Thursday, March 4, 2010

Pax, Ashtee, Shanti, Mtendere,Shalom


   " We will comprehend the word, serenity, and we will know peace." pg83, BB


I think a lot about the nature of serenity and peace in my life.  In the 60's and early 70's, I was all about peace signs and peace and love and the end of the war in VietNam. In the 80's the only peace I could find in my life was at the bottom of a bottle. In 1989, the Universe conspired to land me in a holding cell one night in early  November. I had been arrested for drunk driving and blew a .29 on the Richter scale.  lol  It felt like the Richter...Nothing in my life was ever the same after that.  Between the arrest and the preliminary hearing, I collapsed at work and was taken to the hospital, where I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. The ensuing months of surgery and treatment kept me out of court until May of 1990.  When I finally got there, the judge looked down at me and said that I was a lucky girl, and that he was going to save my life. He sentenced me to 10 AA meetings and fined me out the wazoo.  I was outraged.   My lawyer kept hissing at me to "shut up."   I didn't think he could make me go to AA....I said as much.  He looked at me again over those little glasses settling down his nose and said something to the effect that he could do anything he wanted...and that was that.  Powerless?  Looked like it.  lol

 I spent a lot of my life being filled with rage. rage at the way my life was. Rage at all the things I never got to do.  Rage at how unfair the world had been  to me.  Rage (unbeknownst to me) at the fact that I never got to be a kid after I was about 5 years old.  It was like I had this big soup pot setting on the back burner, simmering away. And it didn't take much at all, ever, to ratchet that burner up enough to send me into a boiling furious firestorm. I had anger issues long before it was  a labeled issue, lol.  I was hateful and spiteful and miserable for a long time.  Booze and drugs were the only thing that ever helped make my life manageable. To shut off the noise, turn down the fire, calm the storms.

  I only talk about this tonight, because I want to remember how little peace I had in my life. I seemed to have 2 speeds.  Furious and unconscious.

After I was around the rooms for a while (ok- a long while) I started learning to identify my feelings and pull things out of my head and look at them honestly.  I started to learn that I did not have to be at the mercy of my rage.  I found out that there were people in the world who understood how it was to be me...they had the same problems I had and they had found solutions to those problems. I started to have some hope that maybe, just maybe, this could work for me as well. By the time I was 5 years away from my last drink, I realized that the anger was dissipating and that I was having moments of peacefulness in my days.

I am filled with gratitude that I have learned to pray and meditate, to be open to the wonders of the world. I feel an inner peace just looking at the wild geese on my pond, and knowing that their Creator and my Creator are one and the same.  I have many moments of peace and serenity throughout my day, no matter where I am or what I'm doing.  Peace is the rule rather than the exception for me today.

At church we sing, Let there be Peace on Earth, and let it begin with me....

It does begin with me today.  And I am forever grateful for that.



Ronda Laveen said...

Your story is very special. Thanks for sharing.

Shanti,Shanti, Shanti

Mary LA said...

There is so much here I can identify with -- that awful simmering rage in particular.

Loved this post, Annie.

jozien said...

thanks, that is quite something. i admire you very much. it gives me strength.

Andrew said...

There is always another way. That has been the lesson for me.

Love always.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

I sure understand this experience. I used to think I was quite mild mannered but having looked back on that I changed my perspective. I was a seething cauldron of really ugly nasty rage. It sucked so much energy and light up!

Living in the light and learning that anger masks fear and fear is unnecessary is a good practice.


DJan said...

You have definitely looked at life from both sides now... and found that peace and serenity that every human being desires. It's wonderful to read about your story from the place of a person who has found her correct path. It gives me so much joy to read about it, too!

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Shanti Shanti Shanti....

Dear're story is so like so many, I can and do relate so well to rage or unconcious...LOL although not funny, it is that I was so hurt by my life and had no way to comprehend the misery outside of making others miserable or walking away as I couldn't tolerate the pain.

Great POST, I can so identify with this.

Prayer Girl said...

Thank you for this deeply emotional glimpse into your private world. It is always such a miracle to look at the before and after pictures of our lives.


TechnoBabe said...

Rage can be a best friend in the eyes of one not living in reality. Recovery opens our eyes as well as our hearts, doesn't it? True freedom came to me when I faced truth and learned to accept the past and was able to put it behind me so I am able to move forward. You are so right: there is more peace each day and more and more as each day awakens us.

Jackie said...

This post is so inspirational and a joy to read. Thank you for sharing it.


Steve E said...

"We only need share what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now..."

And let PEACE begin with you, and me, and us!

Realliveman said...

I recently learned peace is found inside you. If you look for it outside yourself, you will never find it.

I admire your resolve.