Wait ?? What ??? Where did the last 3 months go ???

 

  Good grief.  I haven't posted since September.  I don't know where I've been or what I was doing, but it apparently wasn't here. 

  Truth is I have been on the run a little again.  Only to cardiac rehab, but still.  3 times a week, a one hour drive there and back. And all the stuff in between.  But now I have abandoned the trip to that hospital 3x a week because the covid virus is spiking like crazy in that county and I am not willing to risk it, especially in a hospital setting where everyone, visitors and patients, employees and vendors are all coming in the same entrance, using the same elevators and restrooms. So now I haven't left the house in a bit, except for one trip to the grocery.  

  Trying to make sure my food stocks are appropriate, and that I have all my ducks in a row for the coming winter.  I've ordered a few Xmas gifts online for front porch delivery.  We don't buy a lot anyway, so that was easy. My pantry and freezer is full. I will probably make a few curbside pickup orders from Aldis throughout, as my husband can easily get them on his way home from work.  

 About ready to maybe put up some Xmas decos.  I usually wait until the middle of the month and then leave them all up until after my birthday.  Jan 6th is the Twelfth Day of Xmas. It will also be my 68th trip around the sun.  2020 has been what it's been, and I am not sorry to see it go.  lol  Anyway, I still have some lifting limitations, so the weekend has himself here to carry the totes in from the garage. Every year I put up less and less decorations.  My husband used to say that it looked like Father Xmas had vomited all over our house.  lol  Now it's a tabletop tree and some of my Santa collection mostly.  A few other things here and there. The less I put out the less I have to put away. There's that.  lol  I have a few pine and cinnamon candles to complete the ambiance.  Good enough. But sometimes I still miss the old days...

  The pandemic is still roaring around us. I stopped going to the cardiac rehab at the hospital because that county has a crazy level of infections. So I am walking every other day, doing a pedal exerciser and a cardio video... all at home.  A friends parents have tested positive for covid and was at their house for Thanksgiving, so now everyone is quarantined.  2 other friends are still hospitalized with it. I have known about 8 people now who have died from it. We are all really becoming numbed to the whole thing. Some people are angry, some are depressed. Some try to act like nothing is happening and some are letting it make them crazy. Somehow we have to find the middle ground and do the right things and get through this. At my house we wear masks when we are out, keep masks, gloves AND hand sanitizer in both the cars, and use the hand sanitizer before getting out of the car and upon getting back in. And stay home as much as we possibly can. 

  I have done a little canning this week and am picking up a bunch of sweet potatoes tomorrow, so hopefully will have plenty of those to can as well as some to bake. They're from a local grower and I'm not sure just how much she has available, but I'll get as much as I can.  I canned roast beef  this past week too when I found a good sale on it.  Might pick up some more tomorrow and do another canner load, or maybe not. The pantry is looking pretty good in terms of veg/meat/grains ratios. 

  So that catches you up from Honeysuckle Hill. Oh, and at the 3.5 month mark from my heart surgery it's all systems GO, all my numbers are good, and the cardiac surgeon team AND the cardiology team don't want to see me again for a year.  Unless something comes up, and then I am to call them. So feeling pretty good all around.  I do have one more appt next week with the wound care people and then I think they will be done with me.  The wounds on my leg form the vein harvest are finally almost healed up. Grateful to be alive and feeling pretty darn healthy.

  So, stay safe, wash your hands, stay home and let this bitch of a pandemic  run it's course and git on outta here.

Quiet Moments

  This hangs on the wall above my computer. Helps me to be reminded that quiet is good (not boring) and that if I don't shut up sometimes I can't hear. 

  It's been a crazy few weeks and things are settling down now.  I had 2 follow-up dr appointments yesterday with the cardiologist and the surgeon and everything is right on track. It was a long tiring day and I came home and fell into a nice sleep.  lol  I am still way more tired than normal [for me], but they assure me that open heart surgery will do that to a body. All my lab work and tests are in line. I am cleared to drive again (can't wait) and can start cardiac rehab and begin lifting 15 pounds instead of 8.  lol  It's the little things in life.  I can even vacuum my own floors, as long as I take it easy and rest if I feel tired.  (I do that anyway).  Funny how the littlest things of normalcy feel like such a big deal. Having health issues like this throw me for a loop. Everything feels surreal and weird and I am way more of a creature of habit than I like to think I am.

  I have earned some really important lessons of late.  Lessons about accepting help and lessons about who says they will and don't. One reason or another... all reminding me that my happiness CANNOT be contingent on anyone else's behavior.  People will be how they are, and because I am in the recovery community, a lot of the people I know are not necessarily the most reliable or trustworthy.  Old habits die hard. Bless them, and change me, as one of my friends says.  My part is not having expectations of people.  Their part is growth.  I always say that we are all on a path... and most of us are at different places on that path.  It's the trudging that counts.  What is that saying ?  Before Enlightenment--chop wood, carry water.  After Enlightenment--chop wood, carry water.  You still gotta chop and carry. lol  I would say I am learning patience too, but that might be a lie.  Some days, if anything, I am more impatient than ever. With myself AND with others. With my body. With healing. Sigh...

  I am having some issues with my leg where they harvested the veins. The gouges don't want to heal right. So I went through a painful process of debriding last week and go again on Tuesday. In the meantime, I am packing the holes with an iodine soaked strip and changing it twice a day. It's gross. And it hurts now. My sleep is erratic. Some nights I simply cannot fall asleep. Some nights I doze off and on. Some nights I sleep like the dead for 7 hours or more. Something I will talk to them about on Tuesday. The cardiac rehab starts tomorrow and we'll see how that goes.

  All in all-- that's about it from the Hill. Husband and I went grocery shopping today and it about wore me out.  Had meant to go all week, but decided I shouldn't do it alone just yet. He did all the heavy lifting of course and was very sweet about it all. We got home, I laid down a bit and we had some leftover Caribbean stew for supper and watched some tv. Masterpiece Theater for one. A police mystery set in Amsterdam.  It was quite good. I have a 10:30 AM appointment in the morning, so I hope to be in bed and asleep at a reasonable hour. Am munching on a small bowl of green grapes and thinking about the weather change... I was freezing last  night, so tonight I put a nice thick warm blanket on my side of the bed. I also got the little bathroom heater out when I took a shower this morning. Nights have been in the mid forties and today never hit 70. One of the meds is making me sick at my stomach, and I think it may be the antibiotic she gave me for my leg. I've been actively nauseous or queasy all day.  Yuck.

