New Year's Eve, 2009

Ahhhhhh... here it is...the end of the year at last. I was feeling pretty good about it until some buttwipe sent me a horoscope overview for 2010 that said this year would be full of travails and opportunities to show everyone how well I can weather hardship...not exactly the glittery new year I was hoping for, lol.


My first thought for the new year is to start the rewrite on my novel. I haven't touched it since the end of November, when NaNo was over. I think it's a good start for a read, and don't want to just let it fall by the wayside. So it's a matter of developing the discipline that I KNOW can be there (I finished, didn't I ??) and setting a routine to make it happen. Nothing overly worldly about that. Even a resolution breaker like me should be able to manage.

My second thought for the new year is to stop thinking about the New Year. LMAO...


Another 365 days of living in the moment, of staying present in my life. No matter what, no matter how. One Day At A Time has saved me over and again, and continues to be the single biggest gift of my sobriety. I have to gather up the blessings of my life and look them over on a regular basis. Especially this time of year. It's a powerful time of year for Capricorns like myself, born at the tail end of this string of holidays. As always, the pendulum can swing either way. It can be depressing or it can be joyful, and either way, it is my choice. Generally I land in the middle of it all. Some days are good and some days are less so. In the end, I make it through and land on my birthday with a sigh...grateful to have made it through another year and to be beginning yet another adventure. So here we are, leaving 2009 and entering 2010, and with a blue moon to top it off. That is grand. A blue moon, as most of you know, is when we have 2 full moons in a month. I stood out in the backyard last night listening to the snow and ice in the trees...the sky was clear and brutally cold, the silence was deafening. The moon was brilliant. It was amazing. In the far distance I could hear coyotes howling and yipping faintly. The chickens were snuggled in their coop, the local dogs were all snuggled in somewhere too. And it was beautifully quiet, with the sounds of cracking branches and snow falling through the tree limbs every now and then. I stayed and listened until I couldn't take it anymore and then came back in and made a cup of tea. I was in bed before midnight for a change.


The blessings I would send along on this last day of the year are hopes for abundance and prosperity for us all, however we happen to define those things, Blessings of peace in our homes and our hearts, and blessings of love and hope in the coming new year.


And so it is.





Namaste.

December 29,2009

Today is the anniversary of the massacre at Wounded Knee, 1890.

..."I did not know then how much was ended. When I look back now from this high hill of my old age,I can still see the butchered women and children lying heaped and scattered all along the crooked gulch as plain as when I saw them with eyes still young. And I can see that something else died there in the bloody mud, and was buried in the blizzard. A peoples dream died there. It was a beautiful dream... the nation's hoop is broken and scattered. There is no center any longer, and the sacred tree is dead." ~~Black Elk (From "Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee" by Dee Brown 1970).


If you haven't ever chanced to read this book, you might want to. You might not. It is as scathing and disgusting a report on the policies of the government of this country as any I've read. And yet, it is written without malice, in clear and concise terms. The tragedy is breathtaking. The callousness and greed described here is enough to make any person step back and take a look at the way our beliefs and entitlement permeate our culture.

This morning has been a foray into my library of all books Indian. The stories, the teachings of the Elders. My grandmother was a full blood Cherokee woman who told stories and planted gardens and passed things to me because I was the first born granddaughter. I was young when she died, only 12. I have been a student of Native history most of my life, and have hundreds of books. Today I am reading a book called "Growing Up Native American", an anthology of writings by native writers from the 19th century to the 1990s. It's essays and fiction about childhood. Some of the stories are tragic and some are informative, and all are beautiful.

Anniversaries of events like Wounded Knee are sadly horrific and looking back on the history of our country is a frightening view of how little things have changed in all these years. We still go places to fix people and show them the "truth" about the way they live. Lots of this is done under the guise of mission work in some of the churches and under the even worse disguise of our democracy. I am constantly amazed by the arrogance of anyone who thinks they can go somewhere else and try to make people be like us...by people who think they can go anywhere and take anything they please. The entitlement and hypocrisy are staggering. I have read stories of Native children taken from their parents and sent to boarding schools to "civilize" them, where nuns would beat them and shave their hair off and call them heathens and savages. Where they would be punished if they spoke their own native language. Where they were forbidden to talk about or practice any of their spiritual tenets. Where these children would run away again and again...only to be brought back and beaten and locked up like animals.


