Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Humpity, hump, hump, hump true this feels today. Joys, sorrows, fears and hope.  Feeling the disbelief and pain of the people in Texas, where there has been another shooting at Fort Hood.  Feeling the joy of a friend blessed with 3 grandsons in 2 days. Knowing the sorrow being experienced by a friend who has lost his mother.  Feeling the hope of someone newly sober as she watched someone else celebrate one solid year of sobriety this morning, and knowing that what crossed her mind was, maybe this can work for me too, and knowing that she shares much more in common with that woman than with me, bumbling  along here with my almost 24 years of sobriety. Identification. Identifying with fear, with joy, with pain and with hope.  So many common threads.  So many common bonds, if we can just look for them.

  Sometimes I feel lonely and afraid and walk around with a knot in my stomach. Just like lots of people do.  This can be an unsettling and uncertain world we live in, and it's easy enough to spin off into space when you get scared.  I heard a young drug addict once say that she..."just tries to stay where my  feet are."  That was one of the most profound things I'd ever heard. Keeping my feet on the ground, I'm unlikely to fly off.  Staying "grounded"  I'm less likely to short circuit. When I get anxious or afraid, I try to make it  a point to look down at my feet. Focus my thoughts and my breathing.  Be where I am. Not off in some imagined holocaust or desperate calamity. Just. Right. Here.

  I can become craziest about money and welfare. Things like, can I pay the bills? Can I buy enough to feed us ?  Will we have the money for taxes so they can't take our house ?   My mouth will say things like "money isn't real. It's just some shit we trade for other shit."  It will say things like             " Believe and Receive."  Or, "I have everything I NEED."    And still...some nights I have waves of these fears attacking me, beating me down, making me cry.  The fear that I will never have everything I need, that life shouldn't still be so hard.  That I'm tired...just SO bone tired of all the juggling that it takes for 2 people to live into old age when they haven't "properly" planned for it. (Whatever that means.)

  All that.

  It has not been  a bad day around here. The weather was godawful, with monsoon-like rains and tornadic winds. But temps in the mid 60's.  Tomorrow is bringing more rain, supposedly, and even warmer temperatures. And more wind. Unless it doesn't.  AND IT'S TURNING GREEN OUT THERE !!!!

  I made a grocery run today, because Aldi's has their fresh meat sale on Wednesday. Boneless skinless chicken breasts for 1.69/lb.  They also had pineapples for .99 each and mangoes for .49 each Of course, I bought about 25 lbs of chicken and 12 pineapples and 15 mangoes.The fruit will be peeled and cubed and frozen for smoothies. The chicken was bagged in quart sized freezer bags for meal sized servings and put into the deep freeze.  

  I do love a good sale. Even if it means spending about 55 dollars.  Money well spent I can live with.

  Yesterday a friend came by (I have had no where I HAVE to be for 3 glorious days!!!  Well, tomorrow will be the 3rd day). She came by and gifted me her 2 year old Dyson vacuum cleaner. She just got a new one (the Dyson Ball), and said this one works like a charm and she thought I could use it more than anyone she knew, because I have a houseful of animals like she does. That thing is a beast!!!  It was an incredible act of kindness, as I'm sure she could have sold it for at least a hundred dollars. Of course I used it as soon as she was gone.  lol The extension wand is in the handle, which is a genius technology.  And it pulled a lot of dirt and dog hair out of my carpet.

  Tomorrow another friend is coming by for a visit.   I'm feeling blessed.

  Friday I have a massage, then the chiropractor. Then I'll come home and make a big pot of soup to take to the womens retreat on Saturday morning. In the early evening, I will have the honor of giving another friend her 32 year coin on the anniversary of her sobriety.  I will have all day Saturday from 8 AM til 9 PM to celebrate with a group of women~~ life and love and womanhood.  I just remembered--I have to make a dessert to take along to that as well.  I can't wait.

  Well, it's limping towards midnight. The power was off today in the storms , but that was very early this morning and we didn't lose it again, even though the weather got worse later.  Hopefully tomorrow will be less extreme than they seem to think. They said the rains would resume tonight, but so far, it's quiet.

  As usual, on my way to bed I will cover the birdcage, close the drapes, turn off the lights and let the cats in. Then I will try to get some sleep, although this hand is hurting pretty bad and last night was not a good one for sleeping.  Hoping tonight will be better...



Anonymous said...

How can anyone really plan for old age when we don't know how much time we ever have? My in laws worked so hard to someday enjoy retirement and died about five minutes into it. It's a reminder to us to live in the now. Of course, we'll probably live to be 90. Or we could die tomorrow, you never know.
Looking down at your feet during anxiety is about the most brilliant thing I've ever heard.

Celia said...

Plans, I thought I planned, now that I'm retired and well out of the work market, some in my family are in sad shape. I suspect you did your best and we have no control over what happens. One day at time, hugs to you.

Akannie said...

heart...I know, right ??? I'm putting my trust in the Universal Law of Abundance !! lol

Akannie said...

Celia, it's true. One of my friends did all the right stuff and then lost almost everything over a health crisis. You just don't ever know...Thanks for the hugs. and def. ODAAT !!!

mel said...

Annie, just getting to sit and read this morning....loved this! You have a way of calming me with your words. Not an easy task! Thank you