  I have a few dishes to do before I wind this night up. I've been trying to get this piece written for 4 days.  lol  Ah...  finally.

My humble, broken heart...

 

  On August 9th, 2020  I had a mild heart attack.  I'd been having some minor issues for several days (weeks?) like  tightness in my chest (ala acid reflux, I thought), some shortness of breath and unexplained random nausea. Himself took one look at me and said-- put your shoes on, we're going to the ER.  I said, no, wait.... let me sit a minute and see if it passes.   I've been to ERs 4 times over the last 15 years with this stuff and it was acid reflux every time (they said). I got really clammy and sweaty and hot and he practically threw me over his shoulder and carried me to the car.  He asked if I wanted to go to Alton and I said NO--take me to Litchfield , which was about 5 minutes closer. We got there and my blood pressure was sky high, about 248/135.  I had checked it at home and it read about the same, so I assumed my cuff wasn't working right. lol  They did initial tests and said they were going to keep me overnight for observation and run the tests again in 5 hours.  When they did, I was off the charts. They came in and told us they were making arrangements to send me to Springfield (our state capitol) to St John's and the Prairie Heart Institute. They said I had had a heart attack. I was baffled.  I arrived up there sometime the next morning and was put in a bed on the Cardio Vascular Care Unit. That afternoon a cardiologist came in and filled me in. Said the troponin levels were trending back down, which was good news.  He ordered some more tests and blood work and said that when he got those results, he would decide if I got a stress test or a heart cath the next morning. I told him I was pretty sure my heart was okay.  He smiled and said-- we'll see.  But..but.. I eat way too much brown rice and kale to be having a heart attack !! I don't smoke !!  Never have.  I don't drink !  I eat healthy !  He said he had looked at my family history of heart disease and sometimes genetics win.  Came back in later that evening and told me that I was scheduled for a heart catheterization first thing in the morning.Gave me a bunch more information that I don't remember. 

  The heart cath showed a 90% blockage in the big artery and 60 and 80% blockages in the other 3. He told me they call that big  artery the widowmaker. Seemingly healthy people walking around and suddenly drop dead in the garden.  So, I was scheduled for a Quadruple CABG first thing in the morning on August 13th.  It was about a 7.5 hour surgery.  Except for the vein harvest in my leg, it went off without a hitch. Luckily I came with all my own spare parts, but the guy had a helluva time getting that leg vein to cooperate. Said he NEVER had problems like that one.  So my leg looks pretty gnarly (it's healing, but damn...).  Seems the process for this surgery is pretty grotesque.  They deflate your lungs to get them out of the way. They somehow dehydrate your body (for less messy cleanup, I'm assuming)  lol.  Then (as one nurse said when I was complaining about my back hurting)--"They lay you out like one of those flattened deboned chickens".  After the fun is over, they wire your breastbone back together and glue and stitch you up. Start the process of RE-hydrating you. They must have pumped a million gallons of fluids back into me  lol  Then after you are out of the Cardiac ICU, they put you on lasix to get any extra fluids back out of you.  It's dizzying. I had a terrible time coming out of the anesthesia. I have been clean and sober for over 30 years, and being bombarded with all the drugs sent me into a tailspin. I hallucinated for 3 days post op. I was so scared, I can't even tell you. I was afraid I had brain damage. Then they tell you you need rest, and proceed to wake you up about every 3 hours for blood tests and xrays and vitals checks. About 7 days later, if you're lucky, you get to go home.  I was lucky. So, now I have been home a little over 2 weeks. Everyday I am a little stronger and mostly feel a little better.  I am still tired a lot and nap a couple of times a day. I am pushing myself to try to do a little more every day. I am on a lot of medications (many of which I swore I would not take). But I promised himself that this time I would do everything they told me to do...so there's that. I am not a good patient. Ever.

  I have a visiting nurse that comes twice a week to look at incisions and check me out.  My friend came down from up north to stay with me these first 2 weeks at home to help, and I could not have done it without her. I can never repay her for her kindness and assistance.  💜  Thanks Angela  💜   The outpouring of love and cards and gifts and well wishes from hundreds of people in my little world has been overwhelming. I am beyond humbled by the kindnesses.  I already know how traumatic events can change a person and this is no exception. In the midst of this pandemic the whole world is changing.  My little corner of the Universe, and myself (as the Queen of Quite A Lot) has shifted once again.  I am grateful to be alive.  And to have had maybe some of the best nurses and doctors in the whole world. The surgical team was most amazing, the hospital experience was stellar, and the nursing care was some of the best I have ever seen. So many things could have happened so differently...

  True to form, I was the life of the party at the hospital (esp before the surgery), lol  I kept them laughing and acted like a complete Pollyanna thru the whole thing.  After I came home, I broke down for a bit and cried myself to sleep almost every night. Tears of gratitude, fear and relief.   Tears of getting way more love from people than I deserve.  Tears of coming a little too close to dying. It's not so much that I'm afraid to die, as I told a nurse one night, it's just that you're dead for such a looooong time.  lol

  In the middle of my hospital stay, my mother-in-law died.  My husband left Wednesday to go to Wisconsin to help his siblings deal with stuff. His dad is in a nursing home there and he needed to see him. Life goes on... it's messy and the timing is bad sometimes and the wheels just keep on turning. Somewhere in the future, we will find the time for things to get back to normal. 

  Personally, I can't wait.  

The Audacity of Hope

 The title of this post is, of course, from the book of the same name by President Barack Obama.

  I'm writing this today from a country that used to be the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.  A country where respect and common decency used to be the norm. Now it's a place where a militia type Federal police force made up of a gang of thugs (made up mostly of security forces from the border where they hate anyone who isn't white already) . I remember  the shootings of students by National Guardsman at Kent State and how the entire nation was shocked to the core by the killings at a war protest. Now it's a country where people are being pulled off the streets and dragged into unmarked vans and whisked away. (Does any of this sound familiar ?)  Now it's a place where a long respected heroic BLACK congressman dies and the POTUS refuses to attend the funeral. And then refuses to put the flags at half mast and then does for half a day (amid backlash) and then removes it again.  Now it's a country where the  Administration incites hate and racial unrest every time he opens his mouth.  The latest is his stirring up shit among white suburbanites and publicly rescinding affordable housing acts put in place by the guy that wrote this book. 

