Monday, September 1, 2008

September arrives, right on schedule

Winding down a long day. I must be getting old, it's a quarter of 11 and I can barely keep my eyes open.

Was up rather early, cleaning house, cooking, and generally messing about. Looked at a truck that is probably a no-go. Had a little bbq with a young couple and their 2 year old. We've sort of adopted them... the little one is like the grandchild I never had, and that thrills me to no end. It was a very nice afternoon and evening and now I am beat.

Am having lunch with my sister and sister-in-law tomorrow. That will; be nice. I am especially blessed to have such a dear girl for a SIL. She has a heart the size of New York. I don't see her nearly enough.

I was thinking today about the early years when I lived in California and felt so alone sometimes. Really--it didn't matter where I lived. I was alone. I had bricked myself in with a philosophy that if I didn't let you close you couldn't hurt me. I lived across the continent away from my family, and would come visit about every 7 years, whether I needed it or not. I didn't develop a lot of close personal relationships. I kept my head down and my eyes straight ahead. I guess the reason I was thinking about it is that my son and his family live about 20 minutes from me and I rarely see them. They are the reason I moved here, and what a mistake that was. I saw more of them when I lived 10 hours away. It was a 3 day holiday and I never heard a word from them. They are so busy....they both work full time and he works side jobs and she goes to school...I know it's nothing personal, but it feels personal anyway. I guess I probably need to do some writing about it... This dilemma is nothing new, it's been going on since I moved here 3 years ago. I try to find ways to deal with it as best I can, but it hurts my feelings something terrible.

I guess the blessing here is that I don't have to over react and run away (yet) or get drunk and be an ass. I wouldn't ever want to hurt him. I've put him through enough in his lifetime. My living amends to him is to not be that mother I was when he was young. But I don't know what the boundary line is, I guess, between my hurt and his inattention. Sigh....Just for today, I can hand it over to my Creator and just sit. I can look around me and know that I am loved by a lot of people and that my expectations are probably not going to be met by this child of mine. So, just for today, it will all be okay.

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