Monday, November 19, 2012

Monday keeps turning up, like a bad penny...

 I need to remember this. Feels like I need to re-member a lot of things lately.  Feeling restless, irritable and discontent today.  Feeling like this for a couple of days, actually.  Probably all precipitated by the  Irishman and I not having Thanksgiving together for the first time in 20 + years.  Which is a little silly, but still...it's how I'm feeling, and I have to honor that (or be trampled by it).  I'm reminding myself that I AM performing a kind deed by making sure he can take this trip, no matter how financially and emotionally difficult it is.  And I am a kind person.  And my life is what it is because of that...because I have been through a lot and all of served me in one way or another to make me who I am. And because when I look at it like this,  it takes away some of the pain and hopelessness I feel sometimes. 

  Been in that little dip lately...where I find myself tearing up a lot.  Holidays do this to me...and recent events with family (living) and lack of family (dead) ...that have me questioning my self and my value and my purpose.  Or something.  And there's nothing I hate more than being all weepy...it feels counter productive...but I don't really know what to do about it. My first instinct is to run.  Move to another state. Go back to North Carolina or Northern California.  Anywhere but here.  But I can't really do that either.

  So...I'm baking.  Making loaves of pumpkin bread (naturally) to send along to Wisconsin.  Baking I know. Baking I can control. I'm also going to make some granola bars so he'll have some to take with him and maybe not eat so much junk like they tend to eat up there.  And I'll make him some trail mix as well...full of good stuff like peanuts and raisins and pumpkin seeds and dried fruit....apples, cherries and peaches.  And I will do these things and I will do them with love, even though I'm not feeling so loving (or loveable) right now. And this ickiness will pass (I hope)  and I'll get back to my normal Pollyanna self.

  I'm feeling old too. That doesn't help. My body is crashing down around me and some days I can barely walk.  It hurts bad because I can't get enough exercise and I can't get enough exercise because it hurts too much. I need to get to a doctor, but money is so tight..and I know what they're going to say and it requires a LOT of $$...that I don't have. And that is so frustrating and depressing that I can't stand it. I need new glasses. I need to see a dentist.  It's been a long time since we have had such a hard time as this past few years... And I know it's not just us...and I hate that I feel like I'm being so whiny about it.  I guess sometimes I just need to vent. Hoping that I can get it out of my system and move on. Or something.

******************************

  Hours later now, and I'd like to tell you I feel better. Well...I don't.  And now I think I've made my favorite SIL mad at me too.  And I am miserable. And this thing with my SIL (and partly what's going on with me) revolves around the sister who came up here from Florida.  She was here for an entire week. She contacted no one except one brother (the night before)  to ask if they were coming to the lunch she summoned everyone to. I didn't go. She never made any attempt to contact me the entire time she was here.  I am angry and hurt and snotty about it all.  Face it--I am snotty about a lot of things lately.  

  And snotty is one thing, but this borderline depression is something else entirely.  Not my thing, know what I mean? And it scares me and it makes me angry that I am so affected by someone else's behavior. Not like me.  And I feel as out of control as a downhill train.  And then I think, maybe it's not depression--maybe I'm just really sad.  Maybe I am hurt and sad and I just can't seem to define my emotions.

  Hells bells. Maybe I'm just a ridiculous old woman.  I'll be 60 on January 6th. My dad died when he was 60.  That's probably part of this too. Something unnamed...something in me that's too big and heavy and dark...and now it's bursting out at my seams.  I feel like I need a retreat...a sanctuary...I feel like something is shifting within me and I don't know whether I should be glad or afraid. I know one thing--I don't feel like myself.  Emotional upheaval.  Identity crisis. What do I do ?  Where do I go from here?   Is my life in the process of being redefined?  Am I having a spiritual awakening of some sort?  Is an old part of me dying, and in dying giving birth to some new aspect that I don't yet understand?


 On this note, I'm going to bed. I'm really tired (got a lot done today) and I watched the second part of the Ken Burns documentary on The Dust Bowl.  I cried in more than one part of THAT, I can tell you. Looking at that hopelessness, that poverty, that grief....it was gut wrenching.  So, I am not just physically, but emotionally exhausted as well.  I have a couple of small errands to run tomorrow and then  I will prepare to send my husband off to the great north. (He's leaving early Wednesday morning).  And I'll put on my game face and pray for safe travels and spend a few days here at home soul searching. 

