Funny how the world just keeps on going, when my heart is broken

 Grateful for a lot of things.  Grateful that the world keeps on and that my broken heart is a sure sign of a healthy  emotional life.  It's easy to forget that loving and losing and grieving are signs of a healthy life. Bella is still looking for Roxie, and every night she goes to where Roxie's bed was and sniffs around and finally lays right over the spot. In the evening when I aqm in here on the computer, she comes in and lays on the very spot where Roxie died.  And when she does these things, it makes me cry. The other two dogs are a little depressed, but Bella is the one most affected I think. Well, Bella and I...


  I don't want it to sound like I am sitting around crying all the time, because I'm not.  BUt every now and again, I get a sharp stab of pain...knowing I'll never see her again.  Thinking I hear her coming down the hall.  Just too soon gone...and isn't that how it is ?



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  This morning I thought I wanted split pea soup. Wouldn't you know that there is every type of bean on God's earth in this house except split peas ?  LOL  I planned to get out and run some errands anyway, because we are spiraling back into winter weather after  3 days that were 50 or above. They've predicted snow and I was down to about enough Sumatran beans to make another 2 pots of coffee. ALERT!!WARNING WARNING !! Cannot run out of coffee beans.  LOL

  So, I bought 6 bags of split peas and thought I'd fix that for supper, when I realized that I have 5 avocados on the counter that are going to be overripe in about 20 minutes. So...instead of split pea soup tonight, we are having chicken nachos, with beans, chilies, cheese, salsa, black olives, onions, sour cream and guacamole. The local market had a big meat sale going on, so I bought a family pack of chicken thighs. I froze  most of them and put 5 in the oven to bake. I'll pull the meat off and top the nachos with them. Fun, filling food to eat with our fingers while we watch television.

 But dammit, tomorrow I'm fixing split pea soup !!

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  The temps were at 51 this morning around  9 AM...around 11 started falling rapidly and it's now windy, spitting snow and 30 degrees. Heading for 22 apparently. I can hear the wind howling out there. Last night we had temps in the 70's and tornado warnings and high winds and thunderstorms.  It's bizarre.

   The house is cozy, and the smell of baked chicken permeates everything.  I still have some leftover peach/pear cobbler from the weekend , so dessert is taken care of, if we should need any.  I've been kinda hungry for something chocolate though, so tomorrow I might bake some cream cheese brownies. Have to see how I feel.

  The Irishman will be home in about 45 minutes, so I guess I'd better get in there and get busy. Gotta open a jar of home canned pinto beans and season those up a little with some garlic, onions and cumin and green chilies.  Then I'll load up the big baking pan with chips and beans and chicken and cheese. Into the oven, and when it comes out all the other stuff goes on top. Gotta get the guac made too.

  Happy Hump Day, everyone.

  Thank you all for your love and support--it has meant the world to me.



Namaste.


 

R.I.P. Roxie Kelley

 This is one of the last pictures I took of my sweet little dog...just the day before yesterday.  Last night at 6:13 PM, January 27, 2013, Roxie  left us. But not without saying goodbye.


  She had been particularly listless and unable to walk far without repsiratory distress.  She was snuggled up with the Irishman on the couch, under the blankets. We had finished supper, but she wasn't eating...not even the juicy chunk of baked chicken I tried to give her. She'd barely eaten anything all day. She suddenly sat up and leaned against dad and nuzzled at him and he petted her and then without warning, she hopped off the couch before he could stop her to help. She poked at Bella with her nose and then trotted into the office where I was.  When she came in here, she nuzzled against my leg and I reached down and petted her and rubbed her ears. She was wagging her tail and I said--hey, look at that waggy tail-that's what I like to see! And she licked my hand and walked over by her pillow where she always lays, and laid down. Then she kinda tipped to one side and I yelled for the Irishman...he came running and I was crying. she's dying...I said, she's dying. It took about 5 minutes or so for her to completely stop breathing. We loved her and petted her and kept our hands on her.  We told her that it was okay, that everything was okay...we told her she was a good dog and that we loved her.  And then she was gone, after one last gasp.

