Welcoming in the first week of the new year with a veritable blizzard. We got 5 inches of snow in about 4 hours, lol It's breathtakingly beautiful, as is the nature of snow. Thankfully, I don't have to leave Honeysuckle Hill for anything, so it can snow all it wants. This is a picture of my son loading some big chunks of hardwood into the back of his pickup to help with driving. He went into town and came back and said, OMG, don't even THINK about it mom. I just laughed...seems the highways are as bad as our little back road here. La dee da...I'm making a pot of vegetable beef soup with a small chunk of arm roast I had in the freezer, will make some home made yeast rolls to go with. Hot tea, hot cocoa, hot coffee...got everything I need here...
It was pretty cold this morning and promising to be even colder tomorrow, with a high of 5. YOWSA!! Those are Mama Pea temps, not mine ! lol It has climbed from 14 to 21...with the help of that dazzling sun out there.
We had a good time New Years Eve...took the little trip up to Decatur and had some great food and met some new people and got to speak in front of about 200 people. (That part was a little daunting at first). lol We stayed up until about 1 and then slept fitfully in the motel (it's just never as good as your own bed). We went for a late breakfast (about 10 AM) and then toodled around looking at the historic architecture in this town and then headed home. Got here about 1, and was thinking about a New Years Day movie, but wound up just staying home instead. It's all good. Grilled some porterhouse steaks for supper, with a side of some leftover basmati rice with some almonds and basil in it, and of course a dish of black eyed peas and greens for luck. This year I took a hint from Mary Moon and cooked the greens in some tomato sauce and they were really good. In fact, leftovers is what I'm having for lunch as soon as I finish this post! (How lucky is THAT ???) lol
I should be cleaning house, but it's tough to get motivated. lol All the critters are in the house, which makes running the vacuum a mean thing to do, since they all think I'm trying to murder them with it. I'll probably just straighten up a little, sweep up some and call it good enough. Still on the fence about taking down the Xmas decos before my birthday, which is Monday. No big deal...we'll just see what happens. Being housebound for a couple of days COULD change everything. lol
So, did you make any New Years Resolutions ? I didn't really, but sort of. lol I did resolve to become more mindful about money and to institute a savings plan of some sort. There's a 52 week Money Challenge making the rounds of Facebook, and I'm going to use that plan, only in reverse. It starts with saving 1 dollar the first week, 2 dollars the second week, etc. By the last week of the year, you have put in 52 dollars for that week, and saved $1378.00 It seems to me that the last part of the year is the hardest part, so since we have 3 paydays 3 weeks in a row in January, I am going to start with the $52.00 the first week, and work it backwards. That way I am having to put in less and less as the holidays approach and I think it will be easier to stay on track. This might not seem to be much to some, but our finances are very limited, so...it will be a big deal for us.
My other resolution is to become more mindful of attraction and manifestation of the things that are important to me in my life. To stay more positive, to be aware of the way I am looking at things and my expectations. That's about enough for one year. lol I will be getting back on the Fast Metabolism Diet on Monday, but that's just an ongoing thing, not really anything new for the New Year, so I'm not counting it. lol
I hope everyone had a safe and happy New Year, and that you will join me in wishing the world a little more Peace, a little more Kindness and a lot more Love. This might just be the greatest year, ever.
Namaste.
And I'm telling you...it is COLD out there. A frigid 26 degrees with wind howling like crazy.
These are the kind of days when our ancestors huddled up in the back of the cave with the fires burning hot, hoping they could survive yet another winter. The kind of days where people like me curse having to go out and check on the chickens that they love. The kind where you thank God you have gas for your heat and a roof over your head. It's grey and dreary and cold as a well diggers...well--you know. And because we keep our heat around 68 degrees, sometimes I'm wearing long johns for days at a time.
I seem to be getting colder easier these days. I know somedays the weather really affects my joints and I feel old man winter in my bones. Those days I feel my age and then some. We just had 2 days in the mid fifties, and that doesn't help either. Seesawing, zigzagging temperatures mess up my internal thermostat. The contrast between yesterdays sunny beautiful 56 day and today are enough to throw a body into a tailspin.