  Maybe the chooks will have some answers for me.



Namaste.





12 comments:

Mary LA said...

So much here I can identify with. Take care my dear friend, you are in my thoughts.

DJan said...

Annie, I wish I had a magic wand to wave over you and make you feel like your Pollyanna self. But of course I don't. All I have is commiseration because I've been there myself, and I'll bet everyone who reads this knows this place. If they are honest about it. I'm hoping we can "share" some Thanksgiving time together here. Please write again soon so I'll know you are all right. Sending you cyber hugs.

Beth said...

I know depression too Annie. It has been with me since my husband's death.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!!

the wild magnolia said...

Sending prayers and healing energies.

Wishing you to find the way to the sacredness you need.

((hugs))

Ashling said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ashling said...

Maybe it's something in the air because some of what you're writing sounds way too personally familiar. Anyway, wishing you brighter days ahead...just ride the wave, don't let it push you under, and all will be well again.

PS Anyone who knows you or follows your blog could only wish to turn 60 with as much energy & verve as you have!

Kristin H. said...

Oh, my dear blogging friend. I hate that you're going through this. I think some time to yourself may be a good thing. Although when you were writing about the trip, it sort of reminded me of Bridges of Madison County lol. Lets hope it doesn't veer off in that direction!

You're in my thoughts.

Mariodacatsmom said...

Sorry I hit the return before I finished this message. Anyway, I'm so sorry you are going thru this funk now. I've been there a few times and it takes awhile to put it all behind you. WHat helps me the most is a very low dosage of Zoloft (an antidepressant). I would really suggest getting something like that, which would unfortunately require a trip to the doctor. Zoloft is perfectly safe and maybe it would just be a short term thing for you. Once you are feeling better, you can get yourself off it by every week cutting back a little on the dosage. I'm really going to worry about you now. You have a lot piling up on you presently and that can be hard to manage without some help now and then. (Oh, you are not old at 60!). I'm 73 and old, but even that isn't that old either. Hang in there girl - I'll be praying for you.

Mama Pea said...

Eeegads, methinks there must be something in the air! I had my own personal meltdown today and once the tears started, I couldn't stop them. Then, of course, I'm always ashamed of myself for being so "ungrateful" when there are so many others worse off than I am, that's for sure. I think perhaps you're like me in that we hold so much inside and let it build up so that it has to go somewhere . . . unfortunately, it often takes a form that isn't very good for ourselves. While your hubby is gone, forget everything on your "To Do" list and be very, very good to yourself. We women need that now and then. Hugs.

Akannie said...

Thanks everyone...for your support and concern...so good to know that I am not alone....

Rita said...

You can absolutely feel two opposite things at once. You may totally understand why it is a good thing for the Irishman to visit his father...but you can be really hurt and even angry that you didn't get your escape and were alone on the holidays. It's probably the conflicting emotions that set you off on a tailspin...add in body pain and being pissed off about being snubbed by the sister and I'd be surprised if you weren't at least a little emotional over it all. At least I know that's how I'd feel, anyways.

I hope you had a decent Thanksgiving regardless. (I'm late reading blogs and it's already very late Thanksgiving night.) *hugs*

Petit fleur said...

Hey Annie,

The weepy depression thing seems to be going around. I think it may be cosmic or something. Maybe we are entering a new age... I mean you know metaphorically speaking. I hear there is a truce in the middle east, for now anyway. It's small, but its something.

I am right there with you on the uncontrolled weeping. I am sort of tearing up right now just typing this. I'm with you on the feeling old and tired and needing to do so many things that seem impossible to accomplish for lack of money, time or whatever... You are so NOT alone. And yes, I do want to run away also. I think I want to run back home, actually...

So, I guess what I'm saying is that it may not be all you. It may be part you, part personal circumstance, part the time of year, part cosmic realignment of the universe, etc... I'm not sure what to do about it though. Im trying to just let it flow as much a possible, but it's hard when you have obligations to show up snotty nosed and teary eyed! BTW, You are NOT snotty. You simply are not buying into and/or indulging the bad behavior of others. I would not have gone either. No way. And while I'm a lot of things, I'm not snotty, (I don't think anyway), and neither are you.

Much love. Hope it passes soon, for all of us.
xo