Tuesday, March 31, 2009
It was one of those days when you are grateful to be sober.
A day when more than once, I found myself staying in the moment and being mindful of the things and events around me. Savoring. What a rich and delightful experience it is to live this way. If I could figure out (or remember?) how to do this more often, it would indeed be a wondrous thing.
I have been thinking about how much I learn from nature. From the trees and the flowers and from the critters all around me. From the unconditional love I have from my pets to the learning to bend in the wind from the willows. From the rebirth of the world every spring, to the quiet rest of winter. In class last night, we were discussing (among other things) the way some people seem to take a personal affront to the weather every day. Like it's a contest of wills...or a punishment. I have a hard time seeing things in a black and white way anymore. I'm not so sure there's really good and bad...maybe it's all just experiences that we get to learn something from. It is what it is. I guess that sounds incredibly simplistic and naive to some, but it's how I view my world. I have very few unpleasant experiences in my life and I'm sure it's because of the my perspective. Always something to learn...what to do, or what NOT to do. Always 2 sides to every coin. It leaves lots of room for speculation, I guess.
All I know is that I might be one of the happier people I know. My worldview has been shaped and polished by my experiences on the planet so far. So many ways to look at things, and so little time. lol
I'm off to bed. Getting up early to keep the car. Have a date with a bunch of drunks at noon and then off to pick up about a hundred "hens and chicks" the succulent plants and 5 Rhubarb plants. Gotta love Craig's List !!!!
Blessed to be feeling the serenity of my humble little abode today. Blessed to have had a great conversation with my Creator this morning and the feelings of peace that came as a result of it. Blessed, especially, to be here now and having the wherewithal to be grateful for it all.
Sleep well, bloggers....
Saturday, March 28, 2009
It's been cold and blustery all day. Grandson is here for the weekend, going home tomorrow. Since it was a rainy cold day, we decided to go to the movies to see Monsters VS Aliens. The matinee prices in Litchfield are only 3.50 apiece, and afterwards we went to the Ponderosa for the lunch buffet. We had a good time and it was a fun movie. Then we came home and putzed around for the evening, until right about 9 PM, when the power went out. Then we lit candles and made hot chocolate and played some neverending hands of UNO. It was the lesser of 2 evils....his other choice was Monopoly. Arrgghhh......
Tonight was the Earth Hour, when lots of people turned off their lights for an hour from 8:30-9:30 PM. Wonder how that went? Our power went out all by itself. lol
In the morning we are taking Junior home and then hitting the 10 o'clock meeting. We m,ay be stopping by to pick up a newcomer, but she didn't call today, so ??? We'll see. I didn't go to the meeting I usually attend on Saturday mornings, since Tristan was here. But I was at one on Thursday, and then on Tuesday before that. I might just stay sober....
Mommie Katt and all the babies are asleep by the loveseat. They are so adorable, and are climbing and running and just too sweet. One of them climbs up my pantleg and onto my chest any time I am, sitting down. Then he/she snuggles all up under my chin and puts the little paws on my face. Awwww..... (I am such a sucker.)
Just learned that someone I know has decided to go the Marijuana Maintenance route. Jesus....do we never learn ? I want to just smack her. I have to speak my piece about this...I have seen so many people start like this and wind up dead. So many. You just can't do it. It's not the way this thing works, and that's all there is to it. I want to scream at her--"Quit fu(*%%ng around before you wind up on a slab....." Of all the people I know, who SHOULD know this thing is life and death for us...she's the one. It breaks my heart, that's all. I have watched way too many people die in the almost 19 years I have been here. I take this shit personally....
I need to hit the hay. 7:30 is gonna come mighty early and it's 1 AM now.
I'm blessed to know people who convinced me that I could be sober if I would put down all the crutches and stop looking for loopholes. I'm grateful that I believed them.
I'm blessed to have gotten here face down in the dirt.
I'm grateful for every shot, every drug, every man, everything I ever did...that brought me here.
I'm blessed that God watches out for fools and drunks, because I have been and still sometimes am--BOTH.
I'm grateful that I survived my life to get sober, even if my mom and dad never got to see it.
I'm blessed to have a husband and many friends that are sober and understand me...no matter how ridiculous I get.
I am grateful to have a spirit that sometimes sings....