I opened a jar of turkey and broth, threw in a couple of handfuls of egg noodles, added some dried onions, carrots, celery and peas and made a casserole for lunch. It was good old fashioned comfort food, no doubt about it. Hit the spot. The Irishman is taking the dogs out to the reservoir for a run...first one and then the other. He always takes Bella first (the youngest) because when he doesn't she sits here and howls and drives me crazy. Molly just gets bewildered, because she knows SHE'S the Irishman's favorite. lol When he brings Bella back and takes Molly, Bella is a pain in the butt because she always wants to go, even if she just came back, but at least you can tell her to be quiet and she will. But she'll sit here and squeal and squeak until they return. Which is also annoying, but not nearly as hard to take as the howling. lol
The chickens are seriously indignant about this change in weather. I need to go look through my produce drawer and see if there are some errant greens I can take out to them. Or maybe I'll cook them some oatmeal--they always like that. I went out to check for eggs (yes-they're laying again, thank goodness) and they all hustled up to the fence clucking angrily. It's not me they're angry at, I know. But they left the warm shelter of their coop to see what I was bringing out to them, and I had nothing in my hands. (I'll be back in a minute--I'm going to cook some oatmeal for them).
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As usual...life gt in the middle there. The Irishman got home with the last dog when i was getting ready to take the oaties out to the chooks. He was ready for popcorn and a movie,so we watched the remake of Total Recall with Colin Farrell. The after that, we watched Signs (Mel Gibson) and had supper..a light one, of lunch leftovers. Now himself is off to bed and I am back at the computer.
The chooks were delighted with the oaties, I went inside the run and put them on the ground behind the windbreak. It was cold all day...never getting above 26 and tonight is heading for 10. I'm sure having something warm in their bellies was a treat.
Had a long long phone call with a friend this morning, and it really made me feel better. We talked and talked about so many things and feelings and astral events going on. (She's very knowledgeable about all that.) She soothed my battered spirit...and that's what friends do, isn't it? And we talked about things that I know, but needed to reminded about. And we empathized with one another about our age and about life and about how much things are changing on the planet. It was just awesome.
Well...it's evening and the cold is setting in and the animals are all in and sleeping about. I guess maybe I'll call it a night soon myself. There's so much flu and sickness going around in these parts that I need to make sure my immune system is fully functioning and I get enough rest. I've been not going to bed the past week or so until after 1 AM...and that's just too late. 11:30 is about best. I talked with my SIL with the brain cancer today, and she is finishing up a week of chemo and feels pretty awful...she rarely complains and sometimes I look at her and I think YOU have nothing to complain about, missy. We talked a bit and laughed a lot and I told her to go back to bed if that's what she felt like. I hope she did. We are all going out for my nephew's and my birthday next Sunday...and his wife and daughters birthdays too. We're all around the same time--his and mine are the same day. I think his daughter is the day before and his wife is the day after. Or vice versa. So, that will be fun...we're going to meet at Cracker Barrel at noon.
Still haven't put away my Xmas decos. Probably won't until after my birthday next Monday. Then it'll be time for a massive clean-up.
(Who am I kidding? It'll be a wonder if I can even get just the decos put away!!!!)
Love your life. Enjoy the prosperity.
Namaste.
So, it's mostly over. Gifts exchanged, food eaten, messes cleaned up. It was a bit of a thin gift giving around here this year, but that's okay. We had a friend over on Christmas Eve for supper, and then today we ate leftovers, and easy food, and watched movies. We did NOT watch A Christmas Story or The Grinch or It's A Wonderful Life. (We have those movies, and we usually watch them, but not today. lol) I'm not sure where the day went, but now it's late and everyone except me is sleeping.
