been away from ours is a week. And that is hard. We have cats and dogs and chickens that need feeding daily. And I miss my pets a lot when we go away.

A dear friend of mine was injured in a sailing accident this morning down in Key West. He was rescued by a passerby and the Coast Guard was called. He will be okay, but it was a scare. He had other plans for this week that he is having to cancel, which is terribly disappointing for him. I am just glad he's okay....

Life is precious and a fragile gift. Blessings flow through us and gratitude speaks volumes. I hope that I never forget these things.

It's time for some much needed rest, and I am going to bed grateful for the people I love. Grateful for the people I don't. Grateful for every life lesson that comes down the pike.

Elegant blessings, flowing through me like a fountain. Changing my life and touching the lives of those around me. A great arc of energy and love that showers all who pass close by. This is what I hope for, anyway. Like the rings emanting from the pebble skipped across the water, ever widening the circles of my life.

Sweet dreams...

12th, Thursday. February

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It's said that You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. My BFF Dorothy Parker said "You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think." I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

I opened the women's meeting tonight and only one woman came. It was apparently exactly the right woman. We sat and talked and laughed for an hour. Then we closed up and went home. We both have double digit sobriety and back problems. lol All you need for a meeting is 2 drunks and a coffeepot.

I have a Maxine cartoon on the wall by my computer. It says "Now that I'm older, I thought it was great that I seemed to have more patience. Turns out I just don't give a shit." Somedays, that sums it up.

I don't get all panicky and excited about stuff anymore. The tides of life ebb and flow and my reactions just wear me out. I am reminded of "What goes up must come down." If I just hang on and wait, things generally right themselves. And it's not my doing.

I'm sure grateful to be sober. And content. And planning my gardens for this spring.

I'm sure blessed to have so much stuff in my pantries that I need to inventory them and straighten things up so I know what I have.

I'm grateful, today, to be a woman who's "out there" enough to be able to do some good in the world, even if it's only a tiny bit.

I'm grateful to be who I am. That's a big jump for me.

I'm glad to be going to bed early tonight. Like right now.

Namaste.

Tuesday's Tuesday

[Need a ride? Seamus the wonder dog...] click to enlarge

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Watched Stump the Sussex Spaniel win Best of Show at the 133rd Westminster Dog Show tonight. It was pretty cool, he is 10 years old and the oldest dog to ever win. Pretty neat...

I am heading for the bedroom, have to get up early (5) and take hubby to work so I can keep the car for the chiro appt. I'm getting acupuncture tomorrow too. It's almost midnight already...sigh...time seems to fly when I am sitting in front of this computer. Why is that ??

Had a great day with my critters and am ever blessed by their unconditional love. I used to know a guy who always said "Everything I know about LOVE I learned from my dog." I get it, now. lol

Memorial service for my friend Ray has been set up for next Monday. I hate these things, they stir up all kinds of emotions in me and feelings of loss. I have had a lot of loss in my life. Maybe this is the Universe's way of giving me a chance to work it all out. One more of those life on life's terms things that I'd just as soon do without.

I have a gratitude list a mile long tonight. Suffice it to say that I am grateful to be sober and to be happy, joyous and free most of the time.

I'm meeting the Sandman....

Namaste.

Wicked Good Wednesday

Wicked Good...like the French Quarter in old New Orleans !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love days of blue skies and cold crisp air. Especially when I can mostly watch it from inside my house. Even the snow out there is a dazzling white hot white. It's now frozen hard and crunchy and the pup doesn't even leave a mark as she skates across it.

I cooked and I cleaned and I entertained an old acquaintance today. I did not get the baking done for the potluck tomorrow, but I was debating about whether to wait and do the deed on the day anyway. That decision was made for me by the sudden appearance of an old high school friend.

I love the fact that people around these parts just assume they can call and say--hey, I'm by your house. Okay if I drop in? I have lived in lots of places where folks do not do that sort of thing. It's rather endearing. Much like when the old farmers always give you that 2 finger wave as they pass you in their tractors. I love that. It's so..it's so...Midwestern. I guess.

I feel blessed to come from this hardy stock. I always have, even when I didn't want to live here. I am blessed to have a good work ethic and a sense of right and wrong and the common sense that has [mostly] served me so well in this life.

I feel blessed to be able to read and appreciate great literature.
I feel blessed to love and appreciate music. Of all kinds. Mostly.
I am blessed to know that gratitude is a gift I get to open every day.
I am blessed to know that I am blessed. To not just wander around in that state of oblivious bewilderment. To not ever have to be a victim again.

I wish the world peace.

Namaste.

An historical moment ...

