Then end of another month finds me nursing a sickish husband who has a congestion/sinus-y sore throaty kind of bug. Everyone around these parts seems to have it...not me. Yet. lol I'm faithfully taking the Vitamins B&C&D and Echinacea and Goldenseal and a little zinc thrown in for good measure. And washing my hands A LOT. And staying away from sickies wherever I can. Got a call from my youngest sister this morning. She's pretty upset about her daughter who was calling her crazy drunk at 5:30 AM begging her to come get her. She was at home, and was in the floor so drunk she couldn't get up. This is the second major episode of this...my sister (naturally) is terrified and doesn't know what to do, so I said I'd call and see if she will talk to me. I've called twice now and she isn't returning my calls. The kid is only 23 years old...was sobbing that she has no friends, she hates her life, she drinks every day before work. Please keep C- in some prayers if you have extras. Maybe this will be a bottom for her, but I'm skeptical. One of my sponslings has relapsed again as well. Has been lying about smoking pot and went on another good bender a few nights ago. I wish I could spoon feed this sobriety thing to people, but I can't. If only they could believe that this is the easier, softer way! But they cannot and will not. So, I sit on the sidelines and I wait. Maybe they will have a flash of clarity before it is too late for them. Maybe they won't. I'm so grateful to be sober today, and to have that excruciating first year behind me. I'm grateful that I was 37 when I got here...and not so young that all I could think was "I need to have fun..." By 37, I had drank all the fun out of life. By 37, I was an empty shell of a human being. I read a really lovely meditation on Thursday that I wanted to share here. It is titled : I am a radiating center of peace. Heat emanates from the core of the sun, where particles bump and collide, radiating energy and warmth. When I turn my face to the sun, I feel the power that is released from deep within it, benefitting me and all of the planet Earth. Deep within me, Divine Light radiates love and energy throughouot my mind, body and spirit. Loving expressions emanate from the core of me, from my Divine nature. I have within me all I need to radiate love and peace into the world. Outward expressions of peace begin with inner peace. I focus and center myself on the Divine Light within, and every thought I hold and every word I speak are bathed in peace. I am blessed beyond my understanding today by the life I get to live. To be a grain of sand on the most beautiful beach in the Universe, to be a droplet of water in a gorgeously wild river. To be in a position to put out a helping hand every now and again and make a difference in someone's life. To look through the pain of this life sometimes and know...that behind every opportunity lies a lesson to help me on the path to Dharma, to understanding, to love. Namaste.
Monsoon weather here...relatively warm and pouring rain. The front yard looks like a rice paddy, creeks are overflowing their banks, and all everybody wants to do is sleep. I keep losing my satellite signal and am having a hard time downloading sites or pictures. It's very annoying. Tonight we will go to the home of a friend and have chili and dogs and I'm taking all the stuff to make Mexican Hot Chocolate. It's a wonderful concoction of chocolate, almonds and vanilla...piping hot and finished off in a blender to make it all frothy and good. I have some wonderful memories of early sobriety all mixed up in Mexican hot chocolate... Husbandman is feeling a little under the weather...bit of a scratchy throat. Think I'll make some french onion soup for lunch. We had a late breakfast as we slept in, so I still have time, even though it's almost noon already. There are some horrendous bugs making the rounds in this part of the country. I keep faithfully taking my echinaca and goldenseal and Vitamin C and D. So far (knock wood) it has missed me. I know personally at least 6 people that are sick though. yikes! A couple have landed in hospital emergency rooms. There seems to be a lot of pneumonia and bronchitis attached to this bug. Neither of us get the flu vaccines, so...we'll see. It sounds like maybe the rain has stopped for a minute. last night when I was driving to the meeting it was coming down so fast and furious that I had the wipers on full tilt and slowed the car down to about 15 miles per hour. It was yucky out there. I have a few more chores to do when I get off here, and need to get that soup started. I wanted to stop in early becasue I suspect we'll be out a little late tonight... I'm grateful to have friends who do fun stuff. I'm grateful I'm not one of those people whose life is over because they don't drink anymore. The truth of it is that when I stopped pouring booze into this hole in my face and deadening my heart, my life began. I have done more fun things sober than I ever did drinking. When I opened my soul to joy...everything shifted. I'm going to try to post my picture again on this post, but if it won't, it won't. lol I finished the autumnal wreath I was making, but I wanted to post the Halloween wreath I had made for my daughter-in-law a few years ago,...because it seems apropos. Weather weather everywhere...Grateful to be inside where it's warm and dry. Happy weekend to all you spooks and goblins...Namaste.