  This morning we buried her by one of her favorite hole digging spots, all wrapped up in her red and polka dot fleece blanket that I made for her because she was always cold..  She would burrow into it every night to sleep.  She would climb out of it every morning when I called "Come on Rox--let's go do the chickens.". 

  My husband and son dug the hole for her and we all said a few words about her and what a great little dog she was, that rescuing us like she did was the greatest thing that ever happened. I petted and kissed her shiny black head before the Irishman lowered her into the grave. 

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  I am doing some cathartic housecleaning this morning. I am all cried out, I think. The past week has been hard and I cried for her. Last night and today, I have cried for me.   I am grateful she isn't suffering anymore.  I am grateful that I took a little daschund that I didn't really want, when my niece found her abandoned in the house she had for sale. I am grateful that our lives were enriched by a little dog who was fiercely loyal and a constant companion...partly because she was afraid of being left again, but hey--I'll take it.  We loved each other completely...and it just doesn't get any better than that.

  A friend sent me this, and I wanted to share it because it is so true....

Okay. I'm going back to some work so I don't have to think so much.

  Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and prayers during this painful time...I appreciate every one of you.




Namaste.

Projects

 I am practicing some extra gratitude today to try and still my whirlwind mind.  I have decided that I should tackle a few projects today, to keep my hands and brains busy...I'm so worried about my little doggie and having a terrible time keeping from going over the top about it all. I'm watching her breathing so hard and her little heart is still beating faster than it should and the vet put her on antibiotics..I'm not sure why as I never did get a straight answer out of him. Every time I asked him, he would revert back to wanting to do all those extra tests , blah blah blah... I am really trying to trust that it's going to be alright, but it sure is hard.

  So.  Grateful heart, peaceful mind.  Okay.

  I'm doing some laundry right now. I am going to tackle that guest room closet/pantry, because it's such a mess I can't find anything in there. I am also going to organize my office a little better.  Not sure just how yet, but it's important that it get done. Yesterday I put up a parquet vinyl tile about 1/3 of the way up the little hallway wall. It turned out pretty good, but was also a little harder than I thought it was going to be. lol  The cutting part.  That hallway wall gets slammed all the time with dogs and dog balls...we play fetch with Miss Molly McGee, the Jack Russell Terrorist by throwing the ball down the hallway.  She and it bounce off that wall like players in a jai alai game .  It is constantly dirty and gross looking.  SInce I know for sure that the game will never change, I have decided the path of least resistance to be covering it with something that is washable, and won't show up everything like the sage green wall does. Voila! I thought about something chic, like small pieces of driftwood glued to the wall in a pattern...and realized that A) I don't live by the sea anymore and B) It's so dusty out here in the country that it would just be a new and probably harder thing to keep clean. Then I remembered the vinyl tiles. We used them last year when my son put all new hardware on the kitchen cabinets and lined the shelves and bottoms of all the cabinets with the tile, which would take a beating and be very easy to clean. I had just enough of them left over. So far they're holding, but if they don't, my son brought me some spray adhesive to put them up with. (If I had waited another hour to do the job, he would have been here with it and probably done it for me. lol) 

  The Irishman has been out in the front yard pruning fruit trees this morning.  He's going out later to try to find a new work coat. His job trashes his clothing, so I gently suggested he go to thrift stores and try first. I buy all his jeans and T-shirts from Goodwill.  It's crazy to pay new prices for stuff that's going to have welding torch holes burned in it the first time he wears them, or that tar stuff he paints pipe with that doesn't come off.  I really hope he can find something--he's apparently going on his own...and he's not a patient shopper. Sigh....

