A Pocketful of MIracles

I really love this picture. It has all the components of what makes life miraculous. Mystical magick of a rainbow. The incredible hues of a bluebird. Mother Nature. A sky that's a color that is hard to imagine showing up to cover a world.


I have been thinking today of miracles. Of how I lived for a lot of years in misery and in fantasy and in denial of who I was and what I wanted out of life. Probably it's all part of the learning curve, but if you're a person of my ilk, you barrel through life not paying attention to stuff, intent only on the journey. Never looking up to see where you're going or what you're doing to get there. Burning bridges and breaking hearts and always on the run, run, run. Of always trying so hard to catch up with the how it used to be's...even though I was never that crazy about how it used to be. It was more of an obsession to be in the fast lane. And not really knowing what that was.


Having known the kind of people who inhabit both extremes of the spectrum, I have always been amazed at how people settle for so little in their lives. I felt like that back then, and I feel like that now. Of course the parameters have changed, but it's still thought provoking to me when I see someone still living in the same town, still doing the same things, still with the same people. I couldn't wait to be shed of this place when I was young. I knew there was a big world out there (I was a reader, you know...*snort), and I knew that SOMETHING was waiting for me out in it. And by the time I was 18 years old, I had already lived in 3 states. I would take off for little periods of time, up to a year, and then I would come back and hate it all the more.

What I didn't know then that I sometimes remember now is that ...wherever I go, there I am.What I didn't understand about all those other people who were content to just stay in their familiar little corner of the world, was that THEY weren't being chased around and around their heads like I was. They had some serenity--I had none. They didn't sit around waiting for the other shoe to drop like I did. They weren't constantly living in another reality, because this one was just too much to bear. They were getting on with their lives and their loves and I was whirling like a dervish that couldn't afford to stop long enough to even figure out what I wanted or who I wanted to do it with.


And so the race continued.

Until I was so worn out and so used up and so freaking exhausted from it all that I felt like I was going to die. And that was about the time that a Power completely outside my understanding intervened. And a series of events took place that was to change my life forever. Things happened that could only be called incredible. The stars lined up and the planets followed suit and before I knew it, I was a changed woman.


A Course in Miracles says that a miracle is a shift in perception.When you take someone like me, and you take away all the mind altering drugs, the booze, the collection of what I thought were my survival tools (men, sex, work, money, security, denial), you take away the ego, you take away the old way of life....something is bound to shift. And in that shift, that chasm between the old life and this new life, miracles are born.

Alcoholics Anonymous tells me to "Expect a Miracle". They tell me that for a person like me to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body is nothing but a miracle. They are absolutely correct.


In my own mind, when I try to reconcile the old me with the present me...the obvious result is awe. I am completely amazed at the things that bring me joy today...things (that are never things) that I used to never even see. Things I thought couldn't possibly matter, in the great cosmic scheme of things. Things that I dismissed...not worthy of my attention.


I know that fear is what separates me from God and from my fellow human beings. I know that love is the only thing that can glue that crack in my cosmic egg...that can repair the damages in my life. Ipso facto, God equals Love. And Love equals God.


And that's all I really need to know. Love is always the answer.



Namaste. What I didn't understand about all those other people who were content to just stay in their familiar little corner of the world, was that

Tuesday the 8th of December

Kitten peeking through the big Christmas wreath...
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It has been a rough couple of days...this past week I started having a lot of pain in my knee again and by Sunday I was starting with the hip pain from walking all gimpy. Yesterday and today I have been hurting so much I can barely walk. It's not so bad if I'm sitting or lying with my leg up, but when I'm on my feet for more than about 10 minutes, the pain gets unbearable. It feels like the stuff I used to have to get trigger point injections for...but maybe it's a pinched nerve. At any rate--I DON'T LIKE IT!!! lol Honestly, I brought stuff in from the storage to put up for Christmas and by 1 PM I was nearly crying. I would get up and put stuff up for about 10 minutes and go lay on the heating pad with my leg up for the next hour. Needless to say, I didn't get a whole lot done. But, I did get some of it up, so that's something. I thought I was going to have to have Patrick take me to the ER when he got home. I have a chiropractor appointment for Thursday morning, if I can hold out that long. I'm going to try to hold out on the knee repair until after the first of the year when the holidays are over. We'll see... Rainy and cold here today, and it was only after sunset that the temperature rose to over 40 degrees! Weird. Supposed to be getting a wintry mix tomorrow though, with temps in the high teens. I really wish I lived somewhere warm and balmy... We have a Christmas party to attend on Saturday. A speaker/anniversary (group celebrating 47 years!!) on Thursday. I hope that my wonderful Doc Stu can fix this hip. We are going to have a little get together on Christmas night...a few friends and some soups and goodies. It will be fun. Then we are invited to an after Christmas bash on the 27th. In between will be all peppered with family stuff. I love this time of year... I'm really tired and will be in bed soon, even though I took a couple of naps today on the heating pad. I feel worn out from it all... Have started reading Lacuna...it's an interesting departure (I think) from her usual style, but I am loving it. I also got the email today from NaNoWriMo with the code to get a proof copy of my novel published. I cannot imagine how it will feel to hold an actual copy of it in my hands....even if I'm the only one who will ever see it, lol. My pups have just come back in from their evening constitutional, so I am free to go to bed now. My life is blessed by my love for these critters and their love for me. By the men and women in the world who, on a daily basis, teach me how NOT to act. By the grace and beauty of the world in which I live. Life's a dance....