And I'm a little melancholy...thinking about things that I can't change or do anything about. I feel like a silly old woman. I didn't hear from a one of my siblings today. I didn't call them either. So, as much my fault as theirs I guess. They all have kids and grandkids and all that goes with that, and a couple of them have big extended families as well. I didn't want to barge in on any of that. So, instead I'll just sit here and feel sorry for myself. lol And I've really had a pretty good day. I'm tired and sore from all the cooking I did yesterday. But the food was good and I didn't kill myself cleaning or anything ! lol I made a pretty rustic meal and my guest thought it was rather gourmet. So that is always a good thing.
It is such a stressful time of year for so many people. Not for me so much...because I just don't get all up in it like some people do. A friend of mine's mother died last night. That will probably color her holidays forever. Anothers child got really sick today and she was frantic. Yet another had to race her mother to the hos[pital Christmas morning with a stroke. I have a habit of getting a little sad at Christmas...a habit born of all the years I didn't have my son when he was small. When I was still drinking, I would just stay drunk until it was all over. Once I sobered up, everything changed. I finally got him back when he was almost 16, but by then the habit was ingrained in me. Call it regrets, fears, cell memory... even now it affects me. It's not horrible or debilitating. It's just a sadness that washes over me, usually mild. It wasn't even happening this year until tonight, when everyone was asleep and everything was done. Probably because I'm tired.
At any rate...tomorrow will come soon enough. I have to take the insulated bibs back that I bought for the Irishman and exchange them for the next size up. They're just a tad too snug. They go over the top of his work clothes. Hopefully they will have some still...and have the size I need. My son was thrilled with the granola bars I made for him and put in a Xmas tin. We also gave him a couple of pairs of heavy boot socks, some house slippers, a dvd and a book of wild mushrooms in Illinois. I "owe" him a batch of granola too. I just didn't get that made. The Irishman got a pair of slippers, the bibs, a dvd (Where The Wild Things Are) and a new nice leather wallet. I got some perfume, 2 dvds (Contagion and Water For Elephants), a sweater from my inlaws and a sweater from my husband. Oh, and a cooks scraper...I don't know what to call it...the straight edge metal scraper that you can chop with or cut dough. I've wanted one, but just never got it for myself. I always can make do with something else. lol We had a nice breakfast of ham and eggs and I made a batch of cranberry/blueberry/almond muffins. It was a nice morning. And it was all downhill from there. I roasted a small turkey breast and put the small piece of ham in the oven too. Around 2:30 , I sliced that stuff up, put out some cheese and crackers and small slices of leftover multigrain baguette from the night before, got out the platter of pickled stuff from last night too, and we feasted while watching a movie. Just pretty much grazed the rest of the day. lol I offered to reheat some french onion soup from last night, but nobody was interested.
All in all...a good Christmas.
Hope your was the same.
(I didn't get this finished last night after all...lol. But here it is)
Namaste.
It snowed for about a nanosecond this morning. Mostly it is cold and raining and looking to get down to 17 degrees this evening. That will certainly change the game.
There's a strange phenomenon out there...it started yesterday and is continuing into today. The roads are not iced. The decks are not icy. But ALL the treetops are like filigreed lace, and even the little maple in my front yard has iced branches...from the middle up. Today's high is forecast to be about 32, so it certainly feels like winter. Tomorrow's high: 21. With a low of 3. Yikes.
The hens have presented me with 5 beautiful eggs today. They have finally started laying again, and we have eggs...if we can get them before they get pecked and eaten. A couple of the hens are all broody, which is what saves us, because once they get an egg or 2 under them, they refuse to budge. And so, save them for me. Yippee.For the first time in a long time, I have over a dozen of my own eggs in my fridge.
Last night we attended the annual Solstice Celebration at La Vista, and as usual it was wonderful. Great people, great snacks and hot drinks, great program. The 2 young girls that turn the sun staff every winter are growing up before my very eyes. We have been coming to these for about 8 years, and they have been doing it for 10. The older one is a freshman in college now!
