I have family coming tomorrow. It will be a ridiculous crazy day...I have my alarm set for 6 AM so I can get some housework done...I have to go to a meeting at noon to give a sponsling her 18 year chip. I have to leave there early to go pick up my grandson and his dog that we are probably going to keep for him. They are going to spend the night...my brother and his family will be here around 2 and then my sister and her husband and their daughter and my son and his wife will all be over for supper.
I made a Scandinavian potato salad today, It's very plain, yet elegant, with simple ingredients...red potatoes, onion, celery, dill weed, celery seed, sour cream and mayonnaise. I usually make the old standard with mustard and eggs...not this time. I will make a huge green salad tomorrow, some cucumber and onions in vinegar, and we will cook hot dogs and burgers on the grill. I will get out some salsa and make some ranch dip to go with the chips my sister will bring. I will put out a huge plate of pickle...dilled green beans, pickled okra, pickled garlic, pickled baby beets, and pickled peppers, sweet and mixed. I may even have some olives, green and black to go with. Like my husband always says: We may not have much, but we eat like kings!
Had a gullywasher of a rain here today and high winds as well. So, the yard didn't get mowed. The humidity is terrible. I did buy some petunias and geraniums and begonias today and they are sitting in the pots, but not really planted. I can promise you, THAT won't get done tomorrow. lol
I had a bit of a meltdown last night...after talking with my sister, who just found out she is going to be a grandmother...and reading Mz. Moon's news about another grandchild...and knowing I will never have a blood grandchild of my own...I just came undone. My son has 2 stepsons and they are as close as I am ever going to get to being a grandma. The youngest one that comes over all the time is a sweetheart and I am blessed to have him in my life, don't get me wrong. But to never have the chance to look down at my own grandchild that carries my family DNA...well...it just breaks my heart. Somedays. After my son was born, I got pregnant one other time. From then on, I could never get pregnant again. I didn't want a house full of babies. I was never THAT girl. But I wouldn't have minded one more. When I write this out, it all sounds silly. Yearning for a life I will never have, mostly because of choices I made. Must be old age that makes us all so dodderingly emotional about things that might have been. (And when I say US, I mean me). I'm tearing up even now...
So, I am off to sleep. Tomorrow there will be family and food and children playing and dogs barking and birds singing in my life. And it will be good. And I will be glad. Glad for those whose lives are full of grandchildren, and glad that I have such a big loving family.
And glad for pink and purple petunias, blooming their fool heads off.
Namaste.
3 comments:
I understand completely. I won't ever have any grandchildren either, so I am sharing my siblings' grands, and my little grandniece makes me VERY happy indeed. But I hear you. Sometimes I can let it get me down.
My son and DIL made the choice never to have any kids, so I won't have any either. I am sooo happy for the people who do have them, tho--so I am one of the few people who enjoys the grandkid photos on the blogs--LOL! I can't complain. My son, Dagan, was never supposed to live. Illnesses, doctors, surgeries...was never supposed to see him have a first birthday, go to first grade, graduate from high school...and then college!! And he met and married a young woman who has stolen my heart and I love dearly. And he is still doing well and no heart transplant yet...so, no complaints here. But there are moments when I wonder what it would have been like to hold their child in my arms. Maybe my heart would have burst. ;)
I understand this completely and think that the gulleywasher of rain is what I had the other night realizing i will never have a child, it finally hit me now, and that everyone in my family that I loved is now gone...sometimes alone is ok, and sometimes it's just alone.
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