Pretty spectacular... I love sky stuff and star stuff and summer nights when the fireflies are twinkling across the soybean fields like Christmas in July. Sometimes I stop the car coming down my road and turn off the headlights (I live in a pretty isolated area, so it's not a traffic hazard, lol) and just sit in the dark and watch the magic. I love the quiet and the almost complete lack of lights out where I live. Makes the sky even more wondrous with no light pollution. From some places you can see a little bit of the town lights but from my house you can't see squat. Just the way I like it. lol
I did some of the yucky pricey cleaning today... pricey in what it costs me. Vacuuming, sweeping and carpet cleaning. Kills my back. And I cleaned the big handicapped shower . Yikes. It gets pretty rough in there and today was the day to also take down the shower curtain and wash and bleach them too. I did buy a cleaning tool at Dollar General that has a scrub pad on one end and telescopes. Still had to bend some...just enough to make my back hurt lol We had a light supper of turkey salad on top of a mixed salad with all kinds of good stuff in it. I was too tired to do much more than that. I also hauled all the garbage out to the rolling can that will go to the curb tomorrow night.
I have had a long running sinus headache going on for a couple of days. A bit ago I took some allergy medicine, because I have had watery itchy eyes and a very dry throat as well. So I put some eye drops in (supposed to be using them regularly and I don't). And of course, when you have those kinds of headaches, you drop everything you touch, because it really hurts when you bend over or put your head down. lol I might take take it pretty easy tomorrow... trying to get some rest as I've been on the run for over a week. Most all of it was good stuff, fun stuff...with a funeral and bank bs thrown in for good measure. lol But all in all it was exhausting and I am ready for a complete day of rest. Turns out it wasn't today.
Well, I'll keep this short and sweet. I have some other stuff to say but I am falling asleep at the keyboard. (Sexagenarians do that.)
Nighty night fartlings...
I'm having some of those rare burned out days. And naturally, I'm not the only one. At least 2 women in my life are having meltdowns, so my phone is ringing constantly. People are behaving badly. Hearts are being broken. I'm exhausted, even when I sleep all night. My friend Dianne died yesterday after a bout with cancer. My new friend Kate is heading back to Massachusetts, so I got to say goodbye to her yesterday. Oh, how I wish she lived here ! I have 2 more major things to do this week and then I'm sort of done for a little while. Sort of. Except that my debit card was hacked and then re-hacked and now my checking account is about a grand lighter than it was and this kind of turmoil is not ideal for people who mostly live paycheck to paycheck. I've been at the bank three times this week. Some of the funds will be recovered. Eventually. And an investigation will ensue. But in the meantime, the car registration (which is 101.00 in Illinois) a speeding ticket (himself) , the 250.00 electric bill and the property taxes are all due. So... there's that. And there are some solutions available and I'm grateful for that, but all in all, I want to run and hide. lol But there's an Italian Cream Cake in the oven for a birthday tonight, hummingbird juice on the stove, a dirty house and numerous other paltry things waiting for me, which would still be there when I got back... (unless the cake in the oven burned the house down.. lol)
Life happens. It's particularly sticky in the electronic age. But I am re-thinking a lot of things, so there's that. I'm in the mode of eating everything out of the pantry to save a little money there. Clearing out the fridge. Making do. "Everything will all be okay in the end... if it is not okay, it is not the end." One of my favorite quotes from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. I may have to shuffle some things around and pay some late penalties, but everything will get paid. We will not go hungry. And unless the guys clearcutting the property next door drop a tree on my house, then we will have a roof over our heads. So... how bad can it be ? (Except in my head, of course). It can be pretty bad there. lol
The weather has cooled off some, thank God. Still July-ish temps, but not hell like it was for a bit there. The classic midwest humidity is still there. But feels like a bit of a respite when the temps are only 89. The AC just now kicked on (almost noon) because the oven is going, but the cake is almost done. Used the last of my butter to make the cake so gonna have to run to the store and buy some for the frosting. I had everything else to make it. It's a bit of a labor intensive expensive cake that I make from time to time. It's beautiful baked as a layer cake, but I'm almost always transporting it, so I stick with the 9x13 pan. Lots of coconut and pecans, 5 eggs, 2 sticks of butter... yum. Cream cheese frosting.
I need to find myself some food. Haven't eaten yet and I'm starting to feel it. Been trying to do this 14-16 hours fasting thing to see if it won't kickstart some weight loss. I have lost 20 pounds in 6 months and that doesn't seem like much, but it feels like it. Clothes fit better, bones feel better. lol I'm not giving up yet. I have added some carbs back into my diet though because it didn't feel healthy. Only changed it up from 20 or less to 50. Just a bit. We'll see what happens. Trying to watch the calories too and eat sensibly.
Happy Thursday peeps. The cathartic act of writing this stuff down has provided me with some relief, as it will. I'm going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking it a day at a time and I'm sure that everything will work itself out in the end, as it usually does.
I'm going to go do some mindful sweeping outside and inside, because action always helps too.
Namaste.
...and all you can do is dance. Or cry. Or run screaming away from everything.
And none of those are particularly viable options, but you still think about it and lament your circumstances/life/how nothing has turned out the way you thought it would. Which brings you right back to the present (if you are lucky) and looking down at where my feet are and realizing that actually, right here, right now, I am okay. Everything is okay. Not horrific and not awesome, but okay. And some days, that's as good as it gets.
