Sunday, August 19, 2012

A long hard week...

  Love is all there is.  And the older I get, the more I know this to be true.  In the end, all we have is each other and family is everything...and friends are family and life is hard sometimes.  I'm feeling very blessed this week to have people in my life who show me again and again that I am not alone. Some of these people are my family of origin. Some of them are my AA family. Some of them are my cyber-family.  

  Sometimes sacrifices must be made for things to come together the way they should. I think we all have had times in our lives that were so painful and so difficult at the time that we couldn't possibly see any point to it. Or maybe even see that we could possibly survive it.  But we do. And there is.  And eventually the grief passes and the pain lessens and we are left with a gaping hole in our hearts that takes longer to heal.  But heal it will. And learn we will.

  At least that's been my experience.

  This past week, my brother's 19 year old grandson was found dead of a heroin overdose.  It seems that heroin use is on the rise again among our young people.  We have known that this boy and 2 of my brothers sons (and one of my sisters daughters) have been messing around with it.  At one point (maybe 6-7 months ago--maybe longer) at my brothers request, I got involved in a bit of an intervention and took one of the boys to a treatment/rehab/evaluation place.  Of course, they aren't all boys...the one I took is in his 30's I guess.  They sent him home.  They said he was a recreational drug user and not qualified for treatment. He wouldn't have stayed anyway.

  That's how these things go.

  One of the brothers went to rehab. He seems to be clean.

   The other brother got treatment for depression and seemed to be getting better and was off the stuff.

 The dead boy got pulled over for speeding and they found paraphernalia and arrested hm. He did 6 months and got out a couple of weeks ago.  I think we had all hoped it would have been enough of a scare (or kick in the butt) to make him stop using for good.  It wasn't.

  And now he is dead. No more chances, no more options, no nothing.  And his family is reeling. And the devastation is acute. And my family is left with that gaping hole where young Cody used to live. It is senseless, it is tragic, it is beyond grief.  Allegedly, the dealer and his girlfriend picked him up, took him somewhere, they shot up the dope and they took him back to his house when they saw he was od'ing, and left him there to die. And the outrage of everyone involved  leaves me thinking--well, what do you expect? That's how these people live.  And I had to say the words more than once--He made the choice to use.  It was Cody that called them, went with them, shot up.  He is not a blameless victim in this.  And my words fall on deaf ears, because they all want this to be someone else's fault. Of course they do. Because when something like this happens, everyone feels so guilty. If only...we could have done this or that or MORE.  Because they don't understand the nature of addiction.  It doesn't make it all any less wrong, or only leaves us with no one to blame really.  And lots of unresolved issues and no chance to say goodbyes  or I love yous or anything.

   Yet, life goes on.  This boy's baby cousin turns 1 year old today.  The party has been postponed.  People have to go back to work and take care of their children and live their lives.  Mothers and fathers have to get on with their other children. Sisters and brothers have to learn to live with the ghost of a boy who won't be at the table come Thanksgiving. And maybe everyone will pull each closer and be reminded for a time that we desperately need each other in this life.  And that we have to take every opportunity we get to say I love you and to pay attention and to live the best lives we know how.

  And maybe that's all there ever is anyway. 


  And my garden keeps me busy, with too much solitude and too much time to think. We have been harvesting and freezing edamame this week. Drying tomatoes. beans and kale and lettuces, radishes, carrots. I still haven't made the jalapeno jelly. Sat with my neighbors husband 2 days last week and am helping a friend with her grandchildren tomorrow.  I plan to get my fridge cleaned out today if I don't do anything else. The front yard needs mowing drastically and I may do that or save it for the Irishman who gets home around 4 today.  My knee has been hurting pretty badly, so I may forego that job. 

   Well..not a very upbeat post today, but I feel a little better for having verbalized some of this and gotten it out of me onto the page, so I guess that's certainly worth something. 

   It's been lovely weather lately--no rain  :(  but temps only in the 80's.

   I have some dishes to clean up and a little other stuff to do. I have started reading Carson McCullers The Heart is a Lonely Hunter...hard to believe I haven't read this before now, but if I did, I sure don't remember it.

   I'm feeling a little heavy and taking it slow.  And that's a good pace for a quiet Sunday morning...



Hope said...

I am so sorry to hear of your nephew's death. Hugs to you across the miles.

DJan said...

What a tragedy. My heart goes out to the family, and I am so sorry that this young life was lost to drugs. Annie, you are a master at telling the truth, and I am so appreciative of your posts because they don't varnish over any of the hard stuff. But I am sorry for the loss. Peace.

Beth said...

Annie, dear, your post has brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for the senseless loss of your nephew.

Prayers for peace for his family and for you Annie.

cloudia charters said...

Thank you for sharing your heart and truth with us who do care!

Aloha from Honolulu
Comfort Spiral
> < } } ( ° >

Cozy Thyme Cottage said...

Iam so sorry to hear of Cody's death and the sorrow that it has brought you and your family. May God comfort you all during this time of sadness. Nancy

Ashling said...

I'm so sorry to know you and your family have known such sadness. And I admire you doing what womyn have always done....whatever needs doing. Kale still grows, tomatoes still need drying even as we come to terms with all we can't control & fix. Wishing you peace and solace in your garden...

Akannie said...

Thank you all for your is never an easy thing to deal with, yet such a part of life...

Tomorrow is the memorial the evening. But in the morning I shall go play with my friends grandsons--ages 2 and 6 months. That will cheer me up immensely.

CiCi said...

Gosh, I just don't know what to say. It must have been an exercise for you to write the words and feelings and share them here. It seems like an act of love to those of us who read this post. This is indeed a sad event that a mere nineteen year old is dead because he chose to do drugs. I have lived with drug users and alcohol users and know it is their choice. For whatever their reasons. You are a survivor and a good example in your family. You face your own addictions and you are facing life's challenges.

Rita said...

So very, very sorry to hear of the family death. We think a lot alike. That blaming somebody else way of excuse-thinking is just another way of enabling the addiction. Panicked, spaced out drug addicts are not exactly responsible people. If you spend your time with people who would leave you to day they will. Kind of like walking down the middle of the freeway every day might get you run over. Doesn't mean your heart doesn't break for him in the deepest sense. I know what you mean, though. We each choose our own path. We can try to blame it on parents or circumstances or lovers or bad luck or whatever...but it is ours alone. No one else is walking it.

So sad when people choose to walk in sorrow and pain. Tears for the young man...and for the family.