  How did we go from an educated, literate compassionate president to this monstrosity that is in the WH now ?  This man whose gibberish is impossible to understand ? Who can't speak in full sentences ?  A man who declares bankruptcy over and over, neglecting to pay his bills, lying and lying and lying some more. And then claims to be a successful businessman who is going to "help" this country get back on it's feet. (Which, btw, was not "off" it's feet until he took office and started screwing with International trade relations, screwing over American farmers, and the hundreds of other things he has done to line his own and his cronies pockets.  

  There are no ethics, no integrity and no soul in our government anymore. We have turned into Hitler's Nazi Germany. This once great country of ours, forever a beacon of hope and good in the world, is now a sad laughingstock. And the ones that aren't laughing are shaking their heads in despair and fear.

  I can't decide if I am going to post this blog  or not. I am so despondent over the state of things here.  My inclination is one of 2 things: to completely withdraw from the world and stay here at home on Honeysuckle Hill doing what I can to prepare for the crash that is coming (or already here-- food shortages, outrageous unemployment, civil unrest)  or get my old fat happy ass out on the streets and scream until something changes.  I guess you know which one I'm choosing.  I screamed about Nixon. I screamed about the Viet Nam war, I screamed about Reagan and I screamed about Bush (es).  I have laryngitis of the soul from all the screaming I have done in the past.  I am tired.

  But... today is a sunny Sunday and I am contemplating making some kind of dessert.  And maybe a low country boil (because that's fun).  I am considering the idea that meditation and prayer might be the only things I can do these days. Living with intention. I despair over the people I have known who think this is all great or funny or whatever the hell they think. The ones that harbor as much hatred and fear and racism as the man in charge of this country does. They probably really need my prayers, but I have a hard time not closing my heart to them. 5 years ago, if you asked me if those kind of people were actually in my life, I would have said, no--of course not.  The people I am friends with are not like that.  Turns out many of them are.  And it breaks my heart.

  I am stopping here.   Maybe I will post it, maybe I won't.  But I feel better having gotten some of it off my chest.  I think I'll work on straightening up my little living space and listen to some soothing music. My soul is tired...

Pretty sure it's a sign of the impending apocalypse...

   Is it just me ?  Good grief.  In all kinds of situations and circumstances, I am finding myself shaking my head in bafflement and bewilderment.  I try to stay away from the news, except for a once daily update on important things.  The people around me are acting like complete morons, while Covid numbers are rising all around. There have been 4  cases of it at my husbands job... and one guy has a newborn baby, and mama and baby have both tested positive. 2 of the guys were at a kegger together last week.  One thought he was just feeling hung over. I went to a store this morning that has big signs saying, Face Coverings Required, yet 1/3 of the people in there did NOT have them on and no one said a word to them.  I read that there were 4 dead and 26 hospitalized in Arizona after drinking hand sanitizer. WTH is wrong with these people ??  Today I was on a cooking site that I visit from time to time, and a woman asked if anyone knew any other way to cook broccoli besides IN THE OVEN , because it is too hot to run her oven for 45 MINUTES.  WHAT ?????  I have never in my almost 68 years on this planet heard of cooking BROCCOLI in the oven.  And my God, certainly not for 45 minutes !!!  People asking questions like, how do you cook noodles ??  WHAT ???    My head is about to explode.

  It's been stupid hot here, with outrageous heat indexes tacked on.  It's too hot to go outside and try to do anything, not much better in the house, where the poor central AC cannot keep up.  My electric bill is thru the roof. I shut everything down at night, but it runs for 12 hours.  We have been having days of intermittent storms and that cools it down to about 80 at midnight. Also waters the heck out of all the giant weeds growing in my front yard. They grow so fast you can't see where any weed whacking was done. The mower is still in the shop.  I'm living in an overgrown meadow, for crying out loud.  The trash pandas (raccoons) stripped my peach tree, so if I want peaches I'm going to have to buy them and they're running about 15 dollars for a half peck. Outrageous.  But the prices of everything have gone up and even things on sale don't seem like sale prices now. 

  I am pretty stocked up.  I have plenty of masks and gloves and hand sanitizer and wipes and toilet paper.  I need to stock up some dog food and cat food, but it's been readily available so I haven't worried too much about it. My food storage is in pretty good shape. We won't starve for awhile. But I have to tell you... I'm more than a little concerned about people.  Not having basic cooking skills is abhorrent to me.  Thinking none of this is going to affect you, is unbelievable to me. The complete lack of consideration and the selfishness of not caring what happens to anyone else as long as you aren't inconvenienced is so alien to my way of thinking that I feel like I am drowning in despair. 

  I'm going to bed now, with high hopes that I will feel better in the morning and not so snarky and exhausted.  Another hot one on the books, but I will do everything I can to stay cool.  Got everything done today that needed doing, so, there's that.  I even cancelled 2 appts, one medical,  one opthamologist, because I don't know if we should be in quarantine or not.  Neither appt was a life and death deal, so I rescheduled them both. Yay me.  Really didn't feel like going to St Louis.  Or seeing people.  lol

   So, don't worry about me.  I am the eternal optimist.  Here's your smile for the day...

Independence Days...Covid 2020 Edition ...

   

   Back in the good old days of 2011, I posted several times on the idea of keeping things stocked up and about a book I was reading by a woman named Sharon Astyk. The name of the book is  INDEPENDENCE DAYS.  As fortune would have it, I was able to take an online class she was holding about food storage and preservation. I am better than a lot of people about this kind of thing, and have been a long time.  But she taught me invaluable things and gave me a new perspective about it all.  Rereading my posts from when I was awash in gardens and chickens has made me almost  melancholy tonight.  But Sharon (with a little prodding from her fan base) has started up the Independence Days challenge again...at a time when many of us are fearful of what the future holds. Of course, some of us have been living this lifestyle all along, and others are looking to learn it.  The "challenge" was to report every week on what you have.been able to do (or not do, in some cases)... 

Plant or Harvest something: Not everyone can garden, but many people can, and many others can forage for local greens or fruit, or be involved in gleaning.

