Saturday, April 20, 2013

Oh well...

     (But it helps).

Just got off the phone with someone whose opinion doesn't matter that much to me. lol Giving me hell because I have chosen to not go to the memorial service for my dear friend Dick, who died last week.  I listened to her rant and chastise  and try to shame me into going.  I have chosen to not go for a couple of reasons, which are really no one else's business.  But because I feel the need to defend my actions constantly (for some reason)  I am going to tell you why.  1) I am tired and still recovering from this bug. Because I have missed so much PT, my knee and back are hurting again and the only way to get into this church where they are holding the service is UP about 200 steps.  2)  Today is also my niece's baby shower, which has been planned since February. I am helping with it and cannot miss it. It starts at 1:30...the service runs from 11-2...I live 35 minutes away from all of it.  3) I hate these things. I really do.  I have experienced so much death in my world that the whole thing exhausts me. I didn't really know his family , met one or 2 of his boys once. I have already said my goodbyes to HIM.  And I know that he would completely understand my not going.  That's all I would care about. 4) Because today, I get to make decisions about my own life based on my own needs.

  At the end of the phone conversation,  I felt like I had been sucker punched. That made me angry, at both of us. I finally said it was none of her business what I did and please don't ever call me and do this again. Then I hung up the phone. So there.  And I can't figure out why I'm letting it affect me like it is. I am sad he is gone. I am glad he's not suffering anymore. I don't believe in the  "waiting on heavens shores" stuff that lots of people find comfort in. Neither did he.  I hope that the people who go today find solace and comfort in each others presence there.  I am reminded of the lovely poem that I read at my dad's memorial service called Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep 

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

  I guess I better get something done here because it won't be long before I have to be at a party, welcoming a new life into this crazy world.  I'm still in my pajamas (you know me too well, lol) and  have about a 2 hour window before I have to leave. 

  Have a great Saturday everyone.  This morning I sat out on the porch with my coffee and listened to the birds sing. It was glorious. If you have that opportunity, I'd certainly recommend it.



Beth said...

And now I miss the lovely porch I had at home! I am glad you have a porch to sit on Annie.

I hate going to a visitation or funeral. Good for you for standing your ground!!


Mama Pea said...

I applaud you for honoring your recently deceased friend in your own way.

I've never been able to understand people who try to tell you what you should do. That person is not you; you are not that person. We are all individuals and should be allowed to be our own person. If you ask advice of someone else, that's another story. But for another person to try to direct your life . . . I hope I've reached an age and maturity where I can just. close. them. out. Politely, of course. Or at least I try. ;o)

Mariodacatsmom said...

Oh dear - you shouldn't have to justify your reason for not going - A simple "I can't go today." should do it. Yes girl - you do need some down time to be spent however you choose. The shower should be fun, so go and enjoy that.

DJan said...

Well, I'm glad you wrote it all down and can look at it and understand that YOU are the one who needs to make your own decisions. Congratulations to you for not letting yourself be bullied. And enjoy that shower! :-)

Petit fleur said...

I'm sorry about your friend. You have had a lot of loss... it's hard.

I understand about letting other people's negativity effect you. Sometimes it just gets hard wired into us to react that way. You will breath yourself out of it. You done good!

Have fun at the shower, and keep your focus on the joy of it.

Annette said...

Thank God for our blogs where we can blast it all out and get it out of our systems huh! I am so glad you are respecting yourself and doing it your way. By reading this I am feeling encouraged to do the same for myself in a similar situation. Thanks for sharing Annie.

Anonymous said...

The situation that you dealt with on the phone is a perfect example why I tend to stick to myself. I'm not particulary good at close friendships. I am compassionate and generous, but terribly impatient with others and their 'expectations.' I hear that kind of BS out of people and want to tell them to leave me the fuck alone. It reads like you handled it well. Stood up for yourself.

Linda said...

Going to the planned baby shower was the right thing to do, even if he and you believed in the waiting on heaven's shore bit. Just send the family a card and be done with that. I would cool it with this friend who berated you. Don't be the first to call her or make friendly contact if you see her whereever you see her.