Anger, like a lightning strike at my heart...

  I am calling on those who have gone before me. Those stronger and wiser and better than  I am at handling things that strike at me like a rattlesnake.   Looking for comfort, looking for answers, looking for something to neutralize these poisonous feelings I am experiencing.

  I have been absolutely livid tonight. Someone whose path intersects with mine FOR SOME UNGODLY REASON, has pushed me right to the edge of my sanity and tolerance. I am allowing anothers behavior to do this to me. That's the crazy part. I can't seem to lay it down and walk away.

  Repeatedly, I have been infected by the fact that this person cannot be honest or truthful about almost anything.  Perhaps because I am the adult child of an alcoholic and I grew up in a house where you never knew what was real or true from one day to the next.  Perhaps because in the throes of my own disease of alcoholism, I was the biggest liar on the planet. Sometimes it was a game to see what I could get away with, sometimes it was spiteful and sometimes it was just because I couldn't tell the difference between the truth and a lie anymore. When you lie incessantly,  about things you don't even NEED to lie about, the edges all blur together and it is impossible to discern fact from fiction.

  My biggest voice [in my head] keeps saying "But yeah--this does affect me daily!!!"  Somewhere else a voice whispers "Really? Why is that?"

  The text tells me that anger is the dubious luxury of normal men. That it will kill me.  I know that having a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting  the other guy to die. And there are things I can do to deal with this.

   I spent some time in meditation tonight, trying to quiet that monster of self righteous anger.  It came to me that fear creates a brokenness in a person that causes negative behaviors to manifest.  That all brokenness has the same underlying cause. Fear.  Fear that one will lose something one has, or not get something one wants. And the answer to all fear is compassion.  And Love.  So, is my compassion not big enough to cover this? And if it is not, why?

  So...what do I do to enter this arena I find myself in, with some obvious lessons to learn ? How do I bring my heart into alignment with what I know to be the solution ?  Focusing on my breath, as it comes in and out again. Detaching from my emotions, and from all outcomes.  Planting myself  directly in the center of God's heart and that wellspring of love and compassion...and trying to see this person with God's eyes. And knowing that no one can hurt me unless I let them. My ego wants to react, and never in the right way. So...I stop the reacting. I say the prayer that lets me set aside everything I think I know about the situation, so that I might have a new experience.  And I embrace the person and their brokenness and bless them with all my heart.

    I am reminded of something I was told a long time ago, by a spiritual advisor. "You must honor everyone, wherever they are on their journey."  We are all traveling, each of us on our own path, at different places on the journey. We have to crawl before we walk sometimes.  And today I must remember that  sage advise hanging on my refrigerator...

 "You are a child of God. So ACT like it."

Namaste.

A Sunday of rest...

LOL...I love this. It hangs on the wall between my dining room and living room. The first time I heard it I fell over laughing. I thought YES!!


I came across this plaque at a time when I was having some less than satisfactory dealings with some people who were (I thought) my friends. I was in that place of not knowing who to trust or not to trust, who to believe ...well--you know. We've probably all been there, at one time or another in our lives. Unless of course we live on some high spiritual mountaintop, and never have to deal with other human beings. (cough) That's certainly not my story. lol

Anyway...I remembered thinking how great it would be if there some little thing...some little affectation maybe, that could help us recognize the folks who don't really love us. Some little LIMP, for instance. lol But it isn't like that, is it? So we all muddle through as best we can, and we get our feelings hurt and our toes stepped on and maybe we retaliate and maybe we don't. And it's all just so exhausting! Trying to figure things like this out can be frustrating (not to mention, time consuming). So what to do?


I read something once on my Buddhist journey that talked about things like allowing each person we meet to be who they are, and where they are. Because we are all on a journey in this life, not all going the same way or to the same destination necessarily, but still a journey nonetheless. SO my ideal behavior here is to honor everyone wherever they are on THEIR journey. To respect all human beings and to have compassion for the ones that have lost themselves on the way. And to keep my mind focused on my own journey. Not their journey, or where I think they should be going. But to stay where my feet are, and to honor all living things. And that includes animals. And the planet. And my rude neighbors. lol

When I can remember to do this, it makes my path a much smoother place to walk. It makes me look at the people around me through God's eyes. Someone reminded me once that we..."Have to crawl before we walk." And it's true. Gandhi said we .."Have to BE the change we want to see in the world." And I know that when all a person knows is one way of being, and never sees any other way, they will think that their way is the only way. And so it becomes my responsibility to "Be the change" and in most cases that merely means that I have to be kind, and be honest, and be loving. Not just to the ones who love me, but more importantly, to the ones who really don't. And here's another little gem that a woman, a complete stranger to me, dropped in my lap one day. She looked at me and said, "Hurt people, hurt people." And when I can pair up these things, it teaches me to be compassionate. It gives me a little more understanding of why people do what they do sometimes. And I can back off and shut down my ego-reactor and say a little prayer. For health. And for healing.