Preserve something: Again, I find preserving is most productive if I try and do a little every day that there is anything, from the first dried raspberry leaves and jarred rhubarb to the last squashes at the end of the season. This category also covers preserving and protecting local resources, community resources, things that would otherwise be destroyed. So it counts when you make jam and counts when you work to keep your local drug counseling service in business despite budget cuts.

Waste not: Reducing food waste, composting everything or feeding it to animals, reducing your use of disposables and creation of garbage, reusing things that would otherwise go to waste, making sure your preserved and stored foods are kept in good shape – all of these count. Also dumpster diving, salvaging and repairing items.

Want Not: Adding to your food storage or stash of goods for emergencies, building up resources that will be useful in the long term. Making yourself more economically secure. Paying down debt, finding new sources of income, reducing expenditures and costs, increasing savings. Also reorganizing so that you waste less or use less or spend less.

Eating the food: It is a running joke among gardeners that it is harder to eat the food than it is to grow it sometimes. Making full and good use of what you have, making sure that you are getting everything you can from your food, trying new recipes and new cooking ideas, eating out of your storage! Also, using up food pantry bounty and other food you don't get to choose. Creative use of leftovers, and helping feed others - everything from little free pantries to sharing with neighbors. We all want to know what you are cooking this week.

Caregiving and enhancing community support systems and mutual aid. This can be formal organizations that already exist or working with your neighbors, or caring for your own family members. This includes fundraising, volunteer work, helping out your neighbors, advocacy for better supports and services, political activism, anything you do to make your community a better place. Whenever you step up to protect and care for those who can't do it for themselves, you are doing incredibly important work. Of course, this includes homeschool, helping out senior and disabled family members, helping out people with kids, etc...

Skill up: What did you learn this week that will help you in the future – could be as simple as fixing the faucet or as hard as building a barn, as simple as a new way of keeping records or as complicated as teaching calculus to your kids. Whatever you are learning, you get a merit badge for it – this is important stuff. It doesn't matter if you'll ever make money at it (although that's good too) if it helps you get along, grow, make our new reality better, you should be proud.

Winter is Coming: Finally, whatever you do to make your home and immediate surroundings better for a long and hard upcoming year or few years. What does your home or your life or your job need to make it viable? How are you going to continue to make your home and religious and cultural and family life worth living? What do you need to improve things for yourselves and your neighbors? What are you doing to get ready if things don't get better, but instead get worse? You don't have to believe we're all doomed to hedge your bets on this one.

Hope you'll join me! You are welcome to share, repost, whatever you like. This is one of those "more fun if more people do it" things.

So, there it is.  I have pulled my book out too (That's the cover photo here), to spend some time looking at what else I might need to do. I am going to try to shore up my food stocks, and not forget that I also have some 4 legged family that needs to eat. My garden areas are unusable right now but I vow to have them back in order by next year.  In the meantime I can buy produce from other gardeners and farmers markets and at least spread my money around to people who can use it.  I also have a healthy stock of canned goods and other items from grocery stores.  

  In spite of what you might think, things have not begun to get rough.  It can get much worse than anything we've seen in our lifetimes. Are you ready ???

  A couple of years after I read this book and took this class, my husband and I were in a one car rollover accident. He is the breadwinner in our family and I was on SS.  He broke a vertebrae in his back and couldn't work for  three and a half months.  No short term disability. The company he works for were great, they let him take his vacation and holiday pay for the year. But there was no other income besides my SS.  Insurance paid for the car and much of the medical bills. It was Memorial Day weekend, so not even halfway through the year. I had already taken some measures (per the class) to cut back some of our expenses. I had food stores in place.  I took a pad and pencil; and went through my freezers and my pantries and made lists of meals I could cook with what I had on hand. In the 3.5 months, I spent exactly $37.43  at the grocery store.  For things like toilet paper and rice and olive oil. By the end of it, Old Mother Hubbard's pantry was pretty bare, but we did not go hungry or do without.  And then I thought-- this.  This is why I do this.  Not because of the Zombie Apocalypse or because I'm a doomsday prepper.  But because things happen.  And we need to be prepared for that.  And now we are in the middle of a global pandemic, which makes these things more important than ever.  Am I as ready as I wish I was ?  Maybe not.  But I have tools and I have guidelines and I have support systems. 

  I am luckier than some.  

Rant time in the old town tonight

  It's been a couple of days.  I am outraged tonight at the stupidity of people about this Covid pandemic and wearing masks and social distancing.  Selfish, inconsiderate fools. I blocked about 15 people tonight on my Facebook page because I have had it with this bs.  I can't believe that I am letting it get to me like this, but it is.  I should be in bed. I have to get up in about 7 hours, but I needed to get this out of me or I won't sleep anyway. 

  This pandemic has already killed 5 people that I know.  The latest was my husbands barber, who had battled cancer last year and was immuno compromised.  A lovely woman in her late 40's.  We live in a fairly rural area of Illinois, a little over an hour south of the state capitol. The closest city to us is about 25 minutes north, a small city of  around 8000 people. This happens to be the town where my husband works.  A local church there has been having gatherings and services  and after the 4th of July, 25 people there tested positive for this virus.  One of those people works with my guy.  Thankfully (we hope) my guy was on vacation from July 1 through July 11. However...this person came to work for several days after the 4th sick, -you know, just a little sick. Then a little sicker every day. Then couldn't make it to work. Then was rushed by ambulance  to the hospital (from his home) because he couldn't breathe.  3 days this past week my husband worked with all the guys that worked with and were exposed to Covid by the sick guy.  The health dept is involved and I guess they will have some meetings on Monday to decide what the next steps are.  Test all the remaining employees. See if they have enough employees left to keep the plant open. In the meantime, all these men (and 2 women in the office) have potentially taken this virus home to their families. And that possibly includes my husband bringing it home to me.  He's a pretty healthy 60 year old. I am a sort of healthy 67 year old. We wear masks and we social distance and we stay home a LOT.  But now, none of that could matter.  I am trying not to lose my shit over this...at least until we have the facts. 

  And this is why people are making me crazy tonight.  I have given up believing that we are a nation of  [mostly]  rational common sense people. That has been apparent to me the past 3.5 years. But this is in my backyard now and I have no patience whatsoever for the bullshit. 

