Thursday, January 19, 2012

A strange day...

  It started out strange and it got stranger still in the middle, and now it's ending up...well, strange.

  I woke up tired. I was up at the butt crack of dawn, thanks to sundry and assorted animals whining and meowing and squawking.  I stayed up and cleaned the kitchen and came in and got on the computer. I was out of sorts from the minute I came out of the bedroom.  I cleaned up 2 pee spots and had to fill the dry-as-a-bone water dish in the kitchen, before cleaning up the dishes from his majesty's breakfast. The toaster was out, the butter was out...oh, YOU know.

  And it just was downhill from there.

  At about 10 AM, I decided to watch television.  It was so cold today, about 17, that the dogs didn't want to stay out for very long, so they were in and out, in and out.  I watched a very good movie starring Timothy Hutton called Multiple Sarcasms...all about a guy who is married and has a child and is an architect...wakes up one day and realizes he hates his life.  See it if you can find was good.  When it was over there was nothing for me to do but go back to bed. I had nothing on my agenda except a 4 PM appointment at the vets office for Molly to get her shots. I was in bed at noon and slept until after 2:30. I got up and got dressed and took the dog to the vet (60 miles round trip). The 4 o'clock appointment got hijacked by a woman with a very sick cat, who took up WAY more than her allotted time slot. The vet didn't see us until almost 4:45.  I spent that time walking the JRT (Jack Russell Terrorist)  around the building, through the rooms where the feed and supplies are stored, --basically anywhere to keep her away from the other dogs in the waiting room.  She was actually being good, for the most part, but she really cannot be trusted. Plus, there were 3 little yapper/Yorkie kinds of dogs, which are way too tempting for her. It was after 5 by the time we finished and we lit out of there like our ass was on fire. I still had to stop by the market before getting home to make supper for the Irishman.  Vegetarian meal night and I had no idea what I was going to do.

  We made it home with no vomiting or too much of anything extreme happening, except that the dog was whining and wanted me to pet her constantly the whole way home.  Not easy keeping your hand on a dog while you drive through rush hour traffic. (OK--rush hour traffic might be a bit of an exaggeration for Litchfield, IL...but people were going home from work....)

  I came home and made big fluffy vegetable omelets for supper with a nice mixed green salad on the side. A little raspberry walnut vinaigrette dressing and we were in business.  Then, about an hour after we ate, I went back in the kitchen and cleaned up. Then I made big soft buttermilk sweet biscuits to use for peach shortcakes for dessert. Opened a jar of home canned peaches and dumped them on the warm biscuits and topped with whipped cream. It was delicious. 

  We watched tv for about 3 and a half hours...too long for my old crippled body to sit in one place. My back aches and my shoulders are tight and my neck is getting stiff again. (BTW--3 or 4 days ago, I had a BAD stiff neck and shoulders for several days running...husband had to rub me down every night. Then there was an earthquake about 50 miles from here in a St. Jacob. It was small, as 'quakes go...only a 2.5. But when it was over, the neck and shoulder pain went away. This is what happens to me when there is a change in the earth's magnetic field, I think.)   Anyway, I'm stiffening up and wondering today if I should see about getting checked for joints and bones hurt all the time it seems like.

  And now, here I am.  A group of people I know and have gotten together with and had out to my house on numerous occasions...are all together down in Key West.  And I couldn't go. And I am feeling sorry for myself tonight. And lonely. And in a mood. And I hate when I get like this, because it colors everything.   The shit that starts running through my head is poisonous and deceptive and irrational. And I feel like that little girl from the wrong side of town that nobody picked for teams and never fit in and always did and said all the wrong things.  The one that never had the right clothes and never had the right toys and could never quite stack up. Never tall enough, or smart enough or good enough.  And I think nobody cares if I got to go to Key West or not and my one friend here doesn't really care about being my friend enough to even call before she leaves town for 3 months.  And I don't know how this happens. That I can go from 0 to 60 in a few short hours and suddenly nothing in my life is right.  And I sit here and tears trickle down my face and I wish things were different. 

  Boo Hoo.  I can almost hear a whispering "This too shall pass".  I know that I need to be a little more compassionate and honest with myself about some things.  I am tired and my body hurts and the cold makes it even worse. Living with chronic pain is no picnic. Ten and a half years ago my whole world shifted.  You'd think I'd be used to it by now.

  Tomorrow is a new day and things will probably look a lot better.  Being in this place is a hard thing for an optimist. Pollyannas like me have a worse time with fleeting depression than you'd think.  And maybe it isn't even depression--maybe I'm just sad. Or tired.  Or not spending enough time in a grateful spiritual practice.

  When I do take the time to look for the things I have to be grateful for, and not spend so much time cursing all the things I DON'T have...I am a pretty happy girl.  Feeling sorry for myself is like sitting in a pool of ICK...I don't like the way it feels and the longer I sit in it, the harder it is to get out of it.  There was a time when I used drugs and alcohol to change the way I felt at the drop of a hat.  These days, I have to sit with it and feel it and watch it walk  on through.  I have to deliberately live my life in a manner that creates an attitude of gratitude...if I want to be happy.  It's not hard.

  But today has been a strange day and it feels as though the planets are in retrograde, or my neurons aren't firing in the correct order.  And I am powerless to stop the backwards regression of my otherwise sunny personality.  LOL  So off to bed I will go. Sleep, hopefully, will put me out of harms way and cause this nasty mind of mine to stop the torment for a few hours.  And when I wake up to another cold morning, full of love and critters and aches and pains....maybe I'll be able to see things through a different pair of glasses. 

  Or maybe I'll just pull the quilts up over my head and refuse to come out.




Cloudia said...

moods come and go like weather!

just looks for slightly better feeling/thought and things improve. . .

Aloha from Waikiki
Comfort Spiral

> < } } ( ° >

Rita said...

"Pollyannas like me have a worse time with fleeting depression than you'd think." I hear you! And you're right, it's maybe not even depression, but when we get off kilter we can really go spinning off into space.

You'll be feeling better soon. Could be just another quake coming. Even the dogs were off.

I know what you mean about living in endless pain. It can get to optimists and Pollyannas, too. ;) Can knock us off the track for a while. You'll be back to feeling the love soon. I have faith in you, my fellow Pollyanna. :):)

Oh, and I put that movie in my Netflix queue. Thanks! ;)

DJan said...

That Pollyanna line was right up my alley, too. I'm never sure what to do with depression when it hits, and it does, it happens to everybody. My guys says the same thing: I just crumble and don't know how to act.

I am sending you positive energy and commiserating with you and your furry friends about the cold. Hopefully when you read this your life is feeling more like your own and not somebody else's. :-)

Rubye Jack said...

Hopefully you're feeling a bit better now Annie. When I first started reading this post I thought this is very different for Annie because usually you have a million things you've done or doing or going to do, and I thought how different this is. So, maybe having a whole day with only watching TV for the most part caused depression to sneak in. It does always seem to past if we can hang in there. So, this too shall pass?
Love you!

Beth said...

Bless you Annie. I know what pain is too. I have osteoarthritis all over. I have had back surgery, etc. No meds allowed for me because I have kidney disease. I do hope you don't have RA because the symptoms of that are much worse than OA.

I will put you on my prayer list. Things will get better for you.

I am going to check and see if that movie is showing on my cable.

LindaM said...

Oh Annie
What a terrible day. But you know, you seemed to recognize that your mind was playing tricks on you and that is good. I do relate-big time actually. I know what chronic pain can do to the mind.
I read your next post so I know that you are okay again.