As a child I dreamed about how perfect my life would be if my real parents ever found me, because obviously, I had been switched at birth and given to the wrong people. This only became more and more apparent the older I got. Then as a teenager, I thought that things would be really great if I could just get out on my own. Make my own decisions, my own plans. As a 30 something year old, I was in a position to see where I had taken myself, with all my grand ideas...it was nowhere near what I thought it would be. Again. Now, as a sexagenarian (look it up-- it's not what you're probably thinking...although....lol) I walk through the hallways of my mind, wondering what the hell happened ? The other night I was sitting here thinking about when I ran away from Illinois to live in California. A life changing time of unimaginable proportions. I was 23. I had a 5 year old boy. I was insane, and drunk a lot. I met this really nice guy (and how did I
know that ?) in a bar one night while playing pool. He was going back to southern California where he had lived while in the Marine Corps. Hated Illinois. I hated Illinois too. He couldn't wait to leave and did I want to go ? The more I drank the better it sounded. Anyway...I digress. I was sitting here the other night trying to remember his name. I kind of think it was Joe. I can almost see his face... olive skinned, dark curly hair, blazing black eyes. But maybe that is someone else.
God knows there have been a lot of faces in this bizarre parade that I call my life. But that was a pretty momentous occasion. You'd think I would remember it. Alas...I cannot pull that particular tidbit out of my sexagenarian hat. (You know I'm going to be using that word all the time now, right ? For at least the next 5 years. bahahahaha). So many things are lost in my booze and drug crippled brain that I will never be able to retrieve. On a bright note though, the time of my death (when your life flashes before your eyes) should be delayed a while, going through all this crap piled up in my inaccessible memory banks. So, there's that.
Last night we had a nasty little dog fight here. One sister dog stepped on a smaller sister dog (accidentally) waking her out of a deep sleep and setting off a fight of epic proportions. They have never done this. I couldn't get the big dog off her. There was a decent bite and lots of blood and much fear and screaming (on my part). I was up at midnight doing my best CSI job of cleaning up the blood all over the carpets and floors. And trying to clean up the leg to see how bad it really was. (Not so much, certainly not like it looked, considering all that blood). Trying to calm down little dog and not punish the other one TOO much. Molly and Bella have always gotten along well, and I really think that this was a case of her being startled by being stepped on and then self defense. And we all know how that goes.
Add that to some other events from the weekend and I was over the edge. But, once again-- where are my feet. I don't have to run away or hide or fight or do any of a million other things I have been known to do in the past. I just have to accept that... into each life, some rain must fall. This life will never be perfect. I will never be perfect. I can only do the best I can and hope like hell it's good enough. And it usually is. (I guess....since I'm still alive and kicking).
Life goes on. Things work out (or they don't). I heard someone say once "If I start hitting too many roadblocks, I just change where I'm going." Maybe it's time I change where I'm going. Or maybe I need to sit still. because, as we know...it's important to
Love, The Sexagenarian.
About 45 years ago. On July 2, 1971 I gave birth to this little doll. Today he is 47 years old. He's a gorgeous, strong, brilliant and creative guy. He grew up (despite his mother, I might add) into a man that I am proud of, with a compassionate heart and a strong sense of himself. He is kind and he is resilient. He works hard and plays hard and spends lots of quiet time in between. He dotes on his mother (to a degree) and has the heart of a hippie but the mind of a realist. I could never ask for a better son...
Here he is 2 years later. Believe it or not, he was born with coal black hair. By 4 he is almost blond. lol
And here is one of the last pictures of him and his wife, before they divorced.
He's all grey now and looks older than me. lol (Not really) He'd have a hissy if he knew I was putting this out there on the world wide web, but since he has no truck with things like the internet or Facebook, he'll never know. lol So, happy birthday to my son, the old man. lol
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It's been bumpy around these parts. Can't believe the whole month of June flew through so fast. I have no chickens, no garden, no usable yard. Everything here is a complete mess. The weather has been atrocious, with daily heat indexes in the 105-110's. Or horrific thunderstorms. Partially as a result of those conditions, the weeds in my yard are shoulder high in places. Himself is off on vacation, scheduled to return today. Through a series of miscommunications and other plans made that were too difficult to change, I stayed home and he went to see his family up north. It's been a dangerously hot few days and I have mostly stayed inside.
I celebrated 28 years of sobriety on Saturday with a group of my pals. The actual date was the 12th, but the celebration happened at the end of the month. 2 other women celebrated too and we had a grand time. The weekend before that 2 of my friends had a bash and we went to that as well. June is a good month for getting your life back. lol
I feel disconnected from things, with no garden and chickens. On the one hand, grateful to not have to try to save it from the heat (or work out there in it) ...on the other hand, I miss my hands in the dirt and the bounty of nature. I figure this experience will do one of 2 things-- convince me that all that work can be let go of and never do it again, OR really motivate me for next year. Kind of a toss up.
I have lots of householding to do today, so I'd best get my big butt in gear. Took it pretty easy the past couple of days, and things have built up, as they will with a houseful of dogs and cats. I really meant to start laundry last night after it had cooled down a little (to 80) but decided to go to sleep instead. So, there's that too. lol
Have a wonderful week everyone. I'm gonna bake a little something for that boy and figure out supper for tonight, and hopefully not have to go to the store for anything. We'll see...
