It's a wonderfully clear night tonight. They say that a cold front is moving in within the next 24 hours or so, an things will cool down markedly around these parts. It's bringing thunderstorms with it, so I guess that is the trade-off. I was sitting outside in the back, listening to the night sounds that envelope my little homestead. The baritones of the bullfrogs and the contented cluck-whispers coming from the henhouse. The breeze ruffling the canopy of leaves on the oak and maple trees. A coyote howling in the distance. Comforting sounds to my ears, as much a part of me as my own voice.
I am in an interesting place lately...a jumping off point, perhaps...or just another time for change and growth that seems to visit my life on a regular basis. It feels like a strange mix of apathy and melancholy. Some days I am burdened by it, yet other days I anticipate the change, whatever it might be. We are talking about moving to Wisconsin again. My father-in-law is not getting any younger, and my husband has not lived back "home" since he was 18 years old and ran off to join the Marines. I know he is feeling the pull and it is getting stronger all the time. I can understand this. I am not against moving there. I am concerned about the cold and the effect it will have on my old battered body. lol I can/will/have bloom wherever I am planted. I don't know that it will actually happen, but it does add more to the mix of whatever is going on with me right now.
I don't know how to describe [even to myself] exactly what this is, a minor maelstrom going on within, perhaps. Is it just my age? Is it my restless heart ? Never having been a person, particularly, who stayed in one place long, it could be just time to get moving. I am discontent. I am moody. I don't see much purpose in the things of my life, outside my gardening and preserving. I don't care much about the things that used to enliven me. I don't think I am depressed, although as I read what I am writing, it sounds like that.
Perhaps we (if one pays attention) go through cycles where we have to listen up and bend the paradigms of our lives from time to time. Looking at the boundaries we set up, at the definitions we use to denote our faith, our purpose, our meaning. The ideals I have in my life can be troublesome in the society I live in, and all that really means is that I have to evaluate whether I am willing to live with the consequences on a regular basis. I can figure out what my options are and hopefully make a decision based on my truth. The older I get, the narrower the road I walk gets. Part of it is my lack of tolerance, part of it is my inherent nature and part of it is my need to live in community. And somewhere in the middle of this all is my heartsong. For years I was on autopilot, flying too close to the ground and often too fast to be able to see any of the beauty around me. Now, I cannot bear to miss one minute of that beauty. I know that as I near sixty years on the planet, I am yearning for all the things I have yet to taste, songs yet to be sung, poetry to be read. I'm running out of time, and I have wasted a lot of years.
Am I having a midlife crisis ?
The good news is, if this is a midlife crisis, I've still got plenty of time..
I am going to bed on this note :
Every child has known God.
Not the God of names
Not the God of don'ts,
Not the God who ever does anything weird.
But the God who only knows four words
And keeps repeating them, saying:
"Come Dance With Me."