I am calling on those who have gone before me. Those stronger and wiser and better than I am at handling things that strike at me like a rattlesnake. Looking for comfort, looking for answers, looking for something to neutralize these poisonous feelings I am experiencing.
I have been absolutely livid tonight. Someone whose path intersects with mine FOR SOME UNGODLY REASON, has pushed me right to the edge of my sanity and tolerance. I am allowing anothers behavior to do this to me. That's the crazy part. I can't seem to lay it down and walk away.
Repeatedly, I have been infected by the fact that this person cannot be honest or truthful about almost anything. Perhaps because I am the adult child of an alcoholic and I grew up in a house where you never knew what was real or true from one day to the next. Perhaps because in the throes of my own disease of alcoholism, I was the biggest liar on the planet. Sometimes it was a game to see what I could get away with, sometimes it was spiteful and sometimes it was just because I couldn't tell the difference between the truth and a lie anymore. When you lie incessantly, about things you don't even NEED to lie about, the edges all blur together and it is impossible to discern fact from fiction.
My biggest voice [in my head] keeps saying "But yeah--this does affect me daily!!!" Somewhere else a voice whispers "Really? Why is that?"
The text tells me that anger is the dubious luxury of normal men. That it will kill me. I know that having a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other guy to die. And there are things I can do to deal with this.
I spent some time in meditation tonight, trying to quiet that monster of self righteous anger. It came to me that fear creates a brokenness in a person that causes negative behaviors to manifest. That all brokenness has the same underlying cause. Fear. Fear that one will lose something one has, or not get something one wants. And the answer to all fear is compassion. And Love. So, is my compassion not big enough to cover this? And if it is not, why?
So...what do I do to enter this arena I find myself in, with some obvious lessons to learn ? How do I bring my heart into alignment with what I know to be the solution ? Focusing on my breath, as it comes in and out again. Detaching from my emotions, and from all outcomes. Planting myself directly in the center of God's heart and that wellspring of love and compassion...and trying to see this person with God's eyes. And knowing that no one can hurt me unless I let them. My ego wants to react, and never in the right way. So...I stop the reacting. I say the prayer that lets me set aside everything I think I know about the situation, so that I might have a new experience. And I embrace the person and their brokenness and bless them with all my heart.
I am reminded of something I was told a long time ago, by a spiritual advisor. "You must honor everyone, wherever they are on their journey." We are all traveling, each of us on our own path, at different places on the journey. We have to crawl before we walk sometimes. And today I must remember that sage advise hanging on my refrigerator...
"You are a child of God. So ACT like it."