  I promise you that I am not a generally violent person. But I am ready to throat punch some people.
And I hate feeling like this. I am not a drama queen. I am not a hysterical person.  I mostly am able to live and let live. But this is really getting to  be a deal.  You do not have the right to ignore public health guidelines which endanger the people around you.  You do not have the right to endanger others because it's inconvenient to you.  If you are stupid enough to believe that this is a hoax perpetrated by ANYBODY, then you need to go right ahead and take yourself out of the gene pool.  Please--do humanity a favor. 

  Guess I'm running out of words. And energy.  And I stand by every word I wrote.  

  Maybe I can sleep...

This life of mine...

  I found these at Aldi's last week again finally.  I first had them about a year ago and fell in love...and they never had them again.  They are awesome pretzels.  Oh so good.  Not that I need to be snacking on anything. I have gained 13 pounds since the shut down started.  And unfortunately I don't care. I am having all kinds of old people shit going on and as much as I wish I was 27 and 104 pounds, I am not. And never will be.  So... I'll be a jolly fat person for as long as I live maybe.  Or maybe not.  

   I have to be careful because I have been having some creeping up the scale blood sugar issues.  I probably should be eating a low carb diet, but then what would I do with this ?? 

 Because it's peach season (at the grocery store. Mine are later).  I did use minimal sweetening in it, so it's tastes like a pastry full of fresh peaches.  But still...

  I had a pretty severe diverticulitis event last week and wound up at the Urgent Care for antibiotics. I was diagnosed with that little gem about a year and a half ago when I had a serious problem with pain and bleeding that put me in the ER. The big D is a goofy thing. All the things they used to think caused or exacerbated it, they have now debunked.  They simply admit they don't know. But it is extremely painful and after the initial event, I only had a couple of mild ones that cleared up by themselves in days. Until last week.  Blech. I was down for the count for about 5 days. It sucked.

  Then I had some kind of a hissy fit one morning in the shower... came out and cut off 8 inches of my hair. Didn't just cut it off, like I usually do, but butchered it beyond repair.  Tonight my personal groomer came over (lol) and did his best to shore it up and make it look presentable. Bless his heart. lol  I have hair about 1 inch long now. And it could just be that I'm in shock, but it looks completely white now. I have several very thin spots on my scalp as a result of chemo back in the 80's. So it really looks like hell.  When did I get so vain ??

  And then...  All of my life my teeth have been bad. I got no dental care as a kid. I had one trip to the dentist that I remember because I had a permanent tooth come in behind a baby tooth. It was the bane of my existence most of my life.  About 18 years ago, I had a ton of dental work done, including a bridge. Nothing could be done about that tooth... the bridge, that I wore for 15 years, caused all kinds of other problems in my mouth and as a result, some of my upper teeth are loose. I need dentures, but ... so anyway, that tooth came out the other day.  The tooth itself is small, but it left a gaping hole in my mouth. I am extremely self conscious about it.  That damned tooth, that drove me crazy all my life is gone, and now the feelings are worse.  How crazy is that ??  

  So this is my rant against aging I guess.   Isn't it funny ?  I have never been a vain person (I didn't think)  but now I am a short, fat, balding grey headed old lady with missing teeth that wants to hide under a rock.  I need to get to bed as it's almost 1 AM and I have things to do in the morning before leaving to take a friend to a dr appt.. I don't sleep well anyway, and I promised her daughter I would bring chicken and dumplings to her when I pick up her mom at 10 AM. My husband , bless his heart,  just says that he loves me no matter what.  I think it might be the peach pie talking...

When I was young...

    I can't tell you how excited I got when my son brought about 8 tons of driveway rock to my house last weekend. They raked and shoveled and worked their butts off for about 5 hours to get it all spread. ( I have a big driveway). 

  I got an extra parking space/ turnaround too.  AND a little path up to my sidewalk.  I was over the moon.

  I haven't always been like this. Getting all excited about things like gravel.  There was a time when only really outrageous things excited me.  Like the time I got to drive a boyfriends Porsche 135 mph in the desert in the middle of the night.  Or the time I flew to South America, and stayed there for 4 months, unbeknownst to any of my family.  (They knew I was gone.  I think.  They just didn't know where).  Or the time I picked up a guy in a bar because he told me he owned a sky-diving business and I wanted to do that. Always had wanted to. It was AMAZING, falling through the sky. Ahhh... when I was young. And fearless. And foolish.  Bulletproof.  Immortal.

  Now I get excited about gravel. And jams and jellies that actually set up LIKE THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO !!  Or getting 45 quarts of green beans out of my garden and canned.  Or the number of hummingbirds that grace my feeders every year. Visits from friends.  Word of cancers seemingly cured. Notes from old friends that I thought I had lost touch with.  Surprise gifts in the mail.  You know... those things.  As I start the slide into  the end of my 60's decade,  I think about that girl... that silly foolish daredevil girl who didn't think twice about taking risks or expecting the biggest best things in life.  I have traveled in my middle aged life and seen some pretty remarkable stuff.  Been all over this country and visited a few more.  Most of it was never as exciting as the first few times though, and I guess that's the way of it.  I miss the adrenaline rushes and even the chaos. Today I have to choose which things I might try to get done instead of jumping into life with both feet.  I'm tired.  And I'm starting to feel old.  I hate that most of all. 

  So... I am trying to learn to grow old gracefully and some days I fail miserably.  I stomp and raise my fists at the sky and yell... because of the limitations I have to deal with daily.  Other days I sit comfortably on the porch in a rocking chair with a new book and marvel that a) I survived my life, and b) that I am as comfortable as I am doing next to nothing.  

  It's an interesting  thing, isn't it ?   And now, having just celebrated our 28th anniversary, I am headed into the kitchen to cook another Monday night supper. I was musing the other day about how many meals I have cooked in 28 years, but it made me dizzy. lol  Tonight I have pounded and marinated chicken breasts in Italian dressing.  I will cook them on the little Foreman grill and accompany them with a quinoa salad and a steamed vegetable medley. I will take pictures of the food, with the idea that someday I might write a cookbook. And then I look at the calendar. But hey-- who knows ? I am proof that absolutely ANYTHING can happen, right ?


 

I am weary...