Tuesday...again

The St. Louis Cathedral in New Orleans...
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Crikey...

It's been 2 weeks since my last post. A hiatus from all things bloggy....for the most part. From time to time, it's important to take a break and reflect...so I did.

I have been busy with lots of things...family and friends, getting things taken down and ready for the approaching winter. It's 46 degrees tonight...the nights are getting cooler and cooler and so are the days...barely cresting 60. I have had the air conditioning off for a while, but even had to close the windows ! Fall is beautiful in these parts, but I hate to see the summer go, in a way. On the other hand, winter is a time of rest, and I'm surely ready for that. lol

There's lots of viruses going around here...so far (knock wood) we haven't had any of them. Taking echinacea faithfully and lots of Vitamins B and C too. Drinking rooiboos tea as well...getting plenty of fresh air, washing the hell out of my hands and staying away from sickies as much as possible. Not getting a flu shot...haven't had one since about 1977, and have no intention of starting now. Too much controversy over it all...

Sitting here tonight feeling grateful for this life of elegant blessings I am graced to live. A modest home in the country, more love than I could have ever imagined, health, enough food and [finally] water. Getting to live sober and attend meetings and be of service. Having an office full of books that I am able to (and have!!) read. Having a computer and the necessary skills to operate it. Having a house full of pets and being able to feed them. Having enough extra room to share with someone who needs a hand up from time to time. Being blessed with grandchildren. Getting to live my own life...one day at a time, sober, and happy.

It doesn't get much better than that.


Namaste.