If you are interested in any of this (and you're probably not, because why would you be?) google some names like Vine Deloria, Jr., Leonard Peltier, John Chewie, Wilma Mankiller.


It's a bitter cold and sunny day here in the midwest. Much the same as it was on the day of the massacre at Wounded Knee. Blessings on the ghost dancers...blessings for the dead....





Namaste.

December 27,2009

I've spent a large portion of my life feeling like a troll. A stubby legged, wild haired, mushmouth of a troll. In my weaker moments, I still find myself feeling like this from time to time. Never quite good enough. Never quite smart enough. Just waiting to be thrown over one more time for the real prizes in this world. I'm not entirely sure why this is...I was the firstborn child of a couple who'd been told they could never have children. The first of six, for that matter. I was read to, loved and exclaimed over for the first few years of my life. But no matter that--I always felt inside that there was a piece missing, or that I was somehow secretly defective in some way. Once I got old enough to be out in the world, I did whatever I could to make myself invisible. Invisible, or incredibly larger than life and outrageous. One extreme or the other. Either way, you couldn't touch me. I set myself apart from my family, from my peers, from everyone and everything.


I certainly set myself apart from God. I would spend years reading everything about every religion or spiritual endeavor I could get my hands on. I had just enough information to be dangerous, as they say. I would ferret out lots of info, and abruptly walk the other direction. I railed against the God of my misunderstanding. I envied people with religious backgrounds, because they seemed to have something I wanted, but thought I could never have. They had a safety net, was what I decided. I used to tell people that I lived my life on the high wire, with no net. And I believed it. I could not imagine a deity that would allow as much suffering as I saw in the world. I couldn't imagine praying like people did, or believing like they seemed to believe. It was a bunch of crap to me. Opiate of the masses. I never once attempted to have a personal relationship with God. Never thought it was possible OR practical for somebody like me. I would look at those other people and then I'd have to make fun of them or tear them down in one way or another. Fear is a curious thing.


After I got sober and started looking for a way to change this miserable existence I lived, I started having to work really hard to find my way back to God. As Rumi says:

Every
Child
Has Known God.

Not the God of names.
Not the God of don'ts.
Not the God who ever does
Anything Weird.

But the God who only knows four words
And keeps repeating them , saying,

"Come Dance With Me."

Come.

Dance.



And some days I worked very hard. And some days I worked very little. And some days I just sat in my shit and cried. And slowly but surely, I began to feel the hand of God reaching for my hand, and the thing I learned was that all I had to do was reach out a tiny little bit, and there God would be. And I began to read the poetry of people like Mary Oliver and Rumi and Gibran, and I learned a lot about God. I would sit by the ocean and watch the waves crashing and the birds that walk bravely into the surf, knowing they will find food there, no matter how high the waves. And they would scamper out and scamper back in as the tide washed up and I would laugh at the show. And I saw, one day, that I was that bird. That I was that ocean. That the love of God is the dance. And something washed over my soul. And I knew that it didn't matter if I understood the concept of God. It didn't matter what I believed. It didn't matter how I believed. The energy that runs from the rivers of Gods love to the tiny streams of the human soul runs no matter what. It is everywhere. It is vibrant. It is there no matter what I think or see or feel. And I can relax and live in the details, where God lives.

And that I must see the other people on my planet through the filter of God's love as well. And then I can stop expecting them to be anything other than what they are. Because they ARE perfect. Perfectly IMperfect. Deliberate flaws, like the ones woven into the Persian rugs, meant to remind the talented weaver that he is not God. And then I can breathe a sigh of relief, and trust that all is exactly the way it is supposed to be. That I can be a child of God and be the best me I can possibly be, and it will be enough. It will be enough.

I had some experiences this week that have nudged me into some reflection, as you can see. None of them were earthshattering (well, except to me), but the planets have lined up and it must be time for one of those shakeups that we all love so much. A lot of it has centered around my ego, in one way or another. And my heart. And it has caused me some pain, and some tears, and mostly (eventually) some joy. Because I know it is that hand of God reaching out for me one more time.

Reaching for me, saying, Come. Dance.

December 26, 2009

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Mine turned out to be a pleasant time filled with family and friends and food...just like it is meant to be.

