Sunday, February 17, 2013

I've fallen off the love wagon...

Oh, dear.  Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...

 And so I try to accept that things change and it isn't easy to let go and that holding on is one of the things I do best.

  My intentions of a love fest here for the month of February have gone awry.  I have fallen off the wagon. I feel sometimes like I can't write anything at all and other times I feel like I could post 3 times a day. Maybe I will just untangle myself from any rules or expectations and do what feels good. Hmmmmm...

  So anyway, here I am. Not feeling particularly loving. Or maybe it is, just covered in a blanket of fear. Or ego--like any of this is about me. But it is about me in a very possibly losing someone I love.  Me having to watch others I love deal with their fears and grief.  Me, me, me.

I spoke with my brother finally and he told me that the tumor she has (had) is a GBM. He talked for a while and told me about having to tell her it was malignant and how it went.  He sounded uncharacteristically hopeful, for him.  When I got off the phone, I googled the GBM tumor. The results were not what I wanted to read.  And I sat here at the computer and cried like a baby.  Things like "invariably fatal".  Things like "life expectancy 1 year".  Things like "grade IV on a scale of I-IV."

  But, not being the type to believe much of anything the medical association says about health, I am refusing to condemn her to a life sentence. They did catch this early. That's a plus. And miracles DO happen.  And I will do everything I can from my end to make sure that she has everything she needs.

  It's just been a really trying week here.  But it's surely been worse for her. And her daughter and son. And Husband. I emailed my niece and asked how she was and if she needed anything.  She wrote back: A spice cake.   LOL  So, I'm going to bake her a spice cake with cream cheese frosting and take it to her tomorrow. This is the family I love. A spice cake.

  So...for now, I'm going to give myself a break about falling off the love wagon. I'm going to practice loving my family as much as I possibly can.  I'm going to bake a cake and I'm going to go to physical therapy and I am going to be the person my dog thinks I am.  And the world will keep on spinning and the sun will come up again and again, and God can work whatever miracles She sees fit. And I will trust that everything is going to happen exactly the way it is supposed to.

  Signing off...with much love in my heart for all of you.



Mama Pea said...

You have NOT fallen off the love wagon. You're baking love into a spice cake and that's just about the most important thing you can do right now. Hugs. And keep yourself strong.

Beth said...

Annie, I know that you are hurting so bad right now. I will help the only way that I can with prayer for your SIL and brother and all of your family.

You are a lovely person and your heart is filled with love for family and I know that is the best kind of love.


Cloudia said...

Much love, dear friend!!!!!!!!!!

ALOHA from Honolulu
Comfort Spiral
~ > < } } ( ° > <3

Mary LA said...

All love and hope, Annie. Take care my dear one, this is a hard time.

DJan said...

You cannot fall off the wagon, you ARE the wagon, Annie. You are pulling yourself and all the other people in your life through hard times, and you need to give yourself a pat on the back and enjoy that spice cake too. Love drips out of you; you can't help it! :-)

Annette said...

You my dear, have most certainly NOT fallen off the love wagon.
Much LOVE to you...maybe if we all send some of our love to you, you will have enough to keep your own love wagon moving along at a nice clip.

Carol said...

A spice cake for someone who wants just that! Sounds like love to me. You asked, listened and complied!

1st Man said...

You are loved and you are love. Remember that.

All our best. :-)