Friday, July 26, 2013

Life, Love...and all that Jazz

  It's been a very powerful few days this past week.  Lots of people from my past showing up, in person, by mail, or phone calls.  There have been lots of moments where I am seeing things I haven't ever seen before (I grew up around these parts)  or revisiting old places.  Lots of AHA! moments.  Some very sad moments. Things that just leave me shaking my head in astonishment.  Just an all around interesting week.

 Someone said "Enlightenment isn't always a pleasant process."   It surely isn't all Rainbows and Unicorns. lol

  Early recovery was a lot like this for me. Like someone twirled me around and took the blinders off.  Trudging along, waking up to some harsh realities about myself and my behavior.  I had to say to a family member yesterday, Look--I don't know. I don't remember a LOT about that time. I was drunk. Or high. And my brain cells have not retained a lot of information from those days. This person looked at me incredulously. "How can you not remember this ???"   Well, the truth is, I don't know. Maybe it's my brain protecting me from myself. Maybe those particular brain cells were obliterated.  Maybe God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself.  I just don't know.  I haven't had a drink for a long time. And some memories have begun to show themselves...usually the ones you don't want to remember because they were so very painful. (Which is probably why they are buried so deep).  And this has been happening for the whole 23 years I've been sober. Little by little, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.  

  This is probably the reason I feel so detached from my I don't fit. Like I never did.  Because they have a whole life of memories that I don't have.  Lots of their memories don't include me because I wasn't here.  And when I was...I wasn't.   And they don't get this. They don't get me. And I don't have any way to make them understand.  Because I don't always understand.  sigh... But it always makes me feel like I'm on the outside looking in.

  Oh well.  Everything in it's time, I guess. Do you sometimes feel like you've lived several lifetimes already?  lol  That's kinda how I feel, and I can't always keep them straight.


 And then there's the whole country that has gone completely insane.  These power tripping governors like Scott Walker and Rick Perry,  State governments passing insane laws  trying to control women.  People shooting each other.  The Republicans defunding the EPA,  doing absolutely nothing productive at their jobs, instead fighting every single thing that is not their idea.  Taking us back to the dark ages, to hell in a handbasket.  Wasting money on a daily basis.

  It's all ridiculous. I want to move to a mountaintop in the Himalayas so I don't have to watch any more of it. I don't want to care about it anymore, it's too much.


 I've had a sinus headache all day. The barometer is all whacked out, and this is how my body responds. It never got above 75 degrees here today. SEVENTY FIVE DEGREES !!!!!!  Hello!  It's late July. It should be a hundred degrees in the shade.  It's been hovering between 75 and 80 the last few days.  Weird weird weird.

 The gardens are at a bit of a standstill right now. I haven't canned or harvested anything but lettuce in a week. There are tomatoes on the vines, some the size of baseballs. But they're green as a frog.  Weird. I'm a little worried because a week from Sunday is when I start the Earth Literacy Retreat.  That will be the 4th through the 11th. That's 7 days of not being here to do much in the gardens. Usually this would be okay, but this year it may be a little dicey. Oh well. I'll figure it out.

  Went to the Podiatrist this morning for a recheck. He said that since the heel is  improving, we'll just keep doing what we're doing.  If it gets worse, the next step will be having to wear a boot. If that doesn't work, we'll be down to surgery. He doesn't want to do that (and neither do I !!)  unless it's the only option we have. He says the heel is such a fragile area to operate on, we won't do it unless we have to.  I like him. He asked me about my gardens today...2 points for the doc !


  My little cat went out and got caught in the rainstorm. Now she's back in and curled up on the desk here in front of me.  (My keyboard is on one of those slide out shelves). She acted like I got her wet on purpose.  lol

  The diet is going well.  It was a little easier this week. I am down 7 pounds.  Tomorrow I am going to attempt to make a batch of turkey jerky for a snack item. I can't find it around here anywhere without nitrates. So---I make it myself. I have dehydrators sitting around here doing  Some days I can have nuts or fruits for snacks, but on Tuesday and Wednesday, I cannot.  I can't believe it's been almost 2 weeks for me with no wheat, corn, sugar, soy or dairy!  It hasn't been easy...and I'm being very vigilant about it.  Yay me.  I feel better, and I noticed today that my skin and nails are looking a LOT healthier.  Makes it easier to stick with it when  you see these results. But this whole process is about repairing your metabolism, not necessarily  losing eight. Although she says you will loose up to 20 pounds in 28 days if you follow it religiously.  I haven't been able to wear both my wedding rings for some time now...the diamond and sapphire one has been sitting on a shelf and I've only been wearing the gold band.. Today it slipped right on my finger.  Between losing a tiny bit of weight and getting the gunk out of my diet, my joints seem to be much less swollen.  And dropping this weight can only help my poor knees. Win/Win.

 Alright--I need to get in bed.  This has been a jabberwocky of a post, I know...but sometime that's how life and love are.  A jumbled mess of  goo, with alternating moments of joy.  I'm ready for sleep now, so...goodnight!



Anonymous said...

So good catching up with you Annie -- and I'm pleased the new eating program is going well.

DJan said...

Congratulations on the weight loss, and I'm so glad to hear that the foot is definitely better. I'm also glad you have a caring doctor. I am always glad to hear from you, whether it's a post with lots of directions in it, or whatever. And I'm also glad to hear it's not hot there right now! :-)

Hope said...

Waving and saying 'hi' Annie. I understand about the not fitting part.

Mariodacatsmom said...

Glad to hear your weight loss program is going so well. By the way - it was a high of 61 here today! (agree with you on the political status in WI too.) My memory is bad - I remember nothing much before 3rd grade. My mother divorced my father when I was a baby and we moved around back in the day it wasn't normal to move around or be divorced. Maybe that's why I don't remember much. Hang in their friend! I'm happy you vented - you need to do that now and then.

Susan said...

Luckily, what really counts is what is happening now - so you are in the pink, my dear. It takes a lot of courage to face a not-quite-perfect past. I know. You have a very healthy view of the now and that is all that matters. I greatly enjoy your posts.

Akannie said...

MAry--I know, me too. Hope I can hang in far, so good...
Much love to you !

Akannie said...

DJan--the weather has been so crazy...but it sure is nice having no 100 degree days !!

Thanks--I love reading you too...

Akannie said...

Oh Hope !!!
Waving back--funny how many of us feel like we're on the outside looking in, isn't it ?

SO good to see you--hope you're feeling better!!

Akannie said...

MDCM--Sounds like you had an exciting childhood, lol. I remember going to kindergarten and coming home crying. I told the teacher I could read (I could!!) and she said it wasn't nice to tell lies. I argued with her and she got kinda mean. lol I went home crying because she was mean to me. LOL

It's really less a weight loss program than a metabolism repair program. (Doesn't that sound better??) lol

Akannie said...

Thanks Susan for coming by...and I enjoy yours too. It's a good life, innit ?

I have had a lot of wreckage to attend to from the past...the good news is it makes you live a little better so you never have to go through this again. LOL