Easter Sunday

  Ever have that feeling that you're dancing as fast as you can...and any minute you're liable to spring right up into the skies?  Today has been like that for me.


  I cooked a half a ham that was in the freezer. I candied some sweet potatoes from last years garden...with butter and brown sugar and pecans.  I cooked the very last quart of green beans from last year with bacon and onion..And I made a toasted coconut cheesecake.  I did 3 loads of laundry.  I vacuumed the house and several pieces of furniture.  I sorted through the seed box from last years seeds and decided what was good and what needed tossing.  I started a brand new garden journal for 2011...the one before finally fell apart...and had entries from years 2002-2010.  I vowed to do a better job with this years journal...I did diagram the beds, but everything else pretty much fell by the wayside. I finished all this by 1 PM.


   After my husband and I ate a nice Easter dinner, I went to work. And this sounds crazy when I read it, even to me.  Now it's midnight and I am tired. I didn't hear from one single member of my family today. I did get calls and text messages form a few friends...but not one word from my family. Nobody got together for dinner this year. I guess. Either that, or I just wasn't invited. I know my son wasn't sure what they were doing, probably going to his inlaws, he said.  I sent out an email saying happy easter to everyone.  Ain't that some shit?


   We have had some serious storms around here.  Tornadoes and straight line winds and torrential rains.  The creeks are swollen and the yards are saturated. The roads are covered in water in lots of places. This is going to push the farmers back a few weeks in their planting. It will give me more time to start some seedlings indoors...if I hurry.  Squash mostly.  They are forecasting rain for at least the next week.  Sigh....

  The best part is that everything that was so brown and dead is suddenly lush and green and dizzyingly beautiful.  Almost overnight.  It's the miracle of spring around the Prairie...

   Guess I'll head for bed here in a minute.  I need to get a grip on my world here, hanging on tight, so that I do not fly away....

Mystical Magical World

A Pocketful of MIracles

I really love this picture. It has all the components of what makes life miraculous. Mystical magick of a rainbow. The incredible hues of a bluebird. Mother Nature. A sky that's a color that is hard to imagine showing up to cover a world.


I have been thinking today of miracles. Of how I lived for a lot of years in misery and in fantasy and in denial of who I was and what I wanted out of life. Probably it's all part of the learning curve, but if you're a person of my ilk, you barrel through life not paying attention to stuff, intent only on the journey. Never looking up to see where you're going or what you're doing to get there. Burning bridges and breaking hearts and always on the run, run, run. Of always trying so hard to catch up with the how it used to be's...even though I was never that crazy about how it used to be. It was more of an obsession to be in the fast lane. And not really knowing what that was.


Having known the kind of people who inhabit both extremes of the spectrum, I have always been amazed at how people settle for so little in their lives. I felt like that back then, and I feel like that now. Of course the parameters have changed, but it's still thought provoking to me when I see someone still living in the same town, still doing the same things, still with the same people. I couldn't wait to be shed of this place when I was young. I knew there was a big world out there (I was a reader, you know...*snort), and I knew that SOMETHING was waiting for me out in it. And by the time I was 18 years old, I had already lived in 3 states. I would take off for little periods of time, up to a year, and then I would come back and hate it all the more.

What I didn't know then that I sometimes remember now is that ...wherever I go, there I am.What I didn't understand about all those other people who were content to just stay in their familiar little corner of the world, was that THEY weren't being chased around and around their heads like I was. They had some serenity--I had none. They didn't sit around waiting for the other shoe to drop like I did. They weren't constantly living in another reality, because this one was just too much to bear. They were getting on with their lives and their loves and I was whirling like a dervish that couldn't afford to stop long enough to even figure out what I wanted or who I wanted to do it with.


And so the race continued.

Until I was so worn out and so used up and so freaking exhausted from it all that I felt like I was going to die. And that was about the time that a Power completely outside my understanding intervened. And a series of events took place that was to change my life forever. Things happened that could only be called incredible. The stars lined up and the planets followed suit and before I knew it, I was a changed woman.


A Course in Miracles says that a miracle is a shift in perception.When you take someone like me, and you take away all the mind altering drugs, the booze, the collection of what I thought were my survival tools (men, sex, work, money, security, denial), you take away the ego, you take away the old way of life....something is bound to shift. And in that shift, that chasm between the old life and this new life, miracles are born.

Alcoholics Anonymous tells me to "Expect a Miracle". They tell me that for a person like me to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body is nothing but a miracle. They are absolutely correct.


In my own mind, when I try to reconcile the old me with the present me...the obvious result is awe. I am completely amazed at the things that bring me joy today...things (that are never things) that I used to never even see. Things I thought couldn't possibly matter, in the great cosmic scheme of things. Things that I dismissed...not worthy of my attention.