  I started a new jar of orange peels and vinegar cleaner.  I have a full spray bottle of the cleaner, but it takes a few weeks for the vinegar and orange to really infuse.  It makes a nice cleaner and I've been doing this for a few years now.  I found a recipe for making regular liquid dish soap that I'm going to try too...maybe next week. That should be interesting... 


  Wellll..........guess I've lollygagged around here enough. Little Roxie is sleeping in a patch of sunlight, the temps outside have hit 35 on their way to warm. The laundry is going, filling the house with the clean smells of a little bleach and homemade detergent.  The boyo just came in for a minute, off work early today and came home with a plethora of leftover marble, granite and adhesives and grout from the job they just finished. He said the guy told him--this is going in the dumpster unless you want it. So, he loaded it all up in his truck and took it to his storage unit. He said that those boxes of black granite tile are at least a hundred bucks each, and he got 5 of them. Perks of being the tile guy, lol.

  The Irishman is off on his shopping spree. This should be interesting. There are 2 things that he and I rarely do together and shopping is one of them. (The other is going to Mass with his parents). lol

 I'm off to tackle the back pantry.  Wish me luck.


Namaste.

Wednesday already ?

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  My new mantra. Because if I don't keep telling myself this, I might start to be afraid and believe otherwise.  And we can't have that happening. I've made the mistake of watching the news a few times this past couple of weeks.  Even if I didn't, there's the internet, which is more than happy to spew stuff at me...killings, hate crimes, politics, racism...you name it. Stupid people. The list goes on and on. It not only makes me tired, it starts eating away at the core of my being.  And I become terse and sarcastic and jaded.   And I know when I tell you this, that it is only a reaction to the fear that nibbles away at my psyche. Because I am afraid sometimes, when I look at the world, that we are not evolving fast enough or completely enough. People are unkind and even children are mean. There's so much craziness out there...I try to remember that hurt people, hurt people.  And concentrate on the fact that we all need healing. I belonged to a church when I lived in North Carolina that I initially joined because I wanted to sing.  One of the things that we did there that I absolutely adored was Prayerwalking. We would walk through our own and others neighborhoods, and as we passed each house, we say a short prayer, blessing all the people who lived there. We would bless the schools and the stores and the playgrounds. And doing that changed me in ways I never understood.  It connected me to my community. It was like I now had a personal vested interest in the people around me for the first time.

 I later became involved in an internet project where I made a list of people who needed special blessings, and each morning as part of my prayer and meditation time, I would hold these people in the light and bless them with all the things they needed. It was a life changing experience. I still do this, maybe on a little smaller scale, but it keeps me grounded most of the time.


  I did another prosperity and abundance project where I made a special jar labeled with these words :

      This is an abundant Universe.
      I always have more than I need.
      I always have wealth to share.

 Then I was told to make a commitment to put money in that jar every day, any amount that I could easily afford.   And at the end of 3 months, I would donate that money to a charity, or pass it on anonymously to someone that I knew that needed it.  Sometimes I gave it to a pet rescue. Sometimes I handed it over to a homeless person. Sometimes I put it in an envelope and left it in someones mailbox or on their porch.  This endeavor shifted something in me where money was concerned.  I did this for almost 4 years. Some months I could afford to put more money in, some months less. It didn't matter.  It was the act of giving and sharing that was the point.  Of  knowing that I had enough to share with someone less fortunate. I still have my jar, and I really should start doing this again.


  The most recent thing I've gotten involved in is writing love letters.  It's a huge project that is all about writing little love letters and leaving them in places for people to find.  People are doing it all over the country. There's also another part of this where they learn of someone in dire need of them, and they put out a request and bombard this person with bundles and bundles of love letters.  All anonymous.  All little pep talks. All reminding us how magnificent we are and that we are loved.  And people find these notes, and when they're going through hard times  or battling depression or other illnesses...and they contact the site and comment on how it affected them. It's stupendous.  And it all came out of a depressed lonely girl, trying to find some way to make herself feel better. Here's a link: http://www.facebook.com/MoreLoveLetters


 All I'm saying here is that there are a lot of ways to cope with life. I have learned from a 12 step program that the best thing I can do to get out of my own head is to do something for someone else. The best way to feel better is to make someone else feel better.  On a large scale or small scale...we can all make a difference.  