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Today was one of those days...gratitude everywhere I look. It started early this morning, listening to my neighbors across the pond fighting and screaming at one another. In all fairness to them, it's difficult to tell by their yelling if they're always fighting or not. It seems to be the way they communicate. But it sure sounded like something I'd just as soon avoid in my own life. He has lost his job of 25 years and they are scared, I know. And they are cutting down every other tree on their property, it seems like. I want to go over and take away their power tools....today they took out a snag that is home to many woodpeckers and other birds. The snag wasn't hurting anybody...husband says the result here is going to be more erosion along the banks of the pond and loss of wildlife habitat. One more example of how man never stops to consider nature...it makes me sad.
I was thinking...how blessed am I to not have that kind of husband ? One who rages and yells and is angry all the time... instead, I have been blessed with this big gentle teddy bear of a guy. One who loves nature and reads poetry to me on picnics, and holds my hand when we are out together. One whose very spirit is about love, most of the time. I don't mean to imply that he is perfect, but he is sure a gift in my life. And he has a big heart and a willing hand to anyone needing help.
Then I had another sponsling come out this morning and we did some 1st step work and chatted and drank coffee. I was blessed. Tonight at the womens meeting we had 6 women with less than 3 months sobriety. The sharing was great and I felt that recovery was alive and well in this little corner of the world. I picked up a newcomer to carry to the meeting, and she has damaged herself to such an extent that I wonder if she can ever fully recover. But I have to have hope that it can happen. More importantly, I have to convince her that it is possible. To offer her all the hope I can m,uster. Even though she has an impressive record of relapse activity, I think this time she might be desperate enough to get this. And I realize all over again, just how blessed I am to have the gift of sobriety. To not have to fight these demons and these obsessions any more. To feel grateful that I can remember how it felt, and to be able to offer someone the truth of my experiences. Feels like holding out a rope to someone caught in quicksand.
The satellite computer is working like a charm. Only once have I experienced any kind of slowness, and that was while it was raining and the cloud cover was very thick. Otherwise....EUREKA !!!!!! lol
Time for me to go to bed. Big day tomorrow, lots to do, and then getting my grandson. Yippee!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
The caption to this cartoon is "Dancing on thin ice"....lol
I was blessed to be in a meeting today where there was the gamut of life in recovery. A picture of humility. A surly long timer. Several scared shitless newcomers. 2 supposedly sobers that smelled like booze. A biker. A soccer mom. A chronic relapser. An art professor. A used car salesman. An arrogant and unconvinced factory worker, sent here by EAP. An angry person. And me, who laughed too much and said too much and made a couple of people mad and a couple of people happy. All in all, a good use of my time. I always said, I'd rather give a resentment than get a resentment, any day! lol
I was especially blessed to be in a room with all of the examples of drunkeness and recovery, each teaching me some important and valuable stuff. I want to live a life where everyone I meet teaches me something. What TO do, what NOT to do...something. And I feel rooted in my own recovery. I feel an unending gratitude for the old timers in my first homegroup (that place where I learned that you have to crawl before you walk, that time takes time, that I will never be perfect, so I may as well get over THAT. Where I learned that there is nothing so bad in my sober life, that a drink will make better. Where I learned that relapse is NOT a necessary part of recovery).
I looked around that room at all those blessed folks who may never get what I have. The odds for us are not particularly good... I look at my own family...generations of people who drank until they died, because they never got the gift of sobriety. I think of my own child, my precious baby boy...of his struggles and his triumphs and the miracle that he is today at 9 years sober. I think of The Universe, conspiring to give us the lives we want, if we can only get open and willing to get out of the way.
And I think of kittens, and daffodils and the blooming quince trees at the end of my driveway. And the bright yellow forsythias, whose branches are dotted with the brilliant red of cardinals, swaying, swaying in the breeze.
And all is right with the world, for now. For me.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
I am connected, baby..... LOL A very nice young man named Eli appeared at my door just when he said he would. The install that was supposed to take about two and a half hours wound up taking almost 6. He worked through a bad storm and winds and did everything...
When he first got here, he was looking around trying to figure out how to do this thing because, once again, so many trees... He said something, and I thought he wasn't going to be able to do it. So I said, well...who do I send this equipment back to? And he put his hands up and said .."Whoa, Mama Bear...Hold Up ! I just have to think about this a little more. We ARE hooking you up!"
And he did. And I am back online and so far tonight I have not had a bit of trouble on the internet. WooHoo!!!!!!!
