Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Stalling....

 I am up and back at it...struggled with the dreaded "bug" going around and was in bed for 3 days. Missed 2 days of work AND screwed up my one day off. lol  Went back on a short shift yesterday...good thing it was. Wore me out. 


 Climbed out of the hole only to find a house covered in dust, carpets in dire need of vacuuming (at the very least) and a bushel and a half of apples screaming out to be sauced. Got part of them done, and should be in the kitchen finishing them now. But ... here I sit, at the computer.
  

  Stalling.


  OH well. There's always tomorrow, right?  I woke up from dreams of being at a casino with my ex-husband and a group of misfits. Gambling and drinking. Hmmm...woke up thinking maybe I'd get dressed and go to the local boat casino.  I have a few extra dollars in my pocket...lol.  More I think about it,. the dream may have been a subtle message that I am gambling with my sobriety. Haven't been to a meeting in a while and don't want to go. I have been insecure, judgmental and just plain feeling sorry for myself.  As usual,. the last thing I want to do is be around fellow alkies, and it's probably exactly what I need.  


  Top this off with the fact that my BIL was carried out of a football stadium on Sunday, having his second grand mal seizure from drinking like a fish.  And some of his family is in extreme denial, as he is himself.   And it's really scary, because I love him, and I am afraid he is going to kill himself or someone else. And there's nothing I can do about it. 

  Powerless. Once again. Still. 

  The thing in my life that never changes...all I can do is give him to God and trust that there is a plan for him and that the plan has his best interests at heart.  And I want to fix it. And I want to make him understand that there is this life in sobriety that exceeds a persons wildest dreams. Got a call from a young man last night that can't stay sober, but he keeps coming back and keeps trying...maybe there is hope for these damaged children of God. The BIL refuses to seek treatment or help of any kind, swears that he's got it handled.  I know it is killing my husband...and there's not much he can do either.

 My niece in FL got married weekend before last. In the pictures I have seen, she is holding up a Jack Daniels bottle in her wedding gown. My SIL said they were all shitfaced ..they drink and drink and drink.  I have another niece here that does the same thing. All around the same age, mid twenties. All thinking it's a big joke, so much fun, and I just think "Wait until you cross the line." Wait until you lose the power of choice whether to drink or not. Wait until you are on that dark lonely road that leads to misery and despair, and pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. Wait until you are sitting in a jail cell, wondering how the hell this happened.

  And so...I sit and think about gambling with my sobriety, about apples waiting to be sauced.About how none of us are immune to the dangers of relapse and none of us are ever rid of this demon of alcoholism.  A daily reprieve ...contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.  Angry, resentful, judgmental...doesn't sound like my spiritual condition is exactly being maintained now, does it ??? 


  Sigh.  Okay...I know what to do. Like Rumi said so well...

  "Prayer is an egg.
Hatch out the total helplessness inside. "





Namaste.

6 comments:

fullfreezer said...

Hugs to you, my friend. Wishing you strength, health and contentment in your life.
I'm sorry you've been feeling poorly, I'm sure that doesn't help all your other troubles. Our minds and bodies are so intertwined that when one is troubled, it carries over to the other.
Have some tea, read a good book, peel some apples- or not- I personally love sauce with peels in it.
Hang in there.
If you need support, drop me a line.
Judy

Prayer Girl said...

This must be a season of troubles. I know so many people who are sick or in crisis of one sort or another including myself.

Waiting for all of this to pass. Sometimes it is hard going.

I always think of you fondly.

PG

Cloudia said...

I'm accepting the cyclical helplessness and all the rest of it and it is what it is. Amen


Aloha from Hawaii

Comfort Spiral

><}}(°>

Cloudia said...

Glad you are resurrecting

Andrew said...

Metta thoughts for you my friend.

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