I need to remember this. Feels like I need to re-member a lot of things lately. Feeling restless, irritable and discontent today. Feeling like this for a couple of days, actually. Probably all precipitated by the Irishman and I not having Thanksgiving together for the first time in 20 + years. Which is a little silly, but still...it's how I'm feeling, and I have to honor that (or be trampled by it). I'm reminding myself that I AM performing a kind deed by making sure he can take this trip, no matter how financially and emotionally difficult it is. And I am a kind person. And my life is what it is because of that...because I have been through a lot and all of served me in one way or another to make me who I am. And because when I look at it like this, it takes away some of the pain and hopelessness I feel sometimes.
Been in that little dip lately...where I find myself tearing up a lot. Holidays do this to me...and recent events with family (living) and lack of family (dead) ...that have me questioning my self and my value and my purpose. Or something. And there's nothing I hate more than being all weepy...it feels counter productive...but I don't really know what to do about it. My first instinct is to run. Move to another state. Go back to North Carolina or Northern California. Anywhere but here. But I can't really do that either.
So...I'm baking. Making loaves of pumpkin bread (naturally) to send along to Wisconsin. Baking I know. Baking I can control. I'm also going to make some granola bars so he'll have some to take with him and maybe not eat so much junk like they tend to eat up there. And I'll make him some trail mix as well...full of good stuff like peanuts and raisins and pumpkin seeds and dried fruit....apples, cherries and peaches. And I will do these things and I will do them with love, even though I'm not feeling so loving (or loveable) right now. And this ickiness will pass (I hope) and I'll get back to my normal Pollyanna self.
I'm feeling old too. That doesn't help. My body is crashing down around me and some days I can barely walk. It hurts bad because I can't get enough exercise and I can't get enough exercise because it hurts too much. I need to get to a doctor, but money is so tight..and I know what they're going to say and it requires a LOT of $$...that I don't have. And that is so frustrating and depressing that I can't stand it. I need new glasses. I need to see a dentist. It's been a long time since we have had such a hard time as this past few years... And I know it's not just us...and I hate that I feel like I'm being so whiny about it. I guess sometimes I just need to vent. Hoping that I can get it out of my system and move on. Or something.
Hours later now, and I'd like to tell you I feel better. Well...I don't. And now I think I've made my favorite SIL mad at me too. And I am miserable. And this thing with my SIL (and partly what's going on with me) revolves around the sister who came up here from Florida. She was here for an entire week. She contacted no one except one brother (the night before) to ask if they were coming to the lunch she summoned everyone to. I didn't go. She never made any attempt to contact me the entire time she was here. I am angry and hurt and snotty about it all. Face it--I am snotty about a lot of things lately.
And snotty is one thing, but this borderline depression is something else entirely. Not my thing, know what I mean? And it scares me and it makes me angry that I am so affected by someone else's behavior. Not like me. And I feel as out of control as a downhill train. And then I think, maybe it's not depression--maybe I'm just really sad. Maybe I am hurt and sad and I just can't seem to define my emotions.
Hells bells. Maybe I'm just a ridiculous old woman. I'll be 60 on January 6th. My dad died when he was 60. That's probably part of this too. Something unnamed...something in me that's too big and heavy and dark...and now it's bursting out at my seams. I feel like I need a retreat...a sanctuary...I feel like something is shifting within me and I don't know whether I should be glad or afraid. I know one thing--I don't feel like myself. Emotional upheaval. Identity crisis. What do I do ? Where do I go from here? Is my life in the process of being redefined? Am I having a spiritual awakening of some sort? Is an old part of me dying, and in dying giving birth to some new aspect that I don't yet understand?
On this note, I'm going to bed. I'm really tired (got a lot done today) and I watched the second part of the Ken Burns documentary on The Dust Bowl. I cried in more than one part of THAT, I can tell you. Looking at that hopelessness, that poverty, that grief....it was gut wrenching. So, I am not just physically, but emotionally exhausted as well. I have a couple of small errands to run tomorrow and then I will prepare to send my husband off to the great north. (He's leaving early Wednesday morning). And I'll put on my game face and pray for safe travels and spend a few days here at home soul searching.
Maybe the chooks will have some answers for me.