Just be-ing. Or not. Sigh...
I have a marvelous collection of all these wonderful thoughts and graphics and good advice, but none of them ever really seem to come to mind when I am drowning in the mundane. Because I think I've decided that's what's happening...no big things. No catastrophic events. Just...old, and achy and emotional. I must have cried a little about 3 different times yesterday thinking about little Roxie. I need to go to my car and clean the passenger side window, because he little prints are still all over it. I was sitting out in the back yard in the sun, looking at the garden beds, and was suddenly overcome with tears at the thought that she won't be digging this year. Yesterday morning I called out to Caylee "Let's go get those chickens!" and immediately teared up...because it was little Roxie I always said that to, to take her out for her morning constitutional. Every morning, come rain or shine, for over a year.
I keep mentally chastising myself to just stop it. Shake it off. Suck it up. Whatever it takes. Scarily, I am starting to look at puppies. Daschund puppies. I really don't want another dog. I have 3. But I am feeling temporarily insane. (At least, I hope it's temporary).
And yet, here I sit. The weather is all grey and funky again today. Yesterday was pretty nice and got up to 60. At least we are not being hurtled from spring to summer this year, like we did last year. Spring-ish weather is coming and going, and though I don't think it is supposed to get real cold again, the night temps are down in the high 40's. I was able to open up the house yesterday for a good part of the day and let the fresh air in. Today is supposed to be 62, so I guess I will do it again today. That always helps. I only have 2 little things on my agenda this morning, and thought I would spend the rest of the day working on some projects around here. Maybe. Or maybe I'll just curl up with a good book and just BE. :)
The boy took down the dead tree in the backyard yesterday. He and the Irishman have been talking about taking it down, and I keep resisting because the woodpeckers LOVE that tree, and I love woodpeckers. My back yard has been full of Red headed woodpeckers, Red bellied woodpeckers, Downey woodpeckers, Ladderback woodpeckers, and an occasional Pileated woodpecker. I kept telling the Irishman that he shouldn't do it by himself. The boy did it by himself. While I was out to lunch with my cousin. With no protective eyewear or ear plugs. Sigh...what IS it with these men ?? They both kept saying that the tree was going to come down in a big storm--did I want it to fall on and destroy my garden? I thought it looked WAY more solid than that. (Turns out, I was right). Anyway, he took it down, it started to fall the wrong way, he corrected that and it fell and broke my wooden swing (he called me at lunch to tell me, and to assure me that he will repair it) and a flower pot on Roxie's grave. I told him not to worry...I got that swing and frame it is in for about 15 dollars at a yard sale. Apparently he had moved the swing out of the way (he thought). Sigh...when I asked him about the condition of the tree, he said it was a lot more solid than he thought. Grrrr...So, now I have a huge tree down across my backyard. He took all the branches off it, but is going to borrow his cousins big chainsaw to do the trunk, because the little one we have isn't up to the job. And I'm trying to remember that I am not in charge of everything. That I can let this go and trust that it is down because it needed to come down (it has been shedding limbs and branches every time there's a storm. And it was dead.) and that I don't need to obsess about it one more minute.
It looks to be lightening up a little out there. Don't think it is supposed to rain today, but probably tomorrow. But cloudy nonetheless. Last night's moon was over the top. Did you see it ?
Alright. I need to go to the next town up the road (maybe 12 miles away) and cash in on another good sale at a small local market. And fill my gas tank, as gas there is about 15 cents a gallon cheaper, for some reason. That's not a lot of money in a little tank like mine, but every little bit counts. And then come home and settle in for the duration. Work a little, rest a little (for some reason my knee was killing me last night) and put things in perspective.
I think the lilacs are blooming...