Evening time now. And frigid cold. We went to the 2 o'clock matinee to see The Hobbit so we would be out while it was still light in case the roads got bad. Arrived home around dark, and everything was fine...except that my car wouldn't start so we had to take the Irishman's truck. Anyway, got back here and marveled at the beauty of the ice laden tree branches and bushes. Made a nice supper and ate and then watched the first disc of the Season 1 of The Newsroom. Even when we did have tv, we didn't have HBO (ever). So this is delightful. Thanks, Netflix. BTW, The Hobbit was great, Peter Jackson once again did a great job.
I finished up making and sending out Christmas Cards this morning. At least, I think I did. lol We'll see how many more trickle on through. I can't believe it's only 3 days til Xmas. We have a friend coming over for a Christmas Eve supper, so I will be cleaning house all day tomorrow and then cooking all ay Tuesday. All my gifts are wrapped, although I do still have a basket left to make up and deliver. I've done all I can or want to do as far as gifts are concerned. I'm sure that by Tuesday night, I'm going to be ready for a couple of days of down-time. So I'll be trying to get everything tidied up (it's kind of a mess right now...) and caught up and cooked up and ready set go. lol Haven't really thought about what I'll be doing for Xmas Day food...some leftovers, I suspect. For supper Tuesday, I'm roasting Cornish Game Hens and serving them on a wild rice and mushroom mixture. I'm going to make a sweet potato dish (because we have lots) and a nice green salad and perhaps a cranberry orange salad. and a dessert of some kind. Creme Brulee, perhaps. I'll make an antipasto plate with pickled vegetables and cheeses and crackers. I will make a seafood chowder to start off the meal and have enough leftovers for Xmas day, hopefully, so I won't have to do a lot of cooking. Might make something like a dish of scalloped potatoes with ham, and then just gorge on all that dairy. lol I was also thinking about maybe a French Onion Soup instead of the chowder...keep it more of a peasant meal and not get too fancy. Just real down to earth food. Hmmm... Oh well. I'll just make it up as I go--that's what I always do anyway. lol
Okay--it's getting late and I'm ready for some sleep.
I hope you are all listening for the blessings in the silence of these long nights and short days...and have a Merry Christmas, each and every one.
Namaste.
And I am...lazy. Contentedly so...putzing around not doing much of anything and little bits of everything. Winter. Hearing about all my pals who are so excited to be coming up on breaks from their jobs and school and all...and I am [jokingly] bummed that I don't get a break too. Bad news: when you are retired, there's no such thing as a vacation or holiday break. lol
Woohoo--UPS just pulled up. Wow. They never get here before 5 PM when I have ordered stuff. It's another Christmas miracle. lol I ordered some stuff for my brother-and sister-in laws. And my son. Not a lot of stuff...just a few odds and ends. Books, dvds, cds. Oh. It was only one of the dvds. That's weird. lol The rest will come later today. I did notice when I looked at my order tracker that they had sent one dvd separately for some reason. Oh well...
I have been doing nothing but cruising around the old world wide web this morning...haven't even eaten breakfast yet. I'm going to run into town and buy some gas treatment for my car and some bacon from my little market. Maybe getting out and moving around will get me going. lol I have some major errands (not really) to run that I can just do here in town, but tonight I have to go down into the city anyway and pick up a couple of women and take them to a meeting, so I'll just go a little early and do those first. I might run to another little town about 12 miles from here and see if they have those duck bib overalls for the Irishman. They were in their sale paper for about 20 dollars off, so it would be a good time to get him a new pair. Even then, they're still 50 bucks. It will be his main gift. He needs a new pair, so...I already got him a nice leather wallet and a dvd he's been wanting,. and that's really about all the shopping we do. Something to wear, something to read, something he wants and something he needs. Boom. lol
Need to do some housekeeping. Need to get that little bathroom painted. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tonight. Who knows. Nothing critical.
see? This is my problem. When I weigh the importance of anything I have to do, it comes down to...critical ? No ? Back to lazy. lol
I'm telling myself, it's the holidaze. It's the weather. It's the season of short daylight. It's my delicate sensibilities. lol Nah..just lazy. Eating too much sugar (after being of it for 5 months). Eating too much fatty stuff (butter). Drinking too much caffeine. Well...Jan 1st (or so,) I shall get back on track, but I'm not fooling myself that it's going to happen until Christmas and New Years are over. So, I'll just enjoy the ride for now.