I know that fear is what separates me from God and from my fellow human beings. I know that love is the only thing that can glue that crack in my cosmic egg...that can repair the damages in my life. Ipso facto, God equals Love. And Love equals God.


And that's all I really need to know. Love is always the answer.



Namaste. What I didn't understand about all those other people who were content to just stay in their familiar little corner of the world, was that

MIndfull Mondays

On my 14 th AA birthday, we went to Founders Day. My sobriety date is June 12, 1990. That year(2004), they were preparing to open the Gate House on the Seiberling Estate, to the public. We went up and took pictures sitting on the stoop of the place where Bill W and Dr. Bob met for the first time. It felt like an historic event, at least for me. Going to Akron, Ohio for the first time is something no one should miss. For me it was almost like a holy day, lol...there were thousands of people there for Founders Day. It was crazy. Luckily, I am blessed with good friends who live in Akron, so we got to see everything from the perspective of residents. Sober residents, mind you. All the back streets and the cool stuff the week before everyone showed up, so we were free to peruse the city. The hospital and the Sister Ignatia wing. Dr. Bob's house. The Akron Intergoup Office. The cemetery where his grave is, where the big bikers parade goes every year on FD. Later on the weekend, we got to look at the archives display that was up. It was all so incredible. I celebrated my birthday there at a meeting in Akron, and got my coin. I will never forget it.

When I was about 15 minutes sober I went to an AA campout. It was so much fun being with other sober people, doing one of the things I dreaded because I always did it so drunk. I had a ball. When I was 2 years sober, I went to the 32nd annual AA convention in Hawaii. I felt God in that room at the Waikiki Sheraton, when about 3000 of us stood in a circle and held hands for the Lord's Prayer. Every year I attended conferences and conventions, dances and potlucks, campouts and picnics. I have traveled around this country attending AA functions of various kinds. I have met sober friends of Bill from all over the world. I start almost every morning chatting via internet with a sober friend from Australia. As I'm starting my day, she's getting ready for bed. She's physically housebound for the most part, and it is imperative that she be in contact with other alcoholics, just like it is for me. I adore her, and consider her one of my favorite people, even though we have never met face to face. We have a common bond. I am actively involved in my own sobriety. I have been able to stand by friends going through severe health issues, deaths of spouses, loss of children. I have been able to be there for struggling newcomers and open my heart and my home to them as well. I have had crowds of sober people in my home for spaghetti dinners and board games, bbqs and Christmas parties. I have been able to provide a place for people in a recovery home to go during the holidays, when they had nowhere to go, and be family to ones who have no other family.

I have been blessed beyond measure with a richness and fullness that I would never have believed possible. Today someone called me up just to say how much they loved me and how blessed they were that I was their sponsor. Understand this: these kinds of things DO NOT happen to people like me. None of this stuff. It is the absolute gracious blessings in my life that make it possible for a low bottom drunk like me to live a life of joy and usefulness. A desperate, hopeless condition of mind and body has been transformed into a loving and helpful human being that sits at this keyboard tonight. This was made possible by the love of a bunch of drunks for another drunk. It was made possible by these 12 Steps. It was made possible by the peace of God which surpasses ALL my understanding.

Today, I am glad to be the woman I am. I don't care to be anyone else, I am not jealous of any other life.

Today I am grateful. And today, I am Especially Blessed. And I am in love with Alcoholics Anonymous...forever.


Namaste.

WHAT ?!?!?!?! Wednesday already?!?!?!?!

From a cave somewhere in Virginia, in the Shenandoah Valley....

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I don't know how I have lost 2 days this week, but there'll probably be more times like this. I get so busy this time of year that I start falling asleep at the keyboard ! So, I'll just apologize ahead of time and hope for the best...lol

It's been a lovely day of taking a meeting to a woman who's just had a surgery. Got busy early and made a big salad with all sorts of wonderful ingredients, garnished with eggs from my Rhode Island Reds and pickled beets (from my garden, of course), and radishes and cucumbers. We had a wonderful time and she was delighted to have company. I remember how it was when I got hurt, and was so blessed by women coming by with lunch and a Big Book...I am grateful to be able to return the favor.

The itchies are abating, I think. I still have a handfull of blisters on my right hand, but the neck and face are clearing up, thank goodness. I just hope I learn my lesson from this little incident...
never again will I weed without gloves -- at least not along the fencline like that. (Made a solemn promise, with and without an oath...)lol.

We are having a dessert potluck tomorrow night at the women's meeting monthly open speaker meeting. I think I will make the pie again, only blackberry this time, with the fancy crust. I still have quite a lot of blackberries from last year in the freezer, as we had a record crop. I hope they do as well this year, and I'll make jam again as I'm about out. We always have lots of different desserts that people bring and it's always fun trying other peoples recipes.