We have had so much rain that the creeks were flooding. On Christmas Eve night, it was 51 degrees when I went to bed. In spite of this abnormal weather, we did wind up having a minimally white Christmas as the rain turned to snow at about 9AM on Friday morning. It was a dry pretty snow, and the asphalt was still so warm from the week of crazy temps that nothing much stuck to the roads. That's what I call perfect snow...all the beauty and none of the hassle.

We had about 12 people at the house Christmas night for soup and freshly made (by me) french bread and tomato,basil, garlic bread. Big platters of cookies and candy and hot chai teas and cocoa and coffee. The first of the guests arrived around 4 and the last of them left around 10. It was really nice, lots of conversation and laughter and love in that room.


Today husbandman is gone to his Saturday ritual of meeting, hiking and whatever it is he does. I am truly blessed to be loved by that man. These past few days he has been off work for the holidays, and he stepped right up to the plate and helped with all the cleaning and cooking and whatever I needed him to do. He is a gentle and loving man....and a true gift in my life today. He told me this morning that he would like to have a birthday party this year (he usually hates them, lol). He said that it didn't have to be like the 50th surprise party he had for me (when one of my sober friends drove her 1982 Mercedes [tank] through the front wall of the restraunt where we were having the party). I told the policeman that came that it had been a long time since I had a party where the police were called. I turned 50 in 2003, and I was 13 years sober. lol He turns 50 on February 8th...he's an Aquarius, like my dad, whose birthday was February 2nd. I wish my dad and he could have met...they would have absolutely loved each other.


No plans for today besides recuperating from the day of cooking and being on my feet all day yesterday. I'm sitting up now with alternating heat/cold on my knee and some warmed up creamy potato soup in my belly. Tomorrow morning at the 10 AM meeting one of my sponslings is celebrating 1 year. A magnificent milestone of a miracle that I have been honored to witness and be a small part of. I am constantly blessed in this program to witness the miracles of recovery. My own included.


I'm going to read and sip tea and just have an all around low key day.

Wanna join me????






Namaste.

Wednesday December 23,2009...again

I have just written a crazy post and hopefully hidden it away where no one will ever see it. It was horrible.


I needed to write it and I feel a little better. Not a lot..but a little.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Today I put up a different curtain rod here in the office and put some old lined drapes up over the top of the ones that are hanging there . Trying to winterize the rooms a little better, as it is always cool in here. I need to put something up in the kitchen too...it is very drafty around that old window. I realized earlier that I needed to renew my drivers license before Jan 6th, and started rummaging around looking for the form that I put in a safe place. So safe I can't remember where. As some of you may know...that's a perfect recipe for getting a room cleaned up. lol I am gimping around badly, so it is a slow process. Ai yi yi....


Are any of you making New Years resolutions? Getting better organized is one of mine.


Tomorrow I will spend cleaning and making breads and getting ready for our little gathering on Christmas night. I am making 3 soups...French Onion, Cream of Potato and a Minestrone. Or maybe a chicken and rice, just so all the soups aren't vegetarian. It won't be a large crowd...just a small group of people that have no family here or anywhere else to be on Christmas.

We will have breakfast with my son and his family and watch the grandsons open their Christmas. I will make a sweet bread to take.


Tonight we watched Julie/Julia. Meryl Streep was magnificent as Julia Child, and what can I say about Stanley Tucci--I ADORE him!-- and we both loved the movie. It was an outstanding film. We laughed and laughed.

I am exhausted. Went to my MD for some pain medication for my knee. It is excruciating. I have a January11th appointment with the orthopedic doctor from last summer. I suspect I will have surgery immediately after the appointment. It has been hurting so bad I can't sleep for several days now.

I am signing off...more tomorrow when (hopefully) I will be in a much better place and not be as troubled as I am right now.


This isn't a very uplifting or happy post....but it's the best I can do. For now.

Feeling blessed to have the ability to even say that...

Tuesday December 22, 2009

...I started out this day feeling alright...a little off maybe, but basically okay. It was all down hill from there.

Feeling sick at my stomach all day, nauseous and dizzy, actually. A stomach bug of some sort. Slept a little while and still don't feel well. Yuck.

Made a chicken and rice casserole for supper, with a side salad of organic romaine, walnuts and gorgonzola cheese. It was yummy and I was famished. Husbandman brought home some ginger ale for me and I've been sipping at it all evening. I had a long To-Do list for today and got almost none of it done. I have things to do tomorrow (chiro and lunch with a sponsling) that I will not be doing if I still feel like this. I feel like going to bed now.