In the Voluntary Simplicity class last night, one of the essays we read was about internet and tv usage and how it steals so much of your time. And everyone was nodding and agreeing that they spent way too much time online. I just sat there, grinning like an idiot. And I said, not me....I don't feel that way at all. And my darling husband piped up and said that he didn't spend much time online, but that I did. That just this morning I was "chatting " with a woman who lived in Australia and was going through some scarey medical stuff, and we talked away like we'd been best friends since childhood. And he talked about the friendships I have made with people all over the world, and how it has really expanded and enriched my life, and that he has benefitted from it as well. He talked about the gathering of people we host at our place in summer and how it really is a pretty cool thing for some people, but he doesn't have the patience to learn it.
I am especially blessed to have a life that is full. A far cry from that existence of isolation and despair that claimed me. To be sober today and happy. And loved. To have my furry babies who make me laugh and cry and be responsible ...and who teach me every single day about unconditional love.
I am grateful to be back online and to be able to get back into my routines. To read emails and blogs and recovery forums. To play a word game or two to stave off the Altzheimers.
I'm taking the husband to work in the morning so I can get to a noon meeting and hook up with one of my sponslings. She has 14 years, and is moving within the month permanently to about 2 hours south of here, where she has gotten a good state job and her life is winging off into undreamed of bliss. She got engaged at Christmas and her life is taking a good turn these days. I just tell her....
"God's got a DEAL for drunks that don't drink."
Monday, March 23, 2009
Home from the Voluntary Simplicity class and watched the last half of Saving Grace. Probably the last time I'll get to watch it, unless I can find it on the computer. lol If all goes well with the satellite installation tomorrow, I'll call and cancel our bundle service of telephone, tv and internet. WooHoo!!!!
It was a frustrating and interesting day today....I seemed to be the electrical appliance Terminator this morning. First, as I was vacuuming, it quit working right. I'm going to have to take it in for repairs. sigh...Then (and this was the worst part)..after cleaning about half of my living room carpet, I had to stop to refill the water tank (for like the 3rd time) and when I put it back in and turned it on it went 'Pfffft! and stopped. My routine when I clean the carpet in the LR is to do all the perimeter stuff first, in about a 3 ft swath, and then do the center of the rug and work my way out. So. I have a rug with a big giant dirty square in the center. Plus, where the cleaner was sitting when it quit, it leaked a whole bunch of water onto the rug. So it looks like Secretariat came in and took the biggest pee of his life. IN 2 places.
Naturally, I have a sponsling coming at 8 AM and the satellite guy at 11. And I nearly blew a gasket. But I called a friend and she talked me down, lol. Arghhhhh....this huosehold cannot live without it's own carpet shampooer. So, I guess that is next on the agenda...otherwise we will be overcome with cat and dog puke, hairball stains, and general dirt from the pond loving, poop rolling doglets.
It's a good life...if you don't look too close and you keep some windows open....
I had the wherewithal to stop and breathe and count some blessings and phone a friend.
In class tonight, we talked about what kind of life you would like to be living...and I got to say, well...I'm doing it.
I'd better post this list of unspoken and apparent blessings before the 'puter kicks off again.
It's ALL good....
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Here's hoping you find your pot o' gold at the end of the rainbow, before the leprechauns snatch it away!
I have had a blessed day...time outside, working in the yard, time inside cleaning and cooking. Pets to love and care for, friends to love and care for, a great conversation with a nun. A nice meal with my beloved. 4 baby kittens, whose eyes are wide open...making them too adorable to even think of giving away...(oh no--I did not say that!)... my life is simple, but it is good. It is getting simpler all the time. I am happy and content. I have everything I need, and then some.
I have been taking a long look lately at the way my life has unfolded. Sobriety has been the best thing that ever happened to me. If it were not for sobriety, I would have no marriage to this wonderful man that I met at an AA birthday party. I would not have a comfortable home in the country, where I can sing and dance and pray and play to my heart's delight. None of you sober people would be such a huge part of my reality.
Wow. Gratitude is a gift I choose every day.
What a lucky duck I am!!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Having said that...lol. I am so tired and wanting to sleep. Not a lot to say tonight and hoping I can get this to post..Having a terrible time with the internet connection. Has me pulling my hair out.
It was almost 75 degrees today and now at 11 is still 52. Hope the weather holds for a while. We need sunshine!!! The grey days of midwestern winter need to go away.