Little G-Rod enjoying the beauty of autumn... This is a tree I brought with me from North Carolina when I moved here. I dug that baby up and toted it right on over here. It was a gift from a friend's yard. Thanks, Kim!! I am grateful for an especially wonderful day. I am long tired and worn out, but it was a good day, all in all. I got to pass on a message of hope, attend a meeting, have lunch with nice people and learn some important lessons. It doesn't get any better than that... Tonight we had a blazing orange sunset that hung low beneath a horizon of cloud bank. It was spectacular. I love sunsets. I am absolutely head over heels in love with color this time of year. Look at that red maple...it's brilliant. The golds and oranges of the sugar maples are breathtaking. The brown of the dirt getting ready for a winters nap is earthy and satisfying. I was listening to the radio this morning in the car, and they were playing a song called Everybody has a hungry heart...I have a hungry heart for beauty and for nature and for love. I wouldn't have it any other way. I pulled off the road to watch a flock of cattle egrets in a field today. They are in the process of harvesting fields around these parts and the weather is not cooperating. Our one day of rain has turned into 3...so far. The stubble of the cornfields full of crows and egrets moves me. This time of year, we get to see streaming flocks of blackbirds, sometimes in a swath a hundred feet wide and 2 miles long. Bazillions of them, gliding and swooping and doing their graceful acrobatics just for me. I pull off the road to watch them sometimes, they are so amazing. Our winter birds are slowly reappearing and I need to see how much suet I have to put out. I am going to try making homemade suet this year too... Feeling grateful and blessed has made a world of difference in the way I look at everything from my life to the world around me. What a gift, eh? Namaste.
(I know, I know...you've seen this before. But..it amuses me.)
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Long busy day again today and another tomorrow. I will be up at 5 (ohgod-it'safternidnightnow!!!!!!!!!!!) and am meeting with someone at 9 and then someone else at noon. I am full to the brim with newcomer sponslings suddenly. I always have one or two, but right now I have 5. And all the others. Of course the others are not high maintenance at all, as they range from 1 year to 16 years sober. Let me rephrase that. LOL. Many of them aren't high maintenance. In the past month, I have given out a 1 year and a 3 year and a 14 coin. A 6 month coin. 2- 30 day coins. And it has all been a giant blessing to me. My life in sobriety has been filled with grace and people and love and annoyances. And I wouldn't trade a minute of it.
Autumn is upon us. The colors are breathtaking this year (because of all the rain I guess). I walk/drive around with my mouth hanging open every day. Detour Road is glorious...looks like the Master Painter dipped his brush in crimson and gold and magenta and orange and then flung it about madly. I love the fact that it's cool, and you can smell the woodsmoke in the air. The fat woolly caterpillars are everywhere. A few days ago, we had a splash of warm temperatures that brought on an invasion of ladybugs and it was like a Hitchcock movie out here! Gazillions of them....swarming like hornets. It was a trip. Beautiful chrysanthemums are everywhere...burgundy, gold, dark orange and cream. The cattails are a gorgeous orange gold color...right before they turn brown. Lots of rain has brought the green back to the grass.
I think about all the years I drank myself into not seeing any of the beautiful world around me. I see now what I missed. And I have had the good fortune to live in some of the most extraordinary places in this country. I am glad I can experience and appreciate the beauty today. That I can sit out back and take a deep breath and feel the hand of God all around me. That I have ..."Nowhere to go...No one to be...Nothing to do.".... And can saturate myself with nature and all her blessings. The first year I was sober I was out walking on the beach at Humboldt bay and marvelling at all the things I'd never noticed before...and I had lived there a long time. I looked up from the sand to see a large pod of whales migrating...it took my breath away. Today my life is all about moments which take my breath away. Flowers, sunsets, butterflies, love. The smell of fresh baked bread. A perfect brown egg.
I am especially blessed.....
Namaste.
This is a plant called coral bells ..it comes back every year if you baby it just a little, and the leaves come in every color from this light green with red veins to a dark crimson color. This is at my house in NC, from 5 years ago. This little thing would just bloom like crazy every year...the most beautiful and fragile looking white flowers. It's really quite gorgeous. The yard and gardens have that yucky end of season look. Here in the midwest, when things are done, they are DONE. lol I suddenly have giant radishes coming up in the garden though...rather, they're leafing out again. I planted icicle radishes all scattered throughout the gardens because they are a good form of pest control in an organic garden. Lots of buggies are attracted to them. I've been pulling them up and feeding them to the chickens, who adore them. I even pulled up some volunteer peas... All my lilies and roses and flowers look terrible, as we just had our first near miss of a frost last night. It's warmer today and tonight, but still chilly. 41 right now @ 10:30. Tomorrow is supposed to be much warmer than it has been. That's fine by me. lol I brought home a 5 gallon bucket of coffee grounds today from the District meeting. The facilities guy said, I'm throwing these out. He's a friend of mine and I said I'd take them for my garden. He doesn't have a hard time giving them away in the summer apparently. I told him I'd throw 'em in my compost and on my garden beds, if he wanted to keep them for me. It was a small meeting today, and our delegate was there to give a report on his participation at the 2009 GSO conference. He's a very nice man and it was interesting (to me, anyway). I chaired the meeting in the absence of our DCM...good practice for me. I think when the time comes next year, I will stand for the chair in the election. I've stayed active in service and it brings me great satisfaction...I know lots of people don't like this end of the AA game, but I do. I'm grateful that I have something to give back. I'm blessed to have had lots of bad experiences in my life that have made me useful to God. I'm really grateful to be sober...to have a good life...and to be me today. I'm grateful to have made friends in the rooms 19 years ago that are still my friends today. I'm grateful that I know somebody who's sober in almost every state in the union. I'm blessed to have an extended family that reaches across continents, and no matter where I go in the world, I am home. Waiting for a young girl to call me back who's having a rough time of late. She's going to come out tomorrow and stay a bit and see if we can get through some serious issues and find some possible solutions. I thank my Creator for the opportunity, no matter how far down the scale I had gone, to be useful and helpful and compassionate. And for giving me just enough of everything I need to be able to help someone else from time to time. Such a deal....Namaste.
