I think the train has jumped the track. Do you want your money back?

  On Sunday, my dear son was over.  We chatted for a while, he fished for a while and then the Irishman got home and the three of us sat down to a midday meal.  I was in heaven. I don't get to feed him very often.  :)

  I made a panko battered fried tofu slices with peanut sauce, soba noodles with a coconut curry sauce and steamed vegetables (cauliflower, broccoli, edamame, carrots, onions and garlic).  And of course, Asian slaw...Chinese cabbage with shredded carrot, minced cucumber and green onions...dressed with a rice vinegar and topped with black sesame seeds.  He loved everything--even the tofu was "okay" and he is not a tofu fan. lol

  For dessert, we had the picture at the top of the blog. A dairy free custard made from eggs, coconut milk, vanilla and coconut. I added just the tiniest bit of grated nutmeg...just a hint.  Of course, I then ruined the "dairy free" part by topping it with a little whipped cream, and sprinkled toasted coconut over it.  It was delightful. The texture was perfect.  I would definitely make it again.

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  Interestingly enough, I posted this on Facebook, and my sister made a comment about ..."feed that boy a REAL meal."  I'm sure she thought she was being funny, but it pissed me off so much I deleted the post.  As I deleted the other posts that she and my sister-in-law had posted on my page (all quoting Bible verses and saying stupid stuff) about being gay...something neither of them know anything about.  I did tell her to shut up about something she knows nothing about.  And then I deleted that too. lol  Because I was doing a pretty good job of staying out of the fray, which involved a gay friend of mine and my homophobic relatives. Up to a point.  And then I can not stay silent any longer. And then a couple of my other gay friends joined the circus and  I didn't have to say any more.  lol

 Sigh...I swear. I made a remark to my friend about how slow and tedious evolution is, and we both laughed. She asked how I could have come from a family like that and I had to say,. I don't know. For years I thought I was from somewhere else...that there had been a terrible mistake of some kind or another.  lol  We laughed and she apologized to ME for getting so defensive and I was .."WHAT??"  She had nothing to apologize for, in my opinion. 

  And so goes life in the techno-age...I was laughing about this. For years and years I managed to stay at least 3 or 4 states away from my family.  And often farther. And they couldn't get through my inner circle. Now with computers, no place is safe. They can find you and make you as miserable as you let them. PLUS, I moved back to my point of origin, as I like to call it.  That didn't help...although I live far enough out that they don't bother me much. lol  (And don't get me wrong--some of them I really like!!)  lol

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  It was a beautiful couple of days around these parts. I was reading blogs this morning and saw that some people north of us actually had snow, and I was surprised..  Yesterday was 65 degrees and today was about 50. And sunny and breezy and great.  The forecast for the rest of the week looks like high 40's/low 50's too...so I may have to get out there and plant something. lol

  Tomorrow I am going to lunch with my sister and her daughter. It will be fun, and I'm looking forward to it. There is one small problem...the place we are going has the best ribs around..and I haven't had any meat in a while. I could eat them...or not.  I have to say that I am feeling better eating all these vegetables.  And I was telling the Irishman tonight that, it sounds funny, but now when I get hungry, I am REALLY hungry.  Like maybe there's not so much residual gunk in my intestines or something.  I've been doing better about easting 3 meals a day too, and making sure I eat some kind of breakfast...sometimes and egg sandwich or a peanut butter toast...sometimes an egg and toast or oatmeal.  I feel better, plus I've lost 4 pounds.  That's in about 2 weeks. So...as long as it feels good, I will be doing it.

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  I just looked up and noticed the blog title I put on here. lol  For some reason I have had that nursery rhyme humming around my head all day. Not really a nursery rhyme I guess, is it?   It's a jump rope or a hopscotch song...or some childs game that I remember.  Miss Mary Mack, mack, mack...she wore all black, black, black...with silver buttons, buttons, buttons...all down her back, back, back....

  Engine engine number nine, going down Chicago line....if the train should jump the track, do you want your money back??  My mother told me to pick the very best one.  (pointing at people and choosing for sides).

  Unfortunately, THIS train has jumped the track.  As in ...Alice doesn't live here anymore. Or--the lights are on, but nobody's home.  And--the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.  Or, she's just a french fry short of a Happy Meal.  A few ants shy of a picnic.  

  Tra la la...

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  It's getting close to my new self imposed bedtime. So I shall bid thee adieu.  I watched the PBS showing of the Red White and Blues tonight where my President belted out a couple of lines of Sweet Home Chicago, with Keb Mo, Jeff Beck, Mick Jagger, Gary Clark, Jr., Susan Tedeschi, Wayne Haines, BB King and (I know there were more, but my train has jumped the track.)  It was all a sight to behold...but I must say..(don't stone me) I was puzzled by Mick Jagger being in this lineup.

  On that note--I'm outta here.

  PS--I don't know how I did this (those goofy sections) but I can't undo it...not tonight.  sheesh...

Namaste.

Holidays

 Independence Day weekend. Interesting to look back now, in light of what we [think] we know about things like tyrants and dictators and apartheid and the murder and torture of  citizens around this present day world...and realize how ridiculously giddy we get in this country, celebrating our independence from Britain, for godssakes. I am a bit jaded on all this nationalistic, patriotic stuff, I know.  And it isn't that I don't appreciate a LOT of things about the country of my birth. I guess I'm just a little cranky today. But--I did put the flag out.  lol

 My little town, Bunker Hill, IL  puts on a huge brouhaha  every year for all these kinds of holidays..the 4th of July, Memorial Day, Labor Day. Even as I type, there is a huge parade making its way down the main street--floats and firetrucks and tractors and horse and buggies...Shriners, Boy Scouts and VFWs, children with balloons, politicians hugging babies and dumping loads of propaganda everywhere in the form of flyers and ballcaps and frisbees printed with their names on them.  There will be big doins' all day...baseball and picnics and horseshoe tournaments and it will end with a big fireworks display out at the Reservoir tonight.