Freaky Fridays

~~~Frankie Figgs~~~~Generally one of the least user- friendly cats we have. But recently he has been all over me, wanting pets and treats and hugs and kisses.



Just had the most wonderful IM with a friend from Down Under. I adore her. It was everything spiritual, practical and loving...what a perfect combination ! I am so blessed to have such people in my life.

It's almost 2 AM and my house is filled with the aroma of fresh baked bread. It's about ready to come out of the bread machine. I forgot to stop and pick up a loaf on my way home tonight...so thought I'd throw a loaf in the old whiz bang bread maker. The unfortunate part is that once it's done (a matter of minutes now) I will be OBLIGED to eat a chunk of it hot, with butter. It's a honey oatmeal bread...and OMG, does it smell like heaven!! And I know it will probably do one of two things. Either I will eat that hot yeasty bread and it will give me a stomach ache....or I will sleep like a baby. LMAO!!! Either way--I don't care. I'm willing to risk it for that soul comforting feeling that you can only get from warm homemade bread.
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OMG. It's delightful. It's a beautiful caramel brown, the crumb is perfect and the taste is outta this world. I'm eating the end piece....It has whole wheat flour and unbleached flour, and flax meal, oatmeal, honey and butter in it. And water and yeast. And salt. Is there really anything better on this planet??????????

I'm home from a birthday meeting, so I'm feeling pretty grateful tonight. Watched someone get 35 years. Wow. By my best guesstimate, there must have been over 300 years of sobriety in that room. It was flat out AWESOME. I feel very lucky to be living in a place where there is so much sobriety and so many meetings.


My gratitude list for today could easily be a gazillion items long. lol I love counting my blessings instead of my problems. I love knowing that no matter how I might be FEELING at any given moment throughout the day, the facts are these: I am especially blessed.

Lets put it like this:

• I will have running water on Monday.
• I have all my needs met today.
• Today I know that joy is the blood and heartbeat of God.
• I am a strong sober woman.
• Those feelings of uselessness and self pity have disappeared.
• I know how to keep my thoughts positive.
• 63 degrees is good sleeping weather.
• Tomorrow I get to have food,fellowship and fun (and a bbq!) in one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen.
• Today, I got a new sponsor!
• The trigger finger problem I had seems to be going away. By itself!
• I know love.
• All kinds of love.
• Cat and dog and chicken and bird and man and woman love.
• I can live in a state of grace today. No matter what.

Namaste.

Friday, fulfilled...

These are the clematis flowers that grow near my front door. I have lots of flowers around my place and I'm really grateful for the beauty and peace they bring to my life.

I'm blessed to be out in the country, away from the air and noise pollution of city life.

I'm grateful that I can walk out my back door and pick enough food for dinner.

How cool is it that there are over 30 hummingbirds around my front porch at any given time this time of year?

I'm ever so grateful that they told me to write a gratitude list every day when I was new.

I'm ever so grateful I listened to them.



I'm glad there's a queen sized bed with a pillow topped mattress waiting for me at the end of the hall...and all I have to do is turn off this computer and walk there.

Right now.

Good Night.


Namaste.

Saturday...in the park

I'm having one of those days where the blessings in my life just seem to be raining down on me like a beautiful spring shower. It looks like this:

~ Seeing wildflowers all over the park today
~ Seeing the brilliantly sunny day
~ Smelling that damp musky earth smell as we trudged through the woods
~ Feeling the love of my life holding my hand as we walked
~ Listening to newly sober people telling how fresh and new everything feels
~ Reading some new blogs tonight and being moved by each one
~ Talking to my husband about spending the day tomorrow at home
~ Falling asleep at my computer....


Namaste!

Tickled Green on Tuesday

Happy St Paddy's to you all. If you ate corned beef and cabbage tonight, God help the person sleeping in your bed. LOL

Here's hoping you find your pot o' gold at the end of the rainbow, before the leprechauns snatch it away!

I have had a blessed day...time outside, working in the yard, time inside cleaning and cooking. Pets to love and care for, friends to love and care for, a great conversation with a nun. A nice meal with my beloved. 4 baby kittens, whose eyes are wide open...making them too adorable to even think of giving away...(oh no--I did not say that!)... my life is simple, but it is good. It is getting simpler all the time. I am happy and content. I have everything I need, and then some.

I have been taking a long look lately at the way my life has unfolded. Sobriety has been the best thing that ever happened to me. If it were not for sobriety, I would have no marriage to this wonderful man that I met at an AA birthday party. I would not have a comfortable home in the country, where I can sing and dance and pray and play to my heart's delight. None of you sober people would be such a huge part of my reality.

Wow. Gratitude is a gift I choose every day.

What a lucky duck I am!!

Namaste.

Wowsa Wednesday

I experienced a wonderful moment today in a meeting at noon...there were more women there than men!! LOL...and out of 6 women there, I sponsor 4 of them. It was one of those moments that happen to you that pull you back to the earth and ground you in gratitude. These women range in sobriety from 2 months to 15 years. They teach me so much on a daily basis and help me see the world around me with new eyes every moment. I could probably point out the time that each and every one of them came into my life on that Divine schedule.
I moved here 4 years ago and knew no one in the recovery world except my son. He introduced me to his sponsor. That was it. When we actually made the move here from Asheville, NC , I remember thinking that maybe I needed a break from AA. I wasn't going to stop going to meetings completely...I was just gonna slow down and take it easy. Not get so involved. Lay low. I lived (sober) in NC for 10 years. There towards the end, I was feeling nibbled to death by ducks. I sponsored a lot of women, did a lot of stuff. I was tired. I was burned out. I just wanted a little ME time. God had different plans for me, I guess. (What's that old saying?? "Man makes plans and God laughs." )

