Monday, November 30, 2009

Monday, November 30th, 2009


I'm so blessed to have friends today, and they're almost all the "good" kind of friends. Not the kind I used to have, the ones who were always there for you as long as you were buying the next round. The ones who were there when they needed something from you (which was usually the case). I'm talking about the kind of friends that are there when you're hurting, and are there when you need them, no matter what time of day or night. The ones who care about you, even when you're not at your best. Or maybe it's ESPECIALLY when you're not at your best. People in my life that I don't have to lie to, or worry about what they think of me. The kind who love me just as I am, warts and all. The kind who love me even when I'm acting like an ass.

I guess what brought this on was a conversation I had today wiith someone who has no friends except the people he drinks with. He has no self esteem, no identity apart from partying, and no self respect left. He has started lying about everything all the time, and it breaks my heart. I know he's in a lot of pain, and yet he refuses to even consider that there might be another way to live. And today I had to give him the old spiel...the one about I only care if I don't drink. I don't have any business with what you do. The one about, if you aren't finished drinking, then you're wasting your time here. And as brutal as it sounds, it's the truth and we all know it. Each and every one of us has to drink until there's no reason to drink anymore. And then we can set aside our perceptions and misconceptions about sobriety, and open our minds that tiny crack to let the willingness in. Be beaten up enough to let the hand of AA reach out to us and to grab on for dear life. And some of us grab it and many of us don't. And that's just how it is. No one an get any one else sober...each of us has to make the choice to not pick up that drink. I'm so grateful to have gotten sober in a place where they hammered into me in the beginning...JUST DON'T DRINK! NO matter what, we have to want to be sober more than we want to be drunk. And if we can't find that, we are not done. Period.

But as for me, I am grateful to be past that awful first year of not drinking, no matter what. And into the part where it doesn't even occur to me...not even when my ass is falling off. lol

And I'm grateful to have people in my life who support me and this decision not to drink. They not only support me, they love me. And I am happy. And for the first time in my life, I like being me. I don't fantasize about being you. I don't constantly wish I was someone and somewhere else.

And life is a dance.....



Andrew said...

I'm so glad that you are my friend.

I am sorry that your friend can't see that sobriety is such a good thing. All we can do is be an example of what is possible.

Much Love.

Prayer Girl said...

What a miracle sobriety is.

It is God's gift for sure, but then we must meet that with our own action to take hold of that gift, take off the ribbon and the tape, open that gift, look for what is inside, and then read the directions and follow them.

Have a beautiful day.

big Jenn said...

denial is a powerful thing.jeNN

Gabriella Moonlight said...

It's interesting what brings us to the program and keeps us there. Mine was just someone telling me I didn't have to drink again! wow!

I missed you and am so glad you're back!!!