Yesterday I made caramel popcorn and peanuts. And a big batch of granola. I was going to make some things today, but lazy kicked in and I didn't. And now it's lunchtime and too late to start anything. I stayed up too late last night, chatting with a friend I haven't seen in a while. So, I slept a little later than usual and have been about 4 steps behind ever since. Behind what? you might ask. Aren't you retired?? LOL My self imposed schedules, my darling son tells me, are ridiculous. And I should be slowing down a little and enjoying life. If only he knew. I do, I DO enjoy my life. I love the householding. I love the animal husbandry. I love the gardening and canning and cooking. And nothing gets in the way of my doing all that stuff anymore. No job, no timeclock, no boss. Lucky, lucky me.
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A few hours later and I am back from a run to town for bacon and gas treatment for me little acting up car. And since I was out, went ahead and drove down and got the insulated bibs for the Irishman's Christmas. A little misunderstanding, and the bibs that I thought were going to cost 49.99 were 89.99 and I nearly swallowed my tongue. After some debate with the manager, she knocked another chunk of money off them and we were both happy. They are better quality than the others, a notch up. And regularly 89 and I got them for 60. WooHoo.
I cooked up some bacon and the son and I had sandwiches and talked of ancient civilizations. I got the ribs started for supper and got the kitchen all cleaned up. I'm rearranging my schedule for today and will not be leaving here until after 6 instead of 4. I don't have to do all that stuff today...tomorrow is open too, after lunch with the girls for a little impromptu Christmas party, if I even go. I'll see how I feel tomorrow. We have another weather front coming in, this one promising floods and tons of rain (which will melt the remaining snow). It's supposed to start raining around 8 tonight. We'll see. I can handle rain...
The bibs are all wrapped and pretty under the little tree. That table is kinda loaded with stuff already, although a couple of them will be shipped off tomorrow. That is assuming the rest of the Amazon order comes today like it is supposed to. And that I get them all wrapped and ready. I am going to ship all the Minnesota/Wisconsin stuff off together to one sister and let her distribute them. That will save me a lot of shipping and postal grief.
Okay...I might go take a nice leisurely bath. Light some candles, soak in some Epsom Salts and lavender oils. I'm pretty achy from all this crazy weather and that just sounds like a good idea. Even if it is only 3 o'clock in the afternoon. Ooooo...decadence....
Happy Thursday, y'all. Enjoy every last second of it.
Namaste.
It came, it snowed, it conquered.
We got about 6-7 inches all together. Enough to slow things WAY down for a day or two. Nice. And it was really beautiful. When I'm in the middle of dreading snow and ice, I forget about it's magical beauty. And the stillness...wow. Must be the insulating factor of the snow combined with the way it stops the world for a bit. At any rate , it's magnificent.
And it's been on a steady warm up ever since. Slowly but surely. Today is supposed to hit 40 and by Thursday it's supposed to be in the low 50's. Crazy. Then it will begin to slide back down into real winter temps again.
My son is bringing my new (to me) gas stove in right now. It's been in the garage where he's been cleaning it up and stuff. After it warms up, he'll pull the old one out, put this one in and we'll all pray that the oven works. No way to know until it's all hooked up to the gas. And--it's got that same damn electric igniter on it. Why oh why do they make those?? I just hope that you can still light the burners with a match. Otherwise you might as well have an electric stove in a power outage. It's an older Frigidaire. This is a great Xmas present to me.