  I am tired.  Physically and emotionally and spiritually. The world and it's people are breaking my heart and I feel like I can't take it one more minute. I have cried several times today. First it was the video of George Floyd being murdered by the police in Minnesota. Hearing him beg  to get off him, that he "can't breathe" and the cop  just leaning in harder.    What kind of human being does that to another ?  Police meant to protect and serve, murdering people every year, rogue cops getting away with it over and over. This particular officer has a long history of  complaints  of police brutality. And nothing was ever done to him about any of them. I cry for Mr. Floyd's family, and for every mother and father who live in fear of their black children going outside or walking down the street. I cry for a world so ugly and so full of fear.  Then I learned of the death of my friends baby, less than 48 hours after birth. He had a heart defect and they were all ready to have him in surgery tomorrow morning, but he started having trouble breathing and then his little heart just couldn't keep him alive.  This young family is grieving the tragedy of their loss in the midst of this crazy pandemic and the whole world is upside down. I cried through the entire tale of the birth and the beautiful baby boy and his untimely death. And I don't claim to understand the laws of the Universe or the will of God... but I see no purpose in either of these deaths. and it breaks my heart.

  I generally tend to keep a cloak of optimism around me. I wouldn't have survived life on this planet for this long without it.  I want to believe that we can be better. That people can change. That love can prevail.  And then I see the headlines of  this administration destroying Native burial grounds to build a wall. Of a lying and conniving man in the highest post of this country who has used this presidency to line his pockets and those of anyone who may be useful to him. Who spreads hate and division on a scale never before seen in this country.  And I cry for democracy. And I cry for the poor.  And I cry for myself. 

  And so, Thursday has been my Day of Grief.  I feel like I am losing hope. I feel like I can't do enough to appease my activist heart.  I feel like no one is doing enough. I feel like I have never seen so many people blinded by their fear and their ignorance and their hate. And I don't know who I am or where I live or what is going to happen.  I try to keep my feet grounded in the day and not become so overwhelmed by it all that I am paralyzed. Or worse.  I don't want to become so angry that I don't recognize myself anymore. Even so, on days like today, I feel myself slipping away.  Where is that place people can go to insulate themselves as though it were none of their business or not their fault or giving up entirely the thought that they can do something to make a difference ?  I cannot in good conscience escape this. I cannot turn a blind eye to children at the border in camps, separated from their parents. To immigrants being turned away because of the color of their skin. To people dying because they cannot afford health care or food or shelter, here, in this richest country in the world. I cannot ignore it. It hurts my heart daily. And my heart is old. It is tired.

  I am reminded of a poem written by Wendell Berry,  which gives me the strength and grace to live another day...
                                    

The Peace of Wild Things by Wendell Berry

When despair for the world grows in me and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children’s lives might be, I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief.  I come into the presence  of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free. From The Selected Poems of Wendell Berry (Counterpoint, 1999),

   So...I will have my one day of  tears and heartbreak, and I will re-wrap myself in this cloak of hope and optimism, and chant and pray and dance for better days to come.  And try to remember...

It's a Monday that seems to match the world.

  The weather is strange. Grey, chilly and windy.  Doesn't seem like the second week of May. We had a frost warning 2 nights ago. Daytime temps are stuck in the low 50's.  I have had several phone calls of late from people freaking out about life in general. Lots of tears. Some anger. Lots of fear.  We are on the 52nd day of our statewide sheltering in place directive. The streets are mostly devoid of traffic. The stores are limited to  10 people at a time, and many of them are not following guidelines.  I try to only go out when it's absolutely necessary, and always wear a mask and gloves.  The death toll from this (at this writing) is over 80,000.  Some folks are handling this surreal scenario better than others. Some are delusional.  We are seeing insanity as never seen before in this country... armed protesters marching on state capitols.  People killing each other over nothing. A delusional leader of this country, spreading misinformation and outright lies about everything going on, who is encouraging hate and violence every single day.  It's no wonder there are so many people on the verge of breaking down.

  I am so lucky to live out here where I do. My biggest concerns are not running out of bird seed and suet blocks.  I have enough of every thing I need to keep my family safe and fed.  My needs are pretty simple these days.  The 2 people I love more than anything in the world are right here with me and they are both well.  Most all of the other people I also love are okay so far.  A little deranged maybe, but well and safe.  And I am becoming a little deranged myself...not sleeping  well, talking to myself and the dogs and cats, (ok-- that's nothing new, but still  lol ) feeling like I have lost my anchor in everyday life.  Not sure what I mean by that, but that's what came out.   Everything is surreal. Some days I wander around the house not knowing what to do next. There's plenty to be done, but I am not motivated to do it.  I have been making bread and baking desserts and even started a batch of sourdough. I am cooking ham and beans today (I found a hamhock in the freezer)  and will try a sourdough cornbread  for the first time. Wish me luck.

  I am watching an Australian drama series that is a wonderful commentary on life in the 1950's  Set in '53 (the year I was born, btw) titled  A Place to Call Home.  I am really liking it.  It airs on the Ovation channel on Monday mornings, 4 back to back episodes.  I dvr it and watch a show a day through the week. I'm really loving it.  I'd buy the set, but the affordable ones won't play on American dvd players apparently.  And the others are a little out of my league.  lol  We are watching more tv than we ever have I think.  It's okay... just weird.  I haven't done nearly as much reading as I would have thought. I am a serious reader... and have tons of books sitting around that I haven't cracked yet. Like I said... everything is strange...

  I have a good friend who has been doing all kinds of extraordinary projects at her house. I am impressed.  I keep thinking that any minute I'll kick into gear, but so far it hasn't happened.  Between the ookey weather and the general weirdness, I don't have particularly high hopes.  I have been bird watching a lot... we have had some beautiful not so common visitors... a pair of Rose Breasted Grosbeaks and a pair of Baltimore Orioles.  Along with a couple of Indigo Buntings, loads of Cardinals and all the rest of the crew... wrens, titmouses, sparrows of all sorts, mourning doves, blue jays, chickadees,  nuthatches, Juncos, 4 kinds of woodpeckers... it's delightful.  I'm glad to have the time to enjoy them all and be part of their world.  I'm glad I live out in the country where most times are quiet and nothing disturbs the beautiful wildlife around me. Where at night it is so dark you can see all the stars. Where my soul feels at home. 

  Be well and stay safe my lovelies. 

A blustery Friday afternoon...