I didn't go to the class tonight...feeling a little yucky and just didn't want to go anywhere. Have a busy-ish week comiong down the pike...tomorrow the satellite internet guys are coming to do the site survey and hopefully hook me up. I also have a sponsling coming to do a 4th step she's been working on. Wednesday I am having lunch with my sister and sister-in-law and then going to pick up a new(ish) computer chair I found on Craig's List for twenty bucks. The one I have is killing my back. Thursday I have a doctor's appointment with a new doctor. Friday, I am working with a newbie on her 4th step. I am also going to try to help her set up a budget. Saturday we are going to a spring solstice celebration that starts at 4PM and I have to take a covered dish. That same morning, I am chairing the 10 o'clock meeting for the month of March. Whew....
I need to get some more work down in my yard too. And it's almost time to start my indoor flats of seedlings for the garden. Maybe next week. I am excited about that! I need to check on my potato order too...they haven't come yet and it's nearing time to get those in the ground. So much to do...
I am so grateful to be sober. And healthy. And to be useful and competent and compassionate (most of the time). I'm so blessed to have sober friends. And a family that loves me.
Life is good.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Am taking the no-show to the detox tomorrow...hopefully. She sounds terrible, and I agreed to meet her tomorrow. SO we'll go there if she showes. If she doesn't, this will be it., and she will be on her own. It's an ordeal for me to go through all the gyrations of making myself available for this, as the place is over an hour from my house. But, we do what we can. Once. Or in this case, twice. :) But certainly not three times...surely....lol
I am emotionally exhausted and heading for bed. I have missed you all, and did do a little reading today. My internet provider keeps kicking off and on...I have made the arrangements for the rural ISP Speednet to come out here and survey the place and see if they can hook me up. Keep your fingers crossed for me. We will divest ourselves of this stupid phone comapny and their internet and phones that rarely work, as well as the satellite tv. Bye-Bye...television.
Alright....loving thoughts and blessings galore. Namaste.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
[Maureen-in yellow shirt]
I just got word that my old sponsor from North Carolina died this afternoon of a brain hemorrhage. She collapsed and never regained consciousness. Originally from New York, she was old school AA all the way. I believe that she had about 38 years in the program now.
She probably knew me better than anyone has ever or will ever know me. She guided me through some tough times with her wise and gentle sobriety. From the first time I met her, I wanted what she had. And she was surely the best example I have ever seen of giving back what has been so freely given...
I sit here with tears of grief and gratitude all mixed up together. I was truly blessed to have been a part of her life and to have her as part of mine. Since we had no family there, we spent many a holiday at their house and always felt like part of their big Irish Catholic family. She made the best NY Cheesecake I have ever eaten. And her Irish Soda Bread was outta this world.
They had a huge blended family, both of them in recovery when they first met and married, both widowed, he with 5 kids, her with 6 kids and then they had a baby together.
I am grateful for the women in AA who have shown me how to be a wife and mother and sister ...and especially, there will always be a piece of my heart that belongs only to this wonderful woman that I met at 6 years sober, who walked me through my marriage, through the industrial accident and medicating that happened as a result of that, and through each step of my sobriety for almost 9 years.
Rest in Peace, you angel....your journey takes you on new roads now...
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
I made a pot of french onion soup today, as I had some onions that needed using. Had that for lunch and for supper made fish tacos, with refried beans and spanish rice. Hubby went for a nice long hike along the watershed trail, and I stayed home and caught up laundry and vacuumed some.
The lady bugs are invading again. This warm weather brings them out of hiding, and they are everywhere. I have my little hand held cannister vac out and just keep sucking them up. The back bedroom always is the worst. And a couple of years ago when I repainted that room, I caulked all along the ceiling and anywhere I thought hey might sneak in. But this year they're especially prolific, and I'm blaming it on the weather.
I have to get up and take himself to work to keep the car. I am taking a woman to detox tomorrow at 1. She said she wants to "check it out and see it"....jezuz...but she may or may not check herself in. I can't believe I am even agreeing to go with her. But I feel sorry for her and I know it's hard. She said she would drive and I said ABSOLUTELY NOT. I don't drive with people who are drinking themselves to death. Period. Either I drive or she can go by herself.
I hadn't heard from her in 2 days, and I thought maybe the whole deal was off. But she called this afternoon and said, she has to go. She can't keep living like this.
There, but for the grace of God, go I.
I wonder sometimes about the insanity going on in the world...mostly I feel like we (as a species) are evolving into higher beings. I see proof of this all around me. And then something crazy happens, and I think wow....maybe not. But it could be that it's the incredible shift that's happening that is causing some of us to go so nutso. People whose spiritual fabric is being rent so completely that they are caught in a warp of insanity for a moment. Paradigm shifts are not always easy pills to swallow, as it were. And human beings do not respond well to limbo.