"We cannot do great things, but we can do small things with great love."

~ Mother Teresa

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  And now, for the teary part of our program...

This morning, Miss Roxie was having a hard time. Her breathing was so rapid to be almost gasping. Her heart was racing. I couldn't get in to our vet until 4:30 and I was afraid to wait that long. (He has 2 offices, one far away where he is in the mornings and the one closer that he comes to at 4.)  I tried another vet that we have seen and he was gone until next week. I finally just walked in to another vet I haven't been to and asked if there was a chance the doc could take a quick look at her.  He did, and 162 dollars later, I was told she has heart worms and she is experiencing tachycardia. This could be from throwing a clot, or the heartworms had blocked a valve.  He wanted to do another $300 worth of tests on her and I declined--he had a hard time getting the blood draw for the heartworm test.  He did an EKG which came out pretty normal except for the rapid heartbeat. It's about twice what it should be. He wants her on antibiotics for 3 weeks and then will treat the heartworm. I don't understand this, and am going to call another vet tomorrow. He gave explicit orders concerning her resting and not jumping or getting excited.  She's lost a lot of her energy, as you can imagine.  I am so very worried that we're going to lose her. Apparently, her last heartworm test gave a false negative, something that happens more often than you'd think.  I'm afraid. Afraid we will lose her before they can treat her. Afraid I can't afford the treatment. Afraid afraid afraid.  I hate this. I hate watching her distress. I hate not being able to fix her so that everything's okay right now.  We've only had her for one year, and I'm so attached to her that you'd think she was always mine.

Please say a little prayer for her, if you're so inclined. We need all the good healing positive energy we can muster.

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Alright. I am exhausted and ready for bed. Tomorrow is a new day, and I need to be at my best for it.

Namaste.

It's a cold, cold Sunday

  I really like this picture.... I really like this idea...we're all just walking each other home...

 I remember when I was a kid, and we always said this when a friend had been at the house to play, and you'd yell to your mom "I'm going to walk her home!!!"  and you go and stretch out the play day a little longer. Because you could never, ever go straight somewhere and straight back home, no matter what your mom told you to do.  And there was something special about that walking each other home. It was a private time to talk (or not) and to look at every little thing in your path, and to look in the neighbor's windows as you passed by. And to try to guess if it was suppertime at every body else's house too...and what they were having, and could it ever be as good as what YOUR mom made.  And then stopping at the edge of the yard and waving goodbyes and going back home.  And taking your sweet time about it.


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  We had a crazy beautiful day yesterday, over 60 degrees. Sunny and brilliant. Skies so blue it looked like a movie. I took a trip to a flea market and bought an antique metal bed frame for 10 bucks. I bought a couple of other little things too. And had some excitement, as I lost my car keys (a hole in my jacket pocket) and panicked a little before backtracking some and then going to the office and finding that the keys had been turned in by a little girl who found them in a booth. Thank goodness !  My little Roxie was in the car.  All's well that ends well.  It was really my first big day out since I've been sick and I kinda overdid it I guess, because by the time I got home I was exhausted. I sat on the front porch in the sunshine and read a bit, then got up and  swept the porch. Then I read a little more (Book 3 of the Hunger Games Trilogy) and then I went inside and did some dishes and swept up a little and straightened couch covers and such.  Today I was out for a bit this morning and then came home. I am tired. And I am coughing a bit again.  Sigh.....

  It's 24 degrees right now and heading for 18.  It feels frigid out there. It never got above about 26 degrees today.  Guess winter is back. But then my father-in-law called and said it was 4 below there.  And then I read Mama Pea and it was seriously cold there. So, maybe I should shut up about it. lol


  Friday I am going to a friends house where a mutual friend is going to give the 2 of us an elementary knitting lesson.  I am excited about that.  A friend is coming by tomorrow and I have a couple of other plans for the week. Hopefully I am not getting this cold back again...I am going to make some nice chicken soup tomorrow...that should help.


