Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Oh, gawd...not her again...

This piece of art is called "Circle Tradition"   I like it's vibrancy of colour, but even more I like the reminder that life is a circle...and when I can remember that I am part of that circle, I need never be alone.


  I like being part of the blogging world, little corner that I inhabit.  I like the personal relationships I have forged here, some close, others a little less so.  I like that I can come here and pour my heart out, or make you laugh or astound you with my domestic engineering skills. lol  I like that I can come here and be defended or be comforted or be schooled.  I have been blogging here since August of 2008...


 I thought today...no more of the gloom and doom  posts.  No more about my health or my sorrows. Just keep it light and fun and ...

  And then my phone rang.

 This morning a dear friend called me to tell me he has been diagnosed with cancer. A relatively (hopefully, usually) treatable cancer.  He is optimistic. I felt like I was punched in my already sore gut.  We talked for a long time... he will come through this with flying colors, I am sure.  That's just the kind of guy he is. One of the many many things I love about him.

  My reaction to this news was to go on a whirlwind cleaning tour of my desk and office and living room. 


This evening, I got another message that an old dear friend of mine in California, who had been diagnosed  some months back with terminal cancer (I cannot remember for the life of me right now what kind it was)  had taken his own life because the pain was too much and the meds weren't touching it anymore.  He sent his partner out and shot himself.  Typical solution for him...I wasn't surprised by it, necessarily. Just gobsmacked by the thought that I wouldn't get one more chance to see him or talk to him.  That he is gone.


  So, the Pollyanna post I had planned for tonight has gone awry.  Life kinda stepped in and snatched it away today.  However...this past week has seen babies being born, people getting married, people getting divorced, and people dying.  Birthing---living---dying.  All part of this Circle of Life.  And as I age, I'm sure to see even more of this, and be even more jolted by the face of death.  None of us get out of  this alive, I guess.  


  And Lori said it..." Head down, one foot in front of the other."  Grief does not kill us. Directly. It is just another part of this circle tradition.  It is a place where we learn the depth of our emotional core. The value of our lives. The strengths and weaknesses that we maybe didn't know we had. And the true connections we have to the people who wander into our lives, staying for a bit, and leaving. Always too soon.


I'm going to spend some time tonight in meditation, celebrating the life of a man who always put others first, who was there when I was new to this sober life, talking me off ledges, showing me how it was done.  A man who was constantly trying to get me to take one of his potbellied pigs. A man who lived his life in the most honest, truest fashion of anyone I'd ever known.  And now, I want to believe, is on to his next Great Adventure...(in the words of Buzz Lightyear)  Infinity and Beyond !!!!




Namaste.

11 comments:

Cloudia said...

bless us with your intention to be uplifting. that is the best revenge; and when you need to cry, cry your heart out. Tears the universal solvent. You, me and our blogging friends - we'll celebrate and eulogize TOGETHER!


ALOHA from Honolulu
Comfort Spiral
~ > < } } ( ° > <3

Akannie said...

Thank you, dear Cloudia...
indeed we will....

Blessings.


Beth said...

This post touched my heart Annie. I am so sorry you lost a friend and that he was in so much pain that he felt compelled to take his own life. One of my sisters had pancreatic cancer and the pain was like that. I can remember her begging me to help her get some more pain med. Life is hard but you are very tough Annie and you are much loved.

HUGS!!!!

Willow said...

I am sorry for your loss and grief . Perhaps lean into it just a bit in your meditation and find a core that can be healed in some way. Remembering that good friend, the gifts your friend brought to you and others while he lived here on Earth Find your peaceful place and you will give thanks for your life once more, allowing you to savor it one day at a time.
I totally love the vibrancy of the Circle Tradition. The circle of life encompasses so much.

DJan said...

Just yesterday I finished a book that was recommended by a blogger (I don't remember who) and it was all about loss and family. It has a happy ending if you want to get it at the library (Night Road by Kristin Hannah). I too cherish the family I've made through blogging and how much it enriches my life. Sometimes we have to write about what's on our minds, which is not all light and happiness... although I wish it were. I send you hugs and will light a candle for your friend.

Mama Pea said...

The way you are able to write makes me feel as if I know you. And how can you feel someone is a friend (even if only in Blogdom) if you don't know them? By putting down the bad along with the good (I don't think you'll ever lose your uplifting spirit) you are leaving a legacy for those who come next. I always enjoy your posts.

Mariodacatsmom said...

So sorry for your loss of a dear friend. Life is a cycle isn't it and we tend to forget that as we shuffle thru it. That is a beautiful piece of fabric full of meaning if you just take the time to look at it.

Akannie said...

Hello, everyone...

Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart.

I am sad at the loss of my friend, but not at his death. Does that make sense ? I do not see any point in needlessly suffering, EVER. I do not have a problem with anyone's right to choose how they leave this planet.

How blessed are we ? We all have beautiful souls that traipse through our lives, leaving behind footprints of love and compassion.

Happy Spring. A time of renewal..

Buttons said...

Infinity and beyond yes indeed. I am so sorry. Hug. B

Jerry E Beuterbaugh said...

It is a pretty cool illustration.

Mary LA said...

What a distressing transition to the vernal equinox you're having Annie! You're in my heart and thoughts.

Wasn't I your first reader when you began blogging? It is a great joy to be able to find community this way.