After the first few meetings I went to here, I kept hearing women say, oh-we don't have a lot of women here with any long term sobriety! Oh, we're so glad you're here! Oh,Oh,Oh!! I ducked my head and went home. Back out to the country, where it takes me a minimum of 25 minutes to get to a meeting. Seemed safe enough. LOL
Fast forward a year, and my phone rings constantly. I am the GSR for my new home group. I am involved in the new CSO that's being organized. I am speaking all over the place. And being the total and complete EGOMANIAC that I am, I am eating this stuff up. I am having luncheons for groups of women at my house. I am having dinners and game nights and just in general running right back into what I left behind when I moved. I only say all this to give you a snapshot of just how little I understand about boundaries and slowing down. lol
Fast forward another year. I am backing up a little and life is more balanced. I still do things, just not so much. It's enough though, to keep me connected and sober and relatively happy.
Now I'm looking back over this past year, and I can see the writing on the wall. We (the local recovery community) have had our share of tragedies this past year. We have gone through growing pains. In my own life, I can see mirrored the highs and lows and the growing and most especially the love. I can understand better than ever before that I have to take care of myself. I have to keep the quality of my sobriety and my spirituality and my physical being at peak levels. If I don't, I will not be useful to God or my fellows. So...sometimes I don't answer my phone, letting it go to voice mail. Sometimes I say No to requests. Sometimes I just go out and sit in the backyard and recharge my batteries. And I pray and I meditate and I care, care, care about the people in my life.

And I care about me, too. I am a gift, a tool. This is a quantum leap from the woman who walked through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous in 1990. That woman was broken and hopeless and useless. The love in here brought me around again, gave me a second chance at life again. These 12 simple steps changed me forever. They changed the way I see myself, they changed the way I see you. You told me I had to give back what was so freely given to me. They changed the way I see the events in my life. And that is the biggest gift of all...I do not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. I am who I am, and would not be if it weren't for all the amazing things that have come down the pike.

I am a survivor. I am a teacher. I am an artist. I am a cook. I am a sister. I am a mother. I am an aunt. I am a friend. I am a grandmother. I am a person who thinks before she speaks (mostly). I am you. And I am me.

And I am gloriously and unabashedly SOBER.

Wow. That's a lot of blessings and gratitude.

Wednesday's puppies

I feel especially blessed to be the caretaker of these 3 dogs at my house. Lately, due to the addition of a new baby puppy, I feel more like a referee. The baby is getting along famously with the lab mix, Lucy. Molly McGee, the Jack Russell Terrorist, is a cranky and bitchy 2 year old that growls every time the puppy comes near her. And is she would be that way all the time it would be okay, but she alternates between playing with the puppy and hating its guts...so the puppy never knows how to respond to her. Sigh...

This year has been really bad for bugs, with all the rain we had. We dose these guys with topical flea stuff from the vet, but the 2 older dogs go in the pond several times a day and it weakens the strength of the stuff (I don't care WHAT the package says). We put flea collars on them as well. And still we have fleas. We put Advantage on the puppy and she still has fleas. SO, we either have super fleas out here, or the stuff I'm paying through the nose for at the vet is old or something. It's one thing that makes me look forward to winter....

I am grateful for my newest sponsee, who has been calling me regularly. Just got off the phone. Talking to newcomers always helps me really see the blessings in my own life, so thanks to ALL of you. lol We talked about how hard it is to ask for help, and how we are affected by stress and how starting a day with your head spinning is not a good thing. Just basic life stuff. I love going through the steps with new women too...it is so good for me.

I am blessed by the way the puppy snuggles up to my neck when I hold her. I'm sure it lowers my blood pressure by 30 points....just that simple act of love and trust.

..."when we accept that we always exist in a state of grace, we are able to live our lives more graciously. Knowing that we are graced gives us more hope, makes us more generous, and allows us to trust that we are taken care of, even when we are going through difficult times. Grace is our benevolence of heart, our generosity of spirit. Grace is unconditional love and the beauty that is our humanity. When we know that we are blessewd with grace, we cannot help but want to live our lives in harmony."

A life of grace

Not sure why I'm starting another blog. I just felt the need to make a little place where I can explore the blessings of a life lived in sobriety and kindness (mostly). I will start by telling you, gentle readers, that I am sober lo these 18 years through very little of my own volition. lol I always get a little crinky (just this side of cranky) when I hear people talk about their faith and their beliefs and their Jesus stuff...not sure why I really care. It's not that I don't believe in a power greater than myself (I do) and it's not really that I begrudge them their religions. It's just...I guess it's just that I don't share the party line dogma and have been rebuked for that more than once. Or maybe it's just that I am jealous. I don't know, honestly.

I'm gonna try to start off slow here and see what happens. I am blogging on another site, at wordpress, and it's the first time I've taken on such an endeavor. I am a very undisciplined person, so maybe that's what I think I'll procure from all this jibber-jabbering. I've been posting there for about 37 days or something. With the exception of not taking a drink for over 6000 days, I haven't done much else this consistently.

Okay then. Now to look and see what my dumb, un-savvy, computer ass has done to the theme of this blog!

Up and away !!!!!!!!!!!