I am calling on those who have gone before me. Those stronger and wiser and better than I am at handling things that strike at me like a rattlesnake. Looking for comfort, looking for answers, looking for something to neutralize these poisonous feelings I am experiencing.
I have been absolutely livid tonight. Someone whose path intersects with mine FOR SOME UNGODLY REASON, has pushed me right to the edge of my sanity and tolerance. I am allowing anothers behavior to do this to me. That's the crazy part. I can't seem to lay it down and walk away.
Repeatedly, I have been infected by the fact that this person cannot be honest or truthful about almost anything. Perhaps because I am the adult child of an alcoholic and I grew up in a house where you never knew what was real or true from one day to the next. Perhaps because in the throes of my own disease of alcoholism, I was the biggest liar on the planet. Sometimes it was a game to see what I could get away with, sometimes it was spiteful and sometimes it was just because I couldn't tell the difference between the truth and a lie anymore. When you lie incessantly, about things you don't even NEED to lie about, the edges all blur together and it is impossible to discern fact from fiction.
My biggest voice [in my head] keeps saying "But yeah--this does affect me daily!!!" Somewhere else a voice whispers "Really? Why is that?"
The text tells me that anger is the dubious luxury of normal men. That it will kill me. I know that having a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other guy to die. And there are things I can do to deal with this.
I spent some time in meditation tonight, trying to quiet that monster of self righteous anger. It came to me that fear creates a brokenness in a person that causes negative behaviors to manifest. That all brokenness has the same underlying cause. Fear. Fear that one will lose something one has, or not get something one wants. And the answer to all fear is compassion. And Love. So, is my compassion not big enough to cover this? And if it is not, why?
So...what do I do to enter this arena I find myself in, with some obvious lessons to learn ? How do I bring my heart into alignment with what I know to be the solution ? Focusing on my breath, as it comes in and out again. Detaching from my emotions, and from all outcomes. Planting myself directly in the center of God's heart and that wellspring of love and compassion...and trying to see this person with God's eyes. And knowing that no one can hurt me unless I let them. My ego wants to react, and never in the right way. So...I stop the reacting. I say the prayer that lets me set aside everything I think I know about the situation, so that I might have a new experience. And I embrace the person and their brokenness and bless them with all my heart.
I am reminded of something I was told a long time ago, by a spiritual advisor. "You must honor everyone, wherever they are on their journey." We are all traveling, each of us on our own path, at different places on the journey. We have to crawl before we walk sometimes. And today I must remember that sage advise hanging on my refrigerator...
"You are a child of God. So ACT like it."
7 comments:
Well, there are a lot of things I'd like to say, but I think everyone has to manage this beast in their own way.
One thing you might want to consider is who does this person remind you of? Also, it may be that you want to just sit this person down and let them know that you know what they are doing... just for the record... The reason for it bothering you may be because you know how much pain lies can cause... or maybe he/she is lying about you or something that you are responsible for at work... in which case anger may be the perfect response in my book. I don't think anger is bad necessarily. I think of it as the energy for change! But if you let it eat at you or burst out uncontrollably, that part is not good...
Good luck.
xo
Since I care about YOU and have no interest in the person except how you are affected by him/her, it is easy for me to offer advice. I do know one thing: when I have had such a terrible letting go of something like this, I sit in meditation and picture myself offering it up and asking for it to be taken from me.
For whatever reason, it always works, sometimes not as I expected, but I am not eaten up by it. Hugs to you, dear one.
You're right about fear. It is always at the root of negativity.
One thing I used to hear in meetings with regard to resentments is to pray for the person. I've found that works for me if I think good thoughts of the person and smile from inside when I see them. They may have the problem but my anger hurts only me and not them.
Reading this sounds so reflective of a person in my soul and life right now, who has to be there and it's so hard because it's so obvious that they have an untreated personality disorder that makes it hard to know what in the world is going on at any point. I understand and know and truly feel for this position. I like you meditate, do some yoga and work to let it go, no matter what, let it go. Sometimes it works better than others, sometimes I think the lesson repeated by this person in my life is to "not care what other people think of me" and just let it go and let god...it' keeps popping up...really, why? Have no clue...but themes seem to be the purvue of god, that and humor...oh and I look at my dogs and spend time with them so that they remind me of what love is all about...the unconditional part of it...okay that's my experience and two cents LOL...I love you and am here for you!
Hugs to you Annie.
Honestly, when I have such a strong reaction that I don't like having I always ask myself why. And I dig and dig until I know what the deep why really is. In the end it usually has nothing to do with the person at all and everything to do with me and my own personal fears, sorrows, shame, etc. And I agree with you that most negative actions and reactions bubble up from deep fear...combined with wanting to be loved and accepted.
I think you were already circling that with what you were saying about the lying and dishonesty. You are already wondering why. This person is probably in your life right now to force you to deal with whatever it is you need to deal with.
It is not easy. It can take a lot of meditation and thinking and soul searching. But it is sooooo worth it the first time the person does or says whatever it is that has been triggering your anger...and it doesn't get to you like it did. Doesn't set you off. And--even better--the first time you can laugh about it in your head right at the time it is happening. I have had it happen a few times and you never, ever forget how totally freeing it is.
I try to remember that it is easy to love and forgive and be patient with the people who love you or are lovable...it's the rest of those jerks that are the challenge--ROFL!! ;)
I hope you have a much better day today. If I was there I'd give you a hug and I bet I could make you laugh about it. At least I've been told I'm pretty good at that. Oh--also remember--they always say we are "children" of God...never heard it said that we're the "mature adults" of God. ;)
Bless you, Sweetie!! :):)
Thanks everyone...
Little Flower, I always think that pain is a red flag for something...and I know you're right about this. It is tied to lots of stuff. And letting it eat away is NEVER good...
DJan--you're right, and I do have the tools to handle it. I guess it always just shakes me for a minute, the time of the initial reaction. Turning things and people over is always the best bet.
Towanda, me too. And after over 21 years here, you'd think I'd just do that right off. lol Sometimes it takes me a bit...
Gabi--So glad not to be alone, right? lol I know, and this woman does have a lot of problems. But still, it comes back to me and my reactions. And so goes the learning curve...
Love you, Mary...xoxoxox
Rita- you hit it on the head, I think. A lot of shame based guilt that still dwells within, even after all these years and all this work. All someone has to do is point a finger at my (you name it--work ethic, selfishness, honesty, abilities)...and I react. Just like when I was a kid having to prove myself over and over. The other night I finally had to say "Hush little girl--it isn't true!!"
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