Wednesday ...and counting the hours...

Lemon Meringue...

   Company coming on Friday. House: still not cleaned. Laundry: not done yet.  Green beans: picked another full peck today, and must can today or tomorrow. Teapots: finally back up on cabinet top shelves.  Sigh....my list seems to grow longer instead of shorter.  The good news is this: I know how my relatives live, so nothing here...and I mean NOTHING...will offend or shock or disgust THEM in any manner.  This is all about me.  The bad news is this: now I don't have so much motivation to kill myself doing all this.  lol  I was thinking that I might call my son and see if he has the time to come do a couple of things for me that I can pay him for. Not big jobs, but things that would take some of the pressure off me. He's not working much, off and on like crazy, then downtimes that make him nuts. He'd probably come do it just to keep busy.

   I was hoping to have 4 days off, but it's not to be. Looks like I have to work my regular 2 days off and take only Saturday and Sunday so that I can be with the family. How I long for the days when my time was my own and I could do everything anytime I wanted to.  When I wasn't at the mercy of other people and their opinions and their demands...oh well.

  I went out to feed chickens and take Roxie to the backyard when I noticed that I had green beans out the Ya-Ya again. It's a blessing, don't get me wrong. But it takes almost an hour to pick that bed. And it kills my back. And then I noticed that it is dry as a bone out there, so apparently the Irishman is coming home from work, eating the delicious meals I have cooked for him, plopping on the couch,  turning  on the tv and not moving a muscle.  I know he's not been sleeping well. But neither have I.

  Marriage.  It's something else, isn't it?  I saw a little thing at a craft show once that said ...

    "Marriages are made in Heaven,

     But then, so are thunder and lightning."

   I have been married and not married. In a good marriage and a not so good marriage.  In love and out of love.  And mostly, listening to my friends (married and not) we are usually yearning over the fence at the marriage we don't have, or at the single life we wish we did have.  Greener grass and all that, I guess. I am the married sort. I guess. lol  I have spent the better part of this relationship of  two decades either trying to accept him the way he is or trying to change him for his own good.  LOL  It's a conundrum.  Some of the things that I found SO charming about him back then drive me nuts in the right now. He has changed and grown and mellowed...a little too much in some ways (IMHO). But we are a good match, all in all. And  I think I speak from experience when I say that  sometimes that is as good as it gets. There's no perfect life when you live with another human being, I don't care what sex they are. There are going to be days when you pick up those socks that are in the middle of the floor, 2 feet away from the laundry basket, and it will be the last straw. And you will throw them out the window or set them on fire or put them in his lunchbox. There are going to be times when you look across the room in incredulous horror, not believing that THIS is the person that has been sleeping next to you all these years. And there will be those times when you look at yourself in the mirror and wonder where the time has gone and how did you get so old so fast. And then you will look back across the room and know:  He's sucked the life right out of you.  LOL

   Of course, there will be other times when you can't believe how the stars must have lined up so right for you to have a blessing like this in your life.  When you realize that here, this person right here, is the one that you have shared history with, that knows you better than you know yourself sometimes, that can still make you laugh after all these years.  

  And for a minute or two, it is all worth it.

  I still want to bake a pound cake.  And those beans aren't going to can themselves. And the marital bed still hasn't been made. So, here I go...off into this life we have made for ourselves that is pretty darn wonderful.

  

  Namaste.

Anger, like a lightning strike at my heart...

  I am calling on those who have gone before me. Those stronger and wiser and better than  I am at handling things that strike at me like a rattlesnake.   Looking for comfort, looking for answers, looking for something to neutralize these poisonous feelings I am experiencing.

  I have been absolutely livid tonight. Someone whose path intersects with mine FOR SOME UNGODLY REASON, has pushed me right to the edge of my sanity and tolerance. I am allowing anothers behavior to do this to me. That's the crazy part. I can't seem to lay it down and walk away.

  Repeatedly, I have been infected by the fact that this person cannot be honest or truthful about almost anything.  Perhaps because I am the adult child of an alcoholic and I grew up in a house where you never knew what was real or true from one day to the next.  Perhaps because in the throes of my own disease of alcoholism, I was the biggest liar on the planet. Sometimes it was a game to see what I could get away with, sometimes it was spiteful and sometimes it was just because I couldn't tell the difference between the truth and a lie anymore. When you lie incessantly,  about things you don't even NEED to lie about, the edges all blur together and it is impossible to discern fact from fiction.