Little Caylee is asleep here by my desk (her favorite place at night). She is growling softly in her sleep and her muscles twitch as she chases the elusive rabbit in her dreams. She is a very good dog...always comes immediately when I whistle for her and stays close to home. As opposed to the other 2 dogs, who roam the world over and are often outside of earshot.

I was thinking today about how easy it is to not notice all the blessings around you...how easy it can be to take life for granted and not appreciate the subtle graces and gifts that surround us every day. I think it was Einstein who once said "There are 2 ways to look at the world. One is as if nothing is a miracle and the other is as if EVERYTHING is a miracle." I choose the way I look at my world today . Like gratitude, I get to choose this every day, if I so desire. I look for the miraculous in the mundane, the joyful simplicity in the details of my life. I can experience the awe and wonder every minute, if I want.

How cool is that?


Namaste.

Fridays Furrows

The elusive blackberry lily.

I wasn't sure why it was called that until the end of the first summer I had planted them, when the flowers are gone, the seed pod emerges and it looks just like a blackberry! Cool beans.

I have a lot of gratitude for the nature I am constantly surrounded by. Our little piece of heaven has hickory and walnut trees. Lots of violets are sticking their heads up in the yard now, along with the little pink veined white flowers whose name I cannot remember. Any minute now the trillium will show her waxy leaves and the May Apples will start popping up. I've seen a few of those already...and the morel mushrooms often come up around where you find the May Apples, so this is a sign yhat the mushroom picking season is coming soon.

The nurseries and greenhouse are all overflowing and ready to start hawking their wares. Seeing landscaping companies' trucks all over and guys out mowing lawns. angels bending over every blade of grass, whispering..."Grow, Grow".

I love this time of year. Even with the surprise setbacks and returns of inclement weather, it's beautiful and magnificent. Last night we had severe thunderstorms and flash floods. Couldn't post my blog because I had to turn the computer off and unplug everything because of lightning. We had lots of flooding 'round these parts....my road was covered with water in a bunch of places.

Love of nature, gratitude for a sober life, the awe of the miracles of spring...all these combine to make a magical existence. I am especially blessed to be me today. A destination I never thought I would find, once upon a time.


Namaste.

Tickled Green on Tuesday

Happy St Paddy's to you all. If you ate corned beef and cabbage tonight, God help the person sleeping in your bed. LOL

Here's hoping you find your pot o' gold at the end of the rainbow, before the leprechauns snatch it away!

I have had a blessed day...time outside, working in the yard, time inside cleaning and cooking. Pets to love and care for, friends to love and care for, a great conversation with a nun. A nice meal with my beloved. 4 baby kittens, whose eyes are wide open...making them too adorable to even think of giving away...(oh no--I did not say that!)... my life is simple, but it is good. It is getting simpler all the time. I am happy and content. I have everything I need, and then some.

I have been taking a long look lately at the way my life has unfolded. Sobriety has been the best thing that ever happened to me. If it were not for sobriety, I would have no marriage to this wonderful man that I met at an AA birthday party. I would not have a comfortable home in the country, where I can sing and dance and pray and play to my heart's delight. None of you sober people would be such a huge part of my reality.

Wow. Gratitude is a gift I choose every day.

What a lucky duck I am!!

Namaste.

Suddenly Sunday...

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Criminey...these are me today...

And my hip is killing me and I may have to resort to a pain pill before going to bed. Last night I didn't sleep much at all...everytime I would have to turn over or shift, it was excruciating. It doesn't get like this too much anymore, and I rarely have to take the analgesics, but I guess crawling around under the truck the other day did a number on me.

I was talking to someone this afternoon about all the blessings that make us sit up and take notice, and how different they are from the blessings that we just take for granted. The ordinary blessings, the garden variety blessings. And how cool it is when something happens that makes us realize how much our lives are shaped by these things.

Like, I really got a first hand taste of how blessed we are when we have our health. When we can walk and work without pain. I will never be able to sit on the floor again. (For some goofy reason, that's a big one to me). I can't sit in chairs without a back on them for more than about 10 minutes. I can't lie in a hot bath...oh, I hate that...I cannot remember anymore, after 7.5 years, what it is like to not have chronic pain. To be able to stay on your feet for extended periods of time. To be able to sleep through the night. Little things.

Looking at our lives every day like everything is a miracle is an exercise in Beauty. It is an exercise in Hope. It is an exercise in Love.

Look around you. Pay attention. Practice the miracle of mindfulness.

Squeeze every drop out of every day...because you just never know.

Namaste.

Scintillating Sunday

This is the new baby Caylee. Of course, she's been with us about a month now, but--animal heirerarchy being what it is, she'll always be Baby Caylee. lol She's a real smiler...