[Me...circa 1978. On a beach in California, just south of San Francisco)

Well, I spent a good part of the morning watching the inauguration of the 44th president of the United States. It was breathtaking, seeing that record crowd on Pennsylvania Avenue. It was both uplifting and tear-jerking to see the Tuskegee Airmen sitting in the crowd, to see the people of this country witness one of their own finally being sworn in as president, the highest office in the land. Especially the older folks, the ones who have lived closer to the injustices and racism, perhaps. I am proud to have been part of the color of change.



Today I am grateful that I have a television, so that I could feel like I was part of this historic moment. I am grateful that I can feel my feelings, and have hope for the future of the world. I am grateful for gratitude, something I didn't always have. I am grateful to have lived long enough to see the paradigm shift.





The blessings of being able to write this, and having a computer connection, and having enough funds to care for my injured pet and good food to put on the table and pay my bills...all this makes my head spin sometimes. The blessings of a good sober marriage, sober friends, and having been released from that self made prison I was locked up in...these things are invaluable in my life today. The IDEA of being able to chat this morning with a friend from Australia on the computer...how cool is that?



I'm going in to lay my head on my pillow, do a quick 10th step and take a look at my day, and then it's off to sleepyland. 5 AM comes early....



Namaste.

Monday, again ????

[The view across my front yard, 2005]

Well, here we are, another day come and gone. I could wax philosophic about the passage of time, or my place in the Universe, but instead I'd like to talk about something near and dear to my heart. (ahem.)

Yesterday morning at the meeting, my glasses broke. I've had a feeling they were about to, as they just felt fragile. I was cleaning the lenses and they pretty much just came apart in my hands. The weld that holds the nosepiece broke. Luckily, I had my prescription sunglasses, so I could still see (plus, I looked totally incognito and cool.). Fast forward to later in the day, and I'm trying to find any kind of old glasses that I can still see out of, to no avail. Finally I found a pair that didn't give me an instant headache. They aren't quite right, but at least I can see the keyboard. I don't like the way they look, or the color of the frames (a dark bronze), or the way they fit. But hey, I can use them. I really cannot afford new glasses right now. So....drumroll....the other day the Medicare book came in the mail. I'm thinking, I'll find out what Medicare covers and maybe I can get new glasses. OR something. I swear...it's like the book is written in Chinese.
Now, I'm a relatively intelligent human being. I can figure out lots of stuff. The only place where it talks about eyecare is under A) Diabetes or B) [this is a direct quote] "Eyeglasses(limited): ONE PAIR OF EYEGLASSES WITH STANDARD FRAMES (OR ONE SET OF CONTACT LENSES) AFTER CATARACT SURGERY THAT IMPLANTS AN INTRAOCULAR LENS.

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Does that mean that I can only get glasses if I let them implant a lens?
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

How do seniors on Medicare afford glasses?

I'm bewitched, bothered and bewildered... (that reference is for you, 'roni. Happy Homecoming!)


Sigh...oh well. I still have lots of things to be grateful for today.

*All my critters are in house, safe and loved
*I have a wonderful marriage based on mutual respect and good humour.
*I have most of my family living within a hundred miles of me or less.
*I am over 6000 words into NaNoWriMo
*I am geting to know more and more great folks in the blogger community
*I am sober. Just for today.
*Listening to others problems make mine feel small.
*I have a huge share of meetings close enough to attend any time I want.
*The 12 Steps have absolutely changed my life.
*Today I have a faith that works.
*I have a nice warm bed to climb into, I am not homeless, and am well fed.
*My health is relatively good.
*Tomorrow I get to vote my conscience and exercise a right that a lot of people don't have.
*Today, I am a child of God, and I try to act like it.


Sweet dreams, all y'all.

Just another Tuesday in Paradise...

[Some gorgeous giant turtles at a zoo in Decatur]

Today (14th) was my beloved's 28th sober anniversary. He will actually celebrate at his home group this coming Sunday. We'll have cake and his sponsor will give him a coin. In this part of the country, they also have cards...a gold card for one year of sobriety with a gold star placed in the card for each ensuing year. SO, since moving here, we have become card carrying members of Alcoholics Anonymous. lol

I spent the day at home, while he was out running about. I did laundry and straightened up the house and did some spot cleaning of the carpet. I had 4 loads of laundry (ohmygosh!) because I changed the bed and changed one of the loveseat covers as well. It is always good to have it all caught up.

I read something really funny today, that I am going to try to copy and paste here. hang on....

12 Step Recovery Program For Web Addicts

1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3. I will get dressed before noon.

4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8. I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

(I got a good chuckle out of this.)

I'm grateful to be married to another sober alcoholic.

I'm grateful for friends with a sense of humor.

I'm grateful for another day to be of service.

I'm grateful for sober birthdays--whoever they belong to!

The Sandman cometh....