It's a cool but sunny day...afternoon now. I've spent a chunk of the morning reading a book I got yesterday by Alice Hoffman called The Ice Queen...a book that touched me in places I haven't been touched in for some time. I have laughed out loud, sobbed and read in awe of the mysteries of lightning. I just finished it. Husbandman is gone to the frigid far north for his parents 25th anniversary. I elected to stay here and take care of animals, both ours and the neighbors. I also had a commitment to run the district meeting on Sunday as the head cheese has to work that day. So, I am enjoying my solitude. People keep calling me and asking if I'm alright, do I need them to come out and stay, do I want to come stay at their homes??? NO. I don't understand why so many people are so afraid of being along...I treasure it. Maybe it's from growing up in such a large family where you can barely breathe most of the time. Maybe it's because living with another human being has always been a trial for me. Maybe I just like the quiet...I haven't even turned on the radio...At any rate, I'm about to turn my telephone off for the rest of the day, just to have some peace. I spent some time working out in my studio...making an autumnal wreath for my front door. It's turning out quite nicely... I will take a picture of it when it's done. I make some at Xmas time, and I even made one for Halloween for my DIL one year--that was fun...all sorts of spiders and bats and skeletons all over it. I watched The Devil Wears Prada and ate popcorn with nutritional yeast and butter on it. I ate leftovers for supper...the last of the Caribbean sew and some mashed potatoes. It's supposed to freeze tonight...I brought in some plants. Mostly I have just oozed around the place and enjoyed being alone. I finished cleaning up the kitchen...and the cat boxes. All but one of the cats is in tonight, and I keep calling her but she won't come. It's the one in the picture here. Junko Taibei... I think she must be under the house, as last night when I was here I swore I heard her, and went to the door several times and she was nowhere to be found. Little Caylee is outside too, and doesn't want to come in. So--I turned the porch light off and left her out there. The other dogs are in and I'm sure she'll get lonesome enough in short order. I'm ready to get in bed and read a bit....I have a new book of Alice Walker's early poems...Her Blue Body Everything We Know...Earthling Poems 1965-1990 It was at the sale table at Borders...and I love her and buy everything I haven't read before. She's my hero.... And here's one of my favorites: "Good Night Willie Lee, I'll See You In The Morning" Looking down into my fathers dead face for the last time my mother said without tears, without smiles without regrets but with civility "Good night, Willie Lee, I'll see you in the morning." And it was then I knew that the healing of all our wounds is forgiveness that permits a promise of our return at the end. --Alice Walker (1974) Namaste.
A chilly and early morning here...Have someone coming over at 11, so I wanted to get up early and clean house a little. My lovely doggies woke me up at 6 barking their fool heads off. I've just started my coffee and am awakening from the dream a little. lol I've made a list of things to do, and will try to complete as many of them as possible...I need to get cream for my coffee, as I forgot it yesterday and had exactly enough for one cup. Sitting here making lists and waiting for the computer to come on, I have cleaned my desk, which was a mess. Fixed the calendars (god--is it really the middle of the month already!!! lol) . Turned the dryer on to finish drying the loveseat cover and blankets that I washed last night. The big quilt that saves the sofa from the dirty dogs s in the washer, waiting it's turn to be tumble dried. I have at least one kitten in heat, as I see spatters of blood on the dictionary pages where she sat. I shouldn't even still have these 2 female cats...they are supposed to be in their new home. Maybe by the end of the week. I'll vacuum and dust and make things a bit more presentable. Also need to mop the wood floors, they're a mess from dogs tracking in muddy footprints on Friday. That's about the size of it. Had a good weekend, filled with meetings and fellowship. Yesterday we went up river to a little town called Kampsville, right on the banks of the Illinois River. They have a weekend festival called Old Settlers Days this time of year and we have been going a few years in a row now. It's fun and we tromped through the exhibits and ate chicken and dumplings and had homemade root beer...there was a booth making fresh potato chips...that's always good. Lots of pioneer type demonstrations going on, black powder shoots (not my favorite part), and people running around in period costumes. Well, just got an email from my visitor asking for directions. Guess I'd better get cleaning... One of the readings I do in the morning said this today: .........."Wherever I go, I make myself at home by sharing the love in my heart. I am encouraged as I look for the best in every person and situation. I have faith that whatever I seek, I will find." With those comforting words, I bid you adieu for now. Have a blessed and satisfying day... Namaste.