 I am having a hissy fit tonight with my electronics. My digital camera won't download any pictures. I think the problem may be in the USB cable. I tried to re-take the pictures with my iPhone, but it won't let my into the Instagram app--says it needs to be updated, but it won't let me update it because it says my id/password is incorrect.  AARRGGHHHHH...I was talking to a friend and told her I just need to go back to 2 cans and a string. and a Kodak instamatic. lol  I am so tired of this iPhone...it's entirely more work than it's worth to me. Hate hate hate it.  And of course I am stuck with it. Another year I guess. 

  So I'm tired and cranky and coughing and  woried about my little dog.  She seems to breathing hard a lot of the time. Pat says maybe she got our bug and that could be it...but she's also 8 or 9 years old and I don't know how long doxies live, but it's probably around 10 or 12. And that upsets me.  She doesn't seem to be in a lot of distress...her nose is cool and moist. Her eyes look a little tired to me.  Anyway, one more thing on my mind tonight...

  Made a yummy supper of soba noodles with a bunch of veggies cooked in coconut milk. Hit the spot.

  Guess I'm gonna call it a night. Feeling tired and about ready to jump in that big warm sleigh bed with the lovely quilts, and my sweetheart sleeping away next to me.  And start again tomorrow.



Namaste.

Thursdays child is full of...well, you know...

Little Roxie the Doxie under one of her favorite blankies. This little rescue dog is SO spoiled....

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  It's been a long day today, for some reason.  It's only 10 PM and I feel like I have been awake for a hundred hours. Didn't do much today besides tend critters and vacuum and clean the big bathroom. And finish reading the second book in the Hunger Games trilogy. And lay around. Just kinda tired today...

  Got a call from my sister, telling me that my niece (who lost a baby over a year ago) had a sonogram today. It's a boy, it's big, it's healthy.  Good news for everyone concerned. 

 It was crisp and chilly today...enough to make you put on a coat and gloves when you ventured out.  Tomorrow is slated for the low 50's and Saturday for the mid 50's.  Then all hell is gonna break loose, and all next week will have highs around 20.  I keep forgetting it's mid January...

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  Feeling a little low. Mary Moon's mother died yesterday, and reading her blog has stirred up all kinds of memories and feelings about the death of my own mother, 33 years ago.  Wow. 33 years ago.  I was 27...certainly too young to deal with the death of a mother I had such a hard life with...but, maybe you're never old enough.  At any rate, I have been thinking about it all day, and that's probably part of the reason for my tiredness as well.  Nothing that can be changed.  And I always think it should be less traumatic by now, and I guess it is, a little.  But it's still a strong memory and it still affects me in ways that surprise me.  Even now, after all these years. And I think, I am tired of death, of people dying, of the scars that it leaves on my heart. Of  course, that's foolish...everything and everyone dies sometime. But the gamut of emotions is exhausting...sick people die, and it's a blessing. Babies die, and it's a travesty. Old people die, and it's their time.  And it's mysterious and it's frightening and it's a relief and it's inevitable. But all in all, we feel like we are such victims of a fickle fate.  Because we can't control it..and we are a people who SO like to control things. 

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  Anyway....

    Tomorrow I am calling and making an appointment with a place called Riverbend Physical Medicine. They are a medical/chiropractic/wellness  group that I have been researching, and  hopefully they can help me with these problems I'm having.  Pain, neuropathy, severely stiff joints. Weight gain (again).  I have dragged my feet long enough...it's getting to the point where I am crying from pain sometimes. It's ridiculous. They take Medicare and I have no supplemental insurance, so hopefully they won't laugh me out the door. And hopefully I won't go bankrupt trying to get this taken care of.

