Friday, fulfilled...

These are the clematis flowers that grow near my front door. I have lots of flowers around my place and I'm really grateful for the beauty and peace they bring to my life.

I'm blessed to be out in the country, away from the air and noise pollution of city life.

I'm grateful that I can walk out my back door and pick enough food for dinner.

How cool is it that there are over 30 hummingbirds around my front porch at any given time this time of year?

I'm ever so grateful that they told me to write a gratitude list every day when I was new.

I'm ever so grateful I listened to them.



I'm glad there's a queen sized bed with a pillow topped mattress waiting for me at the end of the hall...and all I have to do is turn off this computer and walk there.

Right now.

Good Night.


Namaste.

Tweakin' Tuesday...

My little Aladog...Miss Molly McGee....


Lordy, what a day. A day full of people in trouble, crises, and tears and heartbreak.

Thankfully, I have been able to be there for them. One ensconced in the lavender guest room. One in jail. One sleeping off an emotional hangover. One day of this is enough to last me a lifetime... I am very tired, but so wound up I can't sleep. I have been in a position to hand out everything from Kleenex to hugs to BB pages to read. I have prayed, I have held hands and I have watched movies and ate macaroni and cheese comfort food. I have extended my hands and my heart and my home to some people in need.

I can't ever recall a day quite like this one. Lots of talk of patience and acceptance and trusting that things will turn out exactly the way they are supposed to. Undoubtably things that I needed to hear as well.

I went to a meeting last night with 4 of my sponslings. One was a shaky, hurting relapser. The topic was out of As Bill Sees It, on A New Life. Certainly glad I was there for it. Tomorrow night I will go to another meeting where a friend of mine is getting her 6 year coin. I wouldn't miss it for the world. On Friday at noon, another good friend is celebrating 20 years. Miracles and blessings abound.

Sometimes my life gets almost boring...everything on an even keel, no waves, sailing smoothly along. And then there are days like this, where I pray for guidance and hope I can say the right things and do the right things and not make anything worse than it already is. Emotional distress is almost harder for people to deal with than physical trauma, I think. I know it is for me. But if we can just hold on and not drink or use to ease the pain, we have half a chance to get through it. And more than once today I said "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." I have a lot of prayers to say tonight for a few people. Prayers for acceptance, prayers for relief from fear, and prayers for patience.

I am grateful to be sober today. To have MY life and not somebody else's. To know that if I am in trouble, there are things I can do. To share my Experience (I have lots!), my Strength (I have that too!) and my Hope (and this is the big one!). To touch another human being and let them know that, no matter what, if they can get through the trials and not drink, everything WILL be alright.

I am so thankful for every last drink I took. For every big mistake I have ever made. And for the truth of my life today: I never have to do this alone. Ever.


Namaste.

MIndfull Mondays

On my 14 th AA birthday, we went to Founders Day. My sobriety date is June 12, 1990. That year(2004), they were preparing to open the Gate House on the Seiberling Estate, to the public. We went up and took pictures sitting on the stoop of the place where Bill W and Dr. Bob met for the first time. It felt like an historic event, at least for me. Going to Akron, Ohio for the first time is something no one should miss. For me it was almost like a holy day, lol...there were thousands of people there for Founders Day. It was crazy. Luckily, I am blessed with good friends who live in Akron, so we got to see everything from the perspective of residents. Sober residents, mind you. All the back streets and the cool stuff the week before everyone showed up, so we were free to peruse the city. The hospital and the Sister Ignatia wing. Dr. Bob's house. The Akron Intergoup Office. The cemetery where his grave is, where the big bikers parade goes every year on FD. Later on the weekend, we got to look at the archives display that was up. It was all so incredible. I celebrated my birthday there at a meeting in Akron, and got my coin. I will never forget it.

