Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Agony and Ecstacy...

A jumble of emotions...a friend cut down in the golden years of her precious life, sexually assaulted and murdered in her home. I knew her from the Sierra Club and the Nature Institute and the Audubon Society. Famous for her fresh squeezed lemonade and hot chocolate at gatherings, she was tireless, passionate and a true community activist. Never too busy to make a difference. And now that shining light is gone from us forever. RIP, Sandy.  You will be mourned and deeply missed.

 It took place only about 22 miles from here.  That makes me more afraid than I have ever been, which is irrational, as they have caught the guy. But I guess it always seems like when it happens to someone you know, the odds increase and the walls close in a little. It breaks my heart thinking that her last minutes on the planet she so dearly loved were filled with violence and fear and pain. I am almost numb with grief....


  And then on the flip side, a baby was born yesterday to too-young teenaged parents...a beautiful healthy little girl.  Her name is Bella and she came into the world in the usual way.  I am close to her grandmother, who is too young to be a grandmother. But I guess the timetable is always up to God, isn't it?  The family is ecstatic and cannot control their joy. As it should be.

  I have been busy and cooking and doing all the things I do best when I am preoccupied. Things that ground me and connect me to myself. Trying to survive life, like everyone else. My only son is in emotional pain right now and I cannot fix it for him, all I can do is let him know that I love him and I am here for him, and pray that things will work out the way they are supposed to. He was crying today when I called to check on him and it broke my heart yet again.

  Perhaps things crack wide open in times like this. And in the cracking, become larger and better than before. Like steel, tempered by going into the fire over and over again, maybe our hearts are made stronger and stronger by the breaking. I do not know for sure, but I have to hope...hope that there is always some good reason for the unthinkable things that happen, that there is not just a randomness in the Universe that can bring so much pestilence to the soul.  

  I am really tired and sad and feeling rather empty.  I made comfort food for supper...pinto beans and cornbread...and it helped.  I guess it's time for me to have another word with God...if only to ask for some comfort and direction.   


  That's all I have for tonight...time for me to sleep....


Namaste.

4 comments:

Hope said...

Hugs to you across the miles.

Andrew said...

I am saddened to hear this.

Remember you are loved dear one, and hang in there.

DJan said...

How awful about your friend, how very sad. I've never known anyone who died a death like that, and it would make me feel just terrible, as you do.

When my son was hurting, it hurt me, too, so I know exactly what you mean about it breaking your heart. I do hope that these trials of life and loss have some meaning in the larger sense, but it doesn't make it easier to bear in the short term. Praying for you, for us all.

fullfreezer said...

Hugs to you, my friend. I'll be sending good thoughts your way.
Judy