My chickens have started laying again (thank you, Jesus). I have almost a dozen eggs in there from the past 4 days. They started laying just in time for me to have to tramp through snow up to my knees to gather them. Go figure...lol But still, I am grateful. I have had to buy eggs from some neighbors and they aren't nearly as beautiful as my own eggs. Still better than store bought, but my eggs are deliciously orange yolked little orbs of beauty. (Okay, so I'm prejudiced). lol
I am having a hard time getting myself motivated this morning. I need to clean my aquarium, it's a holy mess. This time of the year, when the sun changes angles, it gets a terrible overgrowth of algae and requires more maintenance. This hobby has turned into a job. lol (I say this every year). I have enough time to at least get the aquarium cleaned before I have to leave, if I could just quit stalling. lol Winter makes me tired. And lazy.
That said...back to the holidays with all their decorating and cooking and baking. I need to stop and pick up some honey today on my way out of town, as I'm almost out. I get it from a little country store right here about a mile from my house. I buy it by the half gallon, and that works out pretty good for me. PLUS--I have these great half gallon sized jars for pantry storage. I have to make granola and granola bars--2 batches each. One batch if for my son for Xmas presents, which, along with a book on edible wild mushrooms of Illinois, is what he's getting from us. The other batch is for the Irishman's breakfast and lunch. Both recipes use honey.
I made a batch of Martha Stewart's Old Fashioned Lemon Sugar Cookies the other day and they are really good. I might bake a couple of more times, especially if I have a full sized oven to do it in. I really hate baking cookies...so maybe only one batch of cookies and some bars.
Put up a few more decos around the house a few days ago.
And so it is upon us...and soon it will be the year's end and we will be ringing in the new and I will be celebrating my birthday a few days after that. And then it's on to the doldrums of the midwinters. And the thing that will save me is that the seed catalogs are already starting to arrive. Well, one anyway, the beautiful Baker Creek Heirloom Seeds which is a work of art and a pleasure to behold.
Well, my son just brought in some 5 gallon buckets so now I have no reason to not get off my lazy duff and filter that aquarium. Sigh....
Wishing you all a happy Full Moon.
Namaste.
Yes, the Gifting Stag has a shiny bright new baby. Found him at the Goodwill last week. lol
Other than that, no news at Honeysuckle Hill. At least not about babies. That ship has sailed, baby!
On a bright note, the Irishman appears to have survived the plague and is actually OUT OF MY HOUSE this morning and hopefully (if he doesn't relapse again) this afternoon. I love that man, but a whole week of him sick and under my feet has been rough. At one point I thought about putting a pillow over his face while he slept...just, you know, so he wouldn't have to keep suffering like this. Good lord. If I have to hear one more word out of him about pooping or cramps or his stomach gurgling- I will kill him dead.
Marriage. A nice Sunday post about marriage I think may be in order. Just to remind myself that I don't really want to hold his head under the water until the bubbles stop. To remind myself that there are lots of good things to be said for being married to man like him. If that's what you have to do. Although I must admit...I have been having lots of dreams about being in a women's army and being married to a woman lately. And it all seems really peaceful. (Well...not the army part). But still...
Rereading this, I sound a little crazy. But I'm not going to delete and rewrite it, because I am a little crazy, after all. And I am gender diversified. And I have a theory that maybe we all are, to some extent. But that's another story.
In my dreams, I have been recently released from the women's army, and one of the retirement benefits is that they provide you with monthly rations of food. The catch is that you have to find it, and then figure out which part of it is yours. It was exhausting. The storage containers looked like big trash dumpsters. They were scattered all over at the edges of towns and in the woods. (Doesn't this sound like the Hunger Games? lol) The food inside (hams, turkeys, etc.) all had codes on them saying who they belonged to. I was a good code breaker, so it was easy enough to figure out mine, but the other women trying to figure out theirs kept asking for my help. Of course I had to help them. It was part of the women's army code. I was later rewarded for being so helpful. LOL
It's a wonder they don't lock me up, isn't it? And last night a young girl posted on my FB page that I was a "wonderful woman" or something like that, and I thought--no. No I'm not... Why are we like that? So quick to dismiss kind words and compliments. So guilty for all the nasty thoughts I harbor sometimes, all the pissy feelings I have about people now and then. All my selfishness and gluttony and oh hell--the list just goes on and on. But for some reason, there are some people who like me. lol
Okay. Marriage. I heard someone say once that they had a good solid 50-50 marriage. I had to laugh. I think it's more like 110-110 most of the time. Living with another human being day in and day out can be trying. It's about picking your battles. And not sweating the small stuff. And compromise EVERY SINGLE DAY OF YOUR LIFE. If you're lucky (like I am) you find someone who is the least objectionable person there is. And I'm sure there are a lot of them. (Why they get involved with ME is another matter). If you're lucky, you have lots of things in common. Interests and values and ideas. For instance, any man (or woman) who is married to me had better be a serious reader. Had better have a sense of justice. Had better not be worried about getting chicken (or dog or cat or bird) poop on his shoes. Just sayin'... And really had better be able to laugh and make me laugh.