Lots of opportunities for gratitude today. Grateful for a really good meeting this morning on Tradition4. Grateful for the meeting chair with 34 years sober. Grateful for the chance to do a little back handed service by giving someone a ride home from the meeting. Grateful to meet some local artisans at the Heritage Days festival. Grateful to get a link to the local Dulcimer Society and maybe even find a teacher. Grateful and especially blessed to have such a beautiful day in which to do all these things. Clear blue skies and temps in the low 80's. Grateful for a call from Florida from a concerned friend. Grateful for the conversation with my baby brother who had gall bladder surgery earlier this week and is doing well.

Glad to be sober enough to recognize the miracles and the blessings and the spirit all around me.

Really glad to be on this side of the dirt, still sucking air.

September's final Saturday

Hard to believe it's almost October. This summer flew by and the year as well. Ah...growing older gives the 'Speed of Light' a whole new meaning.

I spent a good part of the day with my grandson. Even now, it's sometimes hard to believe I'm old enough to be a grandma...seems like just last week, I was young and energetic and taking on the world. I think alcoholism really slows down your life too...those days went on forever, and then suddenly in the !snap! of a finger, it was over. Doing crazy things, those feelings of immortality, the times....oh, my. And now here I am--shocked every time I pass a mirror..thinking, holy mother of god--is that really me? I don't feel that different than I did say, 16 years ago. Sure - I have a few more miles on me, but crikey! Inside, I still feel 27 sometimes. It's a scary thing....lol

Today was a day of memory making times with my grandson, and mundane household chores, and everyday miracles. Those ordinary, garden variety run-of-the-mill kind of miracles that I see around me every day. The ones that bless me, and my life and my loved ones. Things like seeing the pool of tadpoles and small baby frogs, the beginnings of life that I could share with an 11 year old. Going to the school fun faire with him, where there were LOTS of grandma's, and meeting his teachers past and present and some of his friends. Watching him interact with the kids, all the little girls hug him and he is so sweet and sensitive. One of his friends was pouty beccause she hadn't won anything, so he gave her some of his tickets to go choose something from the prize table. This is the kind of child I woud choose to have as a grandson...instead, I was blessed with him. We went to the springs to fill the water jugs for drinking, and he was helping me and turned and said, "wow, gram...it's so peaceful here, isn't it? No wonder this water tastes so good."

A couple of calls blessed me today, sober women who are staying sober against all odds. Miracles.

We got a notice that they are finally fully funded with the grant to get city water out here to us. Construction will start in Jan/09..we have been waiting and been promised this for 3 years. That will mean no more hauling water, no more 'no water' when the power is out, no more being unable to water the garden without pumping water up from the pond. Another small miracle.

All my cats are in without me having to try to herd them into the house at night. A major miracle.

Miracles of this sort are everywhere when I choose to see them. Blessing me as I go about my day.

I like this kind of life and however much of it I have left, I want to experience and live it joyfully and fully. I'm going to sleep now....

Thank you, God.

Viva la Thursday !!!

(This is the road to Annie's house....)

Lovin' Thursdays. Women's Meeting was wonderful, discussion this week and the topic was emotional sobriety. It was freakin' awesome.

Got to try to get to bed early tonight, and here it is 11:30 already. sigh...not enough hours in the day, it seems.

Had to help a mommy with a whacked out 2 year old tonight. It got unreal...screaming and twisting around and stiffening and kicking ...it would've been funny to watch if the poor mom hadn't been ready to shoot herself in the head. Baby daddy went to rehab, a program that goes for like a year. Baby has been acting out ever since he left. Mommy is at her wits end. And broke, and lonely. It was a real emotional event for her, and I think she's about to snap.

I feel very blessed to NOT have a very young child today. I often think, watching these mothers of young kids struggling to stay sober, that I am kinda glad I drank all those years. (not really, but you know what I'm saying). I feel blessed to be able to help out in a couple of small ways. I am grateful to have sponslings that are committed to sobriety, even if they're a tad suicidal. I am grateful to have the abundance to share to have 2 of the women I sponsor and their kids (1 each) over for supper tomorrow night. It will give them a break and some social life and hopefully a sense of belonging and connection. I am blessed that my grandson will be here for the weekend too, and he loves little kids. I am blessed (dove-o-roni) that I can eat a half a Dove bar. lol And I am blessed to be blessed by my HP...

I am blessed to have the chance to write this blog every night, because I get good feedback from a few people and it keeps my eyes open to the miracles and the blessings around me. It helps me feel connected too. I read other blogs and it recharges my batteries, and gives mne so much hope, knowing that we are all in this recovery thing together.

I am feeling like one lucky duck!