  My biggest voice [in my head] keeps saying "But yeah--this does affect me daily!!!"  Somewhere else a voice whispers "Really? Why is that?"

  The text tells me that anger is the dubious luxury of normal men. That it will kill me.  I know that having a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting  the other guy to die. And there are things I can do to deal with this.

   I spent some time in meditation tonight, trying to quiet that monster of self righteous anger.  It came to me that fear creates a brokenness in a person that causes negative behaviors to manifest.  That all brokenness has the same underlying cause. Fear.  Fear that one will lose something one has, or not get something one wants. And the answer to all fear is compassion.  And Love.  So, is my compassion not big enough to cover this? And if it is not, why?

  So...what do I do to enter this arena I find myself in, with some obvious lessons to learn ? How do I bring my heart into alignment with what I know to be the solution ?  Focusing on my breath, as it comes in and out again. Detaching from my emotions, and from all outcomes.  Planting myself  directly in the center of God's heart and that wellspring of love and compassion...and trying to see this person with God's eyes. And knowing that no one can hurt me unless I let them. My ego wants to react, and never in the right way. So...I stop the reacting. I say the prayer that lets me set aside everything I think I know about the situation, so that I might have a new experience.  And I embrace the person and their brokenness and bless them with all my heart.

    I am reminded of something I was told a long time ago, by a spiritual advisor. "You must honor everyone, wherever they are on their journey."  We are all traveling, each of us on our own path, at different places on the journey. We have to crawl before we walk sometimes.  And today I must remember that  sage advise hanging on my refrigerator...

 "You are a child of God. So ACT like it."

Namaste.

Finishing up the day....

  Sigh....sweet little Roxie is coming into her own. She's started challenging the other dogs at the food bowl, barking and chased a neighbor's dog across the yard...(running headlong into this behemoth of a dog), and today she found the pond. She was exploring the wooded area around the back yard while I was watering the garden this morning and suddenly she was gone. I called and called and no answer.  The Irishman got home about this time and I pointed him in the direction I last saw her and he went down to the edge of the water and sure enough, there she was, along with her favorite babysitter, Bella. Bella was just watching her dig dig dig into the mud, Pat said. He brought her back up in the yard and before we knew it, she was down there again. Stuck in 3 inches of mud, with her little 4 inch long legs!  We had to give her a bath--she was covered in thick oozy mud.  She has been digging a lot, along the gardens edge, in front of the chicken coop...she bites the dirt and digs furiously with her feet, and pulls weeds up and flings them aside.  It's a riot to watch!

  I picked another gallon of green beans today...I have enough to can tomorrow. I also picked bell peppers and a few more jalapenos. I'll pickle a couple of small jars of the hotties and freeze the bells in strips-I froze 3 quarts the other day. The peas are coming along famously and the green beans are looking good...except the part of the bed where someone got in there and dug the plants up. No proof of who that might be, but it looked like the work of a big dog. We have lettuce spinach and kale showing from the second planting. And a couple of yellow crooknecks that may or may not make it to the fruit stage.  We'll see....

  Counting down to the weekend visit of the husbands brother and sister. I can't wait to see them--2 of my favorite people in the world.  I have so much work to try and get done between shifts this week. And yes--I have a grand list.  :)

  Everyone is sleeping around me. I filled the bird water and food dishes and cleaned up a little in the kitchen. I have iced tea ready to make and  a couple of other little things and then I will probably head to bed. Feeling quite tired today.  I still need to feed the fish. Oops. Nearly forgot them. The aquarium is looking a little better all the time since I cleaned it the other day. I'm ashamed that I let it get that bad. I need to take the filter out and rinse it...it's still just a little milky in there. 

  Feeling a little spiritually adrift these days...not keeping to my usual routines of prayer and meditation. This happens to me from time to time and then I have an AHA! moment and get back on track.  I need to remember to.."Make time for quiet moments...as God whispers, and the world is loud." I'm glad I can notice this stuff today...and have the solutions to the problems.

  Watched several good movies the past few days...The Lincoln Lawyer, with Matthew McConaughey  and a wonderful cast that includes William H. Macy and Marissa Tomei and Ryan Phillippe...and a comedy called Your Highness, starring Danny McBride and James Franco.  Then I watched The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood, which I always love.  And some schmaltzy Hallmark movie about 2 Italian Winery families from the Napa Valley that I loved..with Patricia Heaton and Lainie Kazan and Tony Lo Bianco...the scenery was breath-taking and made me very homesick for that part of northern California where I lived when I first moved out there.  That's more tv/movie watching in 2 days than I do in a month!

