Just got off the phone with someone whose opinion doesn't matter that much to me. lol Giving me hell because I have chosen to not go to the memorial service for my dear friend Dick, who died last week. I listened to her rant and chastise and try to shame me into going. I have chosen to not go for a couple of reasons, which are really no one else's business. But because I feel the need to defend my actions constantly (for some reason) I am going to tell you why. 1) I am tired and still recovering from this bug. Because I have missed so much PT, my knee and back are hurting again and the only way to get into this church where they are holding the service is UP about 200 steps. 2) Today is also my niece's baby shower, which has been planned since February. I am helping with it and cannot miss it. It starts at 1:30...the service runs from 11-2...I live 35 minutes away from all of it. 3) I hate these things. I really do. I have experienced so much death in my world that the whole thing exhausts me. I didn't really know his family , met one or 2 of his boys once. I have already said my goodbyes to HIM. And I know that he would completely understand my not going. That's all I would care about. 4) Because today, I get to make decisions about my own life based on my own needs.
At the end of the phone conversation, I felt like I had been sucker punched. That made me angry, at both of us. I finally said it was none of her business what I did and please don't ever call me and do this again. Then I hung up the phone. So there. And I can't figure out why I'm letting it affect me like it is. I am sad he is gone. I am glad he's not suffering anymore. I don't believe in the "waiting on heavens shores" stuff that lots of people find comfort in. Neither did he. I hope that the people who go today find solace and comfort in each others presence there. I am reminded of the lovely poem that I read at my dad's memorial service called Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
Mary Elizabeth Frye (1905-2004)
~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**
It's a beautiful morning out there...still a little chilly, and we had a light frost last night. But the temps are working their way up to the mid to high 50's, and the sun is shining and the birds are singing. The skies are blue. Couldn't ask for a prettier day. And if the weather people are worth their weight in salt, this is supposed to be the final cold snap and now we really ARE on our way to spring. lol I hope so. It broke my heart to have to turn the furnace back on.
I made a couple of batches of some snacks for the shower last night. I got the baby shower card made. I got a gift card to go with the as yet unfinished baby quilt I am making for Baby Aiden. I might get some laundry going, OR I might just wait until tomorrow and hang it all outside on a day that I don't have anything else going on. Warmer tomorrow and warmer overnight. I wouldn't mind running my vacuum cleaner today, and that may or may not happen. It needs running, but I need some down time too. I had to go to do a little shopping yesterday and was only gone for about an hour, but I'm telling you, I felt like I needed to come home and just go to bed. The Irishman suggested we go out last night to dinner and a movie, and I suggested we just go to dinner and see. Sure enough, by the time I finished eating and we got back in the car, I just wanted to come home. I'm not nearly as much fun as I used to be.
The potatoes are going in the ground tomorrow. Assuming it stays dry and things dry out some. We've got them all cut and hardening off. My seedlings are staying nicely moist in the toilet paper roll/straw and dirt planting cups. The chickweed (much to my hens delight) is taking over the backyard. All the little Spring Beauties and Violets are blooming like crazy. The cherry tree is starting to flower, the peach is leafing out, and everything is ridiculously green. The grass needs mowing, but I think Mr. Green Jeans took the mower apart to see what parts he needed to buy for the tune-up, so that's not happening. lol
The flooding around here is crazy. I guess the Mighty Mississippi is ready to breach her banks to, as the thawing snow and extra water makes it's way south. On the way to Edwardsville yesterday the Cahokia Creek has overflowed to where it looks like a lake. Our little Macoupin Creek is starting to recede, but the water is still high, just not over the bridge, thankfully. All the surrounding area is full.
Springtime in the Midwest. The farmers are always in a quandary this time of year, worrying that they aren't planting early enough, or late enough, or is it dry enough or is it wet enough. Sheesh. Like life isn't stressful enough...lol
I guess I better get something done here because it won't be long before I have to be at a party, welcoming a new life into this crazy world. I'm still in my pajamas (you know me too well, lol) and have about a 2 hour window before I have to leave.
Have a great Saturday everyone. This morning I sat out on the porch with my coffee and listened to the birds sing. It was glorious. If you have that opportunity, I'd certainly recommend it.
Namaste.
8 comments:
And now I miss the lovely porch I had at home! I am glad you have a porch to sit on Annie.
I hate going to a visitation or funeral. Good for you for standing your ground!!
HUGS!!
I applaud you for honoring your recently deceased friend in your own way.
I've never been able to understand people who try to tell you what you should do. That person is not you; you are not that person. We are all individuals and should be allowed to be our own person. If you ask advice of someone else, that's another story. But for another person to try to direct your life . . . I hope I've reached an age and maturity where I can just. close. them. out. Politely, of course. Or at least I try. ;o)
Oh dear - you shouldn't have to justify your reason for not going - A simple "I can't go today." should do it. Yes girl - you do need some down time to be spent however you choose. The shower should be fun, so go and enjoy that.
Well, I'm glad you wrote it all down and can look at it and understand that YOU are the one who needs to make your own decisions. Congratulations to you for not letting yourself be bullied. And enjoy that shower! :-)
I'm sorry about your friend. You have had a lot of loss... it's hard.
I understand about letting other people's negativity effect you. Sometimes it just gets hard wired into us to react that way. You will breath yourself out of it. You done good!
Have fun at the shower, and keep your focus on the joy of it.
xoxo
Thank God for our blogs where we can blast it all out and get it out of our systems huh! I am so glad you are respecting yourself and doing it your way. By reading this I am feeling encouraged to do the same for myself in a similar situation. Thanks for sharing Annie.
The situation that you dealt with on the phone is a perfect example why I tend to stick to myself. I'm not particulary good at close friendships. I am compassionate and generous, but terribly impatient with others and their 'expectations.' I hear that kind of BS out of people and want to tell them to leave me the fuck alone. It reads like you handled it well. Stood up for yourself.
Going to the planned baby shower was the right thing to do, even if he and you believed in the waiting on heaven's shore bit. Just send the family a card and be done with that. I would cool it with this friend who berated you. Don't be the first to call her or make friendly contact if you see her whereever you see her.
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