My new mantra. Because if I don't keep telling myself this, I might start to be afraid and believe otherwise. And we can't have that happening. I've made the mistake of watching the news a few times this past couple of weeks. Even if I didn't, there's the internet, which is more than happy to spew stuff at me...killings, hate crimes, politics, racism...you name it. Stupid people. The list goes on and on. It not only makes me tired, it starts eating away at the core of my being. And I become terse and sarcastic and jaded. And I know when I tell you this, that it is only a reaction to the fear that nibbles away at my psyche. Because I am afraid sometimes, when I look at the world, that we are not evolving fast enough or completely enough. People are unkind and even children are mean. There's so much craziness out there...I try to remember that hurt people, hurt people. And concentrate on the fact that we all need healing. I belonged to a church when I lived in North Carolina that I initially joined because I wanted to sing. One of the things that we did there that I absolutely adored was Prayerwalking. We would walk through our own and others neighborhoods, and as we passed each house, we say a short prayer, blessing all the people who lived there. We would bless the schools and the stores and the playgrounds. And doing that changed me in ways I never understood. It connected me to my community. It was like I now had a personal vested interest in the people around me for the first time.
I later became involved in an internet project where I made a list of people who needed special blessings, and each morning as part of my prayer and meditation time, I would hold these people in the light and bless them with all the things they needed. It was a life changing experience. I still do this, maybe on a little smaller scale, but it keeps me grounded most of the time.
I did another prosperity and abundance project where I made a special jar labeled with these words :
This is an abundant Universe.
I always have more than I need.
I always have wealth to share.
Then I was told to make a commitment to put money in that jar every day, any amount that I could easily afford. And at the end of 3 months, I would donate that money to a charity, or pass it on anonymously to someone that I knew that needed it. Sometimes I gave it to a pet rescue. Sometimes I handed it over to a homeless person. Sometimes I put it in an envelope and left it in someones mailbox or on their porch. This endeavor shifted something in me where money was concerned. I did this for almost 4 years. Some months I could afford to put more money in, some months less. It didn't matter. It was the act of giving and sharing that was the point. Of knowing that I had enough to share with someone less fortunate. I still have my jar, and I really should start doing this again.
The most recent thing I've gotten involved in is writing love letters. It's a huge project that is all about writing little love letters and leaving them in places for people to find. People are doing it all over the country. There's also another part of this where they learn of someone in dire need of them, and they put out a request and bombard this person with bundles and bundles of love letters. All anonymous. All little pep talks. All reminding us how magnificent we are and that we are loved. And people find these notes, and when they're going through hard times or battling depression or other illnesses...and they contact the site and comment on how it affected them. It's stupendous. And it all came out of a depressed lonely girl, trying to find some way to make herself feel better. Here's a link: http://www.facebook.com/MoreLoveLetters
All I'm saying here is that there are a lot of ways to cope with life. I have learned from a 12 step program that the best thing I can do to get out of my own head is to do something for someone else. The best way to feel better is to make someone else feel better. On a large scale or small scale...we can all make a difference.
"We cannot do great things, but we can do small things with great love."
~ Mother Teresa
And now, for the teary part of our program...
This morning, Miss Roxie was having a hard time. Her breathing was so rapid to be almost gasping. Her heart was racing. I couldn't get in to our vet until 4:30 and I was afraid to wait that long. (He has 2 offices, one far away where he is in the mornings and the one closer that he comes to at 4.) I tried another vet that we have seen and he was gone until next week. I finally just walked in to another vet I haven't been to and asked if there was a chance the doc could take a quick look at her. He did, and 162 dollars later, I was told she has heart worms and she is experiencing tachycardia. This could be from throwing a clot, or the heartworms had blocked a valve. He wanted to do another $300 worth of tests on her and I declined--he had a hard time getting the blood draw for the heartworm test. He did an EKG which came out pretty normal except for the rapid heartbeat. It's about twice what it should be. He wants her on antibiotics for 3 weeks and then will treat the heartworm. I don't understand this, and am going to call another vet tomorrow. He gave explicit orders concerning her resting and not jumping or getting excited. She's lost a lot of her energy, as you can imagine. I am so very worried that we're going to lose her. Apparently, her last heartworm test gave a false negative, something that happens more often than you'd think. I'm afraid. Afraid we will lose her before they can treat her. Afraid I can't afford the treatment. Afraid afraid afraid. I hate this. I hate watching her distress. I hate not being able to fix her so that everything's okay right now. We've only had her for one year, and I'm so attached to her that you'd think she was always mine.
Please say a little prayer for her, if you're so inclined. We need all the good healing positive energy we can muster.
Alright. I am exhausted and ready for bed. Tomorrow is a new day, and I need to be at my best for it.