  Then I have a date at noon with a friend to hit a meeting. I need one.  lol

   Saturday I have a friend coming out for lunch.  That will be nice, especially as the day is supposed to be in the mid 50's.  Not sure what I'll make...probably some french onion soup and salad. Easy enough. Whatever I make she will appreciate. It will be good, spending time with women I care about.  I've been home, in my head, for a little too long. I'm still not completely over this bug, and the nightime coughing gets a little icky. I've been putting Vicks on my chest and throat before bed, and that helps a lot.  Arrgghhh...I wish it would just go away, but that doesn't seem to be the nature of this beast.


Alright. It's almost 11 PM, so I can go to bed now. lol  My son stopped in after work to tell me that he didn't get the little house in the country he was hoping for.  I managed to not jump up and down cheering. lol  It won't be long before he will be going though, I can feel it. It's right. I know that. But I sure love having him here.....even though I don't see him everyday.


  Sweet dreams, friends.




Namaste.

Monday was a typical January Day

   This is a batch of Puttansca sauce for the spaghetti for tonight's supper. I made spaghetti and salad and bread.  Earthy fare for a cold night.
 Didn't get any pictures of the beautiful salad I made because we were starving.

 And since it was cold enough to freeze your hiney, I stayed in the house almost all day. Had to go out and do the chooks of course, first thing. Their water bowl was frozen solid and they were none too happy about the frigid day out there.  It was about 16 when I first got up, but made it all the way up to 26 before the day was over and it started to spiral back down.  Supposed to get down to 12 tonight.

  I made a batch of artisan bread dough around noon and turned on the oven and decided to make oatmeal applesauce cookies. It cozied up the house right nice. The dough has to raise about 5 hours, so I thought that would work out pretty good for fresh bread for supper.

 
 Here it is, resting for half an hour before going into the oven. Boy, was it ever good. The batch made one large loaf and 2 smaller loaves and I went ahead and baked them all because there's not much room in the fridge for a bowl of dough. lol


 I took a shower after the Irishman tonight and so only had enough hot water left for about half the dishes. So, I still have work waiting for me in the other room. lol  Not that much left though, if you don't count the nasty mess I made all over the stovetop. No matter how hard I try, I always make a mess when I make spaghetti sauce. Every time.  sigh...


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  Had a relatively productive day today. Have you ever noticed that no matter how many times you do laundry, you always have to do it again? lol  3 loads today. And decided to wait until tomorrow to wash the love seat covers. Got company coming for lunch on Wednesday.  I also got the nasty aquarium cleaned. That's a job I despise...it always takes longer than I think it's going to. You have to siphon water out of it and vacuum the rocks...and replace about 2/3 of the water. It's a little over a 30 gallon aquarium, so it's no mean feat hauling 4- 5 gallon buckets of dirty fish poop water from the living room to the bathroom. Can I just say...YUCK !  lol  Then (because I don't do it often enough) I have to scrape the top of the walls and down along the bottom as well. Lime buildup mostly, mixed in with a little algae.  It has 2 filters that have to be taken out, scrubbed down (slime--YUCK) and have the cartridges replaced.  It looks really good once it's done, but lordy....

  3 things on my list that didn't get done. But there's always tomorrow...Of course, tomorrow's list already has 6 things on it. (I can't win). lol


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Alright. Dishes are finished, stovetop is sparkly clean.  Everything's put away. Roxie is all snuggled in her doggie bed, Miss Molly McGee is asleep on the sofa, covered up with one of the fleece blankets.  Bella and Caylee are in here sleeping at my feet, snoring softly and chasing rabbits in their dreams. All the cats are in, the bird is covered and chirping now and then to remind me that tomorrow is his day for a housecleaning.

  Outside the sky is clear and dark, and everything is already completely iced over. Supposed to warm up some by Wednesday...that'll be nice.

 My bedtime is here.  Mr. Sandman....here I come !!




Namaste.