...been driving the road home, and suddenly just lose it? There was a song playing on the radio that was the song my ex-husband used to sing to me.."you are the woman that I've always dreamed of...I knew it from the start...." and I just burst out crying. And I cried for about 15 minutes...for lost love and for broken dreams and for all the things we would never know about each other growing old. I felt like somebody slammed their fist into my solar plexus and it took the wind out of me. And I thought "He has died." And it opened a big hole in my heart that I thought time and new love had closed. If he has indeed died, it would be of alcoholism, and no one will bother to ever tell me, I'm afraid. I haven't laid eyes on him in over 16 years. I did speak to him once, about 10 years ago, and the conversation was so painful that I never did it again. We separated when I got sober, when I was 37 years old, almost 22 years ago. And for a while there tonight, the pain was as raw as it was then.
Do our hearts ever heal when they break down the middle? Does the yearning ever stop and the wistfulness subside?
I have made a good life for myself with a good man. And that is beside the point.
I have been having more and more minor psychic experiences again...small de ja vu's and a sense of someone or something hovering at the edge of my consciousness. Perhaps this is more of that. Perhaps not. I am reminded of the part of the story of Daughters of Copper Woman (I think) where the shimmering cords that connect her to everyone who has ever been part of her life manifest and oh, hell...I cannot think straight right now...it's after 1 AM and I should be in bed. Maybe tomorrow I can finish this or wake up a little more enlightened and sure of what I'm even talking about or remembering.
Maybe. Or maybe not.