When I was about 15 minutes sober I went to an AA campout. It was so much fun being with other sober people, doing one of the things I dreaded because I always did it so drunk. I had a ball. When I was 2 years sober, I went to the 32nd annual AA convention in Hawaii. I felt God in that room at the Waikiki Sheraton, when about 3000 of us stood in a circle and held hands for the Lord's Prayer. Every year I attended conferences and conventions, dances and potlucks, campouts and picnics. I have traveled around this country attending AA functions of various kinds. I have met sober friends of Bill from all over the world. I start almost every morning chatting via internet with a sober friend from Australia. As I'm starting my day, she's getting ready for bed. She's physically housebound for the most part, and it is imperative that she be in contact with other alcoholics, just like it is for me. I adore her, and consider her one of my favorite people, even though we have never met face to face. We have a common bond. I am actively involved in my own sobriety. I have been able to stand by friends going through severe health issues, deaths of spouses, loss of children. I have been able to be there for struggling newcomers and open my heart and my home to them as well. I have had crowds of sober people in my home for spaghetti dinners and board games, bbqs and Christmas parties. I have been able to provide a place for people in a recovery home to go during the holidays, when they had nowhere to go, and be family to ones who have no other family.

I have been blessed beyond measure with a richness and fullness that I would never have believed possible. Today someone called me up just to say how much they loved me and how blessed they were that I was their sponsor. Understand this: these kinds of things DO NOT happen to people like me. None of this stuff. It is the absolute gracious blessings in my life that make it possible for a low bottom drunk like me to live a life of joy and usefulness. A desperate, hopeless condition of mind and body has been transformed into a loving and helpful human being that sits at this keyboard tonight. This was made possible by the love of a bunch of drunks for another drunk. It was made possible by these 12 Steps. It was made possible by the peace of God which surpasses ALL my understanding.

Today, I am glad to be the woman I am. I don't care to be anyone else, I am not jealous of any other life.

Today I am grateful. And today, I am Especially Blessed. And I am in love with Alcoholics Anonymous...forever.


Namaste.

Simple Saturdays

Ahhhh...it's been a long day! Nothing really extreme going on, just a long day. Those things happen from time to time... Having to face the fact that I am totally addicted to eating Good&Plentys while I am on the computer at night. I love those things! And before I know it, I've eaten the whole box. Guess I have to stop buying them...I love anything black licorice... Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. Morning meeting, 4:30 meeting to see a friend pick up his 3 year coin, and then possibly another nighttime meeting. Have a sponsling at the house this weekend. She needs some good old fashioned dunking into meetings while she has 3 days off. We're also meeting a new sponsling I have just agreed to take on...a sweet young gay man who is having a time of it. I generally adhere to the women with women unspoken spoken rule. But this boy is about as female a female gets, except for his paraphenalia. lol Anyway, he asked me and I agreed. We'll meet at the meeting tomorrow evening. I've been talking with him on the phone awhile now....his last sponsor (and first sponsor) is unavailable to him now, due to health problems. SO, we'll give it a whirl and see how it goes. As always, I am quite sure that God has a plan. I was thinking today of the blessings in my life. A friend has an underage daughter who flipped a car with 3 passengers in it, driving while drunk. The law is throwing the book at her. This kid has been getting into scrapes and brushes with the law, and getting her cute little butt bailed out over and over. Not this time. I told her mother, this is a mixed blessing. She will probably lose her license forever this time...3 counts of drunk driving, one Class 4 felony, and reckless endangerment. She is pretty beat up as well, a broken collarbone and bruises and sprains. God bless all the little drunks out there that still think they are 10 ft tall and bulletproof! 2 of the kids are still hospitalized, 1 has been released. Luckily, no one was killed. The folks who live back behind us, across the pond, have a son 25 who was driving drunk and killed someone. He is in prison and will be there for a long time. And for the rest of his life he will have to live with that woman's death on his hands. The miracle is that of the thousands of times I was driving while intoxicated, I never hurt or killed anyone. Well, I hurt myself a few times, but no one else. And here's the thing: I never ever would hurt another human being. But over and over again, without even considering the possibilities, I got behind the wheel of a car thinking I was okay to drive. And I'm sure that both of these kids above feel the same way. But it's too late now for them both. There are commercials on the radio here that say "Buzz driving IS drunk driving." Emphasizing that if you just had a couple to give you that buzz, you are over the legal limit to drive. It says something like: It's easy too tell when you've had way too much to drink. But not so easy when you just had a few and are barely buzzed. The legal limit for drinking and driving is a lot lower than you think. Maybe it'll make some of these kids think. Hey--it could happen... I'm grateful to have a kid that's sober and clean. I'm blessed to be sober myself. I appreciate the fact that I only have to stay sober today. I am grateful for all those "scouts"...the ones coming back in with all the arrows in their backs, telling me that it hasn't gotten any better out there. I'm really really grateful that I don't have to be one of them. I'm blessed to be a sober mom and wife and sister and aunt. I have a niece who seems to be training for her seat in AA these days. I'll be here to open the door for her. Life's a dance....when you know the Steps! Namaste.