  And these days, getting to go to the grocery store IS a celebration.  sigh...  I have been going out roughly every 2.5 weeks to pick up little things I've run out of...mostly fresh vegetables. And probably more because I'm a little stir crazy than because there are things I can't live without. Back in late March, I was excited to be able to just shelter in place and stay home. Now it's nearly mid-May and my mind has changed. lol  


   I have been canning things like beans (Navy and pintos), chicken breasts (whole and cubed), pork loin and roast beest.  I have been baking bread-- I have 2 loaves of sourdough in the making now.  What a process that is !  I hadn't made it in so long that I forgot.  Took 6 days for the starter to be ready to use, feeding it daily.  Then the day it's ready, you mix up about half of the flour and water. Let it sit an hour.  Then mix in the starter. Then let it raise for 4 hours and then into the fridge overnight. Get it out in the morning, add the rest of the flour, sugar and salt. Make into a smooth ball of dough by kneading it for about 15 minutes. Then back into the bowl. Raise for one hour and back in the fridge for 6 hours. Then out on the counter, make into loaves and let rise about 4 hours.  HOLY HELL !!!!  At 3 o'clock this afternoon, it will come out of the fridge to be made into loaves.  It will not be ready for supper.  Sourdough bread should cost a billion dollars a loaf.  Just sayin'...

  Himself needs a new phone I guess.  The one I bought him on Amazon does not work right, and between him and the phone it's a freaking nightmare. So when he gets off work this afternoon, I will meet up with him in town and we will visit the phone store. Fun times.  He gets so frustrated with it, and there ARE problems with the phone.  And him.  lol


  I just finished eating a plate of cold baked beans and leftover meatloaf for my first meal of the day. (It's 2:30 pm)  I am not hungry.  I am not sleeping well. I am not my stellar self.  lol   Mostly it's only me and the dogs that have to deal with me, so at least there's that.  Today I have had several phone calls from friends, led an online aa meeting in a town about 2.5 hours north of me (ain't technology grand ??).,  filled bird feeders again-- we're having a cold snap and they are eating like crazy.  We have a young raccoon that's been visiting  and last night he knocked a feeder to the ground, so I relocated that one and filled it too.Sometimes in the late evening when we're watching tv, he sits on the porch rail and looks in at us.  Drives the youngest dog to distraction. The older dogs-- not so much.  lol

  I got word yesterday that a dear old friend of mine died from Covid-19.  She was in a nursing home  and had dementia... and I hope she wasn't sick too long or too bad.  She was a delightful old woman when I met her some 25 years ago.  The last time we spoke was about 4 years ago I guess, when she first went into the facility. She was grateful to be there.  She was an ex-nun and a rabid anti-Catholic.  She had been a teacher for years and when she refused to teach the doctrine they "let her go"  She was put out without a penny to her name. When I met her, she was living in a little trailer on someone's property that they let her use.  Lots of us that knew her would drop by with gifts of groceries and gift cards and wood for her wood stove. She had a head full of snow white hair that she cut herself. With cuticle scissors, she told me.  lol  She wore it short and spiky. She was an amazing woman that I was blessed to know. This brings the number of covid related deaths in my life to 3. Enough.

  Well, I probably need to go put pants on to head into town. I am partially dressed, but wearing long johns right now.  lol   Himself told me he is working tomorrow too. 2 days of OT looks good in the bank, but I don't want him getting over tired. He was young when I got him, but now he's 60 and there was a guy at his job that was exposed and didn't tell anyone, just kept coming to work. Dumbass.  They closed the plant the next day and had a team come in to sanitize everything. So far no one else has gotten sick, but I am concerned. We have masks and gloves and I never go out without them.


  So... that's the story from here on Honeysuckle Hill. Stay well, my friends...and be safe.

High Holy Days

  NO Easter egg hunts.  NO family dinners. NO joyful gatherings.  This year is different from the years most of us have known. Businesses closed. Schools and churches closed.  Many people are working from home or unemployed.  Lots of fear and panic running through the country. All kinds of rumors and fear mongering and dis-information flying about. Not sure who to listen to or what to believe...

  It is finally starting to look like spring out there.  Yards are greening up,  wildflowers are popping up everywhere and even a few mushrooms showing up.  Then the nights got cold again, almost down to freezing.  Strange weather.  It was almost 90 one day last week and then 50 the next. Never sure how to dress, but it doesn't really matter since I (for one) am staying in my pajamas much of the day. Some days I think, Maybe I'll go out and do some yard work !  And then look down at my pj's and think.. well, maybe tomorrow.  lol So, I have ventured out to fill bird feeders and sweep my front porch and stuff a few times, but really no yard work has gotten done.  

  I'm doing what many people are doing:  cooking a lot, reading more, napping extensively, and watching way too much tv.  I have been watching a lovely British series called  LarkRise to Candleford that has entranced me.  And now it has started over, so it must have been a short lived series.  Set in 18th century Oxfordshire, a story of 2 small hamlets, one a farming  burg and one a bigger town.  Marvelous. Watching lots of less marvelous tv as well, some things we generally watch and some we don't.  

  My son was here for a late midday dinner. I roasted a chicken and made candied sweet potatoes, steamed broccoli, herbed stuffing, gravy, and some giant wheat germ and flaxseed rolls. We ate until we were beyond full and then he left and we vegged out.  I cleaned up all the kitchen and dishes, and then took about an hour nap. When I got back up , I asked him if he as hungry and he said not really and neither was I. So, we had some dessert (I made Creme Brulee earlier this morning to have for dessert, but no one had room.  I had enough chicken leftover to make another meal, as well as some of the other things too. I am being very frugal about using up all the things in the fridge in one way or another. I saw a recipe for a soup made with leftover stuffing, and they said it was a lot like a matzoh soup, so I might just try that.  It's raining really hard again right now. Tonight's temps are supposed to drop into the low 30's again.  We talked to my father-in-law up in Wisconsin and they are having a lot of snow again.  He is in a nursing rehab place now. It's disheartening talking to him sometimes.  He doesn't understand why his wife can't come see him and why he can't go home.  A common dilemma I suspect with older people who can't take care of themselves or their spouses.  We try to call him a couple of times a week at least.  Here is a picture of our table this afternoon...

 2 hungry boys over there.  lol  

 OK-- it's time to see how the tediously slow updating is going with the laptop. I've been using it a lot since I've been using Zoom and Jit.si for meetings and stuff.  Hopefully it will be done soon.  I've been trying to delete a bunch of the crap that came on this laptop and they sure make it hard to uninstall programs.  Grrr...  I don't have much memory on it and am trying to free up space.

  Wish me luck.

Greetings from the Hill...

