Wednesday, November 6, 2013

The Dance of Life

  The dance of life..transitions and changes and growing and living. It's exhausting.  I really believed that by this time in my life, I would be done with all this change. That I would be the woman God dreamed me to be.  That things would just settle down some.

  That doesn't seem to be how it works.

 I'm flummoxed by life some days. Today.  It has been a strange couple of weeks and an especially strange today.  I am being hit head on by some emotional issues and they are requiring me to take an especially long hard look at myself.

 I don't want to.

I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm physically in pain. I'm bitchy. I'm snarky. And I am in one of those KMA  moods. I hate feeling like this. Today I spent part of the morning with my old neighbors, finishing up the cleaning, etc (they've already moved) and the new owners are coming in this Saturday.  That was emotional enough. The weather was awful: rainy, cold and bitterly windy. Then I drove into the city (which I hate to do--St. Louis is a major pain in the butt to drive in) and to the giant megalopolis that is Barnes Jewish Hospital to see my ailing aunt.  The hospital is huge (like 4 or 5 campuses) and so easy to get lost in. Naturally, I had to drive all the way through the parking garage all the way to the roof because it was full. Level 5. I get inside, walk 4 blocks before I finally find an information desk, only to be told that I am in the wrong place. I am in the north end of Barnes NORTH and need to be at the south end of Barnes SOUTH.  I should have parked in the other parking garage. I can go back, move my car (I have already been ticketed in to this one, so I'll have to pay that and then pay another one too)-not to mention having to drive back out into that traffic. My other option is to walk the 3 city blocks  to the other end of the hospital. SO, walk I did. Then, elevator up to the 11th floor.  I came upon some of my family in the waiting room, where I dropped into a chair. 

 My aunt is so frail. They had to shave her head and do a craniotomy. She is in horrible pain, because when you have a trauma event like this in your brain, they can't give you any narcotic pain medicines.  It was awful...she is one of the sweetest women in the world, and it was really hard to see her suffering like this. I stayed for about an hour, spent some time with my cousins, and then headed home. Right at rush hour. And when I left the parking garage (which BTW, cost me 5 dollars to park in)  I apparently missed a  turn somewhere because I did not come out the same way I went in.  And because I almost never go to the city I don't know my way around. Nevertheless, I finally got home.  It's normally about an hours drive from my house to there, and coming home took me about half an hour longer. I just kept driving until I saw a highway marked EAST and stayed on it til I came out somewhere.

  So. It's now 1 AM and I am not the least bit sleepy. In fact, I am wound up like a top.  I am upset about something going on with my husband and me.  I am worried about my aunt.  I am wondering what the point of my life is. I am feeling underwhelmed about a lot of things that should be motivating me and overwhelmed by all the rest.  I am seriously hoping things look better to me tomorrow, because I am about ready to run for the hills. 

  With that...I bid you adieu.  Perhaps sleep is the rx...



Anonymous said...

Sleep helps, Annie. I've been there too and I'll be there again. Life's wonderful terrible exhausting dance goes.

A big hug.

Susan said...

I hope you were able to sleep and that today was easier. That is a whole lot of stress - and it's normal that we think of ourselves as helpless in sorting it all out and making it better. We're not helpless, it's just hard when you face it all at once. If you can, try looking at each problem, one at a time. Sending you strength and love.

Cloudia said...

Hospitals are designed to be mazes it seems. Hope it helps to share with us cause we do care!


Ashling said...

Annie...I suspect you are exactly the person God/dess dreamed you to be, someone who gives and gives of herself, with rarely a complaint, who nurtures and cherishes this planet and its gifts, who works and loves hard. Rest, be gentle with yourself and believe you are who you are meant to be.

Mariodacatsmom said...

Awww dear friend, sorry you are going thru all this. Life sucks sometimes doesn't it. Take the advice of Ashling as it is good advice. You need to be kind to yourself.

Akannie said...

Thanks everyone...your kind words help immensely.

As usual, things are better today. And the wheel of life keeps 'a turnin'...