  Alrighty then. Time for this old woman to get her affairs in order and start meandering towards her beauty sleep. I have a few unfinished things in the other room and then I am out of here. Have a great new week coming up, all y'all !!!!

  Namaste.


  

Messing up my PLAN....

Capricorn the Goat

Here's the thing.  I generally have a PLAN for my day. Even for my part days, when I know I have to head to MissB's house.  I am a list maker, among other things, because it helps me be more organized and efficient. (AND because I was forced to take one of those DayTimer workshops, and they brainwash the hell out of you and you never forget some of that stuff until the day you die.)  Anyways...on my days off, when I get to stay home and catch up on everything and accomplish Great Things...I always have a list that I make the night before. It is all prioritized and pretty and I generally stick to it. At best, I get a lot done. At worst, I know what needs doing and I either do it or I don't. If I don't (and this is the beauty of the DayTimer people and FranklinCovey), why, I just move it to tomorrow's list. FranklinCovey is the training team that the corporation I worked for a million years ago sent all it's management people to so that we could learn enhanced time management skills and enjoy greater personal productivity.  (FYI--I tried to refuse to go because I really am an old hippie and this was NOT my idea of a good time. I was threatened with demotion and possible job loss, as this was a MANDATORY workshop.)  

  But, I digress....

 Getting back to the original story here....when I woke up at around 8 AM, the Irishman was STILL HERE. He didn't go to work this morning, because he overslept and when he called in to say he'd be a little late, they told him there wasn't a lot to do and that if he wanted to just take a vacation day, he could. So, as any red blooded American man will do, he did. HE thought he'd done a great thing, because now he could be home with me all day.  I went into the bathroom and threw up. (Not really).

Here's the thing. He gets in my way. Even if he's out in the yard. Even if he's doing things totally unrelated to what I'm doing.  HE IS NOT PART OF MY PLAN.  So, I had to make breakfast, which cut into my list time. Then I had to make him lunch--again, not on my list. And I had to stop what I was doing a hundred time to answer a question or go "look at something".  

  All I got done today was ONE batch of jelly, 3 loads of laundry, and supper.  Oh, and I did color my hair. And that's another story.

 I put a medium auburn color on my hair, thinking I would lighten it up a little from the dark brown it usually is. (And yes--I AM ending that sentence with a preposition).  Well, it's red. I'm a redhead. Not copper penny red, but red red red nonetheless.  Not what I had in mind. Holy crapola. I jump every time I see myself in the mirror. He says it's not THAT bad, that I'm over reacting.  Oh, I'm over reacting alright. I'm ready to lay my head on a train track for a quick decapitation. I'm not going out without a hat for 6 weeks.

 So...today was a bust. I didn't get the floors vacuumed. I didn't get my teapots and googlies all put back up on the walls and shelves. I didn't get anything dusted. I didn't clean the closet or the spare room or my bedroom or my office.  I didn't pull weeds in the front yard or sweep the porches or clean the mudroom. I didn't paint the laundry room OR the front bathroom. I didn't do anything, except ruin my life with a box of Miss Clairol.

  At least I have things for tomorrows list though.

 I try to play catch up on Thursday so that I can play a little on Friday. Oh well.

 On a brighter note, we did have some lovely porterhouse steaks for supper, with corn on the cob and garlic green beans from the garden. The green beans have started producing again...I hope they keep it up through next weekend when the Irishman's brother and sister are coming.  I have a whole gallon in the fridge, and I'll have enough for a canner load in a few days. AND--my oven suddenly started working again. Go figure.

Alright. I'm off to bed. To dream dreams of a happy and useful life...one that does NOT include a DayTimer within arms reach AT ALL TIMES. (Oh yes they did--they pounded that home, over and over).  I did acquiesce, and kept it in the trunk of my car. And almost NEVER used it. I just couldn't...it was against everything I ever stood for.  lol

Namaste.

Twosday

  Summer is winding down.  I don't know if I'm relieved or glad or sorry to see it go.

