Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Rain again...cool temps...

 Have an abundance of eggs again, so I'll be making things like this yummy quiche and devilled eggs and things of this sort to get them used up. I have a lot of spinach and herbs ready in the garden, so it will be a delightful veggie quiche, with all manner of odds and ends in it..

  Had a rough day yesterday with the Altzheimers patient in the ICU...she's furious at being there and they are doing lots of tests and she feels violated and scared and it's been just awful. Thing is, she demanded to be taken, by ambulance, to the ER on Sunday night, but doesn't remember any of it, of course. They are allowing us to be there with her around the clock , thinking it will help her, but I don't know...they think she is having gastric bleeding and today will do a colonoscopy to find out.  You can imagine how much fun it's been so far, with her jailers trying to force her to drink a gallon of that sodium bicarb/electrolyte stuff they make you drink to take that test.  I am weary.

  It's thundering out there...the sort of rolling thunder that you don't associate with an actual storm. A soft rain falling, as the Irish say. It was storming all night, I woke up at 4 AM to lightning and pouring rain and jumped out of bed to close windows. There are only 2 windows where the rain actually comes in--one over my sink and one in our bedroom. I had already closed down the one in the office here, because it actually got cold in here last night as I was on the computer and listening to my new John Prine and Joan Baez cds that came in the mail. At any rate, today feels like a chili or hearty soup day, more than a quiche and salad day.  lol

  I had a flashback melancholy outburst last night in here, listening to all that old music. Late 60's and early 70's...thinking about my life and the "girl I used to be". Thinking about lost loves and thrown away lives and all the flotsam and jetsam that goes with the woulda, coulda, shoulda's.  Joan singing "Jesse"...John singing "Hello in there"...remembering the youthful energy I had for protesting and marching and trying to make a difference in the world. And then Louisey posts about the DeepGreenResistance this morning and I am undone. **From DGR...."So while DGR is about fighting back, in the end this movement is about love. The songbirds and the salmon need your heart, no matter how weary, because even a broken heart is still made of love. They need your heart because they are disappearing, slipping into that longest night of extinction, and the resistance is nowhere in sight. We will have to build that resistance from whatever comes to hand: whispers and prayers, history and dreams, from our bravest words and braver actions. It will be hard, there will be a cost, and in too many implacable dawns it will seem impossible. But we will have to do it anyway. So gather your heart and join with every living being. With love as our First Cause, how can we fail?" 

And still...every now and then I see sparks of the ideology and passion I once had for things like this. Before I got old and gave up. And I still believe in saving the planet, and I still do small things...but I am very afraid that sometimes I fall into that lazy, it's no use anyway-place.  Getting on towards 60, I probably have a lot less to lose than ever before in my life...in terms of..what?  I don't even know what I'm talking about. Trying to keep my focus on my own little piece of ground and at least save my own ass, even if I can't save the world. Doing small things with great love, I tell myself.  shit.

  Well. This is not the direction I intended for the blog to go this morning. Funny how that happens. Funny how the older I get and the more comfortable I get in my own skin, the more important things seem. Not more important than checking on the chickens in the rain, and I guiess I'd better get out there and maybe get this computer turned off, as the sturm und drang seems to be getting more violent by the minute.

  Later daze, kids....



DJan said...

Wow, that quote from DGR really got to me, too. Heading over there after this comment. How hard it is to keep my heart from getting all hardened because of feeling unable to stop, or even stem, the tide of destruction in the world.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

I may be a day late or so, but Happy Birthday dear heart!! I hope that 21 is just as amazing as day one! Much love to you!
xox G

fullfreezer said...

OH DEAR! Was it your birthday?!! And I missed it. I do hope you had a lovely, happy birthday! We had rain here this morning. And more to come, it seems. sigh...
What a powerful quote from DGR. Thanks for sharing.

Akannie said...

Judy...not my birthday-birthday, but my sobriety birthday. I celebrated 21 years without a drink on the 12th. But thanks!! lol It's been storming dreadfully here all nioght again too!

Rita said...

So funny! I come to your blog and I am making spinach quiche for dinner tonight! ;)

I hope your Altzheimers patient isn't quite as stressful today. That is so hard when they don't remember and understand what's going on and why. A test of your patience, to say the least.

I've noticed a few bloggers thinking about who they used to be vs. who they are now. Doing small things with great love IS monumental. :)

When I was young, passionate, protesting, and idealistic--when we wanted things to be different or better--well, a lot of that was fueled by underlying anger and judgment. Unhappiness. Not being able to see the world as it really is--light and shadow--and to love it anyway.

To be content to know that each small thing we do, each small choice we make in life is like a ripple in the pond of change. Smile at the checkout girl, give something away, love someone who hates you, forgive someone who has hurt you...more love and less anger and judgment--that IS monumental!!

Smile! Have a loving day. :):)

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I also too often go to the lazy, it's no use anyway-place. I totally get that.

We've been having sort of fall-like weather here in Ohio. My body is confused. Last night, I had turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes for dinner.

Strange days, as Lennon once said.

Love you,