I am grateful today, to be part of a community of people who truly care for each other. Love is painted all over my life today...'tweren't always so. I have freedoms I could never have imagined, partly from being a sober human and partly from being a crone. The older I get, the more freedom I experience. It's pretty cool, really-- all except for the part of seeing this old woman in the mirror all the time. lol But even that, you know, beats the alternative.
I am grateful to be sober. I am grateful to be loved. I am grateful to have kittens that are trying to open their little eyes. I am grateful for 3 pups sleeping at my feet. I am grateful for the jumbo brown eggs my Rhode Island Reds are laying again.
I am grateful to be a connected, dependent part of a great whole...a member of the family of man, and to know these things. I am grateful for my Voluntary Simplicity class which meets tomorrow. The readings were particularly good for this week, all about consumerism and when is enough, enough? I am grateful to be teachable and flexible and lovable today.
It just doesn't get any better than this.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Too blessed to be Stressed.
~~So grateful for:
*A cozy evening at home with my husband
*A full stomach
*Windchimes on my porch that are tuned to the key of D
*Getting to listen to 2 relapsers who were struck drunk yesterday
*Knowing that if I do a few simple things, it won't have to happen to me
*The planning stages of the spring Gathering in June
*1 week old kittens who are fat as a tick
*The sunsets we have been enjoying, all purple and red and gold
*The awesome creation I see all around me
*Friends (You know who you are!)
*Being able to live, love and laugh
*For a nice soft bed to jump into--NOW!
Friday, March 6, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Life is just full of mystery, isn't it? ROTFLMAO....
Took the baby cat to the vet and almost 350 dollars later, she seems no better this evening. We have antibiotics and eye goop and all sorts of various and sundry things to help her get better. The good news was, after $165.00 worth of xrays....she has no pneumonia. arrgghhhhhh.. I nearly laid a golden egg when the receptionist gave me the total...I was NOT my usual gracious self.
I had to stop and take a picture of that sign above today. I have been meaning to do it for a couple of months, but never had the camera with me. Today for some reason I remembered and went into the house and grabbed it.
Just finished watching an episode of Saving Grace with Holly Hunter. I love that show and am so glad it's back on again. It was a new one, made in 2009. Also watched the new one with Eric McCormack in it, Trust Me. It was okay, but I don't think I would bend over backwards to watch it. I LOVE him too...but not this show so much.
I am tired and crabby and need to get some more sleep tonight. I have to get up and keep the car again in the morning, as I have a chiro appointment. I almost called today and rescheduled it...I still might. I am just so darn tired.... If I go to bed in the next 15 minutes, I might feel alot better in the morning. Novel idea, eh?
I'm going to try to give kitty a dose of Clavamox before I go to bed. Hubby and I wrestled her to put the antibiotic drops in her eyes and the ear mite stuff in her ears tonight. I swear, you'd think we were trying to kill her ! I feel so bad for her...she's just miserable.
I had 2 AA newcomer calls tonight. One is an older woman who's wanting to get into a detox, and they are few and far between around here. Is that true everywhere? The ones around here all lost their funding. I guess the really bad alkies just have to shake it out and die under bridges now. I finally found a place...and I pray she'll actually go. This is a woman who was once sober for a vey long time. She did all the things we know not to do, and then hasn't been able to get sober again. Or maybe it's better said that she hasn't wanted to badly enough yet. She sounds pretty desperate this time. I can only pray for her and I told her I will do anything I can to help her, but I can't do it for her. So I found a place, and gave her the phone number and told her she has to call them herself. There but for the grace of God go I...
I am so blessed to be sober. People in my family usually just drink until they die. I don't know why the grace fell on my head, or what plans Creator has for me. I only know I am thankful to the very core of my being.
I am so blessed to have 2 people in my life today that relapsed after having double digit sobriety as long as or longer than me. Because it puts a face on alcoholism that I cannot ignore. It puts a definite line right down the middle of the road for me. This side--you get this. That side-- you get that. The choice is mine, every single day of my life. Do I want to be drunk or do I want to be sober? Every morning I get to ask myself that question. And so far, every day the answer is the same. I want to be sober. I never want to live in that hell ever again.
Say goodnight, Gracie.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
I am so exhausted I am going right to bed. But I wanted to stop in and say Happy March and send blessings and good wishes to all.
I am crabby and tired and my body hurts hurts hurts. It's hard for me to ride for too long and andall that sitting takes a toll too. BUt--it's done and all's well in my world...