Supposed to be a storm front coming in tonight, but it's still almost 40 degrees out there. Hoping it will pass to the north of us.


I really should go to bed....it's just that I haven't posted in so long I hate to go. lol

I'll be back tomorrow....



Namaste.

December 14, 2009

11 days til Christmas...in case you were wondering...


Long day, starting at 5 AM after only 3 hours of sleep. I cannot believe I am still awake. News from the bone cruncher was not all good, but it wasn't the end of the world either, and for that I am grateful. I do have a degenerative disc in my cervical vertebrae, as well as a bulging disc just below that one. The bulging disc is likely caused by the degenerative one. This is why my hands and arms are going numb every night and the tingling in my fingers is so bad.It may also be contributing to a couple of other things. My lumbar vertebrae are extremely subluxated (I knew this, I can tell) and I have a serious curve in my lower spine that is due to a couple of factors. One is that I am overweight since the accident when I couldn't move as much anymore and the other is from having a drastic hysterectomy where they cut through my abdominal wall from hip to hip The abdominal wall doesn't cotton well to such trauma, and is a big component apparently in helping keep the spine straight. So most of this can be fixed, except the degenerative disc. But he thinks he can stretch the spine enough to take the pressure off enough to make it much less painful. We sat for 20 minutes while he went over my xrays and showed me all this. It was freakey.


Then I went to a meeting and afterwards had lunch with a lovely young woman I rarely see as she lives in a town about 45 minutes away. Then I came home.

I am ready for sleep. Feeling a little beat up by the chiro treatment, but hopeful that things will get better soon.


I am grateful today to have medical care and grateful to be in good hands. I am grateful to have a place to go where I can tend my soul and nourish my spirit.

TTFN...I'm off to that warm comfy bed.

Namaste.

Sunday December 13, 2009

St. Louis Cathedral in New Orleans, LA....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


It's been a long weekend and I didn't post anywhere. It was a time of being on the run or laid up completely. lol

BY the time the chiropractor finished his extensive exam, I was feeling like I'd been beaten. He then sent me to a local hospital for xrays, and they finished the job. He wanted about 20 films and they were twisting me and turning me and it nearly killed me. I came home and was useless for the rest of the night. Hubby (AKA assmaster, lol) took me to a Chinese restraunt so I wouldn't have to cook and then we came home and I went to bed. I pretty much laid around all day Saturday, hoping I'd feel good enough to attend the Christmas party we'd been invited to by my newest sponsee. I was better and so we did go. By the time we were driving home though...I was almost crying. I wore sensible shoes and everything...but I did climb up and down a couple of sets of stairs to look at some artwork done by our host.

I did feel better today. Tomorrow morning at 9:45 I go back to the chiro, films in hand. And hopefully he will be able to do something for me. He did tell me that the knee is bad and needs to be repaired-there's nothing he can do for it. But the hip and pelvic problems are another matter. Hopefully he can get me fixed up, and after the holidays are over (if I can make it that long) I'll get the knee done. I am just looking for a little relief right now, and I'll take whatever I can get.


The dogs are in and about half of the cats (maybe less) are out and refusing to come in. It has been pretty warm the past 2 days. A good thing, but a bit of a shock to the system after all that cold.

Had a good morning meeting on the 6th step. I had an epiphany of sorts about some of the stuff going on in my life...or really, my reactions to that stuff. Something about humility and ego and what "hurt feelings" are really all about. It was quite informative (to me, about me). I am so grateful for the tools in this program that allow us to clean up our side of the street and then let it go. We can only do so much. I felt a sigh of relief go through me.

I'm not sure why I posted the picture of the cathedral...it was incredibly beautiful. We were going to Texas/Mexico in February of 2005 and planned to come back (we still lived in North Carolina at the time) through Louisiana. My sponsor Maureen (who died last year) told us to be sure to stop and see the St Louis Cathedral. She thought it was one of the most beautiful things she'd ever seen. It really was breathtaking. I guess I was thinking about her today...and how much I miss her. She taught me an awful lot about living sober, often whether I wanted the lesson or not. lol She had about 38 years when she died of a brain aneurysm...and she had led a good life, completely immersed in service to Alcoholics Anonymous, and she made no secret of it. I can only hope to be the person and the grateful member of AA that she was. It was she who gave me a copy of a poem, smiling and eyes twinkling, as she said, "I promise you, no good deed goes unpunished." Here's the thing...guess you can call it a poem. An essay, anyway...