Another Wicked Wednesday

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I am being nibbled to death by the 7 Dwarves of menopause, for some reason...especially itchy and sweaty. And I cannot sleep and so I guess I'm gonna try one of those over the counter remedies for the insomnia and hot flashes and night sweats. First thing tomorrow. This is crazy.

Maybe it's TMI (too much information) but I don't care. lol For crying out loud, I had a hysterectomy over 20 years ago. Is this s&^t EVER going to stop ???? I've been going through this for 2 decades. There oughtta be a law....


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Ah....and back to the pleasant part of our program.....teehee...

There are now NO signs of the blue pipe...it's all been laid to rest and covered up. My husband moved the stake so that they will dig a straight trench to the water hookups for the house. Apparently they will actually bring it to within 5 feet of the house. That will save us a LOT of $$ with the plumber. I guess he talked to the water people today on his lunch hour. However...I am skeptical about it, as you have to really look to see where he moved it, and the guy has already been up and down our driveway several times. I hope that I'm home the next time he comes, just in case. The thing is, I KNOW men....they can't even find their clean socks in the clean socks drawer. And I am afraid he's hidden it too well out there...even if the guy is an engineer type. *grin


I made juice today for the next 5 days. And made an incredible mess as well. lol It's just a messy job, there's no getting around it. Cucumbers, celery, carrots, red apples, pineapple and lemons. Tastes quite yummy. The clean-up afterwards is especially tough with no running water. But, as usual, I managed it. Supper tonight was....rice and romano cheese and oregano and butter stuffed baked zucchini with a medley of garden veggies: green beans, okra, carrots, peppers and mushrooms. I also dug and steamed some fingerling potatoes, served hot with butter and fresh ground black pepper. I'm still full....and it's almost midnight. lol

Lost my checkbook back on the first of the month, and didn't realize it until today. It dropped as I was getting in the car at Pappy's Market, and only had my old house phone number on the checks, so he couldn't figure out how to call me, he said, and was just waiting for me to come in again for dogfood...he knew that wouldn't be long. lol We only have cell numbers now, and they aren't listed anywhere...

Time for me to count my blessings, count some sheep and try to get about 5 hours sleep before I have to get my day going. Just got a call from the hysterical mother of the hysterical sponsee (who, according to mom, is drunk again and off on a motorcycle with some guy). I said, Uh, excuse me--it's 11:45 PM...what do you think I am going to do? I'm going to bed, and suggest you do the same. lol

Thank goodness, I don't have to live that insane drunken life ever again. Thank goodness I have built a support system of women that I listen to and can talk to when life gets crazy. Thank Goodness I have solutions that exceed the power of scotch.

Thank goodness....


Namaste.

