Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Have you ever....

...been driving the road home, and suddenly just lose it?  There was a song playing on the radio that was the song my ex-husband used to sing to me.."you are the woman that I've always dreamed of...I knew it from the start...."  and I just burst out crying.  And I cried for about 15 minutes...for lost love and for broken dreams and for all the things we would never know about each other growing old. I felt like somebody slammed their fist into my solar plexus and it took the wind out of me. And I thought "He has died."  And it opened a big hole in my heart that I thought time and new love had closed.  If he has indeed died, it would be of alcoholism, and no one will bother to ever tell me, I'm afraid. I haven't laid eyes on him in over 16 years.  I did speak to him once, about 10 years ago, and the conversation was so painful that I never did it again. We separated when I got sober, when I was 37 years old, almost 22 years ago.  And for a while there tonight, the pain was as raw as it was then. 

  Do our hearts ever heal when they break down the middle?  Does the yearning ever stop and the wistfulness subside?  

  I have made a good life for myself with a good man.  And that is beside the point.

  I have been having more and more minor psychic experiences again...small de ja vu's  and a sense of someone or something hovering at the edge of my consciousness.  Perhaps this is more of that.  Perhaps not. I am reminded of the part of the story of Daughters of Copper Woman (I think)  where the shimmering cords that connect her to everyone who has ever been part of her life manifest and oh, hell...I cannot think straight right's after 1 AM and I should be in bed. Maybe tomorrow I can finish this or wake up a little more enlightened and sure of what I'm even talking about or remembering.

Maybe. Or maybe not.



Cloudia said...

sleep, to rest, to dream. . .

Aloha from Honolulu

Comfort Spiral

> < } } ( ° >

Teresa Evangeline said...

Yes, many times through the years. I do wonder if he was reaching out to you. It sometimes happens through music for me. I wonder if the people with whom we share our lives ever do leave us, or even if they should. Finding a way to live with them peacefully is key.

I feel blessed by your sharing this in ways I can't explain, but thank you. It was Very generous of you. I got goosebumps as I read this, big goosebumps. Would you find anything if you googled his name and perhaps the last place he lived? Perhaps there is some verification out there that would put your heart at ease.

the wild magnolia said...

The song took you back emotionally, to where you were, to the tangled memories.

It is in my thoughts, when a relationship ends amid most prevailing causes, the love does not stop.

We move on but the love remains within us, and when it visits, our feelings surface. I think the love is separate from the issues that led to a break-up.

I also think you will settle this and let go of some of the pain, maybe all at one, maybe bit by bit.

Wishing peace and rest to find you.

DJan said...

Yes, it certainly does happen to the rest of us. Loves and lives lost forever, sometimes I have tears running down my face and missing someone so much that it really does feel almost like a physical hurt.

Annie, maybe it's true that you are moving towards a spiritual epiphany or something. I've felt it in your writing for a while now, and it makes me so very happy and privileged to be your friend. I hope you got a good night's sleep. I always look forward to hearing what it's like in your world... :-)

Rita said...

I wondered if maybe he was reaching out to you somehow, too? Out of curiosity, I'd be googling, too. I hope you hear something.

I have had times (many of them with music) where the same emotions overwhelm me. some good, some bad. I love your honesty and openness. Honored that you would share this with us. :)

Beth said...

I will hear a song that was a favorite of my husband and my tears will start flowing. Even though it will be 5 years on Dec 1st,

What you felt is normal, it happens to most of us at one time or another.

Petit fleur said...

Yes... I totally have those moments.
Especially if I am or was strongly connected to someone.

One of my exes that I had not spoken to in years died earlier this year. A few months prior I had a dream of him driving around a VW which had the windshield covered up with something and he couldn't see and was completely lost. He drank himself to death also.

The way I felt when I "found out" was very much like you described. But I sort of knew from the dream that he was in trouble. Wish I would have tracked him down. I did think about it. Sigh.

Anyway, grieving and healing is not a process that has a definite ending point... I think it's something we get better at accepting as part of life and just try to embrace it for what it is and honor the process...

I hope you feel better.

Rubye Jack said...

Sometimes I think it is better not to know where or how they are. I suppose it depends, but when I think of my own experience it makes me sad.

Many years ago, like 40, I was in love with a guy. Crazy in love for many reasons. We both were using/drinking. I changed. Anyway, I found him a year ago and went out to spend a couple of days with him--to see. He was still drinking, worse than ever, and it caused both of us a lot of pain. Now, a year later I've come to understand that those of us who are spared our disease often still yearn for the past and its inherent chaos. Just my experience Annie.

Murr Brewster said...

In my life, grief and humiliation, hunker down in the basement forever. And a vapor of it can strike at any time. That doesn't mean it's in charge. It comes and goes.