  I just finished a batch of granola bars. Rather plain this time, since the Irishman apparently ate all the rest of the dried fruit in his oatmeal this morning. lol.  So, they got oats and peanuts and sunflower kernels and flax seed and sesame seed and raisins.  I need to make bread today too, but am also thinking of a pasta dish for supper with homemade Italian bread.

  Yesterday was my sons 39th birthday. The fam came over for a supper of bbq'd ribs and chicken, potato salad, devilled eggs and a big green salad.  I made a blackberry cobbler with ice cream for dessert, as it's his favorite. It's noon, and I'm still in my jammies.               

  Having a hard time getting going today.  Maybe if I jump up and get dressed I won't feel so blah....Home alone, with the kitties. The pups are all outside and the weather is beautiful again today.  NO reason for being like I am....all mopey and blue. Maybe I need to take a trip out of the neighborhood....I've been staying close to home the past week....

Namaste...

These gotta be somebody else's blues....

The Celtic Tree of Life

 This is the Celtic Tree of Life.  I have always loved these kinds of pictures, and especially love the fact that I  can now fritter away half my life on Google researching things like kitchen altars and Brighid, goddess of the hearth and home. It was a lovely way to spend about 2 hours...I'm having a time of getting this page to lay out the way I want it to. The type keeps moving to the top of the page, above the picture. Arrggghhhh...AND--it's all in blue, and underlined.  Who knows. I'll just finish out this post and then edit it all, I guess.  Well-that was weird. The link button was pushed.  Never mind...it still is moving the type. sigh..

I have been having a strange 24 hours...alternately melancholy and sad and then okay.  Last night I was sitting here and my knee was hurting so bad I was crying. I am so tired of the chronic pain in my life that I could scream. This stupid knee is just the last straw.  I never thought my life would be like this...I have always been so active--camping and hiking and doing crazy fun things all the time. Now I am middle aged and in such bad shape I can barely recognize myself. Who is this old woman...hair all grey and skin so wrinkled?  The one who groans when she gets up or sits down? The one who always has to sit on the sidelines, watching everyone else do all the things I love?  The one who is so overweight that her clothes don't fit and her breathing is affected and her knees and ankles can barely do their job? And I search for solutions and know that there isn't much that's in my power to change. I will never be the same as I was. I cannot undo that fateful afternoon , when I was knocked off my bearings and tilted all topsy turvey into a completely different dimension than I was used to.  I didn't guess, that day, as they wheeled me into the ambulance, that my life would be forever and irrevocably changed.

I try to live in the present.  I try to be grateful for my life every day for whatever small thing I can think of, whatever big thing there is. I have routines instituted in my life that keep me upright, save me from being housebound,  and generally help me find the joy in living. But every now and then,. I go through the stages of grief, mourning the life I used to have, before an 80,000 pound side lift fork machine caused the Ubiquitous Event that crippled me.  I guess that's all this is...I feel worn down and worn out and I want to stomp my feet and cry and scream out that it's not fair. That this shouldn't have happened to me.

I know there are millions of people out there who have it a lot worse than I do.  I am not terminally ill, looking at the short life left for me. I am in possession of all 4 limbs. I can walk, even if it is with a lopsided gait and very slow. I am sober today, no matter what. But I am just in one of those little funks. It shifted today when I made a bowl of popcorn and took my book and sat out on the chaise lounge in the sunshine.  It was warm and the sun felt good on my face. The birds were singing and it lifted my spirits. And then it took everything I could muster to get back up and out of that damn chair, and I nearly lost it.

Forgive me this bout of self pity. This whining diary of a day in the life of Queen baby. I hurt and I'm angry and I mostly am incredibly sad at the way my life has turned out after all.

  And tomorrow will be a new day. I have plans to meet a newcomer in the morning and talk about the solution to a "seemingly hopeless state of mind and body".  And there is a solution, and I know there is, just like I know there is light at the end of the tunnel and a silver lining behind every cloud.  Just like I know that there is a grand cosmic plan to all my life, and that some things had to happen for other things to happen, and to be able to see all the dominoes fall perfectly into place.  In the end,  the good still outweighs the bad, and I am no longer ruled by feelings of uselessness and self pity.

At least, not for very long....

Time for bed. I will surely feel better in the morning, when I awaken to the songs of the wildbirds that are all coming back, heralding the advent of spring. I will leave you with a poem by John O'Donohue:

Beannacht

On the day when 

the weight deadens

on your shoulders

and you stumble,

may the clay dance to balance you.

And when your eyes 

freeze behind

the grey window

and the ghost of loss

gets in to you, 

may a flock of colors

indigo, red,green

and azure blue

come to awaken in you

 a meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays

in the curach of thought

and a stain of ocean

blackens beneath you,

may there come across the waters

a path of yellow moonlight

to bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,

may the clarity of light be yours,

may the fluency of the ocean be yours,

may the protection of the ancestors be yours.

And so may a slow

wind work these words

of love around you,

an invisible cloak

to mind your life.

Namaste.

.