And then there are days when I just look for the turned ankles....





Namaste.

Tweakin' Tuesday...

My little Aladog...Miss Molly McGee....


Lordy, what a day. A day full of people in trouble, crises, and tears and heartbreak.

Thankfully, I have been able to be there for them. One ensconced in the lavender guest room. One in jail. One sleeping off an emotional hangover. One day of this is enough to last me a lifetime... I am very tired, but so wound up I can't sleep. I have been in a position to hand out everything from Kleenex to hugs to BB pages to read. I have prayed, I have held hands and I have watched movies and ate macaroni and cheese comfort food. I have extended my hands and my heart and my home to some people in need.

I can't ever recall a day quite like this one. Lots of talk of patience and acceptance and trusting that things will turn out exactly the way they are supposed to. Undoubtably things that I needed to hear as well.

I went to a meeting last night with 4 of my sponslings. One was a shaky, hurting relapser. The topic was out of As Bill Sees It, on A New Life. Certainly glad I was there for it. Tomorrow night I will go to another meeting where a friend of mine is getting her 6 year coin. I wouldn't miss it for the world. On Friday at noon, another good friend is celebrating 20 years. Miracles and blessings abound.

Sometimes my life gets almost boring...everything on an even keel, no waves, sailing smoothly along. And then there are days like this, where I pray for guidance and hope I can say the right things and do the right things and not make anything worse than it already is. Emotional distress is almost harder for people to deal with than physical trauma, I think. I know it is for me. But if we can just hold on and not drink or use to ease the pain, we have half a chance to get through it. And more than once today I said "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." I have a lot of prayers to say tonight for a few people. Prayers for acceptance, prayers for relief from fear, and prayers for patience.

I am grateful to be sober today. To have MY life and not somebody else's. To know that if I am in trouble, there are things I can do. To share my Experience (I have lots!), my Strength (I have that too!) and my Hope (and this is the big one!). To touch another human being and let them know that, no matter what, if they can get through the trials and not drink, everything WILL be alright.

I am so thankful for every last drink I took. For every big mistake I have ever made. And for the truth of my life today: I never have to do this alone. Ever.


Namaste.

Fascinating Fridays

It's a good day when you haven't had to use booze as your core solution to all your problems. I am one of those people who, in the past, would do anything to change the way I felt, because I was never okay. I would pour copious amounts of booze into this hole in my face, take any and every drug imaginable, move, sleep my way across the country, shave my head...you name it and I have done it. And mostly it would work for a little while. But in the end I always wound up back at ground zero...wondering how I was going to make it through my life.

And then the earth opened up and I was swallowed whole by my disease. The bottom fell out. I hit the wall. I was face down in the dirt, and I was in that horrible place where nothing worked anymore and nothing made me feel better. I couldn't stop using drugs and alcohol and I couldn't keep on using them either.

And that was when my Creator sent a guy into my life that helped me shift the paradigm. If it wasn't for him, heaven only knows where I would be today, or IF I would be today. (My mother died of this disease when she was 1 year younger than I am today). Anyway, I have a shrine in my heart for this guy that saved me. And he knows he saved me, or helped save me, because when I was 2 years sober, I wrote him a letter thanking him for the part he played. His name was Officer Reynolds, and he worked for the California Highway Patrol. He's the guy that arrested me and then broke a bunch of rules, like not handcuffing me and letting me ride in the front seat with him down to the police station. He sat with me in the holding cell while I waited for them to come and fingerprint me. He talked to me about this organization called AA and that they helped a lot of people like me. He told me that since this was my first offense, the judge would probably make me go to some meetings and pay a big fine. He told me that I could be okay, and that I could find a way to live without having to be drunk all the time.

I don't know what got me to thinking about Officer Reynolds today. I don't know why I got one of the nicer cops that night. I was a sloppy , stupid, obnoxious drunk. There's more to this story, but it's enough to know that I have never forgotten him or his face or his name in over 20 years.

I was thinking about how blessed I am to be sober today. To have a relationship with my Higher Power. To have friends that I can call when I am experiencing that dark night of the soul. To have a place to go where people know me and help me in ways I would never have imagined.

The Elegant Blessings of a sober productive life...full to the brim with love and self respect and compassion. It doesn't get any better than this....