Do It Anyway


People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered
Forgive them anyway.


If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.


If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies,
Succeed anyway.


If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you.
Be honest and frank anyway.


What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight.
Build anyway.


If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.


The good you do today, people may forget tomorrow.
Do good anyway.


Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough...
Give the world the best you've got anyway.


In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you
and them anyway.






Namaste.

December 10, 2009

Remember when they were so sweet??? NOT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have had an interesting day, to say the least. The last part of it has been amazing and the first part of it was, well…horrendous. I was a screaming maniac for a few hours there.

First of all, the assmaster of the house locked one of the cats (*remember the cats that wouldn’t come in last night??–one of those) in the entertainment center when he closed it up last night. This morning when I got up, I hear this pitiful crying and several other cats are sitting around the cabinet, laughing and making fun of the one trapped inside. You know how cats are…they can be so cruel. One is pawing at the door, and when I open it, out pops my Junko, glaring and hissing at me, like it was all my fault. She is furious and takes on all the other cats that are there. They scatter and I nearly fall over one who darts beneath my feet.

Now, if you’ll remember from yesterday, I have a pinched nerve in my back and my knee is screwed up again, so stumbling is not really a recommended event. I trip, I swear, and cats laugh as they dart away. I grumble and mumble. Then I find that some cat has broken my little crystal rocking horse that is one of my Christmas decorations. I am furious. Then I find that someone (cat) has taken a dump in the corner, beside the aquarium, in about a 6 inch square space. Of course, I have to try to get on my hands and knees and twist around to get to it to clean it up. I am nearly crying with pain now. 15 minutes later, someone (cat) has taken a dump AGAIN, on my carpet beside the entertainment center. By now I am yelling as I clean up another mess. I suspect it is the cat who is mostly an outside cat, as I see her pee in the litter boxes, but have never seen her poop in one.

Then I discover that (naturally) the cat who was locked in the entertainment center has pooped in there. So, once again, screaming in pain, I am on my knees trying to clean out the little space below the tv, where she has pooped. Once again, little cats are hiding around the corners watching me, laughing silently with their little paws over their mouths.

It was a whole morning of this stuff. In between I would sit in front of the computer and lay on the heating pad. Then I got a call and someone was coming, so I tried to put up the rest of the Christmas decos and vacuum up 500 tons of dog and cat hair…stopping every 15 minutes to lie on the heating pad. I actually got almost everything done.

Tonight we went to the group anniversary and had a delightful time. A man with 50+ years sober who helped start the group was telling a little about what AA was like here 50 years ago…how you had to drive either to St. Louis or to Springfield to go to a meeting. It was fascinating. Saw a lot of people we hadn’t seen in a while and had a good dinner.

Then we came home and now….I’m going to bed.

Namaste.

Wednesday December 9, 2009

One of my favorite Santas...
*************************************************************

It is just plain cold. 15 with a wind chill factor of -3 now. I have 2 cats outside that won't come in and I guess I just have to leave them there to ...do whatever cats do in the bitter cold. I am powerless over cats... every so often, I go to the door and open it to see if they've changed their
minds. The house is relatively warm, but I can see we're going to have to get the insulating plastic up on the windows this weekend. I have big heavy drapes in the living room and that helps a lot. But the bedrooms need them too and so does the kitchen window need a covering. It needs an old fashioned window quilt. It's a big square window.

I have stayed close to the heating pad today, and taken it very easy on myself. Things are still icky, but not quite as bad as yesterday. I only went outside twice today, as the cold is certainly a mitigating factor in all this. I had to get out there this morning and water the chickens and try to manage a way to keep that coop door open in this horrific wind. We have had 35-45 mph winds all day. And I paid some bills and got those out in the mail box. Did all that in one roundabout. Then later I was out again becasue my idea didn't really work all that well with the coop door and it closed again. The last time I got it good. And it was time to pick up the mail, so I trudged down to the mailbox and then came in for good. It's brutal out there.