  Here in Illinois, we are on about week 3 or 4 (I can't remember) of the official quarantine and sheltering in place. I was already limiting my forays into the world before that...  I have mostly stayed home and took my last dr and grocery and bank trip yesterday morning.   I won't be leaving the house for at least the next 2-3 weeks.  Himself is still working, so far. And not just working, but working 6 days a week,  16 + hours of OT every week the past 3 weeks. I worry that he will get run down, but I'm pumping him full of vitamin C and Elderberry and Zinc and cooking him nutritious meals. He was young when I got him, but he turned 60 in February... Pursuant to the meme above, we haven't spent too much time at home together yet, so there's hope that we will still celebrate 28 years in June.  lol

  There's still stupid shitshows going on in DC.  He just fired the watchdog of the relief act.  So he can get money where he wants it ? I'm sure. The rich are making a killing off this whole thing. I am not going to say anymore on this.  What I am going to say is that I can't believe how stupid people are being in regard to this whole pandemic.  I heard somebody yesterday say that they believe this is just a conspiracy to try to discredit the ..."best President this country has ever had."  This President does not need a conspiracy to be discredited. He's done that all by himself. People being stupid and congregating because they think none of this applies to them or whatever.  All I can say is this:

 We'll see what the process of natural selection has to say about it.


  Hereabouts is as it is almost everywhere, I suspect.  Lots of the things we want/need aren't available when we want/need them.  Panic buying is rampant.  I have to admit that I have bought a few things  more than I may need, but since I always keep a stocked pantry I'm not too worried. And having been poor most of my life, I can make magic meals out of very little ingredients. There was none of the bread we like on the shelves a few weeks ago, so I started baking bread again. Then there was no flour or yeast, but that has settled down. Personally I am good for ingredients, because that's how my pantry is stocked. Not with any already prepared foods (except the ones I have prepared and canned... like tortellini in marinara sauce and a couple of soups) . Things have slowed way down in my life, and I am loving it. No commitments, nowhere to be, nothing to do.  Well... plenty to do here, as always, but you know what I mean.   The few times I have been out, the whole world seems slower.  Reading about how in India and China pollution levels have dropped and they are seeing blue skies for the first time in years. Fewer cars on the roads.  Fewer people in the markets.  So.Much.Less.Noise.  The earth must be sighing in relief. 

  The economic side of this is scary, but like I have said before ... when you are poor these  things don't affect you so much. And we have survived some scary things before, and I am sure we can survive this. We own our home, so no worries about repo. We have plenty of disaster supplies and  camping tools in case the electric gets shut off because we can't pay it. (We have lived though earthquakes, tornadoes and hurricanes.  We've got this.  We have a cistern and plenty of spring water if the city water gets shut off. (We didn't have city water for 2/3 of the years we have lived here, so we know what to do).  So for now, I'll stay away from foolish people and practice safe distancing and common sense.  I'll speak up when I need to, and shut my pie hole when I don't.   (Maybe).  lol

  I've been baking bread and making desserts and growing fat and sassy. There was a time when fat meant affluent.  I am affluent in all the right places.  lol  Someday Rubenesque woman will be all the rage again, and I will be a frontrunner in the race.   Until then, I will be okay with myself, no matter what. No matter how grey, no matter what I weigh. I will never be tall enough- I've given up on that. 

  I am in the final (I hope) stages of recovering from a brutal surgery (February) that  consisted of my Achilles tendon being detached, split, bone spurs and fragments removed and stitched all back up again.  It was no weight bearing for over 3 weeks and then partial in a boot for another 3.  The incision healed nicely, but it's still tender and doc said it will be for a while. But the godawful pain of that spur shredding my tendon is gone, and for that I am grateful.  It did ease me into the social quarantine, I must say. 

  It's looking like spring here on Honeysuckle Hill. The peach and cherry trees are in bloom, the grass is greening up and the trees are leafing out. It was hot for a couple of days then a near tornado blew through and this morning it was in the low 30's.  Up to 55 today (hopefully) and very sunny and beautiful skies out there.  I plan on [maybe] doing a little yard work today.  We'll see. NO rush...we're gonna be here a while.

First Day of a new Decade

  Here we sit. Precipice of a new year. Not particularly excited about it, but not dismayed either.  Curious to see how it all plays out, considering the state of the world and of this country.  I do believe that even in the darkness, the light will prevail.  That love wins over hatred, although it may not look like it at times. That there is hope for humanity, no matter how bleak things appear from time to time.  I am generally an optimistic person, and hope that doesn't change...

  We had a lovely quiet Xmas and New Years.  Friends and family for a Xmas Eve supper, and then just himself and my son and I for our traditional Steak and lobster supper.  And as I was cleaning up my plate, I realized I didn't take one picture of that magnificent spread.  NY strip steak, lobster tail, skewered shrimp. Caesar salad and aglio y olio and fresh baked Italian bread. We ate until we were full as ticks and still managed to barely stay up long enough to welcome in the new year. We never go out for NY Eve.  

  No particular resolutions for this year, other than trying to practice better self care and live an authentic life.  Something I do strive for, and probably do better than I think.  My diet needs cleaning up, my weight is an issue, and these things are in the back of my mind.  In 5 days I will turn 67 years old, and I must say, it's been a ride. lol  When I look at it all from a historical perspective, it's amazing that I'm in as good shape as I am. So there's that.  And when I get real, I could be a lot better physically and I know it.  Mostly I intend to be a little gentler with myself and try to stay grateful and happy.  I have lived longer now than either of my parents (mom died at 55 and dad at 60) and sometimes that's a little freaky to think about. 

  All in all, living lightly on this planet, doing what little good I can for others,  and cultivating more love in the garden of my heart... these are things that are important to me.  Family.  Food.  Love. Laughter. Simple things, to be sure.  But in my little corner of the world, it is enough. I hope to have chickens again this year and plant a garden. That's been missing from  my life for over 2 years.  I need it back.  So I'll do whatever I have to.  I may have to do it on my own, but maybe not.  This winter I have been feeding wild birds and they eat like crazy, but provide me with so much joy.  Every day out there I am blessed with cardinals, sparrows,wrens, titmice, woodpeckers (3 kinds) juncos, chickadees, and probably a few others I can't recall.  The weather is bizarre-- 51 today. I'm going out to enjoy it while it lasts.  Happy New Year, everyone.