Even with all this, it can be hard sometimes. We live in a world where serial monogamy is the norm. It's as easy to get unmarried as it to get married. The world is getting smaller and smaller and it isn't like it used to be, where you looked around you and no matter how small the spousal pool, your choices were limited to what there was. Today you can pursue resumes in online dating sites. You can see and know almost everything there is to know about someone in about 15 minutes. You can weigh the pros and cons. Not like when I was young, and you had to keep going to bar after bar looking for Mr. Right. lol (kidding--I actually met this guy in AA)... lmao You can meet people online from halfway around the world. The possibilities are limitless.
There's only one problem. Human nature. And I don't care how much you read about someone, you will never know them until you live with them a little bit. And maybe you luck out and you're compatible...and maybe you're not. Shake it off and start over again. And again and again and again, sometimes.
When my innocent young grandmother got married in her mid teens, she had no idea what she was in for. And once in, never out. So she lived a life of hard work and misery and found happiness where she could. And just kept on keeping on. And died when she was 60. MY mother, who didn't know she wasn't the marrying type, married a nice guy and got pregnant every time she rolled over into him and hated her life and couldn't figure out what to do for a long time. And when she did decide to take action, took all the wrong actions and wound up dead of cirrhosis of the liver at age 55.
You can understand my reticence. And, like cats who are always drawn like magnets to the people who don't want them around them...men love me. And want to marry me. And unfortunately for me, there has never been a shortage of men in my life or marriage proposals or promises of a Wonderful Life of Bliss. So anytime I was vulnerable (or drunk) one of them would propose and I would say yes and...there I'd be. Okay-that's not entirely true. I haven't been married as many times as ,say, Elizabeth Taylor. But certainly more than once. Or twice.
But I digress...I used to be really embarrassed by all this. And the older I got the more I heard this same story from people who made a life path of getting married and divorced. Searching, And although it still makes me uncomfortable, I do realize that I'm not the only one in the world that has spent a great deal of time searching for that partner that would be the ONE, and making a lot of mistakes along the way. Still--I just said to myself, aloud--there's no way in hell I'm going to publish this posting. LOL
So...I have married and divorced and moved and lived all around the country...always looking for ...something. Contentment. With a healthy dose of self respect. And a lot of forgiveness along the way for all the stupid things I do. And security (although I don't know if you ever really have that in this world). And a feeling of usefulness. And, well..love. I'm not so jaded that I don't want to be loved. But I have had love. I have love now. And today love is a myriad of experiences and actions and thoughts and deeds. It's not riding off into the sunset on the back of a horse with Prince Charming. It's more like somebody holding my hair back when I'm vomiting or cleaning up after me or helping me grow, and understand myself better.
It's getting a glimpse of myself through someone else's eyes now and then, and feeling beautiful. Because that person sees the real me. The inside me. The one I have finally let that one person get close enough to really know. That me that is only me because of the helping hand I have gotten for the past 21 years...a hand in learning about me, why I am the way I am, a hand to pull me up out of the darkness now and then. The history we have after 21 years of this. A hand to quietly lay on my arm while we are on the couch reading on a cold winters night, silence and comfortableness settling on us like a heavy quilt, woven around our life like a tapestry that tells a story whose ending I would never have guessed.
I think he'll live another day.
Namaste.