I made a wonderful Indian dish for supper tonight. Vegetarian nights always require a little more thought and imagination. I have a recipe for an Aloo Gobi that I make from time to time, especially on cold nights, as it's a great comfort food. It is also a carbohydrate extravaganza nightmare (thus the comfort part). But it's lovely...you heat the oil and toast whole cumin seeds to start, and then put in cauliflower broken into bite sized pieces. You stir it, letting the cauliflower get a little golden brown here and there. You put in a little water and cover, letting the cauliflower cook to a crisp-tender stage. Then you add cooked diced potatoes, ground cumin, turmeric, coriander, chopped green chilies, fresh ground black pepper and sea salt. Cook it just til the potatoes are heated through, and serve. Tonight I also added a little lemon curry and the result was marvelous. I served it with a side of organic romaine lettuce with some thinly sliced fresh mushrooms, sliced white and red radishes from our cold frame box, a few pickled green beans and a tiny bit of dressing. I used a Caesar dressing tonight. It made for an appetizing and satisfying supper, for me and the working man. And the house smelled wonderful...


Tomorrow night we will attend the anniversary of a group around these parts that has been going strong for 47 years. What a testament to the program! What a blessing. I have to make some kind of a salad to take...something/anything to go with sloppy joes for the potluck. I have lots of pasta...maybe I'll do something along those lines.


I'm sipping a cup of honey chamomile tea and getting wound down enough to head for bed soon. I changed my chiro appt to Friday with different Chiropractor. One recommended by a friend, who does cold laser therapy for joints. It's an interesting concept, and I'm game to try anything. Her fiance had gone to this guy and he worked wonders. So....I'm a gonna try him out. It's only one day difference....and this weather is treacherous, so I'd rather not be driving at 5 AM anyway to take hubby to work so I can keep the car.



It's been a long and emotional day. I am hanging in there and am thinking about going to an Alanon meeting next week. One of my friends thinks it might be good for me. I shall give it a go...

Hopefully tomorrow I will get some more things done here and get busy working on a couple of the gifts that I need to make. I am making herbal dream pillows for a couple of people and some God boxes that need painting. The pillows are pretty cool...I am also making a couple of those lovely heating pads that are filled with rice and then you heat them in the microwave. A dear friend gave me one a couple of years ago, and I love it. You just sew a tube of cotton material and fill it with rice and sew it shut. Then you take a lovely print flannel and make a long rectangle to fit the tube of rice and put it in. Mine is removeable so you can wash the outer wrapper. It also has an aromatic rice, like jasmine or basmati in it, so it smells wonderful when it heats. Almost all of our gifts this year will be homemade... getting back to the basics of gifts with love, from the heart.

Alrighty. I am off to the warmest room in the house. Under the big comfy quilt and flannel sheets, with my infrared husband next to me. That man puts out more heat than a wood burning stove!


Sweet winter dreams, and blessings on you and your house!


Namaste.

Tuesday the 8th of December

Kitten peeking through the big Christmas wreath...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


It has been a rough couple of days...this past week I started having a lot of pain in my knee again and by Sunday I was starting with the hip pain from walking all gimpy. Yesterday and today I have been hurting so much I can barely walk. It's not so bad if I'm sitting or lying with my leg up, but when I'm on my feet for more than about 10 minutes, the pain gets unbearable. It feels like the stuff I used to have to get trigger point injections for...but maybe it's a pinched nerve. At any rate--I DON'T LIKE IT!!! lol Honestly, I brought stuff in from the storage to put up for Christmas and by 1 PM I was nearly crying. I would get up and put stuff up for about 10 minutes and go lay on the heating pad with my leg up for the next hour. Needless to say, I didn't get a whole lot done. But, I did get some of it up, so that's something. I thought I was going to have to have Patrick take me to the ER when he got home. I have a chiropractor appointment for Thursday morning, if I can hold out that long. I'm going to try to hold out on the knee repair until after the first of the year when the holidays are over. We'll see... Rainy and cold here today, and it was only after sunset that the temperature rose to over 40 degrees! Weird. Supposed to be getting a wintry mix tomorrow though, with temps in the high teens. I really wish I lived somewhere warm and balmy... We have a Christmas party to attend on Saturday. A speaker/anniversary (group celebrating 47 years!!) on Thursday. I hope that my wonderful Doc Stu can fix this hip. We are going to have a little get together on Christmas night...a few friends and some soups and goodies. It will be fun. Then we are invited to an after Christmas bash on the 27th. In between will be all peppered with family stuff. I love this time of year... I'm really tired and will be in bed soon, even though I took a couple of naps today on the heating pad. I feel worn out from it all... Have started reading Lacuna...it's an interesting departure (I think) from her usual style, but I am loving it. I also got the email today from NaNoWriMo with the code to get a proof copy of my novel published. I cannot imagine how it will feel to hold an actual copy of it in my hands....even if I'm the only one who will ever see it, lol. My pups have just come back in from their evening constitutional, so I am free to go to bed now. My life is blessed by my love for these critters and their love for me. By the men and women in the world who, on a daily basis, teach me how NOT to act. By the grace and beauty of the world in which I live. Life's a dance....

