Oh, dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...
And so I try to accept that things change and it isn't easy to let go and that holding on is one of the things I do best.
My intentions of a love fest here for the month of February have gone awry. I have fallen off the wagon. I feel sometimes like I can't write anything at all and other times I feel like I could post 3 times a day. Maybe I will just untangle myself from any rules or expectations and do what feels good. Hmmmmm...
So anyway, here I am. Not feeling particularly loving. Or maybe it is, just covered in a blanket of fear. Or ego--like any of this is about me. But it is about me in a way...me very possibly losing someone I love. Me having to watch others I love deal with their fears and grief. Me, me, me.
I spoke with my brother finally and he told me that the tumor she has (had) is a GBM. He talked for a while and told me about having to tell her it was malignant and how it went. He sounded uncharacteristically hopeful, for him. When I got off the phone, I googled the GBM tumor. The results were not what I wanted to read. And I sat here at the computer and cried like a baby. Things like "invariably fatal". Things like "life expectancy 1 year". Things like "grade IV on a scale of I-IV."
But, not being the type to believe much of anything the medical association says about health, I am refusing to condemn her to a life sentence. They did catch this early. That's a plus. And miracles DO happen. And I will do everything I can from my end to make sure that she has everything she needs.
It's just been a really trying week here. But it's surely been worse for her. And her daughter and son. And Husband. I emailed my niece and asked how she was and if she needed anything. She wrote back: A spice cake. LOL So, I'm going to bake her a spice cake with cream cheese frosting and take it to her tomorrow. This is the family I love. A spice cake.
So...for now, I'm going to give myself a break about falling off the love wagon. I'm going to practice loving my family as much as I possibly can. I'm going to bake a cake and I'm going to go to physical therapy and I am going to be the person my dog thinks I am. And the world will keep on spinning and the sun will come up again and again, and God can work whatever miracles She sees fit. And I will trust that everything is going to happen exactly the way it is supposed to.
Signing off...with much love in my heart for all of you.