Love is all there is. And the older I get, the more I know this to be true. In the end, all we have is each other and family is everything...and friends are family and life is hard sometimes. I'm feeling very blessed this week to have people in my life who show me again and again that I am not alone. Some of these people are my family of origin. Some of them are my AA family. Some of them are my cyber-family.
Sometimes sacrifices must be made for things to come together the way they should. I think we all have had times in our lives that were so painful and so difficult at the time that we couldn't possibly see any point to it. Or maybe even see that we could possibly survive it. But we do. And there is. And eventually the grief passes and the pain lessens and we are left with a gaping hole in our hearts that takes longer to heal. But heal it will. And learn we will.
At least that's been my experience.
This past week, my brother's 19 year old grandson was found dead of a heroin overdose. It seems that heroin use is on the rise again among our young people. We have known that this boy and 2 of my brothers sons (and one of my sisters daughters) have been messing around with it. At one point (maybe 6-7 months ago--maybe longer) at my brothers request, I got involved in a bit of an intervention and took one of the boys to a treatment/rehab/evaluation place. Of course, they aren't all boys...the one I took is in his 30's I guess. They sent him home. They said he was a recreational drug user and not qualified for treatment. He wouldn't have stayed anyway.
That's how these things go.
One of the brothers went to rehab. He seems to be clean.
The other brother got treatment for depression and seemed to be getting better and was off the stuff.
The dead boy got pulled over for speeding and they found paraphernalia and arrested hm. He did 6 months and got out a couple of weeks ago. I think we had all hoped it would have been enough of a scare (or kick in the butt) to make him stop using for good. It wasn't.
And now he is dead. No more chances, no more options, no nothing. And his family is reeling. And the devastation is acute. And my family is left with that gaping hole where young Cody used to live. It is senseless, it is tragic, it is beyond grief. Allegedly, the dealer and his girlfriend picked him up, took him somewhere, they shot up the dope and they took him back to his house when they saw he was od'ing, and left him there to die. And the outrage of everyone involved leaves me thinking--well, what do you expect? That's how these people live. And I had to say the words more than once--He made the choice to use. It was Cody that called them, went with them, shot up. He is not a blameless victim in this. And my words fall on deaf ears, because they all want this to be someone else's fault. Of course they do. Because when something like this happens, everyone feels so guilty. If only...we could have done this or that or MORE. Because they don't understand the nature of addiction. It doesn't make it all any less wrong, or tragic...it only leaves us with no one to blame really. And lots of unresolved issues and no chance to say goodbyes or I love yous or anything.
Yet, life goes on. This boy's baby cousin turns 1 year old today. The party has been postponed. People have to go back to work and take care of their children and live their lives. Mothers and fathers have to get on with their other children. Sisters and brothers have to learn to live with the ghost of a boy who won't be at the table come Thanksgiving. And maybe everyone will pull each closer and be reminded for a time that we desperately need each other in this life. And that we have to take every opportunity we get to say I love you and to pay attention and to live the best lives we know how.
And maybe that's all there ever is anyway.
And my garden keeps me busy, with too much solitude and too much time to think. We have been harvesting and freezing edamame this week. Drying tomatoes. Planting...green beans and kale and lettuces, radishes, carrots. I still haven't made the jalapeno jelly. Sat with my neighbors husband 2 days last week and am helping a friend with her grandchildren tomorrow. I plan to get my fridge cleaned out today if I don't do anything else. The front yard needs mowing drastically and I may do that or save it for the Irishman who gets home around 4 today. My knee has been hurting pretty badly, so I may forego that job.
Well..not a very upbeat post today, but I feel a little better for having verbalized some of this and gotten it out of me onto the page, so I guess that's certainly worth something.
It's been lovely weather lately--no rain :( but temps only in the 80's.
I have some dishes to clean up and a little other stuff to do. I have started reading Carson McCullers The Heart is a Lonely Hunter...hard to believe I haven't read this before now, but if I did, I sure don't remember it.
I'm feeling a little heavy and taking it slow. And that's a good pace for a quiet Sunday morning...