Thursday December 3, 2009

Miss Lily (torti) and Leo de Catrio...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have had a most wonderful evening, and am dying to tell you about it. lol

One of the women at our meeting recently moved here from another state. It was one of those moves we have all made, where you haven't much choice than to leave almost everything you own and GO. She was staying with family, and now she has a new apartment and was stoked about that, but had no furnishings. Tonight at our women's meeting we had a little surprise shower for her new place, and the generosity of these women in my life just knocked my socks off. And she was so overwhelmed that she could barely speak, lol. Afterwards, a couple of us followed her to the new digs and helped unload the cars of all the stuff. We filled her pantry with food, gave her dishes and glasses and silverware. We gave her a bed and a couch and a television. We gave her things she really needed and some things, like napkins and napkin rings that our souls just need. She got some candles, some sponges, a gift card, and lordy...you name it. It was wonderful to be a part of and to watch.

I never cease to be amazed (and grateful!) at the generosity and courage of the women I have met in AA. We are really something...and I am so blessed to be a part of it all.


The endless compassion that some people have has been on my mind a lot lately. Over and over again, in my years on this planet, I have seen miraculous things happen as the result of the small acts of kindness that come from the most unlikely sources. The people who have the least are often the most generous. The ones who are suffering from incredible maladies (be they physical or spiritual or emotional) are the ones who are there first, putting out a hand to help someone else. The miracles happen daily. When we can open up to give, we are opened up to receive. When we think of someone else first, we step back into riches we never imagined. Something magical happened tonight in that little room, and I could see it on the faces of everyone present. And I am so thankful today that I get to witness these things firsthand, because I am right in the middle of them.

I am especially grateful and blessed by the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, for changing me in ways I could never have known possible. For opening my heart and my eyes. For giving me the opportunity to be a part of such a group of people. For taking this worthless, useless shell of a human being, and turning her into a woman of substance. A woman who can be generous and can be courageous and can be filled with a love so marvelous that she shines. I feel , sometimes, like I am radiating this stuff that you have all given me. And I will be thankful every day for my life, for my sobriety and for love.

Thank you all for making me the woman I get to be today.


Namaste.

Wednesday December 2nd

This was me this morning. After one night of less than 2 hours sleep and then last night with only about 4, I was whipped. It is barely 11 PM now and I am falling asleep at the keyboard.

We are having or first snowfall of the year tonight, it started around 7 and has been falling ever since. However,the ground is still way too warm for it to stick really, although the weather guys were insisting it would be our first accumulating snow. Jokes on them.

I had a rough day, had to take my cat to the vet and have him put to sleep. He's been sick and the vet diagnosed him with cancer. It was the best thing to do for him. Not so much for me. But today I can do the right thing and I just have to feel blessed to have had him as long as I did. He was a very sweet cat, and the sicker he got, the sweeter he got. Then when I got home from that, I learned that my lab Lucy has hurt her foot/leg and is limping badly. At first I wanted to cry, but managed to pull it together and check her out. I think it's only a sprain, and if it isn't better by Friday, I will take her to the vet. I am blessed to be an animal caretaker...

My sponsling has moved into the little studio apartment on the back of my house. So far, so good. She'll stay there until she can get back on her feet. Hopefully not more than a few months. :)

Another sponsling moved into her own apartment today. She is sober quite a while and is especially grateful. It's a cute little place too, I went over this afternoon and took her a shower curtain and rod.

God is good.

We watched a movie I ordered from Netflix and it was a French film called The Vanishing. I didn't see that it as in French with English subtitles. We had a good laugh over that and watched it while we ate dinner. It was a freaky film about a psychopath.


I think I really am going to have to hit the hay. Pooped. Have a grand day, all y'all... or evening. Or whenever it is that you're reading this. lol


Namaste.