  It's been a brutal season this year. Most of the garden is shot, although we have replanted for a late harvest..things like peas and green beans and turnips and kale.  We don't usually do this, as normally I get all the food I can use out of the first planting. But this year was crazy...first, WAY too much rain and then later no rain at all. A hot start and then a crazy cool down and then hellaciously hot temperatures for weeks and weeks.  Burned up everything. It's cooled dramatically in the past 2 weeks, but already the air conditioner has kicked on (and it's set at 76) so I'm thinking that if it kicks on at 6 AM...it may not bode well for the rest of the day...lol

   I have a new great nephew. I am so excited to go visit him...in a week or two, so that mama can get settled and the family, which consists of 2 school age boys and one day care aged girl can get into their new routines. I suspect they are having lots of company right now, so I shall save it until the dust settles. lol  I can do that, because I am old..  I have found directions for making all hand sewn bibs for babies in a book I got recently, titled "SEWN by HAND~~Two dozen projects stitched with needle and thread."  I thought it might be a cool thing to do, and be a keepsake as well. One of the bibs that I particularly liked, has  a cutout from one of those old linen kitchen calendars, you cut out the month the baby was born, and then embroider a tiny heart around the birth day. I love to make things by hand...and I haven't been doing much of it lately....

   I have family coming for a visit next week. I am excited about that too.

And mostly, this morning, I am tired. We were awakened last night by dogs going crazy around 2 AM, Mr. Opossum decided to pay a visit to the dog food bowl on the front porch.  Then we were roused again by something crazy that happened...the bedroom ceiling light came on. ALL BY ITSELF, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT !!!!!  Hmmmm...a visitor? Or just bad wiring from when my son and husband installed the new ceiling fan/light fixture?

  At any rate, I went to bed just after midnight and was up for the last time at 4:48...so I am thinking about going back to bed now. It's about 10 til 8...in the morning, people!!!!  lol  I am getting sleepy now..I stayed up and made the Irishman's breakfast and lunch for him...I may not plan any chores for today...and just go lie down and sleep if I need to. I don't do so well on not enough sleep...never used to bother me, I could go for days and days...not anymore.

  I made a crockpot full of beans yesterday...lovely Great Northerns and Butterbeans and Cannelini beans...cooked with dried okra (just because there was part of a bag ion the refrigerator door) and onion, carrot, celery and garlic. I have been hungry for beans lately, so it was just what I needed.

 I don't have to cook any dinner for tonight or really do anything I don't want to. 

  Yee Haw.

  The dogs are all sleeping around me, little Roxie has been out for her morning excavation effort (diggingest dog I've ever seen!), and it FEELS like it could be nap time....think I'll give it a try...

  Namaste, my friends.....

 

Shatterday

  August 20, 1985  was the day my dad died.  He was 60 years old, and died of lung cancer. It was a drawn out and debilitating death and  he was magnificent through it all. When he died, he was cremated and had his ashes scattered at Shelter Cove, in Northern California, one of his favorite places on this planet. I have this little fantasy in my head when I think of him being gone all these years, that like DB Cooper, he jumped out of that plane and landed on the beach and is sitting there in a chaise lounge,  drink in hand, watching the surf roll in and out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   It's funny, even after all these years--26 now-- that I don't always consciously remember this date, but my body and my psyche does. It's  cell memory, and  for a couple of days now I have been very emotional and exhausted and  wondering why I started crying today watching Extreme Home Makeover.  It wasn't until about an hour ago, reading my Facebook page where a friend was saying it was the anniversary of his mom's death, and then reading that they have named my newest great-nephew (who was born yesterday) after my father, that it hit me that today is the day he died.

  My stepmom had called and asked me if there was a chance I could get down to see him anytime soon, and I was too busy and couldn't get away just then. My visits with him were getting more and more difficult (for me) as I was watching him deteriorate and having to face the cold hard facts that I was about to lose him. He and I had pretty much said everything that needed saying and he had made a couple of requests of me and it seemed like all I could ever do was cry when I was with him. It is so hard to watch someone you love die. I was so scared and so angry and nothing in my world made sense.  I got a call at 5 o'clock in the morning, telling me he had died in his sleep and that she would keep him at home until I got there to tell him goodbye. I lived 4 hours away at the time.  In a daze, I packed a bag and left. My husband didn't go with me, and so I had to make the drive by myself. I probably never forgave him for that... I don't even know how I got there.

  The loss of a parent is something we all have to deal with sooner or later, and for me it was sooner all the way around. My mother had died 5 years earlier, and it didn't have near the immediate impact that this did. In time, as I have learned, a person gets to experience all the things you missed or refused to deal with when it comes to this emotional stuff.  Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly...

