Pax, Ashtee, Shanti, Mtendere,Shalom

 

   " We will comprehend the word, serenity, and we will know peace." pg83, BB

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I think a lot about the nature of serenity and peace in my life.  In the 60's and early 70's, I was all about peace signs and peace and love and the end of the war in VietNam. In the 80's the only peace I could find in my life was at the bottom of a bottle. In 1989, the Universe conspired to land me in a holding cell one night in early  November. I had been arrested for drunk driving and blew a .29 on the Richter scale.  lol  It felt like the Richter...Nothing in my life was ever the same after that.  Between the arrest and the preliminary hearing, I collapsed at work and was taken to the hospital, where I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. The ensuing months of surgery and treatment kept me out of court until May of 1990.  When I finally got there, the judge looked down at me and said that I was a lucky girl, and that he was going to save my life. He sentenced me to 10 AA meetings and fined me out the wazoo.  I was outraged.   My lawyer kept hissing at me to "shut up."   I didn't think he could make me go to AA....I said as much.  He looked at me again over those little glasses settling down his nose and said something to the effect that he could do anything he wanted...and that was that.  Powerless?  Looked like it.  lol

 I spent a lot of my life being filled with rage. rage at the way my life was. Rage at all the things I never got to do.  Rage at how unfair the world had been  to me.  Rage (unbeknownst to me) at the fact that I never got to be a kid after I was about 5 years old.  It was like I had this big soup pot setting on the back burner, simmering away. And it didn't take much at all, ever, to ratchet that burner up enough to send me into a boiling furious firestorm. I had anger issues long before it was  a labeled issue, lol.  I was hateful and spiteful and miserable for a long time.  Booze and drugs were the only thing that ever helped make my life manageable. To shut off the noise, turn down the fire, calm the storms.

  I only talk about this tonight, because I want to remember how little peace I had in my life. I seemed to have 2 speeds.  Furious and unconscious.

After I was around the rooms for a while (ok- a long while) I started learning to identify my feelings and pull things out of my head and look at them honestly.  I started to learn that I did not have to be at the mercy of my rage.  I found out that there were people in the world who understood how it was to be me...they had the same problems I had and they had found solutions to those problems. I started to have some hope that maybe, just maybe, this could work for me as well. By the time I was 5 years away from my last drink, I realized that the anger was dissipating and that I was having moments of peacefulness in my days.

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I am filled with gratitude that I have learned to pray and meditate, to be open to the wonders of the world. I feel an inner peace just looking at the wild geese on my pond, and knowing that their Creator and my Creator are one and the same.  I have many moments of peace and serenity throughout my day, no matter where I am or what I'm doing.  Peace is the rule rather than the exception for me today.

At church we sing, Let there be Peace on Earth, and let it begin with me....

It does begin with me today.  And I am forever grateful for that.

Namaste.

Halloween....2009

Then end of another month finds me nursing a sickish husband who has a congestion/sinus-y sore throaty kind of bug. Everyone around these parts seems to have it...not me. Yet. lol I'm faithfully taking the Vitamins B&C&D and Echinacea and Goldenseal and a little zinc thrown in for good measure. And washing my hands A LOT. And staying away from sickies wherever I can. Got a call from my youngest sister this morning. She's pretty upset about her daughter who was calling her crazy drunk at 5:30 AM begging her to come get her. She was at home, and was in the floor so drunk she couldn't get up. This is the second major episode of this...my sister (naturally) is terrified and doesn't know what to do, so I said I'd call and see if she will talk to me. I've called twice now and she isn't returning my calls. The kid is only 23 years old...was sobbing that she has no friends, she hates her life, she drinks every day before work. Please keep C- in some prayers if you have extras. Maybe this will be a bottom for her, but I'm skeptical. One of my sponslings has relapsed again as well. Has been lying about smoking pot and went on another good bender a few nights ago. I wish I could spoon feed this sobriety thing to people, but I can't. If only they could believe that this is the easier, softer way! But they cannot and will not. So, I sit on the sidelines and I wait. Maybe they will have a flash of clarity before it is too late for them. Maybe they won't. I'm so grateful to be sober today, and to have that excruciating first year behind me. I'm grateful that I was 37 when I got here...and not so young that all I could think was "I need to have fun..." By 37, I had drank all the fun out of life. By 37, I was an empty shell of a human being. I read a really lovely meditation on Thursday that I wanted to share here. It is titled : I am a radiating center of peace. Heat emanates from the core of the sun, where particles bump and collide, radiating energy and warmth. When I turn my face to the sun, I feel the power that is released from deep within it, benefitting me and all of the planet Earth. Deep within me, Divine Light radiates love and energy throughouot my mind, body and spirit. Loving expressions emanate from the core of me, from my Divine nature. I have within me all I need to radiate love and peace into the world. Outward expressions of peace begin with inner peace. I focus and center myself on the Divine Light within, and every thought I hold and every word I speak are bathed in peace. I am blessed beyond my understanding today by the life I get to live. To be a grain of sand on the most beautiful beach in the Universe, to be a droplet of water in a gorgeously wild river. To be in a position to put out a helping hand every now and again and make a difference in someone's life. To look through the pain of this life sometimes and know...that behind every opportunity lies a lesson to help me on the path to Dharma, to understanding, to love. Namaste.