Tuesdays twitterings

Several days of stormy and not quite raining days. We need a drink badly...the gardens are looking stressed, and we've no way to water them just now. Today, however, is looking promising. I see spatters of drops even now, and should probably be considering unplugging the electrical stuff.
I am blessed--they are laying the water pipe along our road. The serenity out here is cut short by the equipment they have brought to dog trenches and unload pipe. But I can live with it for a bit. One Day At A Time I can stand the noise to have running water. It's my new meditation. lol

I forget how quiet it is out here...until it isn't....or until I go into town to visit a friend. I am awed by the way people who live in cities don't even hear all that racket. Immune to it, I suppose, as a result of being hammered at constantly. It offends my sensibilities. lol

I've been searching my bookshelves for a book that I KNOW I have..and cannot find. I only have 6 bookshelves, for crying out loud. You'd think I could find one little book. It's called the Ken of Atta.... I have to do an opener at the class tonight and the session is on community. That's what I recall a great deal of that book being about....(though I could be mistaken-I haven't read it in 15 years.) lol I have some nice jazz playing on the stereo and am going to do a bit of sweeping up before I bake a peach pie. I have about 7 softball sized peaches off my tree and need to use them. They're gorgeous. Sweet and juicy.

Yesterday and this morning, I have been listening to a relapsed(ing) drunk cry and sob and be totally hysterical. As much compassion as I can muster, I nonetheless told her that she needed to grow up and that nobody ever died of a broken heart. For godssakes--she's been in an on again off again relationship with this guy for maybe 4 months. Maybe less. And she can't "take the pain"...And last night she hung up on me. This morning she called all apologetic, said he still hasn't come home, and started the sobbing all over again. She has to work at her new job this afternoon. I hope she doesn't blow that--jobs are hard to come by in these parts. I asked her if she was drunk, and she said NO. But I don't know if I believe her. She has an alcoholic habit of lying alot. lol I gave her some very explicit instructions about getting on her knees and asking God for help, and she said something like The darkness of Satan is covering me...(all the while sobbing hysterically) and I said NO--the darkness of DRUNKENNESS is covering you. STOP DRINKING!!!!! OR--do whatever you want. If you want to throw away everything you were just telling me yesterday morning (before the fateful event of HIM being 20 minutes late coming home from work) that God has given you since you got sober, by all means, keep drinking. You are grown and ou can do whatever you want. All the while she's screaming IT HURTS SO BAD!!! Until I wish I had the car today, so I could go over and slap her. (And that, dear friends, is God doing for me what I cannot do for myself! lol) I just told her again to pray and ask God for help, and call me later this afternoon.

It's exhausting.

And I am grateful. Grateful for people who told me things like they didn't care what I was FEELING--they only cared what I was DOING. Grateful for the women who told me I wouldn't die because my marriage of 18 years was ending. Grateful for the people who said "God never closes one door without opening another." Blessed beyond measure for the people who showed me the way, no matter how stupid I acted. lol


Maybe I can help this one get back on track. Maybe I can't. But I will stay sober today.
And that's the miracle happening in my world today. That no matter what, I never have to drink again, if I don't want to. That there's nothing so big that my Creator and I can't manage it.



Namaste.

Saturday in the rain...

This picture is entitled "JOY".

I can feel that....the joy oozes out of vibrant colors. Joy is a companion of mine these days...and it sneaks up on me sometimes. Sometimes it is a subtle joy and sometimes it's a shout-out-loud joy.

The coolest thing about living a life of joy, is that you are always making exciting discoveries. Certain music evokes joy in my heart, like Handel's "Water Music". And "Suite for flute and jazz piano" which I adore. Sometimes it's a painting, or an old carefully crocheted doily that someones great grandmother made. Sometimes it's the blue of the sky. A few days ago I was sitting in the car waiting to leave when I saw a shooting star. I am always awed by those things. The sound of children laughing brings on a rash of joy for me. The velvety feel of a small puppys ears or the smell of lavender. The intricate dance of words in a poem or crafted into a book... Things that are somehow connected to my feelings and trigger a reaction almost every time I encounter them. It amazes me always the way the human mind works.

It's nearing the end of another day here on the Prairie. I have to get up early to go to a meeting and I am tired from a full day. I have a guest slumbering in the room next to me here, and Ifeel blessed to be able to provide a respite from time to time.

I have cats sleeping on my desk, doggies snoring at my feet. All well with the world...


Namaste.