  Now I am old.  I am amazed still at the nature of grief...the power of that soul chewing sense of loss.  There has been a lot of loss in my life, and that's what happens when you live long enough, I guess. I am sure that it has affected my personality and hope that it has made me a more compassionate and mindful person. 

  And now, this tiny little man has come into the world to carry on my father's name.  He is beautiful and healthy and weighed in at 8lbs 4oz.

  I once suggested naming my son after my dad, and he offered to beat me with a skillet if I EVER did that.  lol He went by a nickname all his life and most people never knew him by anything else. His name was Oscar. No middle name. I don't know who he was named after, if somewhere in the family tree there was another Oscar that can be blamed for my fathers misfortune, or if it just pleased my granny. All I know is that everyone who knew him called him Brownie.  My brother just told his son that--that there was a reason everyone called him Brownie.  And I know he would have hated it, but would have been so proud at the same time.

  So, here I sit, amazed at the circle of life, even though I sometimes feel beat up by it as well.  Missing my dad, excited about seeing the newest member of our family, and relieved that my emotional rollercoaster isn't just a glitch in my aging brain.  There's a reason I'm feeling sad and even if my addled brain didn't remember, the rest of me did, and so it is. I want to lay my head on my desk and cry...cry for all the things he missed by dying so young. Cry because he never got to see any of his great grandchildren.  Cry because he never got to see his own children grow into relatively happy and healthy adults. He never got to see me get sober and he never got to meet my Irishman and he'll never get to see my gardens or my little home in the country.

 He would have loved it all. He really, really would have.

Namaste.

Thursdays are a busy day

 This is Caylee.  She's having the hardest time with the new dog...she doesn't like change.  lol

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    Thursdays are always a busy day, for one reason or another. Usually, I am home for the day, and trying to catch up on all the chores that slide on the days when I am not. I try to catch up the laundry and do any vacuuming, housecleaning, etc that I need doing so I can play on Friday, the other day when I am home. HOWEVER.  I will not be home today, as I am working to atone for the time I took off with the kiddos. I do have some things to get done, one of them being off to the bank and then to the feed store to get chicken scratch grains. I have a good sized bag, close to 10 pounds, of Roma tomatoes in the other room, waiting to be made into Old Fashioned Tomato Preserves. I may not get vacuuming or laundry done today, as the window of opportunity is slamming down with a vengeance the longer I sit here on the computer.  lol  I have been up for several hours, and have had coffee, and am still in my pj's and oh, dear...well, all I can think is that this is the perfect chance to visit a feed store I haven't been to that is closer to my house than the one I usually go to and if I play my cards right, Roxie and I could be in the car heading down the road in less than 15 minutes.

 Roxie.  Yes...we took a car ride yesterday and she was in hog heaven. She stood on my lap and stuck her tiny head out the window and had her ears flapping in the wind...just like a real dog! lol  She's so comical, with those stubby little legs and that sweet face of hers, always looking to me to see if she's doing something wrong before she proceeds.  Today I Will take her with me to MissB's house, to play with the little Pomeranian and run in the fenced back yard.  I have told MissB all about her and when she remembers, would love to see her. She slept out on the couch last night and slept like a baby. The first night I put her in a crate, thinking it would be better for her, but she barked and cried half the night. That wasn't better for ME...I got almost no sleep. Last night was blissful.  She has a little pillow here on a box of books that she has learned to jump and curl up on, right next to my desk. When I'm here, so is she.  She's sleeping and making funny little puppy noises.  She loves to go outside and the Irishman took her out into the garden with him last night. He said he laughed so much...you can barely see her above the grass. Said twice she started to dig, but when he told her NO- she stopped.  When they came back home, she curled up next to him on the couch and snuggled.  That's where I found them when I got here.

  A new dog in the house always wreaks a little havoc for a bit, while everyone tries to find and re-find their spot in the hierarchy. It doesn't take long usually, and every now and then there might be a little power struggle. Just like their humans.  lol

  I need to get moving. It's a cloudy warm morning out there and I think we may have some thunderstorms on the forecast. A cool front was moving in last night...yesterday I saw school buses, kids walking home form school..and I guess it's really getting on fall. They are starting school about 2 weeks earlier than usual, it seems to me. Brings back memories...

  Thursday----here I come!!!!!!!

Namaste.